abby

jus here for a laff

[phantomrose96]

Gemma Scout, on the phone with her bank: Yes I’m just trying to reopen my account. ‘Marked as deceased’ yes I know, but I’m not dead. Yes I know my husband sent you my death certificate. My death was faked in a really elaborate scheme so—no, not by me. Look just turn on CNN. I’m all over the news. It’ll—'can I come in with my husband?' No, I can’t. He’s dead now. Well maybe not dead. But he’s probably never coming back alive. They can’t get his innie in the elevator. Yes they tried that. But he sticks his arms and legs out real wide like a cat so they can’t get him in the elevator.”

[catilinas]

in the bed straight up snorking it. and by 'it' let's just say. haha. mimimimimimimimimimimimi

[memorycycle]

man what time is it im about to just clock out and go home rn lol *checks my phone* *the clock is scrolling thru time at like 999x speed* *i look around and everythings turning to sand and dust*

[joecomputer]

today i took diced green peppers, seasoned them with salt and fresh black pepper and baked it at 8000 degrees for 22 hours. i make this whenever i want pile of smoldering ash.

[cyborbs-deactivated20231020]

best thing tumblr ever did for me is the term "rotating it in my mind". it's really true that sometimes you think about something real hard but you can't tell what the thoughts are exactly. it's revolutionary stuff, i might even say

[vulpineprince]

sometimes the subject of your thoughts is just in this thing

[ablondpanda]

Ah, there it is!

The TUMBLER!

[knitmeapony]

The tumblr blorbo in the blorbo tumbler.

[lakemojave]

You dumb motherfucker life isn't about smelling flowers or feeling radiant sunshine on your skin or making meals with your loved ones. You idiot son of a bitch. It's about apps. It's about scrolling through apps.

[necrowyrm]

Yeah I love manipulating my friends for my own gain, the gain is called "hanging out", obtained via such cruel tactics as "showing interest in stuff they like" and "being generally complimentary and charming"

[aletheyass]

when the blind man shows frankenstein’s creature the pleasures of life he shows him cigarette and music. notice how he doesn’t show him linkedin and email

[langernameohnebedeutung]

TARGETED ATTACKS DROPPED??

[lord-raccoon]

finally i can make fun of the british and make sure they see it

[weaver-z]

Guy who was at the Capitol on January 6th and didn't even realize that there was an insurrection going on because he was too busy eating the plaster in the rotunda

[weaver-z]

[rslashrats]

epic chicken prank

[robo-revival]

Now they got chickens doing YouTuber face.

[tonysopranobignaturals-deactiva]

@roadkillbuffet

[casperscareschool]

[neilcromancer]

coming home after a long and difficult shift at the disease factory

[pityboy]

affirmations for when you have to send emails

[xno-chill-memesx]

[illumineeti]

[micro-usb-deactivated20230625]

[nalgenebottle-deactivated201706]

*goes to Coachella in a white linen suit like an antebellum lawyer, sweating profusely and dabbing at my forehead with a handkerchief* now, I’m no fancy scientist, but would you folk know where a simple gentleman such as myself could obtain some acid? Now, I’m no big city lawyer, but could any of you fine youths point a country boy such as myself in the direction of some fucking acid?

[bladedamus]

easily a contender for post of the decade

[gothiero]

Is anyone else in misery or is it just me and the guy from maroon 5

[gothiero]

Who the hell is kathy bates