N O W H E R E // a short story
"Chuck chuck chuck!"
The foamy beer was spilling out from the seeps between the mouth of the glass cup and his lips, leaving a darkening stain on his shirt. But no one noticed the ruined shirt, all eyes were on Jackson and the gigantic mug of beer in his hand.
"He is doing it!"
"Jackson is crazy!"
Cheers and claps erupted throughout the table as Jackson removed the empty mug from his mouth and tipped it over his head.
"BOO YAH!" He roared, and his friends thumped the table loudly in approval, eyes gleaming with pride.
"New record." Minho noted as he glanced at the timer on his phone.
"Beat that!" The excited boy boasted as he put his foot up on his chair and while banging his chest with his fists. The pub waitress, who was cleaning the table beside them, rolled her eyes at the action.
"Sit down," Nathan laughed as he tucked on the pants of his friend. "You are embarrassing."
"You are just sore that I am a winner," Jackson said, nonetheless listening to Nathan’s request as he sat down in his seat. His face was still flushed red as he pointed a finger around the table. "And the rest of you are losers."
Were they?
Will had been quiet the entire night.
Maybe not completely. He laughed when he had to. He cheered when they were all cheering. He complained expectedly when Nathan made him drink, though honestly, that amount of alcohol was like water to him. But Nathan would be worried if he gulped down his drink too willingly.
Will thought he was doing a pretty good job of being normal.
His friends would let him be. Nathan was too tactful to call him out. Minho wouldn't say a word because it would be like the pot calling the kettle black. Jackson was far too drunk to engage in a thoughtful conversation.
Deep down, he was glad. He needed this, a night just like the old days with all four of them. He needed to feel like everything was normal. Because Will had not felt normal in a very long time.
Bryan would have been the first to call him out.
That was that kind of friend, Bryan was. The younger boy didn't know or didn't want to mince his words. He was all about the hard truth, no matter how uncomfortable it was.
He would be the first to look straight into Will's dead eyes, and emotionlessly tell him that Will looked like shit, and he ought to snap out of it. And if Will was to try and brush everything aside by saying he was fine, Bryan would have sworn at him for the unnecessary lie.
Will could almost see Bryan scowling like an angry cat, with his arms folded across his chest, sitting across the table in the pub.
But Bryan wasn't at the table.
Because he was Rose's friend first.
As much as Will and Bryan had gotten along, as close as they once were, when everything ended with Rose, his friendship with Bryan was doomed to become collateral damage.
Because when life hit you hard, it would hit you all the way without mercy. The day the love of his life broke up with him, he lost one of his best friends too.
It was unfair. He wanted to grab the empty bottle in front of him and threw it across the room. He wanted to yell and curse. He wanted someone to answer him all the questions that plagued his mind every night when he tried to sleep. How did he end up here?
Life really hated him.
To be fair, he hated life as well.
If he was doomed to be alone, why did fate lead him to her?
If they weren't forever, what were all the years they shared for? What did those unforgettable memories stand for now? Where would they bury all the sweet words muttered and promises made?
He downed what's left in his mug of beer at that thought. Will let his mind drifted too far again.
"Slow down there." Minho said, his concerned eyes fixated on him. But still, Minho took Will’s empty mug and refilled them.
Will glanced at their tower of beer on the table. They were taking forever to finish it.
That was what happened when your group shrunk.
He wondered if the rest of the boys ever felt like something was missing, or have they already gotten used to the fact that it was just going to be the four of them now. He wondered who would answer truthfully if he dared ask.
"Let's toast." Will declared, letting his voice projected clearly for the first time that night.
Naturally, Jackson was first to lift his refilled mug as he met Will’s eyes sincerely. "To what?"
"To brotherhood." The usually reserved Nathan beamed as he lifted his mug too.
"To being young." Minho said, with a light smile as he turned around to face Will.
"To being fools." Will declared as the four of them clanked their glass mugs together.
"Cheers."
"I AM WALKING FINE! I CAN EVEN DANCE! DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME DANCE?"
Jackson's long limbs were tangled around Nathan as he struggled to stand up straight.
"No, Jackie. Please don't dance," Nathan pleaded sincerely as his eyes widened as two long haired girls stopped at the entrance of the pub, as though contemplating if they should enter. The taller one glanced towards the boys, upon hearing their conversation.
