We are but Dust and Shadows

I nostri cuori hanno bisogno di uno specchio. Noi vediamo il nostro io migliore negli occhi di coloro che ci amano.

[wearejustash]

SUDDENLY

I WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYTHING AT ALL WHEN I MET YOU.

ACTUALLY, I WASN'T PLANNING ON FALLING FOR ANYONE SO SOON.

BUT THEN I MET YOU.

AND THAT WAS IT...

I GUESS THINGS JUST HAPPENED.

I FOUND YOU

AND I FOUND MYSELF SLOWLY WANTING TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU.

IT WAS SIMPLE. IT WAS EASY.

AND I THINK THAT'S HOW THE BEST RELATIONSHIPS BEGIN.

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING AND THEN SUDDENLY YOU REALISE YOU HAVE SOMETHING.

[secretsofblackthornhall]

Dear Cristina, from Emma

Dear Cristina,

I was going to try addressing this letter to Polyamorous Cottage In Faerieland, but I figured it might never be delivered. :) Ok, ok, I’m kidding. I’m sending it to the New York Institute—Clary says she’ll hold onto it for you. I know Jules and I have been popping around the globe like ping-pong balls, but we’ve finally settled here in London for at least a couple of months, so you can — and should — write me back at the London Institute — I’m not sure the place we’re staying even has an address.

(And sure, I could have just sent you a fire-message, but I have too much to tell you. Buckle up.)

So, a while ago Jules and I were in Manaus, in Brazil, studying Curupiras, when we got called into the Rio Institute. They had a message for Julian. His great-aunt — yeah, the one he was visiting when you first came to L.A. — had died. Really sad. And then, remember the beautiful house in Sussex where she lived? Well, she left that to some cousin nobody’s heard of, but she left Julian Blackthorn Hall. Which is a crumbling ruin in Chiswick (kind of a suburb of London). And then we had to come here, because of a codicil in the will (ahem, according to the dictionary, that’s “an addition or supplement that explains, modifies, or revokes a will or part of one”). Either Julian has to fix the place up, get it livable again, in five years, or he has to donate it to the Clave.

Anyway, you know how Julian is. He makes up his mind fast. We Portaled to London the next day after he got the news.

I was all set to eat scones, drink tea, and go on the Eye (all the things I didn’t get to do last time we came to London, due to being pursued by unkillable Faerie warriors.) But that was before we took a black cab from the Institute out to Chiswick and really saw the place.

From the outside it looks like a museum or an old library—you know, big marble columns, grand staircase, big metal dome on top that looks like it should have a telescope in it. (It doesn’t; I checked.) But inside it’s more like a fairytale. Not, like, something from Faerie. Or something from a kid’s movie. It’s like one of those fairytales where a crumbling palace sleeps for a thousand years. It was kind of romantic, for about five minutes. Then we spotted the first rat, nibbling on the tassel end of one of the drapes.

It’s a weird mix of interesting history, weird old art, and total ruin. There are cool portraits of old Blackthorn ancestors, mostly intact. Julian says he doesn’t recognize most of the faces. Some of them have names written on the back of the canvas or on the frame but other than “Blackthorn” none of the names mean anything to any of us. There are wooden chests full of ancient books and papers, and beautiful overgrown grounds that I’m sure were once gardens and are now England’s version of a jungle. There’s an old greenhouse and a weird little brick structure we can’t figure out. (Storage shed? Very small weapons room?) The whole place is just a mess, and most of the house isn’t habitable at all anymore. Someone built an apartment with “updates” off in one wing, probably in the sixties. (The apartment, by the way, reminds me of that vintage shop in Topanga I dragged you to. Remember?) Whoever lived in it left a closet of all kinds of vintage clothes and there’s crazy flower-patterned wallpaper and modern art everywhere. At least the apartment has electricity, running water, and heat, because the rest of the house definitely doesn’t —

I’m back now. Sorry, had to stop writing for a second. Julian was calling me. He was up in what was probably a ballroom? But anyway he took a wrong step and his foot went through the floor. (Not all the way through the floor, which is a relief. But it definitely made a hole.) The ballroom is big and dusty, but you can see how long ago it must have been beautiful, and very fancy. It has these huge French doors that open onto marble balconies, though most of the glass in the doors is gone now.

