Whatever Happened To Blog

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Click the image above to view ‘Badass #3: Zlatan Ibrahimovic’.

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Badass #3 - Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is quite an enigma. One of the most recognisable names in football today, he is second only to Cristiano Ronaldo as the most expensive player in the world. In each of the last 8 seasons, he has won the league title for whichever club he’s been at; once with Ajax, twice in controversial circumstances at Juventus, three times after moving to Inter Milan, once at Barcelona and last season at AC Milan. During that time, he has scored 154 goals at an average of one every 187 minutes. But despite all this, all he is recognised for is being one of the most over-rated footballers on the planet. Whether this is true or not is of little concern now though; what is important is that Zlatan is a criminally under-rated Badass.

One of Ibrahimovic’s main strengths is the force of his personality; Zlatan’s ego dwarfs even the €140m that has been spent on him by clubs to date. He was asked early in his career if anything could stop him becoming the best player in the world and agreed that there was in fact one thing that could; “An injury.” Not long afterwards, he came up against cumbersome Liverpool defender Stephane Henchoz in the Champions League and skinned him effortlessly. When asked to describe his move on the Swiss centre back, he crowed; "First I went left, he did too. Then I went right, and he did too. Then I went left again, and he went to buy a hot dog." And upon hearing criticism from the lumbering Norwegian striker John Carew about some of his trickery being pointless, his retort was simple and untroubled; "What John Carew can do with a football, I can do with an orange." In all fairness, he’s probably got a point. He is also unafraid to stand up for his beliefs. After he violated curfew on the eve of a Euro 2008 qualifier against Lichtenstein to visit a nightclub with two teammates, coach Lars Lagerback sent him and the others home. While Christian Wilhelmsson and Olof Mellberg accepted the decision, Zlatan didn’t and refused to play for Sweden again until ending his self-imposed exile for over 6 months.

And this unwavering self-worth obviously makes him a big success with the opposite sex. An interview in 2001 enquired of him who the most beautiful girl in the world was, to which he replied; “I don’t know, but when I do I will date her.” After an unfortunately-timed picture of him and Gerard Pique led to rumours that the two were massive benders, he offered to dispel the rumours in person to a female Spanish journalist, as long as she brought her sister with her. And when some fortunate girl, Helena Seger, was lucky enough to tie him down, he was asked what he bought her as an engagement present; "What she got? She got Zlatan." No girl could ask for more.

Unfortunately, there is a down side to being naturally brilliant at absolutely everything; lesser people start getting jealous. The only way to deal with haters is to slap them down before they bring you down. And of course Zlatan, who once enraged his former Ajax striking partner Mido to the extent that the Egyptian hurled a pair of scissors at him in the dressing room, is awesome at this as well. He earned a black belt in tae kwon do aged just 17 while still at Malmo and has taken every opportunity to demonstrate his aptitude for violence in the years since. At Barcelona, he fabulously escaped with a yellow card after a glorious foul on Villareal’s Diego Godin. Last season at Milan, he delivered a sneaky rabbit punch to Bari’s Marco Rossi which was unfortunately caught by the referee, who issued him with a straight red card. And Zlatan’s wrath also extends to his team-mates; he was famously sold to Juventus after deliberately injuring fellow Ajax forward Rafael van der Vaart in an international friendly, he delivered a textbook shoulder kick to Milan’s Rodney Strasser for a laugh in training and celebrated winning the scudetto by booting Antonio Cassano in the face while being interviewed on live television. A simple youtube search will also reveal spats with Christian Wilhelmsson, Gennaro Gattuso, Mark van Bommel and the coach of Al Ahli.

Throughout his career, Zlatan has consistently delivered controversy but returning to his old stomping ground of the San Siro last year seemed to galvanise him after a tricky year at Barcelona, and he really picked up the pace in his quest to become the ultimate Badass. Having this summer made his move to AC Milan a permanent one suggests that this season could be the most notorious of his career.

Alcohol/Substance Abuse: 2/10

Penchant for Violence – 7/10

Womanising – 5/10

Ego – 9/10

Anecdotal Brilliance: - 6/10

Ultimate Badass Rating: 29/50

By Tom Hepburn

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Click the image above to view ‘Arsene Wenger: Nothing but a poorman's Papa Hepsy’.

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Arsene Wenger: Nothing but a poorman's Papa Hepsy

When I was growing up, my father and I played a lot of Championship Manager. Because we were normal, self-respecting football fans and because Champ Man was brilliant, if occasionally infuriating, fun. From the first ever instalment up to the birth of Football Manager, rarely would an evening go by in our house where one or both of us didn’t spend at least an hour on the current incarnation. Often, we’d both play; one of us hunting for the next Cherno Samba while the other prepared for the following day’s respective school or work, and then swapping over.  And sometimes we’d just sit in on the other’s game for a while to see how they were getting on.

I have some fond memories of my dad’s games. I remember him signing a then-unknown James Beattie for his Norwich side, and Beattie going on to score over 50 goals in that season. I vaguely remember Alexander Zickler revelling in a free role in his Bayern Munich side and scoring over 30 goals to secure him the Bundesliga and Champions League double. But the game of his I remember best is one in which he was managing River Plate in Argentina.

I think it was just after the halcyon days of the deadly Pablo Aimar/Javier Saviola axis, maybe just creeping into the time where Andres d’Alessandro was the big name there. Whenever it was, to my great amusement he’d compiled a squad that was completely saturated with attacking midfielders. Out of a small group of around 18 players, he had managed to amass 6 or 7 of them, and could come nowhere near fitting them all in his side. A couple of them were versatile enough to play on the wings, AM L/C or AM R/C, and one, the splendidly named Camel Meriem, was a coveted AM/F   R/L/C but most were just plain AM C’s and all but one of them sat on the metaphorical bench. When quizzed about his unconventional transfer policy, he wasn’t really sure why he signed so many of them and was as amused as I was about it; as if it was as much a subconscious inclination rather than a concrete decision. In any case, the ‘collection of attacking midfielders’ slipped into Hepburn family lore and became a running joke over the years that we would raise occasionally. I certainly never expected it implemented in real life.

But last week, when my father sent me a text message to say that Arsenal had reacted to their 8-2 defeat at the hands of Manchester United by enquiring about Yossi Benayoun, it struck me that it had indeed come to fruition, and on a fairly grand scale at that. No less than Arsene Wenger had adopted the Brian Hepburn philosophy of football and had begun to collect attacking midfielders with little interest in addressing any of the other deficiencies in his squad. 

If you’d asked a cross-section of pundits, neutrals and Gunners fans at the end of last season where they felt Arsenal needed to strengthen to mount a serious title challenge, you would have received a fairly consistent set of answers.

-An experienced goalkeeper to compete with, or succeed, Szczesny.

-An aggressive, dominant centre back to partner Vermaelen.

-A combative ballwinner in the Keane/Vieira mould to anchor their vastly talented midfield.

- A centre forward to provide genuine competition for van Persie, and successfully replace him when he is inevitably injured.