"Hey, girls! Want to see me dance?" Jackson waved, a cheeky grin spread across his flushed face.
"Oh gosh." A tinge of red appeared on Nathan's face. "I am sorry. He's drunk."
The two girls started laughing, as the one with the darker hair turned towards her blond friend.
“He is challenging you, Emily. Go show him your skills.”
The taller girl shot her friend an exasperated expression before firmly pulling her away.
Will chuckled as a groan escaped Nathan's lips as he watched the girls leave. In meantime, Jackson remained unconcerned by the whole interaction, as he enveloped Nathan happily in a bear hug.
"Done." A voice from behind them called out and Will turned around to see Minho stepped out of the pub while slipping his wallet back into his back pocket.
"That took forever." Nathan complained, throwing Jackson over to the arms of a surprised Minho.
"You ungrateful…" Will heard Minho mumbled and he resisted the urge to smile.
"Let's go." Nathan said with an unmasked tone of urgency, checking the watch on his wrist.
Will nodded in agreement, and the four of them bid their goodbyes, ready to part ways for the night.
Well three, Jackson was still whining about a second round.
Nathan excused himself first, as he ran off trying to catch his bus home. And since there was no one waiting for him at home anyway, Will lingered as Minho called a cab for Jackson.
"We should just leave him here on the pavement. He needs to learn when to stop." Will mumbled as Jackson started hysterically laughing into Minho's ear as the latter tried forcing him to stand up on his long but currently, very useless legs.
"We should." Minho nodded as he pushed Jackson's face away from his own. "But he ain't going to learn. Jackson loves drinking too much."
"Then who are we to stop love?"
Will didn't miss the way Minho's eyes darted towards him once those words left his lips. Turning casually to face the road as though he was trying to look for the cab, Will swallowed back the odd discomfort that rose in his throat.
An arm went around him, causing Will to jump slightly only to realize that Jackson's flushed face had come dangerously close to him after Minho’s rejection.
"I am going to be so miserable in the morning." His eyelids were dropping as Jackson muttered in a low whisper. "But it is fine because tonight was fun. And I don't regret any of it."
Will smiled at the drunk boy who was struggling to stand between Will and Minho. "No regrets!"
A blinding white light shone onto the pavement, causing all three of them to squint uncomfortably.
The cab was here.
Minho helped Jackson into the back of the car as Will told the driver Jackson's address.
"But I don't want to go home!" The boy at the back seat whined as Minho shut the door on him.
"You need rest!" The youngest chided as Will waved Jackson off.
With the window winded down, Jackson stuck his head out at them and bellowed, "I LOVE YOU!"
Minho and Will only laughed, bidding goodbye as the cab drove off into the night.
"You okay?"
Will stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans, keeping his eyes on his shoes. "Have a fun wedding next week, Minho."
Minho shoved him at those words. "Good night, Will."
They parted ways, with Minho going towards the subway as Will started his retreating back. He really ought to head home too, but Will decided he needed some fresh air.
He started out with that thought that it seemed like a good idea to walk home, but as his feet carried him that night, Will knew he was going further and further away from home.
He was going back to that familiar place, that familiar place which had grown foreign to him in the past months.
Before he knew it, he was right across the road from Rose's apartment.
He had no idea why he was here.
Will blamed it on the alcohol. It was easier than blaming himself.
The lights in the room on the fifth floor indicated her presence, and that Will was, again so near but so far from her. He knew she was still awake. If he were to knock on her door now, she might open it.
If he were to apologize sincerely to her, she might accept it.
If he asked, she might let him stay.
Yet his feet remained rooted to the ground.
What held him back? Was it his guilt? His regret? His frustration? His unwillingly acceptance of his situation?
It felt like hours later, as Will stood alone in the shadows until the lights finally went out in Rose's apartment.
And his stomach twisted, like something in him, went out too. He really shouldn't be here.
They were not meant to be.
That particular sentence, Will heard it in Rose's voice, her painfully sweet voice.
Will knew better than to forget that roses had thorns and that lingering feelings of being pricked.
It was too late for him.
Maybe she was right. Maybe there was someone else in this world who would make Rose happier. Maybe there was someone else for him too.
