Im Lost tbh

Figuring out where I am and where I want to be...

[whereamme-blog]

When It Rains, It Pours

4 February, 2019

Being unemployed has been... relaxing. Melancholy and even depression sneak in once and awhile, anxiety says hello, but for the most part it has made saving money and working at a job I don’t care for all that time worth it. I’ve taken steps toward different opportunities, made time for family, spent the holidays with the people I should.

My mother moved closer to me so we’ve been hanging out more. She gets lonely now that my brother moved away. I miss him a lot. Didn’t get to see him before he left. Hopefully I can plan a trip soon. Finally get out of the state for awhile.

My old job called me and offered me a part time position. As long as I’m going back in my own terms instead of feeling trapped it’ll be a breeze. No more graveyard. Rent is cheap, money is saved, support systems at a higher level. I’ll be ok.

Now what do I do with this free time? What have I been doing? Not much, which is soooo nice. But it’s time to kick into gear. Working out? Art? Stand up? A dog? Business? A girlfriend? Casual Sex? Clubs? Groups? Podcasts? Videos? School? Rapping? Singing? Travel? A combination of some or even all of those things? We shall see. I’ve been doing bits of most of those. So, things will work out. They always seems to.

[whereamme-blog]

Sometimes I get the feelin'

That I might be with you tomorrow

[losangeleslovesyou]

SEAN ROWE : I’LL FOLLOW YOUR TRAIL

[whereamme-blog]

A Week Left

14-11-19

I’m sitting in a storage room hiding. A week from now will be my last day at this job. I’m heading into the great unknown. But I’ve been here before. Probably too many times.

I got a new job. Part time. Pays less. But I saved up for a couple of months just to quit. This new job is a throw away, additive. I’m going to treat it that way too. I’ll do what I need to and such but in my mind I know it isn’t the end all be all of a career. I won’t get stuck there like I feel like here.

A couple months ago I made a WWOOF account. I’m thinking of vacations to farms and such if things work out. If they don’t work out I’ll try long term stays at farms.

Anyways. . . I’m nervous. But I know it’s time to take better care of myself. I’ll have downtime I need to fill. Eating better, cooking, cleaning, friends, art, family, business, self care. Maybe a romantic relationship? ? ?

Speaking of which, my isolation period was HELL. I mean. It worked out. I grew. But fuck was I a lonely bitch. At least I was isolated on my own terms.

Oh what about volunteering? School? Classes? Tradeschool?

I need a planner. A good one. Perfect for 2019. Holy shit. 2019.

[whereamme-blog]

[whereamme-blog]

Well, Shit.

13/11/2018

Looking back at the past posts was weird. I agree with most of it. All that deep stuff helped me grow and bit. I was definitely looking for something within myself and the outer world I was able to experience. Unfortunately, not much is changed up to this point.

I snapped the comfortable branch I’ve been perched on for so long. Now I’ll have to FLY. We’ll see how that works out.

On another note, cuffing season is in full swing. Even my roommate has an argumentative girlfriend he can do stuff with. Something about the thought of being around someone else in a domestic way at this moment is unappealing to me. As much as I would love a cute someone to adore when I’m at my lonelinest (busting missions, late night binge watching, cleaning my room) I don’t want to get to know another person at this point.

I say that now but we all know I have my weaknesses for mean artsy chicks that want nothing more than to be spoiled have better eyelashes than me.

[gardensofgrace]

Visit Original Link

Rain Dance | Valerie June

[whereamme-blog]

28 June, 2018

Fighting these turning points in my life and staying in the same spots isn't working out for me. Fighting these new radical me's that keep popping up wanting change, wanting more or just different isn't working. What am I afraid of? I need to trust myself. Change isn't bad as long as it comes from growth.

Changes seem to happen abruptly in ways that I don't have full control of or I'm not expecting. Family issues, lovers lost, jobs.

These radical me's keep rearing their heads telling me I need to do more, do different. Everytime my values shift they take that opportunity to sneak in and make me uneasy about my current situations. Problems is, I don't let them stay long or make much room for them to work their magic like I know they can. I'm capable of so much more, of different.

My friends, my family, my lovers have all been too complacent about their current surroundings which only made them more insecure. My search for the radical them's have come up null. Sometimes that search in others bites me in the ass reminding me I need to be that radical person for myself and possibly them.

It's seems like pressure, but I'm trying to look at this feeling another way. Maybe like a hug, a massage, or sex. Without the pressure it doesn't seem as passionate or healing. It's not bad pressure. I'm not crumbling under the weight of debt, family, career, love. This pressure is the best pressure. I have to realize that...now. . .

Anyways, I had to stop Mt. Rubidoux, but I'm not too bummed about it. 20 days straight is still great to me. I have to figure out my next 30 day habits soon, but In the mean time I've been trying to occupy myself with friends, family, food and a puzzle I've been working on for a couple days.

I deactivated my Instagram. My Facebook has been deactivated. Tinder kicked me off for just wanting friends. It's a sign. I might be isolating myself. People know my number, where I live, etc...