Perhaps there is only one man who would have answered this question with, “Two undeniably talented and highly-promising wingers with no immediate end product”. That man, however, is Arsene Wenger and his first two signings of the summer were Gervinho and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain for a total outlay of £22.7m. And, with the exceptions of Carl Jenkinson and Joel Campbell for nominal fees and the return of Ryo Miyaichi from loan, that was it until August 30th. Before the deadline passed, he brought in 5 players, 4 of them direct replacements for players he had allowed to leave; Andre Santos for Gael Clichy, Mikel Arteta for Cesc Fabregas, Yossi Benayoun for Samir Nasri and Park Chu-Young for Nicklas Bendtner; the other being German international centre back Per Mertesacker.

Whether these players represent financially and technically inferior like-for-like replacements is entirely subjective. The more pertinent point is that Wenger saw no reason to address any area of his already-unbalanced squad before the start of the season, other than bringing in an additional two attacking midfielders to complement Theo Walcott, Tomas Rosicky, Andrei Arshavin and Nasri, later Benayoun. And as 4 of the 5 other signings merely filled additional positions that had been vacated over the summer, the only area of weakness he ultimately addressed was in central defence.

In fact, approaches for yet more attacking midfielders, Lucho Gonzalez and Yoann Gourcuff, have been confirmed by Marseille and Lyon club officials in the last week and the club were also recently linked with moves for the mercurial Lille winger Eden Hazard and Sochaux playmaker Marvin Martin. And while it seems likely that the club would have signed two of these ahead of Arteta and Benayoun if possible, the time spent chasing all of these players would undoubtedly have been better spent on securing recruits in more pressing areas for concern. French holding midfielder Yann M’Vila was a major target but a deal could not be concluded before the close of the transfer window; one can’t help but think that a successful resolution would have been more likely had his move been prioritised ahead of Gervinho and Oxlade-Chamberlain’s back in June.

As a result of the transfer activity, Arsenal’s midfield is worryingly imbalanced. Even the bulk of his central midfielders are more inclined towards creativity than disruption; none of Jack Wilshire, Aaron Ramsey or Arteta seem likely to warrant a ‘Tackling’ stat of 10 or more, whereas Abou Diaby is of the box-to-box variety. Alex Song is the only recognised DM C in the squad and Arsenal have already paid the price for their lack of depth in this department. In Song’s absence through suspension, youngster Emanuel Frimpong started the home game against Liverpool and was sent off at 0-0 as they slumped to a 2-0 defeat; in the 8-2 thrashing at Old Trafford, Francis Coquelin deputised alongside Ramsey and Rosicky in the centre of the park as the Gunners failed to contain a rampant United side.

Maybe Arsene is just as unaware that he is neglecting other areas of his squad in favour of AM C’s as my dad was. But ultimately, my father’s stable of flamboyant attackers went on the secure him the Argentine League title and victory in the Copa Libertadores; undoubtedly in highly entertaining fashion. After a well-documented barren spell of 6 years, Wenger will be hailed as a miracle-working visionary if his young side secure the equivalent Premiership and Champions League trophies this season. But you and I will know where he got the idea from.

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Click the image above to view 'Badass of Buffoon: A Transfer Window Roundup'. 

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Badass or Buffoon: A Transfer Window Round-up

Admittedly the transfer window has been closed for almost a week now, but this column is weekly and it’s not like you’ve anything to get excited about on international week is it? So here is a round-up of each club’s business in the window and their manager’s rating on whether it was a successful summer in the transfer market or not. Naturally, those that have done well are Badasses; those who haven’t are buffoons. Financial figures were obtained from transferleague.co.uk and betinf.com, so blame them if there are any inaccuracies. So delve in, take offence and feel free to inform me how wrong I am.

Arsenal:

Players In: 8     Net Spend -£18m

Per Mertesacker may prove to be a good signing and Gervinho is frustrating but pacy and talented, but it’s otherwise a case of inferior like-for-like replacements with Andre Santos, Mikel Arteta, Yossi Benayoun and Park Chu-Young replacing Clichy, Fabregas, Nasri and Bendtner. Admittedly it’s hard to see how anyone could be worse than Bendtner, but South Korean Park was relegated from Ligue 1 last season with AS Monaco so here’s hoping. However it is Wenger’s peculiar insistence that Fabregas and Nasri were staying, even saying that they were respectively ill and not match-fit when he left them both out of the Newcastle game, and their subsequent departures that sealed Arsene’s fate for this window.

Arsene Wenger – Buffoon

  Aston Villa:

Players In: 4     Net Spend: -£20m

The departures of last season’s star players Stewart Downing and Ashley Young were always going to hurt Villa, but new manager Alex McLeish cannot be held accountable for these. The acquisitions of Shay Given and Alan Hutton could be both wise and good value-for-money and Charles N’Zogbia is as very adequate replacement for Downing. The presence of an energetic but otherwise completely useless central midfielder was also assured after the outgoing Nigel Reo-Coker was replaced with Jermaine Jenas on a season loan. Overall though, the squad looks weaker than last year and McLeish would have wanted to do more to help win over a Villa faithful who were decidedly unimpressed with his appointment.

Alex McLeish – Buffoon

  Blackburn Rovers:

Players In: 6     Net Spend: -£10m

Having mystifyingly failed to acquire prime targets Robinho, Ronaldinho and Kaka, Blackburn did a lot of slightly-less prestigious business. Striker David Goodwillie looked a good prospect at Dundee United and at £2m isn’t much of a gamble, Montenegrin midfielder Simon Vukcevic looks an absolute bargain at £2m and Scott Dann will be an excellent partner for the retained Chris Samba; even though they’d both rather be somewhere else. But come on Steve, whatever possessed you to pay money for the Yak?!

Steve Kean – Buffoon

    Bolton Wanderers:

Players In: 8     Net Spend: -£400k

Owen Coyle likes his sides to play attractive, expansive football and the acquisitions of Tuncay, Gael Kakuta and Chris Eagles should help further the transition from the bad old days of Sam Allardyce, Sammy Lee and Gary Megson. Tyrone Mears, injury notwithstanding, would have provided good competition for Greitar Steinsson and Dedryck Boyata is another astute loan signing. On the hand, Nigel Reo-Coker has pace but little else and David N’Gog is incredibly unlikely to score the goals that Elmander and Sturridge did. But retaining Gary Cahill is a positive, if risky, step and Bolton’s steady if unspectacular transformation into a quietly decent side looks likely to continue.

Owen Coyle – Badass

  Chelsea:

Players In: 6     Net Spend: £47m

Not much in terms of numbers but still a respectable outlay in terms of finance, all of the main areas of concern in Chelsea’s squad were all, eventually, addressed. They may not have got Modric, but Juan Mata and Raul Meireles should provide some much needed guile in midfield and some chances for Senor Torres to score or miss at his leisure. The new Drogba, Romelu Lukaku, has arrived to learn from and eventually replace the old Drogba, Didier himself, and Thibault Courtois will likely succeed Petr Cech one day. There does appear to be a worrying lack of width available to Chelsea but a man as suave and sophisticated as AVB was never in danger of being labelled a buffoon. He also conducted himself with class over the long-running Modric saga, a trait not always applicable to the Chelsea hierarchy.

