What You Deserve

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #0

Dear dear S.,

Since you’ve read that love letter to L., I haven’t stop thinking about writing you a letter. We said a lot of cheesy stuff to each other since then, but in my case, it’s a just a small part of what is lying deep down. Just the tip of the iceberg...  

There’s so many things I want to tell you and I’m afraid I won’t be able to get a hold of all those thoughts and put them down here... But what I’m sure is that you deserve as much love if not more love than my Malaysian crush. I don’t know if I will be the one showing you that love. Or if I will be the one embracing with you that true relationship we both wish for. But after 10 days knowing you, I could already tell that you are the kind of person that truly deserves this much from life. And I’m not being cheesy or mesmerised by you here, I’m just being pragmatical. No objection, just hear me out girl!

I told you many times how your smile is a weapon of mass-destruction. In one strike, you can totally annihilate people’s armors/barriers/defenses, take your pick. In two strikes, you would hit their core with a blast of genuine joy, and in three you would simply melt their heart and claim their soul as yours. The poetry aside, your smile is not just a ray of sunshine to anyone’s lucky enough to be granted its sight, it’s not just warm and peaceful on the heart, it’s an amazing invitation to some sublime adventures.  

People wouldn’t know it yet, but when they meet you, when they admire your smile for the first time, they are about to jump, both feet together, in the most enriching and genuine experience. No matter where the conversation will lead, no matter how much time you’ll share together, if they are sensitive people, they will succumb to your greedy curiosity and extreme thirst of life. You’re the most naturally charming individual that I’ve met. And all your questions are as many doors to new quests and beautiful horizons.

Your biggest strength is your drive to improve yourself and to reach the heights of your dream self. And you know that you will enjoy every step of this long path. So not only you smile at every new discovery, but you warm the heart of every person you share a bit of your journey with. I’m so glad I met you and so grateful I could be a part of your great epic! You have that ability to make people comfortable and to make them trust you right away. You would ask me anything, I would answer honestly, as best as I could, simply because I felt you were not just asking but you were really interested in the kind of answer I will give and you will really listen to me no matter what I would say.  

Moreover, you are a fantastic learner. You don’t take anything you know as the truth but are open to question your knowledge and beliefs. You know how to listen. You know how to understand. And your phenomenal open minded spirit lets you change your ideas and values faster than anyone I met. You are the opposite of stubborn. But far from being docile, gullible and influencable. You weight the pros and cons of any given idea with great scrutiny and compare arguments with every bit of information you have acquired so far. And that makes you not only an incredibly smart person – the type that is aware that they can’t know everything and need others to evolve and grow – but also an amazingly flexible mind.  

It’s also that flexibility and the ability to easily take a few steps back from any issue, that helps you deal with troublesome matters with composure and elegance. We haven’t spent enough time together to have faced any kind of crisis but I believe that you would deal with any problem like you deal with your own fears: bravely and rationally. I can’t see you falling into despair, self-pitying, and cursing the world for its unfairness. No you will face any obstacle with dignity and take it down with persistence and hardship. And let me say this: if you ever face a tough situation and need a friendly hand to support you, I will be there for you. No matter what. And that is a promise I can make...

Because, even if we just met, I value our meeting and our connection more than any other as of today. And even if we have important things to do that still takes priority, my feelings for you won’t disappear. And even if we take different paths, even if we dont’ talk to each other, don’t see eacher other, and we start new relationships, you will still stay a very unique and very important person in my heart and I will always be there if you need me. I’m proud to be your friend. And I feel so grateful and lucky to have met you. For once, my best Valentine’s day ever! But more importantly, I must tell you, or maybe repeat to you how you make me feel...

Being with you for me is like continuously waking up in the warmth of a incredibly comfortable bed after a perfect night of sleep. You know when you wake up so rested and energised that your mind seems clearer and stronger than ever and the day can’t be anything but amazing. Being with you is just like that for me. By being by my side, looking at me, smiling at me, talking to me, you just make me feel so comfortable, so confident, so strong, and inspired. I feel I can just take the world over and solve any mystery in the blink of an eye. How can I not be addicted to that feeling? How can I not want to be with you all the time? Well, of course I want that. But we both know that addiction is not the real thing, right...

