Anxiety is tough, isnât it? Not just for the people that have it, but for you â the people that stick with them â while theyâre going through it. Itâs emotionally taxing on both ends, itâs physically demanding at times, and of course mentally demanding most of the time. Plans have to be changed to accommodate the anxiety. Situations have to be avoided at times. Planning has to be just that bit more thorough. Emotional needs can change daily. Itâs a lot to work through, and it can be hard to get in their head to understand on top of that. Itâs understandably confusing at times, so consider this your cheat sheet. 13 things for you to remember when loving someone with anxiety. 1. They are more than just their anxiety No one likes to be defined by one attribute of themselves. If you truly want to be supportive of someone with anxiety, remind them that you appreciate the individual behind the anxiety. Recognise that they are more than just their anxiety. It sounds like it would be common sense to do so, we donât go around seeing people by one solitary attribute in most cases, but people have a tendency to become blind-sighted by mental health issues. They are still a human being with all the complexities that everyone else has. Please, remember that. 2. They can get tired easily Anxiety is exhausting. It seems like the only people that understand how tiring it really can be is people with anxiety themselves. Anxiety causes people to live in hyper-tense states. They are always on alert, their mind is very rarely settled, and their body is always ready to fight or flight. With the hypertension comes fatigue. Situations that people without anxiety can just breeze through are more tiring for those with anxiety. Ever had a stressful work week, where every day you woke up thinking âwow, I really hope I get a break soonâ? Thatâs an anxious personâs every day, and itâs tiring. Remember that next time youâre pushing someone with anxiety to be more âproductive.â 3. They can get overwhelmed easily Tying into the previously noted hyper-tense state, theyâre also overwhelmed easily because of it. Theyâre aware of everything going on around them. Every noise, every action, every smell, every light, every person, every object. For someone existing in such a hyper-alert state a situation that doesnât seem that overwhelming (e.g. the thought of more than a handful of people talking in a room) can cause their head to spin. When trying to encourage someone with anxiety to go somewhere, just keep in mind that the stimuli you enjoy can just as easily be overwhelming for them. Try not to lock them into the situation. Ensure they know they can leave and are capable of doing so at any point. 4. They are well aware their anxiety may be irrational Being aware of the irrationality does not stop the thoughts from racing. It does not stop the thinking of hundreds of different worst-case scenarios. If it was as easy as saying âokay, thatâs irrational â no point worrying about it,â the majority of those living with anxiety would not have problems with it anymore. One of the worst things about anxiety is how aware of the irrationality they can be. Pointing out that itâs irrational doesnât help â they already know this. What they need is compassion, understanding, and support â very rarely do they need advice on how irrational and pointless their anxiety it (because thatâs not even advice.) 5. They can communicate how they feel (you just have to actually listen) Having anxiety does not mean that they are incapable of expressing or communicating. (Unless theyâre panicking, in which case they likely canât. Donât try to get them to either!) They still like to talk and they still like to speak for themselves. They will tell you how they feel. Often when people think someone with anxiety, or really any problem whatsoever, canât or wonât communicate â itâs because theyâre choosing not to, and itâs usually because the other party has been entirely dismissive the last time they opened up. So next time when you think theyâre incapable of speaking for themselves, bite your tongue and give them the opportunity to actually speak. Then take the time to listen. 6. They donât need someone constantly asking âare you okay?â while theyâre panicking When you see someone panicking and you know they have anxiety, do you really need to ask âare you okay?â You already know the answer. Their heart is pounding a million miles an hour, their hands are clamming up, their chest is tightening, their limbs are vibrating from all the adrenalin and their mind has just sunken into the limbic systemâs âfight or flightâ response. Honestly? Part of them probably thinks theyâre dying. So instead of asking âare you okay?â try something a little more helpful and constructive. Good examples would be: âRemember your breathingâ âRemember <insert whatever technique that has helped them before>â âWould you like help me to help you to somewhere quieter/safer/calmer?â âIâm here if you need me.â (At this point, you should leave them alone unless they ask) âYouâre panicking, it wonât last. Youâve got past this before, youâll get past it againâ But the key to all of this: If they ask you to leave them alone â leave them alone! They are experienced in handling their anxiety; let them get through it however they see fit. 7. They appreciate you sticking by them Anxiety is rough on everyone involved, which means you too. They understand that, they understand their irrationality; they understand youâve not done some things you wouldâve liked to because they couldnât. Theyâre not oblivious to what it takes to support them. If thereâs one thing in common that youâll find across the board for everyone with anxiety, itâs that they over think â they over think a lot. Part of this over thinking always comes back to the people that have supported them, always. Your support doesnât go unmissed â no matter how subtle you may think itâs been. 8. They can find it hard to let it go Part of anxiety is the constant over thinking, but to really understand this we need to understand where the over thinking stems from. When anyone is faced with a traumatic incident in their life, which most people with anxiety have had more than their fair share of, the memory (if not properly dealt with) can end up stored in part of the limbic system of the brain that the mind uses to determine if we are at ârisk.