Once I freed Jules from the broken floor I figured it was my only chance to try to talk some sense into him, so I pointed out that this is a gigantic project for two people who have never fixed up a house before, and that we have a perfectly fine place to live already. And the weather is better there.

Jules, being Jules, took his time answering, really thinking about what I’d been saying. Then he said, “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to do it. You’re more important to me than a house. Any house.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to do it,” I said. “I just don’t even know where to start.”

Jules calmly explained that he’d been in contact with some faerie builders of some kind, hobgoblins maybe? who would be here Monday to do “a walkthrough.” Then he put his arms around me and said, “I know we can always live in the L.A. Institute. I love it there, too. But as much as any Blackthorn legacy exists, this is it. All these old papers, whatever secrets the house is hiding, they’re our family history. I want to pass it on to Dru and Ty and Tavvy. I want to give them what I never had.”

Well, what could I say to that? I get it. I have Jem as my living family history. Jules doesn’t have anything like that. And while Aline and Helen run the L.A. Institute now, they might not always, and besides, it belongs to the Clave. I get that he feels like he can’t give away a big chunk of his family’s history without giving them a choice in the matter.

I said, “All right. We’ll see what we can do. If we ever decide it’s too much, we can hold a big family meeting and everyone can vote. Keep the place or not.”

He picked me up and swung me around. Then we started kissing. I’ll be merciful and not give you the details.

So I’ve decided to consider all this An Adventure. It’s like an archeological site, and we are intrepid historians. Later I’ll see if I can convince Jules to put on a tweed coat and a pith helmet while we sort through the debris. Because whoever lived here before had a lot of stuff. It’s a big house, and every room has furniture with drawers and cabinets, and inside every drawer and every cabinet is clutter. Rusty weapons, water-damaged books, little boxes with more clutter in them, costume jewelry, portraits of random people, broken teacups…And remember, we’ll be going through it without any light but witchlights.

Anyway. I wanted to let you know what I was up to, and where we were. Our travel year was basically over anyway, so this is a sort of way of extending it and spending more time together. I’m not sad about that part. I was actually doing pretty well psyching myself up for the excavation of Blackthorn History, until this morning.

I know I said the house seemed haunted, but I was joking. Mostly. I’m not Kit; I can’t see ghosts unless they want me to see them, and so far I haven’t come across any ectoplasmic spirits with messages from The Beyond. But the place does feel odd — I keep finding myself turning around at the end of long, spiderwebby hallways, as if expecting to see something in the shadows. Or imagining I glimpse something over my shoulder in the mirror. I chalked it all up to nerves until this morning, when I came into the dining room and saw that the words “GO AWAY” were written in the dust on the floor.

I literally jumped. I was actually reaching for Cortana before I got a hold of myself. Don’t be ridiculous, I thought. That message could have been written any time. Long before we got to the house. It could have been sitting here in the dust for years, undisturbed.

I have a confession to make, though. I rubbed the GO AWAY message away with my foot. I didn’t want Julian to see it. He worries too much as it is. I didn’t want him to have that same bad moment of shock that I did, especially over something unimportant.

I feel better getting the story off my chest to you, though. Oh dear, Julian is calling for me again, I can’t wait to see what he’s put his foot through this time. I will write again soon, and in the meantime pip pip cheerio from London!

Love to you and the boys,

Emma

[wearejustash]

«Non puoi salvare le persone che non vogliono essere salvate. Puoi solo stare al loro fianco e sperare che, quando si sveglieranno e capiranno di aver bisogno di essere salvate, tu sarai lì ad aiutarle.»