Maybe one day, he would forget this long and dark path to this apartment and the owner of the apartment on the fifth floor.
Will wouldn't know. For now, he didn’t feel like thinking that far.
For now, Will thought as he pulled his black hoodie over his head, he would let himself stayed a little longer, for he didn’t feel like going anywhere.
In the shadows, alone, where no one would see him, Will let a single tear fall.
Minho was struggling to look for the right key when the front door of the boarding house opened.
"I could hear your keys jingling for a whole minute."
He glanced up a little surprised by the sight of one of his housemate in her pajamas, wearing an amused smile.
"You should be asleep, Haley."
The tiny girl scrunched up her nose in response. "You have been drinking."
Minho shrugged as she stepped away from the door to let him through. As he stumbled into the common living space, Minho saw the reason why Haley was still awake at such hours. Honestly, he shouldn’t be too surprised. There were scribbled notes and magazines carelessly left everywhere, on the table and on the floor. On the sofa, Haley's laptop sat with at least twenty tabs opened on her browser.
"I thought most of the things were settled. What else do you have to do for the wedding?" Minho asked as Haley settled back down on her sofa. He glanced at the mess around, before looking up at the mess, who was his dearest friend and her darkening eye bags.
"Erm, only about everything. My third aunt just declared she is bringing her new boyfriend and my fourth uncle sent me a message telling me that he refused to show up if his kids are attending. Also, the baker said she might not be able to make our proposed delivery time. The florist said she can't find peony for my bouquet after all. The hotel just called to remind me that I would have no place to stay for the honeymoon if I don't handle the remaining payment immediately." Haley pulled at her hair as she grimaced at her screen.
"Woah. Anything I could do to help? I could collect the cake for you or something?” He said, slightly overwhelmed with the amount of information thrown at him. The alcohol in his system was not helping. Normally he would be able to think of the solutions instantly. He didn’t like seeing Haley like this.
"You have done so much already, Minho. Thank you for offering though. I don't know what I will do without you." Haley looked up from her laptop to flash him a genuine smile. "Meanwhile my stupid husband-to-be is causing more trouble than helping me. He wants us to walk down the aisle with trot music in the background! Trot!"
Minho mustered up a weak smile. "Bobby has a... sense of humor."
"Sure." She rolled her eyes before returning her attention to the laptop. "Go take a shower and sleep early. We will talk tomorrow. I am almost done with table plans, then I can sleep!"
"Sounds fun." Minho said as he walked towards his bedroom at the end of the corridor. "Good night, Haley."
"Night, Minho."
The bed room door locked behind him, as Minho threw himself on the bed. He was having a splitting headache.
Shower could wait.
Pulling his laptop over to his lap, Minho blinked a few times to focus on the twenty tabs he had opened on his screen.
There were much to do. He had yet to fix the time to pick up Haley's parents from the airport. The caterer’s side was still being difficult. Minho pulled out a new tab and started googling for peony.
That had to be a florist who could work within the budget.
Or one that he didn't have to drive two hours out for, he shook his head at the address of the floral shop.
Or could he?
Minho's finger lingered at the keyboards, as the cursor stopped on the contact button.
He knew Haley wanted peony so much. She always had a thing for large and showy flowers. Sure, she would be quite contented with a rose bouquet. There was no harm in dropping them an email.
Was he going too far?
Boundaries, Jackson had warned him earlier today. Minho knew the boundaries. But he was so far gone.
He was gone the day he decided to love a woman whose heart was long occupied.
He was gone when he played the role of the reliable friend as she walked towards her happiness.
He was so gone.
Jackson thought he was an idiot, he wasn’t afraid to tell Minho that.
Nathan said nothing of Minho’s situation, hence it was clear that he was worried.
Will had once admitted to Minho that he thought Minho was amazing.
Maybe it did look like that to an outsider. It might have appeared impressive that Minho was selflessly putting his feelings aside, and giving the couple his blessings. That all that mattered was, Haley's happiness.
That Minho would do anything for Haley's smile.
No one knew, how much Minho hated it.
He hated having to see her every day, but he couldn't be with her forever. He hated making her smile but knowing her brightest laugh was reserved for someone else. He hated being a friend to her because he knew he could not being her friend.