Andre Villas-Boas – Badass

  Everton:

Players In: 2     Net Spend: -£15m

David Moyes may well have the most difficult job in football at the moment and was once again unable to spend any money whatsoever. Unloading the woefully-out-of-his-depth Jermaine Beckford and the woefully-overweight Yakubu will save some money but they will be hugely reliant on the rarely-fit Louis Saha and loan signing Denis Stracqualursi to score goals and the departure of Mikel Arteta must hurt. It’s hard not to feel for Moyes, but football is a ruthless business these days so not even the loan signing of the previous subject of this column, Royston Drenthe, is enough to save him here.

David Moyes – Buffoon

  Fulham:

Players In: 7     Net Spend: £12m

The arrivals of veteran defenders John Arne Riise and Zdenek Grygera should help shore up the defence and Martin Jol secured a couple of promising youngsters, but it is the arrival of the technically gifted Costa Rican forward Bryan Ruiz for £10.6m that catches the eye here; if he proves he is physical enough for this league, and I suspect he will, he could turn out to be the signing of the window. Whatever happens this season, it will be a pleasure to have Martin Jol and his incredibly reassuring voice back in English football.

Martin Jol – Badass

  Liverpool:

Players In: 8     Net Spend: £36m

Having to pay double the going rate for buying English has meant that they have overspent ridiculously again this window, but Liverpool secured the players they wanted and they secured them early. Charlie Adam’s set piece delivery will be a valuable weapon in their arsenal and Stewart Downing and Jordan Henderson will provide some width for the first time in years and crosses for Andy Carroll to latch onto. Sebastian Coates is a hugely promising centre back and Jose Enrique will mean that they no longer have to rely on Glen Johnson ever again. The re-signing of Craig Bellamy is a bit of a wildcard and relying solely on Lucas Leiva to anchor their midfield seems risky, but it is unquestionably another good window for ‘King’ Kenny.

Kenny Dalglish – Badass

  Manchester City:

Players In: 6     Net Spend £57m

Polar opposite to David Moyes, Roberto Mancini is the man who has everything he could possibly desire; even signing Owen Hargreaves presumably just to piss off their neighbours. If he gets fit, he is a holding midfielder of real quality, but he will still only be back up for Yaya, Barry and de Jong. Elsewhere, new signings Sergio Aguero and Samir Nasri have already formed a devastating front four with the now-settled David Silva and Edin Dzeko and destroyed Spurs at White Hart Lane. Stefan Savic and Gael Clichy add yet more competition to an already sizeable defence but they do lack a genuinely world-class centre back to partner Vincent Kompany; Vidic next summer anyone?

Roberto Mancini – Badass

  Manchester United:

Players In: 3     Net Spend: £43m

Difficult one, this. Having won the title at a canter last season, the priority should be to push on and try to give Barcelona a real game in the Champions League. Fergie did his business decisively but did he do all he needed to? David de Gea will be a great keeper one day, but is he yet? Phil Jones already looks ridiculously good and Ashley Young has started sensationally, but these weren’t the areas where United struggled to match Barcelona last season. Can any United fan really say they are happy with any combination of Fletcher, Carrick, Anderson and Cleverley against Xavi, Iniesta and Busquets, let alone Fabregas, Keita and Alcantara? Diarra and Sneijder would have put them on a different level.

Sir Alex Ferguson – Buffoon

Newcastle United:

Players In: 7     Net Spend: £4m

Replacing the spine of the side that came up and stayed up with a number of untested French players seemed to be the transfer policy this summer. Yohan Cabaye will do well after inexplicably leaving the side he captained to the French title and a shot at the Champions League for the fog on the Tyne, Demba Ba will score goals when fit and Gabriel Obertan is much better than he showed at Man United. Davide Santon should provide some class and experience at the back, but then again Jean-Alain Boumsong should have as well. Overall, I can’t help but think they’ll miss the grit and desire of Nolan and Barton over the course of the season. Is Ashley’s next attempt at inciting a Geordie revolution a US-sport style relocation of Newcastle to the south of France?

Alan Pardew – Buffoon

  Norwich City:

Players In: 8     Net Spend: £4m

Identified and signed targets early on, which is always a good sign, and picked up a split of established Championship and League 1 players and promising youngsters from bigger Premiership sides. Kyle Naughton looked promising at Leicester last season but has failed to progress in the way Spurs hoped, especially when compared to his younger teammate at first Sheffield United and then Spurs Kyle Walker. Steve Morison was their most expensive signing but has never looked even close to Premiership class to me and although Ritchie de Laet and Daniel Ayala have arrived from Man United and Liverpool respectively, they’ve never been mentioned in the same breath as the youngsters that fans of either club are really excited about. Often football is about evolution rather than revolution and I genuinely hope that Lambert’s acquisitions blend in to create a side that is greater than the sum of its parts; the fans down there seem to have an unwavering belief in him that two successive promotions has justified. Overall though, I fear they will be a Blackpool without a Charlie Adam-esque star player.

Paul Lambert – Buffoon

  Queen’s Park Rangers:

Players In: 12     Net Spend: £10m

Exploded into life late on when the club’s takeover was completed and aimed solely for experienced Premiership players. Armand Traore, Luke Young, Anton Ferdinand and Danny Gabbidon are likely to make up an entirely new back four from the one that won promotion, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Kieron Dyer will be well aware that Loftus Road is more like the Last Chance Saloon for their once-promising careers and DJ Campbell and Jay Bothroyd have both scored Premier League goals before. Their biggest business though is undoubtedly the signing of Joey Barton and retention of PSG target Adel Taarabt. Warnock will overall be happy with his business, but it will be the form of these two that determines whether or not QPR stay up.

Neil Warnock – Badass

  Stoke City:

Players In: 7     Net Spend: £21m

Deadline day’s big spenders, Pulis bravely brought it in three Spurs players this summer. Jonathan Woodgate, if he stays fit, will probably become the best centre back to ever grace the Brittania Stadium; Wilson Palacios will bring some mobility and added steel to the midfield and will be a success as long as he doesn’t have to pass the ball more than 5 yards in any direction; Peter Crouch will head the ball off-target and away from goal in both boxes. Matthew Upson also arrived on a free to add to the growing stable of centre backs and Cameron Jerome was signed to be more mobile and equally as goal-shy as Crouch. After previously signing Sanli Tuncay and Eidur Gudjohnson, it appears Pulis has done away with any plans to bring a less direct approach to the side by sticking with what he knows. We respect your success Tony, but not your methods; paying £10m for Peter Crouch sealed your fate.

Tony Pulis: Buffoon

  Sunderland:

Players In: 12     Net Spend: £6m

Every year, Steve Bruce overhauls his squad to no great effect and this year promises to be more of the same. The signing of Conor Wickham could be an impressive coup and Seb Larsson is a hugely underrated talent, while David Vaughan and Craig Garner will bring bite and goals to the midfield. John O’Shea and Wes Brown though seem more likely to be added to the list of ex-United players who have failed after leaving Old Trafford than make any real impact and Nicklas Bendtner was signed on a season-loan on deadline day, presumably just for comedy value. Are they any better than last year? No.

