Fuck Disney, I’m the only conglomerate that matters

we're two nonbinary media bitches and we want to rule the media industry

[we-the-oligopoly]

We are the new oligopoly

As media students, we have been conditioned to hate Disney. But, perhaps we should take a new approach: making Disney not homophobic (or racist or legit everything else wrong with it).

As such, these are our formal suggestion as to what we would do if given complete control over Disney (including its properties).

DNI: Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head.

[we-the-oligopoly]

We remake the entirety of Star Wars. Nothing is different (many things are different because there are so many flaws in the originals), except now everyone is a lesbian.

Except Poe and Fin. They’re the only men present and we let them date. It is not addressed that they are the only men, except in the light underhanded ways its usually used to point out a woman’s presence in action. We bring back both of their actors.

It is never truly addressed in the advertising campaign, we act as if this is just how all films are.

[we-the-oligopoly]

We buy the rights to The Outsiders. SE Hinton does not expect anything. Disney would never make her characters gay, right? We sneak into the contract that she has no say in the production. She signs it.

We make another adaption of it. Not much changes. Except none of the characters are white. And we let Johnny and Dallas say they love each other. It will be argued that this is bury your gays. We combat this by making everyone else gay. Steve and Sodapop are dating, their ‘girlfriends’ are their beards (who are also dating). Cherry is a lesbian (maybe she is now in a poly relationship with Sandy and Evie now). Darry is bi, this is said in passing. Two-bit is ace and explicitly states that he’s more interested in stealing cool knives then he is about dating any one. Johnny may also be trans. Cherry is definitely trans. As is Ponyboy.

[we-the-oligopoly]

We make a kids show about gay vampires. It is 2D animation. They utilise creative ways to bleep out swearing throughout it - except in the last scene of the last episode where all of the main characters say ‘fuck’ collectively. We find a way around censorship laws. 

[we-the-oligopoly]

Spin-off short film where they DON'T kill of my boy Tadashi (love ya bestie)

We let Honey Lemon be a canon lesbian. GoGo is nonbinary and bi. They’re dating.

Aunt Cass is a lesbian.

Wasabi and Tadashi are dating.

Fred is just there.

Hiro is not cis (agender ass motherfucker).

Alistar Krei is gay.

[we-the-oligopoly]

Hannah Montana but she’s a trans woman. Lily is also a trans woman.

[we-the-oligopoly]

We release a specific streaming service for Glee and Glee related content.

[we-the-oligopoly]

Disney + is free.

[we-the-oligopoly]

There are no more traces of the Mulan live action. We issue a formal apology for the actions taken during its production process and we pay money towards charities that oppose the system the film production was supporting.

[we-the-oligopoly]

[we-the-oligopoly]

We lie to Thomas Cruise about a new film that make, just for the Tom Cruise cake.

[we-the-oligopoly]

We continue the tradition of making remakes of Roxanne every few years.

[we-the-oligopoly]

New Lilo & Stitch show. We secretly use all profits to donate them to charities focused on the de-colonisation of Hawaii.

[we-the-oligopoly]

We create a short film where Elsa gets a girlfriend. We then never develop upon Frozen again.

[we-the-oligopoly]

We remake Cruella based on our personal reasons Cruella De Vil should be redeemable.

[we-the-oligopoly]

Hear me out: you know the bird man from Maleficent? Solo film about him.

He is not given a backstory, there are several narrative lines in the film that hint to something, but all of those things horribly contrast. Film critics call it plot holes. We announce at a press conference that this is actually all going to make sense when we release the second film, as all these narrative strands do fit together. There will be no second film.

The majority of the film is about them turning into a bird to bite transphobes. We make her canonically nonbinary, they now use any pronouns.

Life is good.

They are now played by Noel Fielding.

Life is better.

[we-the-oligopoly]

We issue a statement that Luca is a gay film. We do not elaborate. Luca is gay now. Luca has always been gay.