And if you ask me why I haven’t tell you I love you yet, no matter how strong was my desire do so many times, it is just because I know better than to get submerged by that incredible passion, that instantaneous intimacy, and true addiction to you that took over my mind these last few days... But one thing I also know for sure is that if you had stayed another week in Taiwan, and shared my daily life for that long, I would definitely not have been able to avoid the inevitable and pronounce those fatidic words. Not because the passion would have become unbearable but because I know that I would have reached the certitude that I can only fathom and caress from the tip of a guessing mind right now, which is that you are an extraordinary woman that I should fall in love with from the bottom of my heart and the height of my soul.

Call it an intuition, call it a premonition, what matters is that it’s not a self convincing illusion that surf on the waves of my desire to be in love. It’s a pragmatical assessment of what I see in you and what I guess is the rest of you that I haven’t observed yet. I rarely guess wrong, sorry for being cocky. So I doubt that fateful moment when I’ll confess to you my feelings would not occur if we spend more time together. Because you are as kind, as passionate, as ambitious, as open-minded, as independent, as mischievous, as playful, as cheerful, as confident, as naughty, as compassionate, as sensitive, as outgoing, as innocent, as clever, as curious, as sophisticated, as talented, as spontaneous, as adventurous, as positive, as honest, and as fun as I want my future partner in life to be. And that is again just the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much more than that in you that I can barely start to imagine how much love someone that really gets to know you will experience, taking upon him to give everything he has in him to you and do everything he can do to make you happy every single day.

Just wait for it girl. You’ll get that love one day. I guarantee it.  

You already deserve it.  

Yours sincerely,

A.

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #14

March 14th 2020

Happy Anniversary girl!

Today has been exactly one month since we met on Valentine’s day… And today’s letter will also be the last one as I promised to you. Your love died as fast as it came with me confessing and showing to you my deeper darkest secrets. What you’ve seen is just a part of me. Like what you fell in love with was also a part of me. I’m never both at the same time. The light that you brought. The darkness that fell upon me when you left me behind. Don’t think you can tell which one is the real me. The answer is neither. You should always beware of this in the future. Not everyone will open up and show you their hidden face early on.

Never trust a man too perfect.

You are a smart girl, with great ambitions, I know you won’t be deceived easily. But as someone who deeply care about you and want your happiness, I wish you will never meet that kind of individuals that are as charming as they are manipulative. I wish I could protect you from them but that is not my role. And sometimes, learning from mistakes can be a way to go. Just remember this in eventual moments of despair: you will be ok. No matter what. You are strong. You’ll get back up in no time. Stronger than ever. And it’s not just a saying. And if ever you need a reminder of how much someone can genuinely love you and be ready to give you the world until the rest of his days, you just have to come back here and read again these 15 love letters.

Because that’s what you deserve and also what you will get one day.

Don’t look down on yourself. I know where you come from, but those are just details. Trust in my experience and trust in my sincerity when I say I am not saying this words out of love, blindly, or to flatter your ego with some hidden agenda, I’m being totally honest and pragmatic here: you are an amazing person! You’re not gorgeous (even though you’re beautiful), you’re not brilliant (even though you’re clever), but you have something that very few have: a natural aura of happiness that radiates and influences people around you. And as long as you will have that, you’ll stay for me and for every one else, a one in a million girl.

So, if you ever feel down, sad, stressed, lost, angry, or if you feel you’re losing your way without knowing why, I promise I will be there for you. That is not a promise I’m making out of love, in the moment, but that is a promise I’m making to you here as a friend.

Now and forever, even if we don’t talk for years, even with viruses, wars, partners and kids around, I will always be there for you. You have my word.

Your special friend.

A.

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #13

March 13th 2020

So much have been said during the night, I know you now way better than yesterday and I feel blessed to have had the chance to meet you. So let me tell you why I have no doubt you will get what you want, achieve your objectives and find the man you are dreaming about.

You are not perfect, no one is. But even now you are already one hell of an amazing person and every man on the planet would wish to be with you. You’re like that beautiful painting that never seize to amaze with its infinite layers and millions of invisible details. One could spend a thousand lifes together with you and never repeat twice the same day. Underneath your apparent simplicity lies so many level of depths and realities. A source of inexhaustible adventures and marvelous interactions. An amazing reservoir of spice that brings life to daily unique laughs, banters, and smiles.