It really really hurt.
Minho slammed the laptop shut, frustrated at himself.
He couldn't do anything right. He couldn't love her enough to give her his sincere blessings. He couldn't love himself enough to shut her out of his life.
Minho was just stuck, going nowhere.
He was stuck playing the role of a good friend, he was stuck watching the girl who took his heart get married to someone else. He was stuck feeling the misery all by himself.
He honestly couldn't wait for the wedding to be over.
Haley would move out of the boarding house, to her new home as she starts a new life with Bobby.
Haley would be out of his sight. Haley could be out of his mind.
Minho really wished Haley could move out of his heart.
Soft chimes rang throughout the house, and he turned towards his phone to look at the time.
'I get off at 1 a.m.'
His fingers reached towards his wallet on the desk beside his bed. Carelessly shoved in between the slot, was a slip of receipt from the pub. Minho turned it over.
There was a number scribbled on the back.
He hesitated, wondering for a second, was this going to be another one of his bad decision.
Still, Minho made the call.
"Hello?"
He took a deep breath upon hearing the bright voice on the other end. "Hey. Beth right? It's Kang Minho. From… earlier."
"Oh! Kang Minho! Woah, I didn't think you were going to call!"
The boy blinked in confusion, trying to recall the conversation they had when he was making payment. The vibrant waitress at the counter was all smiles as she read his credit card and told him that she liked his name. Did he misunderstand her?
Was Minho reading signals wrong again?
"I thought... oh…"
He heard her laugh at his confusion. "No no no. I am just surprised. I am glad you called."
Minho relaxed a little as he shifted the laptop off his bed. "Are you on your way home from work?"
"Yes, I am waiting for a cab right now. Are you and your friends still out?"
"No, we parted ways."
"For the best, I guess. Your friend was so drunk."
Minho smiled, remembering how loud Jackson was. He was the reason why Beth kept glancing over at them. Minho had caught her eye then and gave her an apologetic smile. They had drunk a lot that night, he could still feel the warmth of the alcohol in his system.
"Beth? Do you want to grab a drink now?"
There was a long pause on her end as Minho's eyes flickered to the tiny seep between his bedroom door and the floor. The lights in the living room were finally off.
"No."
Minho's fingers tightened around nervously his phone at her firm response. "Ah. Right. Sorry, I just thought, because you told me when you get off work…"
"Right." She chuckled lightly. "That was my fault. I speak nonsense when I am excited. I really need my sleep right now."
"Of course.” Minho answered, feeing a little embarrassed. “You get a good rest then."
"Can you call me? 12 hours later?"
"Huh?" He sat up in his bed.
"When you are sober, Kang Minho, and well rested.” She said, her bright voice softening. “If you are interested in a cup of coffee, please call me. I have been told I am a good listening ear."
"I didn't say I needed one." But a smile crept onto Minho's face nonetheless.
"I worked in a pub. I can see why people drink."
He didn't realize he held his breath after her odd statement. Her strange confidence remained him of someone. Someone who lived across the hallway.
"So why do I drink?" Minho found himself asking.
She hesitated. "You are tired. I am not sure why you call me, but I don't think I can help you right now. You need rest."
Minho said nothing. He was staring at his bedroom door.
"And if you need a friend tomorrow, you know what number to call," Beth said kindly.
When he hung up the phone after wishing her good night, Minho sank his head into his pillow, feeling the heaviest he had been all day.
Even a complete stranger could tell he was messed up.
He thought he was doing so well.
Minho couldn’t love the girl he truly wanted to love. Because she was not his to love. And Haley was so blissfully in love, that it was killing him inside. When he saw the way Haley and Bobby looked at each other, Minho knew they were meant to be, and he could only laugh at himself for being a fool.
He thought he could handle everything by himself and that his friends were silly for worrying. Minho was far from perfect. He made bad decisions over and over again when it came to Haley. Whenever he was face to face with her, it was like his brain and heart would constantly be battling of what was the right thing to do. Should he stay away? Could he stay away?
Minho still didn’t know if he was doing the right thing. Then again, who was to judge?
Minho was tired, Beth was right. He needed rest.
