An email I’ll never send -
I don't need any more apologies in response to this. You don't even need to answer.
See this photo below. Every day I wake up to this. There was always a little hope in my prayer.
Tonight it’s time for me to pack this in a box and put this away. But thank you for letting me know what's in store for me and how much you will continue to break me. Thank you for letting me go. Whatever it is that made you cold, I hope someday will heal you.
In my grief, I came across this -
https://www.facebook.com/dharmannofficial/videos/352152885717725/UzpfSTU4MzM5NTIwMDoxMDE2MjExNTEwNTIyMDIwMQ/.
While our story differs you've done so much to compare me subconsciously and put me down and jumped to many conclusions yourself about me just like I did to you. You have been unfaithful and disloyal. But I am grateful.
The end of this video showed me that those who abandon you when things are bad were never there for you to begin with. When you pushed me into a job just so I can contribute more to the home, I did.
When I left work at 11 pm and midnight and was overworked with little pay and was exhausted plus had 2 other full-time jobs and a few others plus my micro master's course I still went through it all for us and our future.
I never shirked even when I got frustrated and complained. I never cheated emotionally or physically. I was loyal no matter how depressed you got or what you said to me or did to me.
Thank you for walking away and leaving me in pieces. Thank you for not believing in my career and study goals and asking me time and time again to just settle for whatever.
Thank you for choosing cricket today and outing last night and every day you chose to use your coldness as a reason to stay away from me or not talk to me even if we fight. That 45+ minutes on the phone because you were heading out was too much. Your own words and actions are clear. Yes, you called this week but it really wasn't to do anything but to nurture your ego knowing your feelings for me left two years ago.
Thank you for going to bed while I was awake working another job or crying after all the mean things you said. Thank you for abandoning me many times and telling me I'm too much or falling asleep on me, refusing to touch me and finding faults with my body and personality. Thank you for watching me spend most of what little I earned to make you comfortable. Thank you for never booking a little trip in our country for us to go somewhere. Never taking me anywhere unless I asked.
Thank you for telling me all you have about who I am even when I loved you and was so willing to compromise. For all, you've done today and in the past shapes my now and future.
I thank you for that. I thank your dad for all he said today. I am grateful.
Thank you for the apologies you say but never mean.
I have so much to return to you. In my anger, I couldn’t truly let go and I’m sorry. For me to never take responsibility for anything would mean there's been no growth. That I am no longer self-aware. That I am not being honest. My anger, hurt and your betrayal got the better of me but I will move forward.
Your keys are somewhere on the couch. I don’t have them. The bank book will be untouched. You can uplift from my security this week. The money I gave to the woman and her child today just somehow gives me hope. I don't need anything else from you. I have managed without you on a small salary. I have slept on a floor, an uncomfortable couch, not eaten for days and broke down in tears in public places. I've had people talk about your betrayal to me and not cry except in washrooms and my car. Despite your insults and abandonment, I too have adapted. Life has forced me to through you.
I don't expect to hear from you. I expect to cry Monday and in Court. This is a hard decision.
My father cried tonight and that broke my heart but I said in everything, give thanks.
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