And what a smile that you have to offer! Instantaneous inspirations of happiness, indubitable proof of your cheerful soul, these daily offerings would immediately pull the most uptight white color from his unbearable stress. You’re like a flower that never fade and which perfume procures instant pleasure and well-being. You would reach people’s soul with a few unexpected questions and make them confess their biggest secrets gazing into their mesmerized mind with your beautiful eyes full of genuine curiosity.

You are that adventurous and spontaneous being that refuse boredom and jump into something new without second thought. How can someone not follow your rushing candor and tackle any obstacle for you? Your positivity and optimism bring light to the darkest places in which people tend to take refuge. And your compassion and pure heart make you drag the most forgotten souls from their purgatory. Your wonderful kindness brought me back from the torpor I was lying in for so long. You brought life and joy to my dying spirit, showing me, even for just a brief moment how unbelievably beautiful could be a life by your side, taking me on a rollercoaster ride that I will never forgot and cherish forever.

You have the ability to extract the best from people. To make them love you so much that they immediately become a better version of themselves. Individuals that would do anything to keep you smiling all day, every single day of an eternity together, people that would do anything to make you laugh until you sides hurt, and that would bring down the moon and the sun to the tea table so you can give them a lecture on how to really shine all the time.

You’re a that independent creature that makes people wait with delight and makes them run like world champions. Because you know that a healthy relationship has rules and because you know your limits very well. Because you’re brave enough to say harsh things to the people you love and sweet enough to take them in your warm embrace after. You make mistakes like everyone but can laugh about it and apologize with the deepest sincerity. You’re so harsh on yourself that it brings me to tears and make me want to send you three years in the future when you’ll be closer to be the person you aim to be. But you’re also that person that doesn’t want to take any shortcut and that doesn’t want any help in her journey. You value the hardship of your endeavor more than the result you’re pursuing and that makes you such an ambitious and courageous woman that deserve unlimited praises and immense respect.

You have that voice inside that guides you on the right path despite all the traps and tricks that life set for you. That rationality that little can polish so much a that stage of their life and the prodigious ability to learn from your mistakes and from missteps at an amazing pace. You change, evolve, and grow faster than anyone of your generation that I know and you never stop looking for a way to improve yourself, every day of every week of every month of every year. And that alone gives you all the right to claim the best men around. But you stay the feet on the ground and humble even though you are a princess that any prince on the planet would take by their side eyes closed and any king would offer their kingdom on their knees.

I’ve seen who you are deep inside, your inner beauty and dark sides, and no matter what you say and think about yourself, there’s no doubt to me that you are that one girl in a million years that deserve the world on a golden platter. But you’re so perfect and so driven that you would refuse that offering and take the world for yourself with your own two hands. And that is the definitive proof that all the boys in the world would be immensely lucky to be favored by you.

So yes, I know it for sure girl, you will get everything that you desire.

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #12

March 12th 2020

First time I write in the morning, in the middle of the night in fact. First time I write out of emotions.

Note for myself: never read a personal email at night.

Oh well, I lost my sleep. Might as well put that time into use…

Your clean cut doesn’t come as a surprise. In a way, I looked for it with all this. You gave me the cues, I didn’t want to see them and went for the execution with a last swan song.

What you said the last time remains, that you don’t want to commit to a relationship for a few years, maybe until you work and be happy with yourself. Meaning that if I come to you like I said in a few years, with happiness and achievements on my back, it might be the right time then. But not now… Right person, wrong time, again. Or maybe not. Because then, it would be a compromise with yourself. Let me explain.

You were cute to make it all about you. Like every considerate person try to do in a break up. But the truth, I hope you realized it, and that will seem to be cliche and classic post-traumatic self-pitying, coming from the “victim”, the truth is that the problem was still me. Not your lack of desire to commit to something serious or your need to have some adventures and roller-coaster rides, but my inability to be the person you dream about.

The one in a million years…

Because if I was really a person like that, trust me, you wouldn’t let me go. I would tell that to anyone asking me about that reason for breaking up/pushing away: “I want to keep dating and experience more.” —> “You are not the one.”

