this is where we talk:

at the end of the day, what i say won't matter to you. you'll formulate your own opinions and ideas. all i can do is share my story and hope that you see things my way. if not, shit goes on. these are my words. this is where we talk. "eram quod es, eris quod sum..."

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letters two and three are edited. check them out if you haven’t. let me know how rusty i’ve gotten.

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letter three:

Dear Person,

I called you a mistake and I said that you made me feel lower than anyone else. By this point you’re used to me speaking emotionally rather than logically but who can blame me when we’re talking about what we’re talking about. I won’t say that I was wrong but I will say that I could have said something else.

 “It isn’t you, it’s me.” For a moment I thought I was in a 90’s movie. I remember laughing you off but wondering what made you think I wanted to pursue anything with you. I thought that you were stupid for thinking that my drunken shenanigans were anything more than exactly that: drunken shenanigans. I wanted to tell you that I feed off of attention and that you were just the person who was giving it to me at that time. There was nothing special about you but I couldn’t tell you that. I needed you to feel like you had control.

We called it off but weeks later I found myself in the same bed asking how I got there. After a while I stopped asking questions, though, and I assumed it was where I was supposed to be. Apparently I was just wearing out my welcome.

I should have listened to you but instead I find myself in this same hole I have always been in. I pretend that I know what I’m doing or like I know my way out but I have taken up residency here and I don’t know if I’ll ever leave - or if I even want to. I guess I like it here.

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letter two:

Dear Person,

I wish I could say I was going along with the theme by calling you ‘person’ but I legitimately have no idea who you are.

When I look back on my life I will know that you were apart of the darkest part of it. Unfortunately, I’ll never be able to tell you that. I don’t have any animosity towards you because you were just another lost person looking for someone to fill a void.

I think I saw you the other day and that, to me, is the craziest thing ever. To walk this Earth knowing someone out there holds a piece of you is one of the most beautiful things known to mankind but to know that you will never see them again (and know it) is probably the most tragic.

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letter one:

Dear Person,

You were there first.

I often find myself trying to figure it all out, trying to figure us out, but what a pointless burden. No matter how we spin it, no matter what we do to change, no matter how much time we spend working on this we were never meant to be anything more than what we are and always have been.

You are not my friend. I do not know what I would call you but I do know that this is not a friendship. Friendship requires give and take and is only possible when you have two people who are willing to work with each other to build something positive and mutually beneficial. Neither us would consider setting our goal aside to find a happy median. You want something tangible. I want something abstract. Physical and emotional. Actions and words. Night and day.

I told myself a long time ago that I would move on from you - and, boy, have I been beating the shit out of that dead horse - but that was foolish. No matter what I do in this lifetime I will never be able to erase the memories of you and I.

I remember that night. I was exactly where I needed to be and I would not change a single thing.

You were there first and you will be there in the end... but that is not what I want anymore.

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letter one:

Dear Person,

Here we are again, right? I probably said I would never mention you again - which was probably the fifteenth time within the preceding six months. I vowed to forget you and to move on... yet here we are again.

I ran into you a couple weeks back at some bar I swear off every time. I always scan the room to make sure I'm alone; that you're not there. You were. I managed to avoid you for so long but there you were.

We acknowledged each other from across the room but avoided eye contact so no one else would be the wiser. It didn't matter. Everyone else was entirely too fucked up and self-consumed to ever notice us... I mean, that's been the tale of this, right? Hiding in plain sight. Being so forthcoming that everyone thinks it's a joke. I told everyone the truth from day one and they chose to tune it out.

You made your way through the crowd, shaking hands like the President - I always said that's where you belonged. You're a people person; everyone's best friend. There's always the one exception to the rule, though. I am that exception.

I didn't know how to greet you but you had your default down. With your hand extended and a half smile on your face you greet me with a generic "how are you" followed with a hearty "bro".

'THIS IS LOVE,' I considered screaming at the top of my lungs but I could only manage a meager "doing well, how about you?" I don't know what your response was but it doesn't matter because I stopped listening long before you walked over. I stopped listening that night in October almost five years ago when you made your way over under the radar and stole my sanity. I stopped listening because I lost from day one and I never wanted to accept it. If I can't hear it, it never happened right?

That night ended with me running out of some bar screaming and swearing it off for ever.

I went back last weekend. I secretly hoped you would be there. You weren't. Maybe next time.

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kill:

"Is it on?"

"Yeah. I think so... but why are we recording this again?"

"Are you kidding me? This is our legacy. People will look back on this and realize that we aren't just dumb fucking kids who went crazy. We weren't just a couple kids who had a pact. We fucking meant business. We are here to cleanse the world. We are here --"

"We are just dumb fucking kids who are going crazy, Josh. Stop. Take the len's cap off, Alex. Be smarter than the equipment; it helps."