Steve Bruce – Buffoon

  Swansea City:

Players In: 10     Net Spend: £9m

Brendan Rogers also made a point of doing his business early and, much like Paul Lambert, opted for a mix of Premiership youth and Championship experience. Big things are expected of Steven Caulker at White Hart Lane and he will be worth keeping an eye on in the heart of Swansea’s defence. If Wayne Routledge can finally fulfil his potential, he and Scott Sinclair could cause plenty of problems with their pace on the counter-attack. Leroy Lita and record signing Danny Graham have been brought in to score goals and whether they do or not will be key in Swansea’s hopes of survival. Michel Vorm looks a quality addition in goal and set a new record for Premier League saves made on his debut at Manchester City.

Brendan Rogers – Badass

  Tottenham Hotspur:

Players In: 6     Net Spend: -£19m

After a goal-shy 2010/11 season and throwing around gigantic bids for Sergio Aguero, Giuseppe Rossi, Fernando Llorente and Alvaro Negredo in January, much was expected of Spurs in this window as they attempt to regain Champions League football. But after failing to sign Mirko Vucinic and Rossi again, they settled for an ex-Arsenal striker on loan from a supposed top 4 rival who falsely accused the Spurs fans of racism after scoring twice against them for Real Madrid in April. They did retain Modric but the lack of ambition off the pitch can’t have done much to convince him that his long-term future is at White Hart Lane. They brought in Brad Friedel, who is more consistent but less talented and ten years older than Heurelho Gomes, and Scott Parker, who is much less talented and eight years older than Sandro. The one signing that did excite Spurs fans this summer was that of Ivory Coast wonderkid Souleymane Coulibaly, who looks an explosive talent but at age 16 will not figure in the first team for quite a while. Interestingly, only West Brom spent less than Spurs this summer.

Harry Redknapp – Buffoon

  West Bromwich Albion:

Players In: 7     Net Spend: £1m

5 free transfers, a season loan and a record signing constitute West Brom’s summer signings. Ben Foster and Marton Fulop join Scott Carson at the club as Woy mysteriously begins a collection of impressive goalkeepers.  Zoltan Gera returned to The Hawthornes, bringing some experience and craft with him and the versatile Billy Jones arrived from Preston to provide cover in a number of positions. Republic of Ireland striker Shane Long was signed to get amongst the goals, something he has already started to do and seems likely to form a potent striking partnership with Peter Odemwingie. A quiet transfer window then, but by no means an unimpressive one. West Brom don’t look a bad outside bet for the top 8 this year.

Roy Hodgson – Badass

  Wigan Athletic:

Players In: 6     Net Spend: -£5m

Surely they have to go down this season? Having sold Charles N’Zogbia, who almost single-handedly saved them from relegation last year, and bringing in only Shaun Maloney and David Jones they look set to be worse than last year by some distance. Ali Al-Habsi was also signed to a permanent deal after spending last season on loan from Bolton, but all he’ll be doing is keeping the score down. If they do manage to stay up again, Martinez will have earned a much better job than this one.

Roberto Martinez – Buffoon

  Wolverhampton Wanderers:

Players In: 3     Net Spend: £11m

A very quiet summer for Mick McCarthy, who probably spent most of it with his pal Ernie on Sesame Street, but quite a successful one. Completing the permanent signing of Jamie O’Hara was a good start, especially as his stamina, tenacity and quality left foot would lend themselves to much more fashionable clubs in the division. They followed up with the capture of Roger Johnson, one of the more highly-rated centre backs in the division, to bolster the spine of a deceptively-talented side. They are also reportedly in talks to sign free agent James McFadden, who would provide a different option up front from Fletcher, Doyle and Ebanks-Blake. They should be much too good to be dragged into another relegation battle.

Mick McCarthy - Badass

By Tom 'Hepsy' Hepburn

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Click the image above to view ‘Badass #2: Royston Drenthe’.

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Badass #2: Royston Drenthe

One of the more naturally gifted all-rounders in the modern game, Royston ‘Ricky’ Drenthe is a man you should be keeping a close eye on. Already a Badass by association (he is nephew to ex-Ajax, Juventus and Barcelona midfielder Edgar ‘The Pitbull’ Davids) Drenthe has time and again proved that he belongs in this column outright, not just because of his family. His career began modestly at Feyenoord, but took off after he appeared for the victorious Holland side at the 2007 u-21 European Championships and was named Player of the Tournament by UEFA. This secured him a 13m Euros move to Real Madrid; but only after Drenthe, in his first public display of being a Badass, threatened to take Feyenoord to court if they did not let him leave. 

Despite scoring a stunning goal on his debut against Sevilla, he failed to make much of an impact on the first team at Real. He more than made up for this off the pitch though; driving his car through the unfamiliar city of Madrid, Drenthe got lost and turned to his Satnav to direct him. And when it told him to turn left, he did so; taking absolutely no notice of the police car that was in his way and crashing straight into it. While he and his three passengers escaped unhurt, a policeman was taken to hospital to be treated for whiplash. Royston 1-0 The Police. He was then stopped at 4am doing 160km/h and having run 6 red lights, but escaped punishment after saying that he was rushing to hospital. 2-0.

By now well out of favour at Real, he spent the 2010/11 season on loan at newly-promoted Hercules. And while his time there started as a fairy tale, his free kick leading to the first of two unanswered goals in an astonishing win at Camp Nou, it soon turned to Greek tragedy as it emerged that the club couldn’t actually afford to pay the players as they had agreed; a problem rife in Spanish football that has led to a players strike and 2-week delay to the beginning of the 11/12 season. But while teammates including France international David Trezeguet bitched and moaned privately, Royston unleashed his innate Badass and went on strike in December, heading to his home in Rotterdam for Christmas and threatening to return to Madrid if the situation wasn’t resolved. He said of the matter; "I know that the people will probably think I'm a difficult character, but I'm not doing anything wrong here. I haven't been fully paid once since I left Madrid for Hercules. I've received 50 per cent of my monthly wages on two occasions and didn't get paid at all in the other four months. I have a mortgage and several other bills that need to be paid." And those other bills must have been fairly substantial. 

Because off the pitch, one of Royston's greatest talents is his way with the ladies. While every respectable modern-day footballer bears a scar or two from the fake nails of a glamour model, this would never be enough for a true Badass and Drenthe put himself ahead of the curve by joining the select club of those who have ‘banged’ a Playboy bunny. But even this wasn't enough for Royston. When it emerged in May 2009 that he was nailing Malena Gracia, two-time Spanish Playboy Cover Girl, there was only one person who wasn't impressed by the news, Drenthe's wife, who was pregnant with their second child. That's right, Drenthe's wife. This affair doesn't even appear to be a one-off or a well-kept secret; when interviewed, Royston famously responded to the question, "How often do you have sex?" with the frankly unbelievable answer, "With my wife, you mean?"