That is just how it is my dear S. and that is ok. I hope you know it and won’t convince yourself that I would have been a perfect husband but you were not ready to start your last relationship because that would be lying to yourself. Just keep this in mind: I am a great guy but not fully what you are looking for.

Maybe you haven’t figure out yet what I was lacking, maybe you have and you spared me a disgraceful moment of truth that would have hurt me because you are fundamentally kind. But, no matter what it is now, you must keep in mind that I was not good enough and you’re aiming higher.

Well, isn’t obvious and totally understandable that you want to give yourself a chance, since you’re still young to meet someone better? I did that too at your age.

If I was extremely wealthy, with an amazing career and incredible goals, and a god-looking man, trust me you would not have let me go. Don’t deny it. It’s only natural. Everyone compromise with their dreams, admitted or not, at some point. But for you it’s too early. And with me making you so special here, giving you the proof that you are one in a million, more of a reason to believe that you deserves it. That one guy that possesses it all.

And I sincerely do hope that you will get him and that you won’t have to compromise and you will never look back thinking at me as the best man you ever met and regretting not staying with me, because that would be a mistake. You followed your dream, you followed your heart and you were right to do so.

I’m confident though that you will find someone that will make you truly happy and I will tell you why tomorrow…

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #11

March 11th 2020

My wishes got finally granted! You reached out to me. But not on purpose, no, by mistake! Your finger slept on the calling button while checking out my profile picture and here you were waking me up in the middle of the night. Best wake up call ever!

How ironic that despite all my efforts to push you to contact me, I needed the Universe’s help to obtain a word from you. Some would call this fate. Some, just a coincidence. But looking at how our nocturnal conversation kept us up all night, I would say it would have happened sooner or later.

Your concern about the nature of our feelings is totally understandable looking at the kind of decision you were ready to make. But even knowing that you won’t have to make that kind of important life decision, I wanted to share with you in a more explicit way the reasons why I am totally convinced that my feelings for you are not made up but real.

Like I said before, I believe true love, the long-lasting feeling that doesn’t fade with time, is not necessarily built over time. It’s not always the result of a deep knowledge of the other person, fruit of many seasons together, through good and bad times, but the combination of two realizations. The first is that the person possesses all the core values that are essential to us for a harmonious relationship to happen. The second is that the person “vibes” on the same frequency. Meaning, that there is chemistry, feeling, attraction, complicity, shared interests, identical views, compatible goals… total osmosis.

With the first realization, one will start to respect and admire the other person’s values and actions. One will resonate totally with the other person core and feel at ease at all times, confident, and safe. With the second, one will enter in a shared space of inexhaustible euphoria. In other words, what makes you smile every time you see the other even after 30 years of marriage. From day one to day 10 000 and further, that smile comes from the same exact realization, that the person next to you is YOUR person, and that you are ONE.

And for me, I don’t need a few months or a couple of years to reach those two realizations. It came to me in less than 10 days and I know that I’m not making things up. And the gaps that I will fill after months together, no matter how dark they result to be, I know already they won’t be able to change my feelings for you and how I know you are.

I love you for who you are and for how you are.

The rest are just details that no love story will ever mention and that my death bed memory won’t ever be able to remember.

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #10

March 10th 2020

The memory of you is fading slowly. I can’t remember your smell anymore. I can barely hear your voice in my head. The rhythm of your laugh that made me so happy and proud is losing its echos… only the image of your smile is still intact in my mind. And I’m terrified to lose it too. The inextricable dirty work of time is ravaging the last remnants of our days together and there’s nothing I can do to save us.

You wanted us to keep a perfect and untouched memory of our loved story on the shelf of our mind, but I’m afraid all we will keep is the carcass of an old and blurry souvenir. The idea of love purged from its substance. A far away dream, mysterious and immortal.

I always thought that this kind of fateful encounter should happen in the unexpected pages of a busy life. But twice now, I fell crazy in love after premeditated meetings. I lost my heart to Tinder girls. How ironic for a hopeless romantic like me to lose all composure and reason after such an artificial start. It’s like the world wants me to keep my feet on the ground. It tells me to not fly too high in that romantic sky, to not elevate my hopes to the moon, and not stare too much at the stars, or else I’ll get disappointed.