â You can find out more about that here. The memory is stored in a completely different manner and region of the brain in comparison to an everyday memory that gets filed away. This causes the brain to react differently to the memory. The brain is actively seeking to make links between the traumatic memory and the present situation itâs in (partly the cause of the hyper-tense state.) When the brain is caught in this cycle, letting go of things can be very difficult. When the brain is trained to remain in this cycle through prolonged anxiety, letting go of pretty much anything can be a tough task. People with anxiety cannot always just âlet it go,â their brain wonât let them, so please donât give them a hard time about it. 9. They can find change difficult (even if itâs expected) Everyone has a comfort zone, anxiety or not. Pushing that comfort zone can be difficult for even the most well-adjusted person, so for people with anxiety it can be even more challenging. This is not to be confused with the sentiment that those with anxiety dislike change or pushing their comfort zones, because they will likely thrive once theyâre actually in the process of doing so. They can just find it a lot more difficult to bring themselves to do so. The one relief people with anxiety tend to get from their anxiety is when theyâre allowed to be in their place of comfort with nothing major changing around them. When theyâre faced with a big change and uprooting, it can take them a lot longer to settle back down and establish that zone again. Just remember to have a little more patience and understanding for those with anxiety. Theyâre trying, they really are. 10. They arenât (always) intentionally ignoring you Part of managing anxiety is controlling the inner monologue that comes with it. Sometimes this can be a very attention-consuming act. The strangest things can set off obscure thought patterns for those with anxiety. If they suddenly drift out of the conversation, thereâs a good chance theyâre over thinking something thatâs just been said or theyâre trying to calm their thoughts down. Both take immense concentration. Theyâre not ignoring you; or not intentionally at least. Theyâre just trying not to have a mental breakdown right there in front of you. You donât need to ask âare you okay?â and you especially donât need to quiz them on what you just said. If itâs important, try gently bringing it back up when they seem more attentive. Their mind can be a war zone at times. They will drop out of conversations unexpectedly and they will feel bad for doing so if they realise it. Reassure them that you understand and ensure theyâve fully digested any important news you may have discussed, especially if it involves them handling some responsibility (maybe make a note of it too!) 11. They arenât always present As mentioned in the above point, theyâre not always present in a conversation, but itâs not just conversation that can trigger this reaction. Everyday events can cause everyone to get lost in contemplation at some point or another, but for those with anxiety almost everything can serve as a contemplative trigger. They will recede into the depths of their mind quite regularly and youâll likely notice the vacancy on their face. Contrary to what romantic movies suggest, itâs not always cute to come up and spook them while theyâre lost in thought (though sometimes it definitely can be!) Gently nudge them back to reality regularly. Remind them where they are, what theyâre doing (not literally, theyâre anxious â they donât have short term memory loss), and to appreciate it. Theyâll greatly appreciate you doing so. You can learn more about mindfulness and how it relates to anxiety here. 12. They donât always see it as a limitation (nor should you!) Itâs okay to be an anxious person. Sure, it can be a struggle at times, but itâs not always a limitation. Anxiety has molded part of the person in question and ultimately has the potential of bettering them as a person. It can cause them to see the world in a very different way and often this can be for the best. The symptoms can suck, the over thinking can suck, the missing out on certain events can suck, everything in life has the potential to suck. Just because it can doesnât mean that those with anxiety choose to see it that way; at least, not all the time. Remember that part of their personality is the anxiety. Remember that part of them, the compilation of life experiences that they are made of, is the anxiety. It can have some benefits too, and many people with anxiety (when getting âbetterâ) choose to see them. You should too. 13. They are awesome! Just like everybody else on Earth, they are awesome! (Thatâs why you love them, right?) Itâs pretty easy to get focused on the doom and gloom of any issue, especially ones involving mental health, but part of overcoming them is remembering the awesomeness that came before and will come after the issue. Choose to see the benefits. Choose to see the upside of the situation. Choose to see the awesomeness. If they can, so can you. Cheat sheet over, done, finished. Keep these in mind and your whole experience may be a lot easier â then again, it may not be either. Weâre humans and weâre unique. What works for one may not work for the other, but there is one thing that always works: loving compassion. If you take anything away from this, just let it be that everyone â especially those struggling â deserves loving compassion, so spread it around.
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