When he’s not too busy romancing smoking-hot bitches, Drenthe spends much of his free time in pursuit of the arts with his blossoming gangsta rap career. In 2008, he featured on Dutch artist U-Niq’s track ‘Tak Takie’, alongside former Ajax and Liverpool starlet Ryan Babel no less, before correctly deciding that the more established rapper was clearly holding him back and cutting a record of his own in July entitled ‘Jemay-Lee’ after his daughter and second child. Yes, the second child with whom his wife was pregnant while he was smashing a Playboy model. Somewhat upsettingly, this fact doesn’t seem to be mentioned in the song, although it could just be this author’s limited Dutch that is to blame for misinterpretation. 

At only 23 years of age, Drenthe has plenty of potential to become an ever bigger Badass in the future. Only last year, he added another weapon to his ever-expanding arsenal by executing a perfectly-timed karate kick to LA Galaxy midfielder Juninho’s head, in a pre-season friendly no less. Attaboy, Royston. For now, he has returned to Real Madrid but recently rejected a move to Benfica in the hope of forcing through a return to Feyenoord. Whether he is taking legal action or going on strike to accomplish this is as yet unknown.

  Alcohol/Substance Abuse: 3/10

Penchant for Violence: 5/10

Womanising: 9/10

Ego: 5/10

Anecdotal Brilliance: 6/10

  Ultimate Badass Rating: 28/50

By Tom 'Hepsy' Hepburn

Links:

Debut goal vs Sevilla

Police car crash

Malena Gracia 

Tak Takie

Jemay-Lee

De Jong-style karate kick

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Click the image above to view Daniel Howard's article on the rise and fall of Bradford City, including an interview with David Wetherall.

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Whatever Happened To Bradford City?

More than 10 years have passed since Bradford City achieved what many thought to have been impossible, not only getting into the Premier League, but then surviving after a nail biting final day. Four years earlier the club was in the 3rd tier of English football, however, an extraordinary rise saw the club experience two quick promotions and along with big money signings (at the time) that prompted excitement and enthusiasm for supporters. Unfortunately, that was as good as it got; internal issues became a problem, next thing the club was relegated and facing imminent administration which in turn triggered a series of relegations that have found the club in the 4th tier of the English football ladder and struggling to climb back up it. The story of the wonderful highs and then crushing lows of Bradford City FC is an intriguing tale of how one minute you can be living the dream then a few years later travelling ‘down south’ on a Tuesday night to play Torquay’s finest.

It is fair to say that Bradford City have a reputation that stands above its current status of League 2 football. They have five league and cup honours next to their name but despite this they are the lowest-ranked of all former Premier League clubs since its formation in early 1992. The club had yo-yoed up and down the leagues for many years, and struggled to gain any continuity or solidarity. After the club missed out on promotion in the play-offs to Middlesbrough, two years later they were relegated down to the 3rd Division. Mid-table obscurity followed for three seasons, queue the entrance of Geoffrey Richmond as the new chairman.

He made the short trip from Scarborough FC, promising to get the club into the Premier League within five seasons; it may have not been on the Stalin scale of the ‘five year plans’ but it was a statement from an ambitious man who had clear visions on where he wanted and thought the club should be.

Play-off triumph

Under Chris Kamara, Bradford City had some momentum going into the 1995-96 play-offs but that was soon extinguished after Blackpool went to Valley Parade and won 2-0. It was a big blow to the team after all the effort that had gone into making it into the play-offs however Kamara stayed positive, ‘Don’t write us off.  If he can get an early goal we will get back into it.’ And an early goal is exactly what Kammy got after Carl Shutt scored after six minutes, two more goals followed from Des Hamilton and then Mark Stallard which completed the remarkable turnaround and send them to Wembley for a final against Notts County.  

 The final was very much a Bradford day. Roughly 30,000 out of 39,972 were Bradford City fans and Paul Naulty, a regular at Bradford City games for 30+ years described the day; ‘On the way to the stadium free flags and scarves were being given out to supporters. With all the fans and the impetus we had it felt like it was going to be our day before the game even kicked off.’ Indeed promotion was secured with a 2-0 win over Notts County thanks to goals from Hamilton and Stallard. It was an important step for City as it put them one league closer to their ultimate goal and after the post-match celebrations, Richmond stated that ‘this is only the beginning.’ Avoiding relegation next term was a tough ask. The team found life in the 2nd Division tough and it was a long season which ended with them staying up on the final day of the season finishing two points clear in 21st. ‘The 1996-97 side were grafters, not a great side but worked well as a team and the momentum from the previous campaign kept us up.’ Paul also said ‘We then improved with the arrival of (Peter) Beagrie and (Robbie) Blake for example and confidence began to grow even more amongst players and fans.’ These were two players who were vital in the clubs promotion season, both scoring double figures from midfield, a fantastic effort in any league.

 Bradford’s miracle workers

However on the 6th January 1998, Kamara was sacked after winning only four of the previous 21 games which saw the club slip down to 11th after a promising start. Kamara described the sacking as ‘one of the saddest days of my 24 year career.’ Richmond wanted the club to push for promotion this season after consolidating the season before and stated that although ‘Kamara has been brilliant for City’ he felt he had taken the club as far as he could. Former player and a coach at the club Paul Jewell took temporary charge until the end of the season. At 33 he was one of the youngest managers in the football league.  The surprise was when Jewell was given the job on a permanent basis on the 8th of May 1998, it was expected that Richmond would turn to a bigger name and it was a huge gesture of faith towards Jewell.

Jewell had steered City to their highest finish for many years and with no previous experience in management it was a good effort. However, the pressure was on after it was announced that Jewell would receive a strong transfer budget which was confirmed when he broke the club's transfer record twice within the first week of the 1998–99 season. The first one being the acquisition of Lee Mills for £1m and then spending £1.3m on Arsenal forward Isaiah Rankin. In another popular move he brought back former Bradford City favourite Stuart McCall on a free transfer. Richmond had backed Jewell and wanted him to deliver his dream of Premiership football but the season did not start well with the club winning only one of their first seven games. Jewell however kept adding to his squad, additions like Dean Windass helped the club pick up form and led to them competing directly with Ipswich for the last automatic promotion place.

Eventually it all came down to a trip to Molineux, If City won they were in the Premier League. Wolves though had only lost once since Boxing Day and still had a chance of getting into the play-offs so it was by no means an easy game for City. It was an absorbing football match which had everything; goals, mistakes, penalties and near misses. Ultimately City triumphed, thanks to a 3-2 win courtesy of goals from Beagrie, Mills and Blake. Beagrie though, missed a penalty which would have made it 4-1 and when Wolves made it 3-2 it made for nervous viewing as Paul, who was there that day, described; ‘During the final few minutes I couldn’t watch, I went inside not knowing what had happened until someone came up to me and said ‘we had done it’. It was the first time I had ever got emotional over a game of football, the game had everything.’

Jewell’s ‘Dads Army’

Celebrations were short lived as the club made important steps to ensure they would be competitive in the Premier League, none more so than signing future club legend David Wetherall, who made the short trip to Bradford from local rivals Leeds United. He explained his move; ‘For me it was an easy decision, they had just got promoted to the Premier League and it was a chance for me to play regular football.’ Wetherall was signed for a club record fee of £1.4m and was the only ever-present of the 1999-2000 campaign by playing every minute for City in the Premier League.