But, truly, it doesn’t matter where our story began, in the real worlds, at destiny’s hands, or in the virtual world, by the chaotic spins of a roulette of ones and zeros, what matters is what we are doing with the opportunity that has been given to us. Do we keep it a plain and bland Tinder’s story or do we transform it into something more, something unique, something that the children of our grandchildren will still tell as the unforgettable loving tale that started everything?

I’m asking you because I feel, and I sincerely hope I’m getting this wrong, that you are pushing me away with your silence. I’m asking you because if you don’t wish our story to continue like I do and if you wish to keep it a cute little romance that you will remember with a smile, it’s probably and sadly too late, since I went so much ahead and turn my baby-born feelings in grown-ups hopes and desires…

I really wish that my concerns will soon be dismissed and that your love will grow as much as mine…

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #9

March 09 2020

I’ve never been bored in my life.

Always had something to do, something to watch, something to learn… But since I met you, things are different. You had the ability to turn simple conversations into a palace of wonders and drag me into a never-ending marathon enlightened by a succession of wonderful discoveries and marvelous realizations. A deep dive into myself, guided by your curiosity. A critical look at society, handed over by my eagerness to please you.

Never before I had so many meaningful and powerful conversations in a row. Never before, I craved so much for something that trivial.

I know quite well that we didn’t invented anything. We didn’t revolutionize social studies or anthropology with our late chit-chat, we barely scratched the surface to be honest. But the way we did it: the pace of our exchanges, the rhythm of our sentences, the connection of our thoughts, that’s what made them unique and incredibly addictive. Our laughs and battles, our critics and approvals, everything was contributing to the birth of a new song that would resonate within us.

And after tasting such harmony, after experiencing meaningful quality-time, how to get back to normal activities? How to not find everything else boring and pointless? That’s what I’m feeling now every day. What I was finding interesting, entertaining or fun is now merely distracting. Like the time that passes differently depending on one’s mindset, activities feel differently when you open your eyes on what is really important and truly powerful.

The more I try to move away from the memories of you, the more the inanity of the things I do strike me hard. The further you go, the stronger you get into my heart.

Remember, you hold the power to extract my inner light. You are the reason I can shine.

Without you I’m just a mere candle lost in a dark labyrinth of hope.

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #8

March 08 2020

I’m starting to lose hope… So I rewatched Aladdin for the first time in almost 30 years…

And of course I couldn’t spare some tears. Especially when Aladdin talks about Jasmine:

“There’s this girl… she’s smart and fun and beautiful! She’s got these eyes that just… and these hair wow and her smile huuuuuuh”

And some more when the Genie says: “Al, you’re not going to find another girl like her in a million years.”

And finally when Aladdin says that without Jasmine, he’s just himself. Without her, he can’t prove his worth, he can’t shine like the true diamond that he is.

Before meeting Jasmine, Aladdin is just wondering around, living day by day, surviving with any dream or goal. But as soon as he met her, his life changed. He grew bolder, stronger, and more ambitious. But he never lost sight of what holds value in life. He kept his word to the genie and stayed true to himself. “Jasmine, I do love you, but I gotta stop pretending to be something I’m not.” That is the key of true love: the ability to stay true to oneself even within love.

I do respect your decision of staying away from me for the good of your carrier. But I have to stay true to myself and believe that we have a future together and that I should do everything that is within my power to save you from wasting one in a million years opportunity.

That is my way to prove my worth. These words of mine are the only ride I can now offer to you to see a whole new world. But they’re just a start of a dream that can come true. All we have to do is to believe in their magic and the path they might pave for us in a starry sky.

When you last let your heart decide? I know. That’s recently and it didn’t go well. And that’s also the reason you don’t want to let it decide again…

But what if I could prove it to you that together we would take over the world way faster than far apart? What if I could show you the power of a true partnership and we didn’t have to wait? Wouldn’t it be something that your reason should also choose?

The passionate and rational choice that leads to a happy ending?