He was tired of trying to figure what to do. He was tired of balancing on the thin line between who he was to Haley, and who he wanted to be. He was tired of convincing himself that these decisions he had made weren’t all bad if he never regretted any of them.
He was tired but there was no power switch to the emotions he was facing.
It wasn’t Haley’s fault.
Minho cared for her. But at one point, he had to start caring for himself too.
It wasn’t his fault.
He was tired, and Minho wanted to move on.
Tomorrow, he promised himself, tomorrow he shall try.
Tomorrow, he honestly hoped, he would have a better day.
"I am back."
Nathan called out as he slipped his feet out of his sneakers. A smile slipped onto his face as he heard the approaching steps hurrying towards him.
"Did you miss me?" He smiled as he reached out with both his hands.
The cat meowed in return as Nathan scratched behind its ear. He found himself beaming at the satisfied expression of his pet. There was nothing quite like being welcomed home.
"I am sorry. Dinner took longer than expected. I will get your food ready in a jiffy."
The doe-eyed boy made his way to the kitchen as his companion followed closely behind him.
Humming to himself, Nathan took the cat food from the top cabinet and began pouring it out onto a bowl. "I am too tired to cook today. But you probably rather not wait too, am I right, Bey?"
Bey sat perfectly still on the kitchen counter, its eyes completely focus on the food. The cat was in no mood to entertain Nathan with an empty stomach.
"Where's your friend? Still mad at me?" Nathan glanced around for his other pet who had yet to make its appearance since Nathan’s return. "Rey! Dinner!"
Food really could solve all misunderstanding in life, Nathan mused as Rey appeared out of nowhere, brushing past his feet as it made its way to the food bowl. The other cat was taking the delayed dinner a little too close to heart, and it made Nathan smiled. It was probably his fault that his cats had developed such a personality.
Bey greeted the other cat cheerfully before the two of them began lapping out the food eagerly.
"Look at that. You must be hungry but you still waited for each other." Nathan chuckled as he washed his hands in the kitchen sink. He frowned slightly at the weight of the liquid soap bottle. It was time to go grocery shopping soon.
He mentally added that to his weekly schedule as he opened the fridge and took out an opened bottle of red wine. Nathan was about to reach for the glass cabinet when he remembered the wine glass was still on the drying rack.
Without a thought to proper drinking etiquettes, Nathan filled the entire glass to the brim.
Who was to judge?
He stood in the kitchen, watching his cats in silence, before shifting to the living room. He didn’t quite feel like preparing to settle in for the night yet. There was always some entertaining variety shows running at this hour, Nathan could use a good laugh.
Nathan was the type of guy to find the smallest thing entertaining. It wasn't long before he was laughing out and clapping his hands along at the crazy antics of the hosts on one of his favorite variety show.
"Look at that!" Nathan chuckled and turned to face both Rey and Bey, who had climbed onto the sofa to take their spots beside him. "How is anyone that unlucky? This is hilarious."
Both his cats eyed him judgingly and Nathan pouted at their expressions. "You don't like this show?"
Rey turned away as Bey did a lazy body stretch in response. It was late, the two cats leaned into each other, with their eyes closed.
"Oh fine. I will turn it off so you can get some sleep."
With a press of the remote button, the house was quiet again. Both his cats were too stuffed to move around, and without that usual sound, all Nathan could hear was the sound of his own heart, beating all by itself.
It wasn’t as if Nathan was terrified of silence. He quite enjoyed it. He found it strangely liberating to be left alone, and away from any interruptions and judgmental stares. When he was alone, Nathan could do everything he wanted.
Not that he was planning to do anything crazy. He was just happy doing whatever he pleased. There was no one to comment on the fact that he was sitting alone in the dark, sipping alcohol in silence, in the middle of the night. There was no one to judge for the fact that he was probably going to collapse on his bed without taking a shower. There was no one to say a word.
Nathan loved being alone. But he hated it as well.
He remembered when he first moved here, how impressed his friends were. Minho, in particular, was extremely proud of him for being able to afford his own apartment. And Will couldn’t stop telling Nathan how jealous he was of him.
Nathan had laughed it off. He knew his friend meant no harm but Nathan knew that if given the opportunity, neither boys would ever want to live Nathan’s life.
It was better to have loved wrong, then to never have loved at all.
Nathan was alone.