Bradford City went into the first game of the campaign against Middlesbrough with not too many changes from their Division One team which prompted pundits, such as Rodney Marsh, giving them no chance. Wetherall told me ‘People wrote us off, Rodney Marsh saying he’ll “shave his head if they stay up.” Critics like that kept us motivated throughout the campaign.’ Critics even labelled Jewell’s team as the ‘Dads Army’ of the Premiership, pointing to the age of players signed by Jewell but this didn’t seem to affect the team as they recorded their first win against Middlesbrough on the opening day of the season.

Many look back on Bradford’s 1999/2000 season affectionately, not just because of their final day heroics but also the fact they were competitive in most games. Points against Tottenham, Chelsea and three at home to Arsenal, not to forget the 5-4 thriller against a star studded West Ham side and the 4-4 against Derby, it was an exhilarating few months that ended with huge partying on Sunday 14th May when the aforementioned Wetherall’s marvellous header secured three points against Liverpool. Relegation rivals Wimbledon lost out to Southampton meaning Bradford stayed up by three points in 17th place. Wetherall spoke of the success; ‘It was a team that achieved something; they spent a lot of money but with everything said about us it was a great achievement for the club’.

Big money, no results

A few days later though news started to filter through that Paul Jewell had handed in his resignation to chairman Geoffrey Richmond. This came as a shock coming so soon after the end of the season and different stories began to circulate; some saying Jewell had accepted another job to Richmond deeming 17th place was a failure. The reality was Paul Jewell had gone and his assistant Chris Hutchings was now in charge. Hutchings was backed and more big money signings came in, including: David Hopkin, Dan Petrescu and Benito Carbone. The summer of 2000 to many, was the start of the clubs rapid decline, Wetherall agreed. ‘The biggest mistake the club did was letting Paul (Jewell) go. The board wanted to change too much too soon whilst Paul wanted to evolve slowly. The board didn’t plan the contracts; most of the players were on very healthy Premiership salaries without relegation clauses.’ This was important as when the club was to be relegated, the wage bill was still very high and without the money from the Premier League it would always be hard to cope.

The club had a torrid time in the Premier League that season, finishing bottom, winning only five of their 38 fixtures. The club struggled to gain any kind of form and it showed by the change of manager mid season with Jim Jefferies replacing Chris Hutchings. Nevertheless Richmond was optimistic the following season, unveiling plans like: for every pound spent on season ticket sales from the 8th June till the start of the season one pound would go into manager Jim Jefferies’ player budget. What the club didn’t bank on though was the collapse of ITV Digital, after the club finished a disappointing mid table first season back in Division One Richmond announced that the club was set to lose upwards of £10m because of this. Richmond later said on this matter; ‘I couldn’t know we would have the ITV Digital situation that would take income away from every club.’ With the club having no hope of promotion the next season, Jim Jefferies resigned and the job was given to Nicky Law.

 The club was in a desperate situation now so much so after the club called in the administrators they sacked 16 players, leaving current manager Nicky Law with only five senior players in his squad. The breakdown in Carbone’s transfer also cost the club as they had to pay him £800,000 to cancel his £40,000 a week contract instead of cashing in on him.

Talking of the administration, Wetherall said; ‘The club went through so many changes; players were leaving, administration, players weren’t being paid. It was a real test of togetherness. 11 years since then and the club are still suffering from it.’

City managed to pull through and once the clubs future was confirmed, Richmond walked. On his departure he said that it ‘would have been my wish to still be at the club’ but ultimately said he would go ‘for the good of the club’ as long as his presence split the fan base. Gordon Gibb took over the reins along with Julian Rhodes.

City again struggled in the league although, in truth; many fans, players and board members were simple relieved that City managed to fulfil the fixtures when it looked for a long time that they wouldn’t. A 19th finish though was again a step in the wrong direction. Nicky Law was sacked in November 2003 with the club anchored in the First Division relegation zone, Bryan Robson was given the task of getting City out.

The task was too much for Robson though, he could only take 22 points from a final 27 games which saw the club finish 23rd and slip into English footballs 3rd tier. Some may argue this was City’s lowest point during the decline; the club had plunged into more financial trouble which resulted in Chairman Gordon Gibb resigning as chairman. Mid February, players agreed to defer percents of their wages if the club was to be placed in administration which on the 27th February it was. Robson claimed the administration had a ‘damaging effect on the dressing room.’ Wetherall also said on the situation; ‘Everyone realised we had to do what we could to ensure the clubs survival. It was not the intentions of the current board; they put a lot of hard work into making sure the club survived. Even now they have put a lot of dedication into the club.’

Down, down, deeper and down

City were now going through managers at the speed of Theo Walcott, whilst giving it as much thought as Wayne Rooney would give a math problem. Colin Todd was next in the firing line. More important issues arose though with the club in danger of extinction, administrators told City fans on the 14th May, that if they could raise £100,000 by the end of June it would guarantee the clubs survival. Sponsors chipped in and along with T & A Pro Celebrity All-Stars match, the money was raised to ensure Bradford City remained in business.

The Todd years were in truth a miserable time for the club, finishing 11th in both the 2004/2005 and 2005/2006 season he came under severe pressure as Paul describes; ‘Colin Todd was an uninspiring man, he played boring, ineffective football and when the results went against us he would blame everyone but himself. Only time I have ever boycotted a match at Valley Parade was when he was in charge.’ Dean Windass though, who scored 48 goals in his second stint at Valley Parade defended Todd. ‘I can’t believe people want to bring him down. He is the best manager in this league because of the respect the players have for him.’ Despite support from the players, Todd was let go on the 12th February. Wetherall was given the job in a caretaker-manager role with City in a terrible run of form.

‘The period before and when I took over the clubs form dipped. We were forced into selling our best players like; (Dean) Windass and (Jermaine) Johnson as we couldn’t afford to tie them down. The board asked me to have a spell in management and I was still playing at the time.’ When asked why club form had dipped Wetherall replied; ‘The squad simply wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t through lack of effort, the player’s application was excellent under me.’ This poor run saw the club, who were at the start of the decade in the Premier League, now gearing up for football in The Football Leagues lowest division as Wetherall could not prevent a third relegation in seven seasons.

Wetherall was relieved of his duties next season and back came former favourite Stuart McCall. McCall was given decent budgets and more than enough time to make an impact at City but unfortunately for him it never happened. Under McCall City never finished higher than 9th and as Paul told me, it was tough on the fans. ‘McCall had the best budgets the club had seen for years and often had the players but for one reason or another they couldn’t perform under him. City fans would never boo McCall as he is one of the best City midfielders ever but it came to the point where he had to go.’ It was also announced that mid way through the 2007/2008 season that Wetherall would stop playing and take up a coaching role. It was a huge testament to his loyalty to how he stuck by the club and compromised to ensure its survival.

