...or is at very least a hypocrite. I disappeared and people thought that I had died, curiously some of the people I was closest to knew where I was and how to contact me & actively chose not to, they also actively chose to keep that information to themselves so that when I did rematerialise, people still thought that I had perished. Interestingly enough, most of the "friends," that were the most emotional about learning that I was indeed still alive, have chosen to remain almost entirely silent since I showed up and said "hey, man, not dead." Whether or not I reached out and tried to start conversations. And then my life fell apart... As my life continued to fall apart everyone continued to drift away. People actively removed me from their lives & some even pretended that I had never existed. So, here I am. I've considered giving up permanently, but I really can't bring myself to do that, so I've been trying to use the unwanted and unplanned free time I have to be as productive as possible: I try to read only interesting or beneficial things online & if they are entertaining more than any other characteristic, I am trying to make sure that I read the whole thing instead of skimming and wasting my time. I am trying to make a majority of what I watch on TV as substantial and educational as possible as well, for example: I don't know very much about world war I or Russian history & I would like to, so I'm eating programs about those two subjects like candy. My mother is currently jobless as well and is trying to get a lot of things done around her house that she has put off for decades, so I am helping her do that & our next adventure is going to be fixing our diets so that we're not eating all of the really shitty food that she likes and we can both lose weight and be generally healthier and happier. We're also catching up on long overdue dental work, myself especially, I had two teeth removed & need a root canal on three others. I've decided not to even entertain the idea of getting involved with anyone emotionally until I am fully fixed and doing something with my life and can handle that type of bullshit without ultimately sinking my own ship as is my usual course of action. Once my mother gives up on trying to fix up the house and I'm working again I am going to look into welding school, my father alluded that he would pay for it, but I can't presently ask him any questions because I refuse to talk to him - for the first time in at least twenty years he had the opportunity to have a meal and spend time with just my sister and I, not my mother, not my stepmother, not my half sister, just him and my older full sister & because he was too daft to attempt to contact me via any means other than my cell phone, which had been shut off, he got very mad at me and canceled at the very last possible minute, then he tried to reneg on that cancelation, by which time I was already heartbroken and decided it was time to let him swallow the bitter pill he's been feeding me my whole life - not answering his phone calls, not answering the door when he came over, not responding to messages online, and not opening the card he left on my door step. He needed to know what it was like to be actively & knowingly be ignored with no explanation. So there's that obstacle to overcome, again. I had really just repaired that relationship finally in the last year and it is spoiled again. I'm giving myself the rest of the month to start really making big positive changes with my diet and my life, after that I guess I just have to hope that I can make enough progress to be in a better place by the end of the year, otherwise it may be time to reconsider whether or not it's even worth it to continue putting myself and everyone else through all of this. So, we'll see.
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