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #7

March 7th 2020

An acquaintance, unaware of my recent passion for you, tried to hook me up with one of her girlfriends tonight. No need to say that my mind was not totally there and that I had no interest in playing along with that set up. I smoked shisha for the first time, and just for that new experience, the night out was not totally pointless. But I must admit it was not with an after taste of mild sadness that I tried something new. I wish we went to that smoky bar together and enjoyed the comfiness of those couches and the floating atmosphere in each other arms…

Think about it, we didn’t get to do much apart from talking. I loved how you pulled me in that darts place to have a game just before our diner with Peter. It was so spontaneous and exhilarating. A change of pace in a sweet afternoon that I will remember for long. But also quite a clue on how traveling together will turn… I know already that if we get to explore some exciting new places together one day, it will be the most entertaining and the most unpredictable trip I ever had. I can see ourselves getting lost in Casablanca’s New Medina, discovering old prohibition bars hidden in the alleys of New York City, and swimming to the cramps to reach deserted beaches in Pacific atolls.

Traveling together will never be boring and will never be silent. Even when we’ll take time for ourselves, I know my mind will rush around in search of our next adventure. You’ll give the tempo, I’ll organize the details. You’ll change the plans on the go, I’ll fix our schedules with a smile. I just love being surprised by your candid approach of life and your never ending positivity. There’s always something new to learn and something to discover. There’s always someone to ask and someone to listen.

Spending time with you made me realize how easy it is to stagnate in a comfortable life, and how pitiful it is to let yourself settle down like that. Life shouldn’t be anything close to a list of routines and chores. Life should be an ongoing adventure, full of surprises and meaningful milestones. Life should be perpetual growth and self-fulfillment.

A journey towards a better self.

And if that journey is shared with a kindred soul, life would acquire even further meaning…

What kind of great journey would it be without true love anyway!

And even though you haven’t granted me the cue of your shared feelings as I was hoping for yesterday, I remain convinced that one day, when we’ll get reunited, it will be the official start of our grand story.

And that day, will surely be the happiest day of my life.

#whatyoudeserve

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #6

March 6th 2020

Am I going too far with this? Would you scold me if you were aware of my letters? Today is a day of doubt. I couldn’t resist to cryptically and indirectly send you a message on how much I miss you. And at first, I thought it was enough and maybe you would react to it, finding it cute since I used one of your photos. But then, I went further and added a clue directing you to these letters I’m writing. A pretty obvious one that is. And all you need to do is to actually want to jump into the rabbit hole to discover how crazy I am about you.

And now, I’m not completely sure it’s a good thing…

I think all I wanted is to hear from you. To be reassured in a way that my feelings were shared and that was not me making, one more time, a fool of myself by going too far. By giving my whole to someone who already decided my fate. It’s scares me, and not just a bit, to possibly do the same mistake again and to suffer from my ingenuity once more.

But what else can I do?! I can’t suppress those feelings and I can’t stop myself for turning our taste of a love story in the grand epic we both dreaming about. And stories, true love stories, that are worth a 1000 pages of tears and smiles, of laughs and cries, those stories aren’t born from the silence of two souls apart.

So, yes, I am terrified that you find my endeavor exaggerated, crucified to the thought that you could vehemently reject my work of love as an heresy, and annihilated by the idea of a banishment from your life… But those fears are nothing compared to the regret I would feel forever if I wouldn’t embrace my rising feelings to the fullest and dedicate myself to the only thing that really matters to me now: giving to our beautiful prologue the intensity and melodrama of a life changing classic.

Therefore, despite my reluctancy to the betrayal, I broke my word and in a way reached out to you. There’s a chance that you won’t see, won’t give much thought, or won’t care about my crafted message. Which would result in a few days of tremendous doubts on my side but might save me from facing right away the shame of my selfishness. But since I have no intention of ever hide anything from you, I confess my wrong-doing here and admit my fault. It might be still time to undo my attempt to make you say a few words to me and thus, cancel my temptation.

But the truth is, I’m ready to take the blame, I’m ready to risk condemnation if it allows me to hear from you sooner than anticipated. That’s just how much I miss you. And how much I’m willing to sacrifice in order to stay closer to you. I know it’s pure insanity. Willing to give up on everything I value and everything I cherish for one little bandaid on my heart.

But that is how love is sometimes…

Crazy and irrational.

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #5

March 5th 2020

Today, it’s been a week since we last talked. Since we said goodbye… until who knows when. A necessary decision for you to make your professional life move forward. An extremely suffered one for me who, after a few days, just realized how insane it would be to let you go for good. Because that’s what we promised right: to not wait for each other, to seek happiness regardless of the other, because we know how unpredictable a few years separated can be.