To be fair, he liked his life. He devoted a lot of his time to work and Nathan couldn't be more proud of his achievements. His time and efforts were well recognized, and it especially showed in his paycheck. Naturally, his friends were happy for him. For Nathan, he merely thought it would be odd if he didn’t succeed in his career. It wasn't as if he had anything else to do. Some days, the office even felt like home.
Honestly though, Nathan enjoyed his work. The only reason for him to end work was that he had to hurry home after work to his cats. There was other stuff on his schedule, of course, he wasn't completely without a social life. Like tonight, he loved catching up with the boys for a drink. Just the other day, he signed himself up for a 12-weeks course to pick up drumming.
Maybe it was just a habit of doing everything alone. Nathan was fine with running errands on his own. Nathan was used to not sharing the details of his life with anyone. Nathan was okay with not having someone around. Maybe he just simply did not know the alternative.
He can’t help it though. There were nights way too long and there were days where by he felt terribly alone.
He would stare blankly at his phone, wondering what it would be like if he had text messages to look forward to or phone calls he could make. He even thought about Minho and wondered if that his friend was in the luckier situation.
Nathan didn’t believe in self-pitying. But he wasn’t completely indifferent to loneliness. While he refused to let his daily life be shaped by loneliness, Nathan still felt it. Try as he might to shut it out, Nathan could hear the mocking tone of loneliness now and then.
What would it be like, to have a hand to hold? What would it be like, to have someone to give a rose to? What would it be like, to have a home and not just a house?
It was a life that seemed too different from his. But it was a life Nathan would like one day. The question now, was when will the day come?
Perhaps the problem was, it wasn’t in his personality to go all out to meet new people. He honestly believed that when the time was right, he would meet the right person.
But the wait could get lonely.
He knew he would get there somehow though. He knew there had to be happiness in his future. It wasn’t like he was moping around about being alone. He wasn’t ready to give up. Nathan simply did not see the point of rushing to look for someone to fill in the emptiness in his life.
Loneliness was not a bad thing.
Didn't everyone feel lonely before?
If they were all lonely, didn't that mean that no one was truly alone?
Jackson meant well. Jackson was the type to walk his own path. He was not one to sit around and wait for fate or destiny. But Nathan was not like Jackson. There was no right or wrong. They were merely different. Nathan would never be a risk taker like Jackson, and it was okay.
He wouldn’t be him anymore if he started actively socializing or attending those matchmaking sessions that Jackson was so keen on bringing him to,just because he was lonely. He was an introvert. He was a homebody. And one day, someone was going to appreciate that about him.
Maybe one day, he would change his mind. Maybe one day he would admit he was perhaps, a little too stubborn and fixed on his ways. Maybe if he would have tried, he would have found the right person sooner.
But who knew? It was all in the future.
As he finished the glass of wine in his hand, Nathan stood up and dropped the wine glass into the sink that was almost filled with dirty plates and cups. Maybe a few years later, Nathan would have wished the younger him had lived differently.
Not tonight.
Tonight, Nathan was just going to let himself be. Even if it meant going around in circles, and heading nowhere.
“Is it a right turn at the traffic light ahead?”
The taxi driver was speaking to him, but Jackson was barely listening. His head was pounding and his heart hurt.
No wait, it was the other way around.
Jackson blinked and tried to focus on the driver’s mildly annoyed expression.
“No. Take a left. I want to go somewhere else.”
He wasn’t about to go home in this state. The night was young. He could almost hear all the different voices nagging at him to not be reckless, but he wouldn’t be Jackson if he wasn’t.
As he recited the address out loud, Jackson wondered about her reaction when she sees him showing up at her door. The thought of her angry face made Jackson laughed out loud. He quickly clasped his hands on his mouth, just in case the laughter induced him to projectile vomit the contents of his stomach
The warning glare from the driver did not go unnoticed by Jackson.
They pulled into a familiar parking spot and Jackson dug out his wallet, staring at it stupidly for too long. He was too drunk to be counting notes and he pulled out his card to pay instead. The driver couldn’t be more pleased to get rid of him. Jackson snickered as he stumbled out of the car once the bill was settled. He peeked at his watch to check the time before heading for the lift lobby.
She would still be awake.
