Whining and Wine

Snipets of my life and good glasses of wine.

[whiningandwine]

After a Small Break

Honestly, I feel like every single one of these posts is going to be started with "Honestly". I also feel as though there has been no improvement since my last post. There was improvement for a smidge of time but that has come to a screeching halt of a stop. Like The Hot Mess Express has ripped the fucking breaks and broken the damn handle while they were at it. Which, in my opinion is bullshit. Absolute and utter bullshit.

I had checked myself in after quitting my job, ending my marriage and falling in love with my best friend. I got the help I was looking for and things were going totally swimmingly, I was stable, I was feeling like I used to, I was happy and not suicidal and not cutting myself and not bumping elbows with a bunch of drug dealers on Park St. I was good again. Currently, I feel dead all over again. I feel like the only way I am able to breathe is when I have a shot or a glass of wine in my hand. It relaxes me, it helps me breathe it makes me feel like a normal human being...Which is not good. Which has never been good. I hate feeling like this, I have always hated feeling like this.

The meds ran out. The best friend that I had fallen in love with decided that I was too much work or I wasn't enough of something or whatever and is now dating someone who looks like a shorter, trashier version of me. They've already broken up once and gotten back together. After he bragged about how much he was going to take care of me, after he told me how long he has been waiting for me and now that he actually had me he was never letting me go and he was going to show everyone how easy I really was to take care of. Left without even telling me he was going to do it, he just stopped coming around and stopped responding. And it broke me into a million little bits. Did I mention that am also in this odd arrangement with my husband - who was soon to be my ex husband- that we are like this weird sugar baby/ sugar daddy relationship and now I'm seeing where it goes because he was clean for the first time in years and I was happy with him all over again? - Until today. Today I found needles and capsules and baggies that he swears are old - just like always. Like I'm fucking crazy and I don't know the signs and I didn't spend more time watching him and taking care of him an seeing the signs so I could learn everything there was to learn so that I could always tell when it was happening again so he wouldn't die.

The only winning factor is that I don't want to die this time. I will simply end his life instead of taking mine. I have allowed him to me around the last few people who like me and one of them just happened to turn a very mermaid themed 2 years old on the 28th of this month and I will absolutely put hands on him, take the charges and star on a new years episode of snapped over allowing that to start happening around another tiny human that I love.

Oh, I suppose another winning point is I'm also not cutting myself again - yet - let's see if we can keep that one going. That would be nice, I don't want to have to hide my arms again - I'm such a slow healer.

Now, off to a quick topic change. The one thing I keep thinking to myself is "You can dish it but you can't take it." I have this friend who has been going through it and it's cool for her to ignore me when I speak to her - basically all day long - to the point that other people notice but I am having an off day, as previously stated in all of the above and I don't want to talk and I'm the bad guy because I've been giving her the cold shoulder all day long and every single time she tries to speak to me 'you just ignore me and give me one word answers. why do I feel like you're mad at me dude.' I just don't understand where people get off.

Happy news years eve right? I cannot wait to go to sleep and wake up to a hopefully better incoming year because I have to be honest. I am not sure I'm going to make it through another year like this one. I feel like I'm falling apart and losing my mind and losing myself and shriveling up and drowning all at the same time. I miss my people but I don't think I've ever felt so alone around people that like me. I just don't get it anymore. And to be quite frank, I do not have the energy to try and figure it out. I'm unsure if I will ever have the energy again.

Not that this post follows any sort of path or line of thinking other than 'Whining' but this is all I have for y’all, not that anyone really reads this anyhow. But this is all I’ve got. 

Thank you for coming to tonights whine. Brought to you by tonight’s wine: Giant Sky Marlborough, Sauvignon Blanc. 

Hot Mess Express signing off. Hopefully we can get these brakes fixed and were back up and running by the next time we chat. 

[whiningandwine]

Where Do I Begin?

It has been a long while since I have had any real interest in writing, but the feeling hit me tonight so here I find myself. I don’t care if no one or a million people read this I just felt like this would be the place my life would be the least judged. Or at least judged the way I judge - not that that makes me sound like a very good person I suppose...But at least it’s the truth.

Normally, I handle my stresses very well. But lately? Honestly, I am not sure how I can even consider myself a functioning human being at this point. Where to I begin with the list of stresses? Should we start at the fact that I married the love of my life but due to the fact that we are both stubborn and dramatic and we cope differently our marriage has been a mess from day 6? - I wish I was kidding, but quite literally the 6th day we got married. It’s been a clusterfuck of almost 2 years but we love each other with all of us so we’re trying to fix us. Or the fact that my dad just recently passed away? My best friend died and Frankly Scarlet? - many of you have no clue what they is in reference to but my dad and I used to say it to each other all the time. It’s from Gone with the Wind. Anyway, he just passed and I am really struggling to cope without him, I really have no idea what to do with myself. I am not crying as much as I thought I would but I am still never really happy and when I am I just want to tell him and then the sadness hits all over again.

 Or would could start with the fact that the week my dad died I lost my best friend of over a decade because I had my suspicions that she was stealing things from my me the week he died. Along with the fact that quite a few people mentioned that she seemed super out of it and odd at the services - not to mention smelling of booze. We have not spoken in almost 3 months and she does not seem to miss me at all; and in a way I don’t miss her either. Which part of that is more sad to think about?

We could also add onto the list that a family friend of mine has pushed her dramatics to a new limit (She is 17) and came for my husband in a way I did not find appropriate and so I clapped back and she then tried to hurt herself but instead told everyone I told her to kill herself. So I have lost her and her mother and her father because she throws fits until she gets what she wants - which in the end is not a total loss I suppose. So I lost them but got to keep the older sister, who was always my favorite anyway.

And finally as all of these things are happening I start a new job - which is a silver lining and amazing escape from everything else - and was informed the Friday before thanksgiving that my landlord has decided she is not going to be extending our lease - which is up December 31st - and we need to find a new place to live before then. No if’s and’s or buts.

I am not sure which one of these things I should talk about first. What I do know is I am getting closer and closer to losing my mind and I don’t know if that’s a good thing and maybe I need to lose my mind a little bit before my life can get back in order or if this is going to go very very badly.

Thank you for coming to tonight whine. Brought to you by tonight’s wine: The Little Penguin Cabernet Sauvignon

All aboard the Hot Mess Express. Final Destination: Me.