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[weepingpiratesong]

The last two days have had a mixed bag of feelings and thoughts. Last night while dropping off my sons book bag, She hugged me. I told her that i miss her. She rubbed my back, and when i asked her if she missed me she said yes. Fast forward to tonight, she said that she does have feelings for me but deflected to say because of who we are to each other. She said that she needs to do this for herself. To prove to herself that she can do this on her own. I told her i loved her and would be there for whenever she needs. Am i stupid? All i want to do is take her in my arms and show her how much she means to me and how sincere i am about the changes I've made to myself.

[weepingpiratesong]

This weekend was beyond rough. After being married for 14 years with the person who separated from me back on the 29th of August. Had an affair with a convicted child molester, and yes we do have two kids, and no she didn't know the truth about him. She came to and wanted to try and reconcile a little over a month after it started. We honestly started off way to fast. While still living in different houses we started sleeping together again and trying to talk out our issues of the past. It was so intense, full of passion and emotion. I was more devoted to her than ever before. it not only felt like we had turned the corner, but that our relationship would be stronger than ever. But then she stated that when she leaves to go back to her fathers with the kids, she starts to stress and worry that everything that happened in the past will happen again and she will end up hurt. I worked on myself non stop when the separation started because i hated who i allowed myself to become. I liar, manipulator, controller, self serving. I needed to change for myself, my wife, and my children. This weekend she came to me and stated that she cant try anymore that everything is just overwhelming. Dealing with two kids, a full time job, and a side business. She didn't have the time to dedicate to focusing on thinking about "us". I asked her if this is what she really wanted. She responded that its not what she wants it's what she needs. "I need this" she said. I was crushed. I asked if that meant that she needed this to go all the way through to divorce. She replied that she didn't know. It was so hard to see her the next day on Sunday with the kids. She had brought them over to carve pumpkins and have dinner together. It was hard to not be able to say the words I Love You, or just give her a simple kiss. To try and act as though she is just a friend and nothing more. She seemed to be able to do it so easily. Not faltering at all. I still hope and pray that she will find her way back to me, and heal our family. I pray for it every night, I think non stop about it. My mind and heart will not let me move on, or let her go. I do want her to be happy no matter what though even if it is not with me. But i cant give up on hope.