His feet carried him to her door and it was times like this whereby Jackson was very proud of his muscle memory. Curling his fingers into a fist, Jackson started banging loudly on the solid wood door.
“Kira ah! Kira!”
Just a few seconds later, the door was thrown open and not expecting that, Jackson fell forward. He hit the cold marble floor hard. Jackson cursed out loud from the pain, knowing full well that she did that on purpose.
“Are you crazy, Jackson?”
“Yes, I am,” He answered as he turned around so that he was now lying flat on the floor and looked up at the familiar pair of angry eyes. “I am absolutely crazy in love with you.”
Flashing the most dashing smile he could muster with his current state, Jackson hoped that she wasn’t going to lose her temper at his unannounced visit. She sighed loudly, but Jackson saw the corners of her lips twitched. Knowing he was safe, he half walked, and half crawled over to her sofa as she closed the door behind him.
“Look at the time,” Kira chided. “My brother would be so mad if he knew you came over.”
“Derrick isn’t home this early.” Jackson mumbled with his eyes closed. That brother of hers was a workaholic despite the fact everyone agreed that he was underappreciated for the amount of time he poured into work. Derrick was often in his studio, writing music until dawn. He got little credit for it, after all, the fame and glory usually went to the singer. But still, Derrick worked hard, for his passion and also, for his goal to earn enough money to get his baby sister through university.
Said sister, was probably still glaring angrily at him now, with her hands on her hips. Jackson opened a single eye to peer at her. “How’s studying for your exams going?”
“Great,” She said. “Until you decided to drop by unannounced and drunk.”
“But I missed you.” Jackson pouted. It had been too long since he had seen her face and it was driving Jackson crazy. But Kira was having her year-end examinations and she didn’t need any distractions from him at the moment. Jackson was trying to be a good boyfriend, honestly. He blamed it on the alcohol.
At long last, Kira cracked a smile at him. He knew she wouldn’t be able to stay mad at him for long. Shaking her head at his recklessness, she left him alone and headed into the kitchen. Jackson was grinning like a fool when Kira came out with a hot towel. At the sight of his ear-splitting grin, she threw the hot towel on his face. It didn’t matter to him, he knew she cared.
“Why did you let yourself get so drunk again?” She complained.
He folded the towel so that they covered both his forehead and eyes nicely, before answering. “Will is having a hard time.”
“And yet you are the one destroying your liver.”
“He was there for me before. I wasn’t going to let him be alone now.”
A whistle from the kettle went off in the kitchen. Jackson heard Kira heading back into the kitchen. Jackson could barely focus as he listened to his girlfriend moved about. A short moment later, she returned with a tea pot and she nudged him awake to hand him a cup of steaming hot tea.
“Drink it. You will feel better.”
She sat down on the sofa as Jackson took a sip of the tea gratefully. The boiling tea went down his throat and he hastily removed his lips from the cup. Jackson was definitely awake now.
“Slowly!” Kira said with a light laugh as he glared at her for the attempted murder.
Grimacing, Jackson set the cup down on the table before lying flat on the comfortable sofa, with his head resting on Kira’s lap. She arranged the towel again, so letting it rest neatly on Jackson’s forehead. It was a small gesture, but Jackson felt instantly better.
“How is Will? It has been so many months now.” Kira asked.
Jackson did a mental calculation in his head and he realized that Kira was right. The break up was a long time ago. “He is a sentimental man.”
“You two are exactly the same,” Kira commented. “You both lived in the past, even if the memories tear you apart.”
“Not all memories hurt.” Jackson muttered. “Or rather, he is hurting because the memories were good.”
“You guys must be really worried for him,” Kira said as she brushed Jackson’s hair absent mindedly with her fingers.
Jackson closed his eyes at Kira’s soothing action. How could he not understand Will? Jackson would probably be worse off if his relationship with Kira ended the way Will’s and Rose’s did.
“He is like a brother to us. We have been through so much together. They were all there for me before. I was really messed up before I met you.”
“Here we go again.” Kira chuckled. He had repeated these countless of times to her, but Jackson always had a habit of speaking too much after he drank.