After a week without you in my life except in my thoughts, I’ve already surrendered. I won’t break my promise to not reach out to you but I can’t let myself move on. Time will tell if my feelings are true. If my melancholy is for the long haul or just some delusional nostalgia. I know you wouldn’t let yourself go to such pathetic romanticism. You have clear objectives and numerous goals to achieve them that will prevent you to look back.

And that is one of the main reason I fell in love with you.

Because you wouldn’t let yourself totally fall for me. You wouldn’t do so until you are the person you want to be and until I am the person you would like me to be. And you know now that you can be loved like you’ve been dreaming about it all your life. That you are worth such a genuine and selfless love and that, if it’s not with me, you will find that love somewhere else, with someone else. That’s why I can love you so much. Because you reached the same conclusions as I did. You follow my rational footsteps and understand, despite your younger age, that some people are meant to be loved in a certain way and some don’t.

And you are the gemstone that everyone seeks but very few can find. You are that unique mind that embraces life fully and nullify any ray of darkness. You’re the shining star of your life story and no matter how long you will walk alone on your path, you know that someone worthy will show up to hold your hand and walk with you.

I’ve heard that newly acquired certitude in your voice last time we spoke and it makes me happy that you’ll be able to fulfill your dreams without any second thought. You deserve that peace of mind. You deserve to know that love will come, no matter how long you’ll make it wait.

I love you because you were able to learn and evolve so fast in front of my eyes and because even though everyone would tell you how wonderful of a person you are, you are still genuinely keeping your feet on the ground and honestly repeating that you have way to go before becoming a beautiful swan. How innocent!

Modesty at its purest!

For me though, you are already a wonderful petit papillon.

And after a week without you, I feel that you’ve already flown so high in front of the sun, that I can’t see you and reach you anymore.

Makes me sad and happy at the same time.

But it surely doesn't mean that I won’t try to catch up to you…

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #4

March 4th 2020

Today my flight to Seoul mid-March has been canceled because of the Coronavirus. So I’ll need to go somewhere else, probably the Philippines. And I really wanted to send you a message and ask you to join me in the Philippines for a week or two. I was that close to break my promise to leave you alone. That close to break my vow to stay away from you as you requested. That would have be so selfish and childish.

I always been the type of person who, when they want something, they want it immediately. They hate to wait. Like a kid. And like the kid that I still am: I want you now. And it requires all my will to keep my word and stay away. But that should tell you how much that promise is hard to keep for me. And how valuable it will be if I manage to stick to my word and come back to you when we’re ready.

But it also means I won’t be able to see you and talk to you for a long time. And that idea alone takes a great toll on me. It’s like knowing where the greatest treasure in the world is but being forbidden to reach it. You know it’s out there. You know you might get it one day. But you must wait. You must be worth it.

So, I must be a greedy selfish bastard to think that I could just board into your life, kidnap you from your duties and plunder your heart until I’ll become your pole star… I want to be with you so badly that I don’t mind becoming a pirate for a bit. Because, I am convinced that it would be for the better in the end. That the looting would be painless and righteous.

Or would it be?

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #3

March 3rd 2020

How much of the feelings I have for you are real and how much is made up by my desire of true love? Do I unconsciously aggravate my sadness? Do I elevate my love for you on standards I never actually reached? Or did my feelings develop even more after you left BECAUSE of your absence?

How much of the love we feel is true and how much is made up?

How can we see the difference between an illusion of love, the dream of the story we desire, and the actual thing? I always thought and said that the initial passion, the one that fades with time, the one that disappears with the first bushfires and skirmishes, is not true love. People say love is changing with time. I just say love never been there. Couples are just too hasty and too eager to proclaim their love. They’re often mistaking the excitement of the novelty and the warmth comfort of a rare intimacy for true feelings. Sliding then slowly towards cute attachment and tender melancholy.

But that is not true love. And that is not what we share.