[whereamme-blog]

21 June, 2018

After yesterday I'm feeling like quitting Mt Rubidoux. After I went up around 11:30AM and got to work I felt physically horrible. My back was killing me, and my stomach hurt and I got an alert on my phone that the air quality in Riverside got worse. The warning said to abstain from physical activity and take more breaks.

I haven't felt fatigued or body pain since I started. Maybe I've hit a wall. Or maybe it was just yesterday that messed me up.

I'm starting to think that 20 days in a row is enough commitment. I wanted something to commit to other than work where I didn't have to spend any money. I did it for 20 days straight, maybe it's time to move on to the next thing.

I do feel physically better. Not all the way though. We'll see how I feel after work tonight.

Mentally I feel as though I'm free falling. I have nothing to grab onto. What's motivating me to take any positive steps in my life and to keep going? And where to?

[whereamme-blog]

19 June, 2018

I'm 19 days in, 18 trips up Mt. Rubidoux. I missed a day because of an unexpected 12 hour shift at work, but I'll make it up before my 30 days.

There are a lot of people up here for a Tuesday evening. It just turned 20:30 and I'm leaning luxuriously on a rock at the top of the hill.

Time management and the physical aspect hasn't been much of an issue. I figured I'd be more stressed out than I have been when it came to time and physicality. Mornings, Noons, Nights, I come when I can. The paved road or the dirt and rock trails, they're all fun, easy. It's nothing for me to walk up anymore. So, I run at some points. Especially there. I don't have a favorite time or area of the hill yet. All of it is beautiful, peaceful.

Is has been a mental challenge. The most difficult part of all of this is being alone while doing it. With the exception of once with my roommate, I've come up here by myself every time.

Last night was especially hard. I'm not sure why. I went to a really dark place. Isolation was heavily on my mind. Love loss. Disappointment. Misanthrope. I'll write about it more later, but fuck it was hard to deal with.

11 MORE DAYS!!!

[whereamme-blog]

10 June, 2018 Sunday

I've always craved friends. All types. People to bust missions with, do art, business, chill. People to enjoy and them enjoy me.

Yesterday I had a realization after a long fun day of bus rides, punk shows, grenades, hikes, and art: I'm that person I've been wanting. I knew people at the festival I went to, and that's always nice to know people around you, but I was alone in most of what I was enjoying doing.

I love wondering around. I love crowds. I love busting missions places. I love moshing.i love art. I love talking to myself. I love observing people, places, the world around me in my own way.

I've always wanted friends, and still do, but I'm realizing that I'm my own finest friend. I can't continue to put that on other people. As long as I continue to enjoy myself And learning how exactly to do so I won't be isolated and loneliness won't debilitate me.

[whereamme-blog]

04 June, 2018

Time to be less somber! I took the train to downtown LA yesterday. It was cool. I usually walk around by myself and check out a few spots. I walked a little over 12 miles altogether. Got home and walked another 5 or so after going to Rubidoux later in the evening.

I’ve been thinking a lot about loneliness and such. I get lonely. But mostly I get bored. If I would’ve found a cool spot where I could just sit and draw while listening to music I would’ve been fine for hours. Or if I had friends to show me around the different buildings and spots I don’t know about. I need to plan better going places. Maybe Saturday.

[whereamme-blog]

03 June, 2018

Usually when people give up on something like love and romance it always seems like their waiting for something to change their minds, rather than actually giving up. Maybe that's what I'm doing.

At this point in my life, almost 29, almost 30, I've spent a lot of time worrying about my future love, romantic, sex, family life. Those have always been on the forefront of who I believed I was. That future me that's able to solve all the problems with my clan. Problem is, when you invest in those values you're relying on other people to help you fulfill expectation you might have from them and yourself. I know I have.

Much thought has been put into this. Giving up on everything under the umbrella of love and romance isn't going to be easy. I still believe in love. I still like sex and that cutest romantic stuff. It's so fun and nice while it lasts. But it isn't for me in the long run.

[whereamme-blog]

For 30 days starting June 1 every day I'm going to hike/walk up Mount Rubidoux.

I've been wanting to do 30 day challenges to see how committed I can be to certain things. And create new habits for myself.

So far most of the people that I have told about the 30 day hike/walk up Mount Rubidoux have said at some point they want to do it with me. Which gives me hope and motivation. But I'm gonna do it with or without them. I'm not sure if I'm doing it for fitness yet but I'm definitely doing it to get out of the house and have something to commit to every day besides work.

[whereamme-blog]

28 May, 2018

Decisions have been made. Hopefully I can come out alive on the other side of these new habits. The goal is to grow, but you know.

I can’t keep worrying about my future when it comes to friends and love. I can love myself and in doing so I’ll attract the people that want to be around. I have to stop being afraid of being alone just because I miss certain people or want certain people in my life. If they wanted to be around they would. I’m open. I’m here. My goal is to realize that in the most clear way while also bringing to light what/who this new me wants to be around and have in my life.

[whereamme-blog]

24 May, 2018

I’ve been going up this hill around 5 am. Not much contemplating has been getting done as there should be on my part. Maybe I’m going up as a distraction.

Starting next week, everyday for 30 days I’m going to go up this hill to take time to think to myself in the open air. Think about where I’m at, where I’m on my way to and where I want to be.