it’s coming up on a year since i posted this.
i finally got my c-ptsd diagnosis. the world, for me, ended and began again so many times over.
i learned so much about healing. i built a home for myself, within myself. and i learned how much of my healing surrounds the rupture & repair cycle. i learned that my entire condition is comprised of emotional memories where my trust in others was broken time and time again. and that led to a life of codependency, where i loved everyone from a distance. for safety.
i shed the relationships that held me in that place.
i mended two of the most important relationships of my life. with myself, and my love.
i’m walking into thirty four in two months, finally breathing.
every day is still a struggle, still work. but i’m committed to this work for myself because i deserve it. even in my lowest moments, i hold myself now. i let myself feel my emotions in my heart, mind, and body. i name them. i sit with them. and i learn from them before they leave.
i hold my lover in all the ways i broke them before. i sit with them while they heal. they sit with me while i heal. they hold me for all the ways they broke me.
a few days after i wrote this post, the dam broke for me. i felt all of the grief, all of the emotional memories come flooding back from how we separated months before. i saw their face in my mind for weeks after. i dreamt of them hurting. i broke. i broke them. i wanted to die because i broke them. all the while, i still tried to function day by day without being tuned into myself. i tried to convince myself that i was happy where i was at. but my whole world was just…off.
and then, i got that damn notification. a fluke of a notification that was set up a year or so prior. but being in a situation thinking that they got into a car accident and the potential that they weren’t okay? i was a complete wreck until i knew they were okay.
i guess that’s how i confirmed what i knew. but i still tried to fight it. and even with trying to fight it, trying to have safe distance, the love was pouring from me. the desire for healing was wrapped around every conversation we had.
i stopped fighting after a certain point and let everything wash over me. i’ve hurt people through this whole process, including myself. but punishing myself the same way that i’d be punished by others is not accountability. i hold myself accountable by doing the work to understand my ‘why’ behind my mistakes and putting solutions into practice. while it would be nice for my solutions and changed behavior to be recognized within a repair space, they don’t have to be. it’s enough for me to know that though i’ve caused hurt and shamed myself endlessly for it, i’m taking steps every day towards doing and being better. to ensure that i don’t repeat those same cycles.
i’m making strides in my healing. i’m so proud of myself.
i’m in love, openly and unabashedly. the mutual vulnerability makes me feel like i can take on the obstacles that come with life together. even on the rough days, i see the commitment in their eyes and fight through my own fears to be beside them. i’m all the way down for this. we rupture, we repair. and the love forever remains. always, all ways.
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