I truly believe this: my love for you is real. My love for you is not made of illusions, chimeras and oasis but of careful observations, meticulous analysis and incredible discoveries. I didn't fall in love with you because of the feelings I had when I was with you, or because what you made me feel like whenever you would whisper in my ear or massage my neck, or because of all the other little things in you that made me feel comfortable, joyful, positive and confident. No, I fell in love you because of who you are.

It usually takes time to discover who a person really is. Their core values. Their true nature. Their hidden glow or darkness. It’s true, it should take time to really fall in love. To know someone to their core and just love what and who they are. Their unique being. Unique way of seeing and interacting with the world. Of being themselves. But since the beginning, we’ve both being very honest with each other. We’ve opened up fast. We’ve talked about what matters. We’ve shown ourselves like we probably never did with anyone else in such a short time before.

We really gave the keys of our inner castle to the other and let us explore it freely.

That’s why I could see who you are and you could see who I am deep down. My good sides and my bad sides. Your good sides and your bad sides. There to be embraced fully.

Sure, we didn’t explore each other completely yet and our domains are subject to metamorphosis of course. But the foundations, the bricks that keep our fortresses together, those we’ve seen, those won’t change.

And those are the ones I fell in love with.

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #2

March 2nd 2020

It’s way more difficult than I thought it would be… To stay away. To keep quiet. To try to forget and move on. The opposite is happening and it doesn’t make any sense. I miss you of course. I miss you like people miss their mom when they first go to school. I miss your embrace, your warmth, your breath on my neck. But what I miss the most is our conversations.

Those never ending talks that kept us awake every night. And your laugh. Pure happiness. Tangible proof that our connection was real. Genuine. Simple but deep. I miss talking to you like I never miss anything else before. Like a vital need that you’ve been deprived for so long. How? Why? What made those conversations so powerful. What turned them into such an irreplaceable thing?

At first, I thought it was self-contentment and intellectual narcissism. Me, enjoying too much my impromptu trains of thought and elegant soliloquies when answering to your curious inquiries. But then I realized, that the only reason I could mature such answers, I could create such thoughts were because of you. The only reason I could add witty comments and mischievous puns were because of you.

You were my inspiration. My creative stimulant and my guide towards heights I never reached before. My muse. The spark that lit the fire of my creative mind. And the only person, that would succeed in doing so again and again and again. Saying that I need you would be selfish and self-centered. But saying I didn’t enjoy that elevated state would be a lie. I do miss that omnipotent feeling, but I miss it only because I was that way with and only for you.

My words, my creations, my jokes even, are inspired and fueled by your presence and are meant only for you. They wouldn’t work outside our bubble. They wouldn’t be magical and full of sense in someone else’s ears. You are the origin and the receptacle of those moments of enlightenment and no other could ever grasp their true meaning.

Without you my words are empty.

Without you I am empty.

[whatyoudeserveforever]

What You Deserve #1

March 1st 2020

Ten days. Ten days, that’s all we had. But that’s more than I needed to fall in love with you. And now that you left me behind, now that I promised to let you follow your chosen path without meddling with your dreams, all I have left is the memory of our story and hopes for the future.

I promised I wouldn’t interfere. I said I would not contact you until I’m happy with myself, fulfilled, and ready to seek you out and make you mine for the rest of our lives. But I didn’t promise I wouldn’t wait for that moment to happen. And I certainly didn’t promise I would seize to love you. I know you didn’t want me to wait, you didn’t want to be the selfish person that puts her carrier first for a few years, who puts her heart on hold, and ask the other to be patient… But, it’s not your choice to make. You don’t have to ask me to wait. If my heart belongs to you, it won’t falter and wait for you until you’re ready to finally give yourself to me.

But love is weak against time. Like I said the other day in our last conversation, love is a fire that needs to be fueled continuously. Love requires commitment to survive. But not the commitment that shackles someone to his own words, but the kind of commitment that one’s soul unconsciously engraves in himself.

Naturally, unconditionally.

A consistent selfless act of love, that is what you deserve.

That is why, I decided on this day and until the day we meet again, to write to you every single night. Write my heart down so the fire of my love for you would never fade. Write my life down so you can guide me on the right path…

A day will come you’ll read this with tears in your eyes and the breath-taking smile I fell in love with on your face, and that day you’ll know that my love for you was not an illusion or a blurry remembrance of a long gone past, but true love.

A true love that still awaits for you right now.