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Diritti... Abbiamo tutti il diritto di provare dolore, James, e infelicità.

È naturale credere di poter vincere la corsa con le proprie miserie. Ci sono state volte in cui io stesso sono scappato dalle mie fin quasi in capo al mondo. Ma la verità è che il dolore è veloce e fedele. Ti seguirà sempre.

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Ma l’amore non sempre è un colpo di fulmine, no? A volte è un rampicante che s’insinua. Cresce lentamente finché, all'improvviso, è l'unica cosa che esiste al mondo.

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Invece non era riuscita a fare un passo. Paralizzata, era rimasta a guardare, impotente. A guardare la lama alzarsi, pendere sopra la sua stessa vita, i suoi sogni, le sue illusioni conservate con cura. A guardare il colpo sul punto di affondare.

La lama era scesa, mandando il suo specchio-sogno in frantumi. Facendoli cadere in schegge un tempo splendide, scintillanti, e ora lasciate a precipitare attraverso l'oscurità nel vortice della vergogna e dell'orrore.

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Tutti quei minuscoli frammenti di nulla che lei aveva raccolto e messo da parte, frammenti di speranza che formavano uno specchio di sogni attraverso il quale vedeva davanti a sé una vita insieme a James.

Aveva mentito a se stessa.

Adesso se ne rendeva conto.

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Così si spezzerà il cuore, pur sopravvivendo in frantumi

come specchio infranto, che il vetro

in ogni frammento moltiplica; e forma

mille immagini in luogo di una,

la stessa, eppure più si spezza, più appare ridotta;

e così il cuore che non dimentica suole fare

vivendo nella forma del frammento, e muto, e freddo,

e dissanguato, soffre delle sue insonni pene,

e tuttavia continua a inaridire finché ogni cosa esterna è vetusta

non mostrando segno visibile, poiché tali cose sono indicibili.

LORD BYRON,

Il pellegrinaggio del giovane Aroldo

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Grace non lo aveva mai reso felice. Semplicemente, provava dolore quando lei non c’era, e l’aveva scambiato per amore.

Soffriamo per amore perché ne vale la pena, gli aveva detto una volta suo padre: lui aveva pensato che quindi amare significasse sopportare un tormento. Non si era reso conto che suo padre intendeva che dovesse esserci della gioia, a controbilanciare il dolore.

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

La ragnatela d'amore mi ha presa con l'inganno e ogni tentativo di liberarmi è un vano affanno. Cavalcando il nobile destriero non sapevo che più tiri le redini e meno provi sollievo. L'amore è un oceano talmente sconfinato che nessun savio vi nuota senza esserne ingoiato.

RABI'A BALKHI

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Ebbe l'impressione di vedere tutto il dolore che aveva sopportato in silenzio, senza lacrime.

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Anche se ha la forza di sette,

lui pure nella morte dimora,

né si desta con le ali in cielo,

né piange i tormenti dell'inferno.

ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE, Il giardino di Proserpina

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Io... lo so che cosa vuol dire fare una cosa pensando sia giusta e poi scoprire che è stata un errore tremendo.

So anch'io che cosa vuol dire vivere con un'oscurità dentro. Un'oscurità di cui hai paura.

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

Stupido da parte mia. Chi immaginava che i giocattoli avessero bordi taglienti?

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

«Non preoccuparti di questo. Ascoltami e basta. Da ragazza avevo tantissimi sogni. Sogni di eroismo, di eleganza, di viaggi. Layla... ciò che voglio per te, più di qualsiasi altra cosa al mondo, è che tu segua verità dei tuoi sogni. Non c'è disprezzo, vergogna, reputazione che conti di più.»

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

È raro che le nostre vite si rivelino come ci aspettiamo che siano, Layla.

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare

[wearejustash]

«Perché penso che, forse, amare una persona con cui non puoi stare sia una cosa che capisci meglio di quanto avrei detto, prima d'oggi.»

Shadowhunters, La Catena di Ferro, Cassandra Clare