“I was lost. I didn’t have a dream. I was drinking and driving my motorbike recklessly. They didn’t mind that I was a wreck. Nathan was patient with me when I made so many mistakes trying to find out what to do with my damn life, and he never let any of my harsh words pushed him away. Minho was always the most supportive even with my ridiculous dream of winning that prize money on a televised audition program. That boy can’t even dance and he was the first to sign up to be my crew. Will was always there with me when I needed a drink or a good laugh. My god, we did crazy things then. But he always made sure to get me into a cab home. I don’t know what I would have become if I didn’t have them.”
The memories came back to him, and they warmed Jackson’s heart. Even if those times had been difficult and full of mistakes, it was still a period that mattered. He could do without those horrifying memories of his ‘lost boy life’ but truthfully, he would not be who he was if not for everything he had been through in the past. Jackson supposed, he would not know how to cherish what he had now, should he had never known what it was like to be empty.
Now, he was in love. Now, Jackson was loved. He knew he had to go through all that to get to where he was today, to deserved what he has today. He knew he had to grow up, before he met Kira, and became the man she deserved, a man who she could feel safe with.
“And you, of course.” Jackson opened his eyes to meet hers intently. “I lost that audition show but I won something bigger. I am so glad that I meet you and your brother then.”
Kira only smiled. But to Jackson, it was like the most beautiful smile he had seen.
She was his angel, his muse. She was so good and whole that Jackson was drawn to her instantly. Of course, Kira was no damsel. She was strong in her own ways, and that constantly inspired Jackson to be a better person. Kira was a good mix of silliness and wisdom, she was always ready for an adventure, but she was still sharp enough to make sure Jackson didn’t get them into any reckless situation.
They were a good pair, that was what all his friends told him.
He didn’t need their validation. He knew that since the day he decided to make her his.
Jackson still didn’t know what he did to deserve her, but Kira always hated when he voiced that thought out loud. She didn’t want to be placed on a pedestal. She wasn’t a prize that he had to earn. She wasn’t perfect after all.
Maybe it was just fate then. Jackson quite like the idea of that. It was reassuring to know that however lost one felt now, however alone, it was all temporary. Somewhere in the future, there was a right person waiting for you. There was a home.
Like how Jackson found Kira.
Feeling like his head wasn’t going to explode anytime soon, Jackson sat up again to reach for his tea. He finished it in a single shot before he glanced at the cream toned pottery set that Kira had used. It was a Japanese design. The cup, in particular, was interesting to him. It wasn’t exactly symmetrical, and the colors and glazing were not even throughout. The cup was distorted and imperfect, but Jackson thought it was beautiful in that way.
Also, Jackson kind of like the idea that Kira bought this tea set because she loved its imperfection.
Jackson was a flawed man. And so were all his friends. They were all far from perfect, but none of them were trying to be perfect. They would never try to pretend that they were someone they were not. Or maybe they no longer saw the point of hiding their flaws. Jackson liked that about them, they were all young, stupid and raw.
There was no harm in admitting when one was lost and going nowhere.
It was something that all of them had to go through. He was there once.
The thing about being young was, no one could get life right in their first try, you were meant to struggle, to fall and to stumble. You were meant to feel lost, to find and to seek. You were meant to try, and you were meant to fail.
Was anyone not lost in their twenties? Has anyone not loved and lost before? Has anyone not felt helpless, regretful or frustrated in the middle of the night?
They were the same.
In life, nobody could win everything.
It was Jackson who dragged everyone to the pub tonight
“We have to celebrate.” He insisted.
“What exactly are we celebrating?” Nathan raised an eyebrow. The oldest of them all was worried that Jackson was going to be insensitive to the current plights of their younger friends.
“There’s always something worth celebrating.”
“Sure.” Minho smiled supportively.
“We should be celebrating the present!”
Will had glanced at him warily. “The present?”
“Yes yes. We don’t only celebrate when life is great. We celebrate the present because we are here. We are not perfect and our lives are not perfect, but we are here. We are still here.”
Even if everything felt like they were going nowhere, Jackson knew that it wasn’t the case. There was a reason life brought them to those points. Maybe here, was where they needed to be now.
At the very least, they had each other.
Jackson laid back down on Kira’s lap, before letting out a long sigh.
Everything happened in the past to lead him here.
Here, he was happy.
Now, the only thing left was for all of them to be happy.