Since City’s relegation to League 2 it has been an uneventful time for the club and its fans. Without been a 100% clear of its financial troubles they seem to be more stable than a few years earlier. On the club’s future, Wetherall, who has since left his post at Bradford to take up a role of youth development for the FA, said the club needs to look to the future. ‘I really enjoyed my coaching time at Bradford, it paved the way for getting the current role for the FA that I have now by coaching the youth team at Bradford. The club now is focusing on its development squad, in hope they can bring through younger players in the long term, something I feel the club should have done a few years back.’ Paul also added that he feels it’s the right way to go. ‘I can take 4th Division football after growing up watching City before in the lower leagues, something the younger fans aren’t used too. The best way to climb the leagues will be to find our own talent who are passionate about the club like the supporters.’

Looking up?

You could use many clichés to describe Bradford City in the last 15 years and maybe I would have as well but it turns out a recent development within the club saved me of that job. On the 25th August it was announced that current manager Peter Jackson had resigned stating that ‘He felt that to resign now would give the club that best possible chance for the rest of the season.’ A decision that has left many fans puzzled; four games in the League campaign and only one point is hardly a brilliant start but was his resignation really what a club striving for just a smidgen of stability needed? Looking at it from his point of view, if he didn’t think he was the man for the job then stepping down was a bold move as it gives the new man in charge time to settle in and mould the team into his style. So now it falls to current Chairmen; Julian Rhodes and Mark Lawn to find Peter Jackson’s successor and whoever they choose let’s hope he outlasts his first carton of milk and bring cheer to City’s long time dejected supporters.

By Daniel Howard

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Click the image above to view Whatever Happened To’s interview with Regi Blinker

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Whatever Happened To Regi Blinker?

Regi Blinker, arguably the epitome of the cult footballer, retired in the summer of 2006. Like many fellow professionals, he had a few ideas about what he was going to get out of bed for every day post-football, but felt the guidance available to him was minimal at best.

“I had ideas, but they never came out. Being a football agent or working as a sales rep for Nike were a few of them. The moment you finish playing, you are on your own. Nobody will help you, not the club, not the union and sometimes not even your agent.”

Luckily Regi’s entrepreneurial spirit took over at this point and he developed a business plan to help both himself and the hundreds of other professionals who find themselves in the same position every year.

“This is exactly why we started our platform Life After Football, to give players food for thought about their lives after football. It’s a topic nobody pays attention to and that’s a shame! Without the right advice, it can go wrong and players end up broke. My aim is for LAF to become an international platform for football players at the end of their careers, from lifestyle and financial advice to providing a network to help them back into normal society. This is still far away, but it is possible!”

The LAF project started with the production of a glossy lifestyle magazine primarily for footballers printed in Dutch. In addition to interviews with former Dutch stars Dennis Bergkamp, Patrick Kluivert, Johan Cruyff and many more, the publication also features information on the latest trends in beauty, fashion and gadgets, which all fits snugly with the brief of ‘a must-read magazine for the sporting man with a pampered lifestyle’. Boasting a circulation of 45000 copies throughout the Netherlands, numerous annual star studded events and an upcoming Dutch TV show, the project is most definitely gaining momentum.

“At the moment the focus is on the extension of the LAF platform. We publish the magazine in Holland, Belgium and Dubai with England, Spain and France next on the menu.”

Surely any foray into the English market is destined for success with Regi at the helm; such is his continued popularity with football fans of the nineties.

Regi started his career at Feyenoord under the tutelage of club legend Wim Jansen. Despite spending his first ten years in football at the club, Regi explains that it all changed upon Jansen’s exit.

“In 1996 we got a new coach called Arie Haan. I didn’t fit into his plans anymore, because he wanted to bring in other players and make money from it. This was the time for me to move on and Sheffield Wednesday was interested. A chance in the Premier League was something I didn’t have to think about very long, so I took it!”

Despite the obvious difference in styles between the English and Dutch top flights, Regi approached his big move in typical laid back fashion.

“To be honest, I had zero nerves going to England. My debut was against Aston Villa on a Wednesday night. The fairness of the game was attractive and I managed to score two goals that night. That filled up my ‘credit book’ straight away! Many foreign players speak of the great pace and strength needed to succeed in the Premiership. The pace was very high but I enjoyed every second of playing in this attractive league. I wasn’t very big or strong, more a skilful dribbler with some pace. This was my advantage against the big British defenders of the time!”

He left the Owls in 1997 as part of a swap deal with Celtic for the eccentric but utterly lovable Paolo Di Canio. This also meant that he could team up once again with his mentor, Wim Jansen.

“Celtic has been a revelation for me. Celtic is a massive club and I had good and bad spells. Overall though, everywhere I go and meet Celtic fans, they respect you for being part of stopping the ’10 in a row’ and playing for Celtic. It will always be part of my life.”

After 3 years at Celtic Park, Regi returned to the Netherlands for spells with RBC and Sparta Rotterdam before retiring whilst at amateur club Deltasport Vlaardingen.

Despite ending his professional career, Regi does still keep his foot in with the game, appearing for Celtic on numerous occasions in the Selco Masters Cup, whilst also joining in on the inaugural Life After Football Business Network Event in June of this year alongside a host of other big names.

It seems fair to say that Regi Blinker will be fondly remembered for his flair and flowing dreadlocks by all who witnessed his time in British football, and hopefully we will be hearing a lot more from him in the near future when his Life After Football brand hits the UK.

For more information on Regi's Life After Football business (providing you can understand Dutch or use Google Translate) please click here.

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Click the image above to view 'Badass #1: Duncan Ferguson'.

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Badass #1: Duncan Ferguson

This week's Badass will come as no surprise to any real football fan. He is undoubtedly one of the early candidates for the Ultimate Badass Award and a man that struck abject fear into the heart of almost every opposition player he came up against, and quite probably most of his teammates as well. Duncan Cowan Ferguson played for Carse Thistle, Dundee United, Rangers, Everton and Newcastle United in a career spanning 16 years and amassed a reputation as one of the great hardmen of British football. Even on a normal day, it would have taken repeated shots from an elephant tranquiliser gun to stop Big Dunc but when he lost his temper, woe betide whoever was stupid enough to have angered him.

Ferguson's most infamous act on the pitch occurred in his first full season at Rangers at the tail-end of the '93-'94 season. Chasing down a hopeful ball towards him, he used his powerful physique to try to force Raith Rovers right back Jock McStay into a mistake. He succeeded. McStay made the schoolboy error of turning around to object to the excessive force used by Ferguson; Big Dunc greeted this naivety with a shuddering Glasgow Kiss that floored McStay and would have made Begbie from Trainspotting wet his pants with joy. The referee, presumably looking into the nightmare realm of Ferguson's eyes and deciding that he wasn't getting paid enough for this shit, awarded only a free kick to Raith. The Scottish judicial system disagreed though.  

Having three prior convictions for assault, Ferguson was sentenced to three months in prison. Brilliantly, these previous offences were for headbutting a policeman, punching and kicking a fan on crutches and a somewhat-mysterious altercation with a fisherman. In addition to this, the SFA issued him with a 12-match ban; a punishment that so incensed Big Dunc that he later retired from international football with just 7 caps to his name, a decision that he was never to go back on.