Quickly, the camera shifts from black to a bright white then it focuses on its subjects. Before it sit five teenage kids.

"Oh, wow, Jenna. You're so smart. What ever would we do without?"

"Die." The room lights up with laughter. "Ok, let's get to it."

"Being the bitch doesn't make you the boss. I called everyone here today, I think I should be the one to take over. Thank you, though."

"Thank you, Sam. Finally someone put her in her place."

"I'm sorry, what was that Alex? I couldn't hear you with my brother's dick down your throat."

"Guys, let's not lose focus! We aren't here for group therapy. We're here because this needs to come to an end. We're here because we have all - in some way - taken the life of another and because it is our duty, our calling to finish the job once and for all. The five of us were brought together for a reason. I am here to make sure that purpose is not lost in our childish bickering." Sam adjusts his focus from the group to the camera. "Dear World. This is for you. Five kids. All fucked up by you, society. We were born into this world with the false hopes and dreams that you fed to us. You told us we could be anything we wanted. You told us we could have it all. It seems as though that wasn't entirely true. We have all seen hurt and pain and failure and anger... we've seen a gambit of negativity and we are tired. This is the end for us and we are documenting the last of our days. When you watch this back, you will understand and you will change. If not, history is bound to repeat itself. You told us we could be anything... so we chose to be killers."

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welcome to kill:

I have written serieses before but I have an extreme urge, since a very young age, to write a horror series. I have always been obsessed with the genre and I feel like there is a sense of actual horror missing from horror stories these days. Everyone forgets that the point of a scary story is to scare someone. We take so much time paying attention to and perfecting the build-up that the actual frights get passed up. We focus more on gore than creating scenes that make the audience walk away in fear for their on life, as it could easily happen to them. I would like to change that. So, with that, I am going to begin a horror series and hopefully it won't be too awful. I'll try to see where I went wrong each time and get better. I'll stop talking your ear off now. Enjoy.

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letter four:

Dear Person,

Don't love me. Just fuck me... then love me... because I can't handle being alone in this.

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letter three:

Dear Person,

I want to be helpless. I want to drown in a sea of fear and pleasure. I want to think that my last moments are near and that these are my final moments. I want you to take control and force me into my place. I need to know my place.

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letter two:

Dear Person,

Don't believe a word I say. No matter how much I tell you I'm telling the truth, take it all as a lie and walk away from me. I will never have the courage to leave you so I need you to find the courage to leave me. I am brave; I am strong; I can live without you... but I won't make myself if I don't have to - but I definitely need to. I will never be right for you nor you for me. Let's just count our losses.

Goodbye.

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time away:

I spent some time away from here. A lot of time, actually. I had a lot of passion for this and then it became something I no longer wanted to be apart of. Something drew me back, though. So, I'm going to try and keep up with this now. I just need to write.

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letter one:

Dear Person,

I don't know what to say to you but I feel compelled to dedicate this one to you. Uhm... I'm sorry? I'm angry? I hate you? I love you? Something in there is right. Something about you isn't. It's been one month and that doesn't make any sense. 31 days killed me. I don't know that I want 31 more.

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finale:

I used to be so hard on myself when it came to this. I made myself believe that I was being stupid and that there was nothing there but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. One day, I convinced myself that things may not be the best thing ever but I had to accept that I'm not always gonna be in the best of positions. Shit happens, right? It all paid off - kinda. The end of the road is near and there is a break a few paces ahead. I can either let things wither off and spend my days wondering or I could dive in and potentially begin a brand new life. I think you know what I'll choose… This is the beginning and the end.

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sparkling lemon water:

as of late, i've been obsessed with lemons and lemon juice and all the health benefits that come from their consumptions. i started making myself eat salads - something that is very foreign to me - and instead of using dressing, i picked up the habit of drizzling my salads in fresh squeezed lemon juice. best decision ever. i was on google just trying to find out random facts about lemons and found a super cool recipe. half a lemon's worth of juice, pour it over ice, add sparkling water and voilà. i used a whole lemon, though. i think this is good for me. i'm focusing on getting my life together, one aspect at a time. one of my biggest worries - pun intended - over the last year or so has been my ever-climbing weight. i know, i was fucking skinny a year ago but lately i have really let myself go. i hit 200 plus pounds and my stamina, endurance, and overall drive have completely left my being. i keep saying this but i'm really trying to work on getting my life back on track. if everything works out the way i hope it does, this upcoming year will be one for the books for me. fingers crossed. as far as love is concerned, i'm still in the same boat i was in when this all started three years ago. nothing is different and nothing will change for as far as i can see. that's life though, right?

[adjhlsijghaljksga12e3]

the purple kush cam

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Here I go again…