What is Love? Really.

Writing diary of a young married bisexual woman.

[thegoldengrrrl]

Lupita Nyong’o and Janelle Monáe at the Fem The Future brunch

[whatislovespring-blog]

The bridges you’ve slept under as a child are less than an hour away.

You’re losing yourself.

It happens slowly

You hardly feel it at first and if you do at that point it is mistaken for growth

Little promises that you made to yourself begin to seem less important than the promises that you made to another.

Someone else’s smile makes you forget how brightly you shine on your own.

How strong you already are.

How powerful and perfect your mind is.

Is this what love feels like? You keep asking yourself and everyone you know.

One day you’re a flat stomached, sculpted ass, pierced, golden skinned, green eyed siren in the hills of southern California and the next you’re someone’s step mother. 

One day you’re up at 5 am to chug half a gallon of water, jump rope, meditate, and smoke before you shower and brush your teeth. Driving into LA to meet film makers and comic book editors.

One day you’re up at 7 trying to spend a few more minutes in bed with a man who claims he loves you but will push you away the moment you stop giving him what he wants when he wants it. One day you’re trying to cum while his kids from a past relationship strangle each other outside your bedroom door. 

One day you’re remembering all the pain you’ve endured and wonder what would’ve happened if you went balls deep in CA and didn’t come back to your mom’s state when you were 21.

You hear your mother’s brother say “You were built for this shit” and it hurts at first but he’s right. The struggle is your battle field. You thrive in it.

You’re tired but if anyone could make it, it’s you.

You’ve slept under bridges. You’ve stolen electricity from neighbors to survive. You build a mean fire. You cook like it’s your last day every time. You grew up on goodwill and dollar tree. You can take a cold shower without flinching. You ALWAYS SAY “THANK YOU.” You say “see you later” instead of “goodbye.”

Today you work for a multi-million dollar corporation and drink champagne with your CEO on Fridays. The bridges you’ve slept under as a child are less than an hour away.

Why do you doubt yourself in love but exude excellence without even trying?

You go so hard.

You could have the perfect love you seek. You could have whatever you want, You fucking deserve it. It’s already yours. Stop fucking making excuses. Go hard for your life. For yourself.

He puts them first. I put you first.

[whatislovespring-blog]

What does marriage mean to you?

Seeking opinions for future writings (although it will likely be all based on my opinion anyway LOL)

[whatislovespring-blog]

Perfect Marriage

In my version of the perfect marriage, I would be happily married to someone who believes in God or at least respects religion. Someone who can be polite when needed but can have fun with me when we are alone. Someone who makes me feel safe and comfortable when I am with them and gives me supportive words of encouragement when things get hard. Someone who can make me laugh until I can’t laugh anymore. Someone who wants to meal prep and go grocery shopping with me every Saturday and clean the house with me every Sunday after we get home from church. Someone who wants to get up and work out with me every morning, or at least encourages me to get up the first time my alarm rings. Someone who wants to raise a child with me with the best possible environment and appreciates how paranoid I can be. Someone who can see themselves in the mountains with me, our children, and our love as being more than they ever dreamed of.  Someone who can help motivate me to work harder, and smarter so that I can play harder with them. Someone who gives me beautiful stories to write. Someone who is protective of me and only wants to see me with them and them with me. Someone who makes my wandering eye stay put on their smile. Someone who can make me forget about all my past loves and make me realize that none of them were love at all. Someone that I can buy sex paint for and make a big mess with. Someone who understands that I want them to be the best version of themselves as much as they want that for me. Someone who really wants to grow and flourish with me. Someone who has been at the very bottom, white knuckling through life that wants to take the whole world into their hands with me. I need someone who has been at the bottom so they understand why I can’t give up on reaching the top.