His time inside clearly had a calming effect on Ferguson. Not long after his release he joined Everton, initially on loan and afterwards for a then-club record £4m, and took English football by storm, amassing a Premier League record of 9 red cards. Highlights include flooring Wigan's Paul Scharner with a textbook right hand,effortlessly flinging Paul 'Guvnor' Ince to the ground and doing his best to squeeze the life out of the utterly pointless ex-Spurs and Leicester City midfielder Steffen Freund; an unpunished elbow on Aston Villa's Tomas Hitzlsperger was later rewarded with a three-match ban from the FA, taking his record unofficially to 10. 

Sadly Ferguson, much like the mercurial Brazilian striker Ronaldo, was incredibly unlucky with injury and missed much of the prime of his career with persistent hernia, knee and sciatic nerve problems, leaving us only to wonder just how many red cards he could otherwise have amassed.  

However, Big Dunc's defining Badass moment was to occur off the field. In 2001, two burglars broke into his home in Rufford to rob the storage house of numerous crates of champagne and whisky. Somehow detecting the intruders, perhaps through the innate sixth sense that forewarned him when someone needed the fuck kicking out of them, he leapt out of bed naked and raced off to confront them. One of the men did what most anyone would do when confronted by an irate 6'4" butt-naked growling Scot; he ran. The other man, Scouse heroin addict Carl Bishop, panicked and swung a full bottle of vodka at Ferguson's head. There are contradicting accounts of the events that followed. Ferguson told police that he "ducked down and lashed out with my fist and struck him on the side of the face." Other reports state that he kicked and punched Bishop to the floor and then restrained him until police arrived. This writer would suggest that Big Dunc beat about forty-three shades of shit out of him. In any case,  Bishop spent the next two days in hospital and the next five years in prison for the burglary attempt and failing to return to jail on license from a previous crime; leaving all burglars in the Liverpool area thinking very carefully about their next potential housebreak.

Big Dunc retired from the game in 2006, captaining Everton at Goodison Park against West Brom and scoring in his final game in professional football. Now living with his family in Mallorca, he recently put an end to his animosity with the SFA by undertaking the B Licence in football coaching in order to open up football acadmies for children in Palma and La Manga. Reports that he spends his free time distilling and drinking Single Malt whisky, battering any tourist seen wearing a Liverpool shirt and terrorising the local fishermen are unsubstantiated.

Alcohol/Substance Abuse: 4/10 

Penchant for Violence: 10/10 

Womanising: 2/10 

Ego: 3/10

Anecdotal Brilliance: 7/10

Ultimate Badass Rating: 26/50

Links: 

Big Dunc vs. Jock McStay

Big Dunc vs.Paul Scharner 

Big Dunc vs.Paul Ince 

Big Dunc vs.Steffen Freund

By Tom 'Hepsy' Hepburn

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Click the image above to view 'Malaga - The Anchovies Sheikh Things Up'.

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Malaga – The Anchovies Sheikh Things Up

The idea of a wealthy sheikh buying a club with languishing fortunes is one familiar to the English game. At the conclusion of the 2010-2011 season, fifty per cent of teams in the Premier League were foreign owned. However, this phenomenon is one unbeknownst to Spanish Football, something which could be set to change.

In June 2010, Qatari billionaire Sheikh Abdullah bin Nasser Al Thani made the first foray into the La Liga playground, purchasing Malaga for 36 million Euros. The Sheikh was realistic about his club’s prospects when he first arrived stating,

"Our goal is to help Malaga take the necessary steps to consolidate its presence in La Liga and to reinforce the excitement and hopes of the supporters."

Los Boquerones, or The Anchovies, would hardly stand out as an obvious club to purchase. Only in existence in their current form since 1994, the club’s history has been littered with financial troubles and presidential scandals.

Their only trophy of note came in winning the 2002 UEFA Intertoto Cup, the now defunct European competition and hardly something to shout home about even at the time of its existence. Their history is dotted with sporadic lower league success and the label of yoyo club is more than appropriate.

Indeed, the inconsistency of the Andalucían side was plain to see for Al Thani himself as during the first half of the 2010-2011 La Liga season. An embarrassing 7-0 defeat to Real Madrid was a low point as at the turn of the year, Malaga found themselves in the relegation zone and coach Jesualdo Ferreira was heading for the exit door. The Sheikh’s investment looked doomed to failure.

This was until Al Thani flexed his financial muscle for the first time. Out went Ferreira and in came former Real Madrid coach Manuel Pellegrini, a decision which proved to be a watershed moment in their season.

The Chilean was able to attract proven quality players to buy into the Malaga project, and in doing so managed to resurrect the club’s season.  In came experienced heads Julio Baptista, Martín Demichelis and Enzo Maresca alongside exciting youngsters Nacho Camacho and Sergio Asenjo.

Pellegrini managed to blend his new signings and guided Malaga to a very respectable eleventh placed finish. The majority of Malaguistas were pleased at their team’s final placing, but Al Thani is keen to show that this project is not just 

a play thing. Intentions to take his Qatari revolution further are clear to see with their activity in this summer’s transfer window.

Dutch pair Ruud van Nistelrooy (free) and Joris Mathijsen (2m) arrived from Hamburg, helping toprovide some much needed experience. Alongside these came the highly rated full back Nacho Monreal from Osasuna (5m) and Diego Buonanotte (4m) from the now relegated River Plate.

The most eye catching transfers of the summer so far have come in the form of Jeremy Toulalan from Lyon (10m) and Valencia winger Joaquin (4m). Sheikh Al Thani has pulled off a coup managing to attract such a high calibre of player, especially in the prime of their careers, to his evolving club. It is a testament to the future plans he has in store to develop the Andalucíans

The carte blanche of Qatari owner has however resulted in Malaga becoming the new favourite target for gossip column writers. In recent times, the club has been linked to world famous stars including Didier Drogba, Emmanuel Adebayor, Carlos Tevez, Javier Pastore and Wesley Sneijder.

The signing of any of these players would mark a drastic change in philosophy for the Sheikh. Despite his insurmountable wealth, he has been pragmatic with his purchases so far and realises that an eleventh place finish in La Liga provides him with little leverage to sign such players.

Strengthening the club through transfers is not the only target. The entire infrastructure of the club is to be overhauled to ensure a bright future. A 65000 seater stadium is in the pipeline, along with the development of a 120000 square metre site, which is to be the location of the Malaga Football Academy.

In addition, an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at enhancing the club’s image is underway. Al Thani is keen to promote the club in his native Middle East, and plans to embark on pre-season tours of Asia. Furthermore, he is keen to secure earlier kick off times for his team to make it more appealing to the Asian market, clearly believing this is an untapped resource of support.

The transformation of Malaga is only in its embryonic stage. An improved finish next season should almost been seen as an inevitability with the astute signings made. It can be argued that a challenge for the fourth Champions League place is not beyond the realms of possibility, but any qualification into a European competition would be a welcome improvement and a valuable tool in helping to spread the Malaga brand.

Therefore, with the continuing evolution of the club and the deep pockets Sheikh Al Thani appears to have, is it only a matter of time before The Anchovies become a big fish in the La Liga pond?

By Ian Haran

[whateverhappenedtoblog]

Click the image above to view Whatever Happened To's interview with Jim Pearson.