Complaining love fool

Once upon a time there was such a thing as a private diary, a book full of pages describing heartache, happiness, fear and loathing. Each page carefully detailing and questioning reason, feelings and intentions. Today we have Facebook, we strive to get as many likes as possible. Even in our travels around the world, we see it through the eye of a camera, only to then look at it through the computer/phone screen. Our heads are turned downwards most of time.. Ask yourself, when was the last time you looked up to see the stars, or smile at the person walking past you for no other reason that you just feel like it? How do we even connect with people in this day and age? Tinder, yes! You can even find a new friend group there.. Matchmaker.com - that's indeed where you'll find your one and only. I'd like to think that some of you here still remember how it is to meet someone in real life, and feel that instant connection, whether that is friendship, lust or love. As I travel through all aspects of life, I will use this blog as my venting space, my space for all my confusion and wonder, love, laughter and frustration. If you feel like taking that journey with me, read the pages of my so-called diary, then here it is.

[whiningweezer]

Just lovers for the weekend

One night you tell me your life story, your dreams, about your broken heart and we make love.

The next day we’re strangers again.

One week you profess your love, I should meet your parents, non-stop calls and together all the time.

The next week we hate each other.

For one month you made me lose myself as I got lost in you.

The next month I was so lost I couldn’t find the real me again.

A year you gave me.. But what did you give me?

Broken dreams, fake promises and tears.

A year later I am full of hope, promises to myself instead and finally smiling again.

[whiningweezer]

Moon-struck

I dreamed you bewitched me into bed

And moon-struck, you kissed me quite insane.

My mind has shattered,

All the things I thought mattered

Now I feel numb.

Smitten by the storm, what have I become?

I dreamed you bewitched me into bed

Wild, untamed and so utterly misled.

Indeed, you kissed me quite insane,

I am forever stuck in your stormy domain.

[whiningweezer]

Sad realisations

I am tired

Tired of pretending

Of being sweet and polite, and tired of waiting.

Yet I still fall back so easily into this routine

Again and again.

So, here I sit, listening to the rain

A head full and heart full of memories

Of things that’ll never be,

Because some never even were to begin with.

[whiningweezer]

Whilst studying 'Playing With Words' at USC I had the wonderful opportunity to broaden my writing styles and learn just how important le mot juste is to bring new life to any story or poem

[idktorn]

[whiningweezer]

Lately I've been slutting around.. Started because of pain, the one who made my heart beat a bit faster and leave me short of breath picked another. I thought, well fuck you, I'll fuck my way through this, only to find it got easier. The first guy could've been his twin, same looks, age and name. The second was nothing like his tinder profile, third a sweet liar and the fourth was yet another with the same name. You'd think this constant reminder of his name would be hard to deal with, and yes, it certainly has been. But yeah, it's funny what amazing sex can cure.. Even if it doesn't cure a broken heart as such, you have your brains fucked out and it's a good little rest, a nice piece of bliss to just focus on pleasure, and before you know it you've forgotten how good he was. Or what do you think?

[just-shower-thoughts]

School is no longer about learning; it’s about passing

[whiningweezer]

The sad truth!

[whiningweezer]

Can't sleep.. Brain is going non-stop and can't sort it out. You see, in the heat of the moment I may say yeah, no big deal, but it's in the dark, lonely hours before sleep has digged in the claws that I really take in what was said. The self doubt becomes overwhelming, and clearly, the little voice that normally tells me it's all good, has fallen asleep already. So here I am, burning with questions, thoughts and feelings that I can find no relief for.

[whiningweezer]

Do guys ever wonder how their cum taste like?? Here I am frothing on pineapple?!

[whiningweezer]

I have had this reoccurring dream, or nightmare rather, since I was about 5 or 6. It takes place In my day care, the male who looked after us all takes me upstairs, which was the play area, but we weren't allowed to be up there if the weather was good, so I thought maybe I'd done something wrong.. Anyway, we come up the stairs and all the lights are off, except for a few flashlights glowing on faces of the other kids, but they weren't really there. The man takes off his pants, and tells me to take off my clothes cause it was dirty. He, very lightly, touches me and I get goosebumps, and all of a sudden I get this feeling.. There's something off about this. He wants me to touch him in that place, and I don't want to, but he makes some kind of threat, and then I have to put it in my mouth. I feel the hot tears running down my cheeks as I'm being told I'm a good girl. All of a sudden, the faces in the lights move and they get closer and closer and that's when I wake up. Now, facts ; I know I got taken out of that day care earlier because of something dodgy, but I don't know why. I don't remember this every happening. For years and years I had a real problem with blow jobs, or even having a penis near my face, but I sort of just learned to deal as previous partners really wanted it. To this day, I still have this nightmare.. I sometimes wonder if some part of it could be real.. But then again, how would that affect me if it was? Is it something I should try to find out about? Or is it just a really fucked up dream that actually means something else? Or means nothing at all..?

[whiningweezer]

One night's encounter - Douchebag Jerry Last year I went to a friends party, he just moved into this new place with a large backyard so everyone were to sit outside, near a bonfire, smoke weed and get drunk. They was one boy there, and yes, I'll call him a boy as he was quite younger than me ; 21, and I was 27. We started talking, conversation flowing very well in fact, and he was good looking, alcohol kicks in, bonfire next to us, everyone has gone to bed... Yes, it was a rather perfect opportunity! We started kissing, next thing my pants are off and his eating me out, doing a great job of it too! We have loud sex next to the fire, with only the stars as our witnesses. Now, this would've been a nice little story if it had just been left here.. But nah, Jerry was hooked, he wanted to see me again. He was sweet, extremely talented with his fingers, so thought why not. Two months later of fucktonnes of writing, cancelled dates and excuses, it's becoming clear this won't go anywhere. I've gotten to know him, actually started liking him, and now this? I told myself to have patience, so I waited, but all I got in return was silence and ' I'm so sorry, I know I'm being asshole '. He said he was dealing with depression etc, so you know, fair enough, I bought it. After a month of not hearing anything I assume whatever it was was dead, so I forget about him. Now, this year in March, I get a text from Jerry. He wants a chance to say sorry - 6 MONTHS LATER MATE?!? for the sake of being a nice person, and being curious, I said alright. He invited me out for coffee, cancels on the day, and next time too. Third and last chance, as we were talking me feeling slightly emotional, that time of the month sort of thing comes up, and he's like: What?? You have your period?? (let me just say again, this was just supposed to be a coffee) He then said, I know I'm gonna sound like a complete asshole, but I don't want to meet now, I can't deal with girls on their period, they are so emotional and can't be fucked dealing with that. Obviously, it turned into a fight where I essentially thanked him for showing me a second time what a douchebag he is, and what a waste of my time he was. So fuck you Jerry!

[11anothergirl11]

I promised myself I would never fall in love with you.But it was 4am, and we were laughing way to hard,and I felt happy for the first time in a long time,and I knew I was screwed.

(via mydemisee)

Oh I tried not to. But you were the first person I could myself with in a very long time. And just like that.. I was smitten.

[just-shower-thoughts]

Ice cubes are gangster as fuck, they just float around in their own blood.

[whiningweezer]

Made me laugh so hard!!!!!

[whiningweezer]

Living with a thief, drug addict and alcoholic. I recently discovered that the trust I previously had in people is gone. I don't trust it when they say they'll do this or this, don't trust their words nor their intentions. My ex stole a lot of money from me.. More than I even realised, and not even just from me, he stole from our housemates, from my friends and from my family, and I was so bloody blind or oblivious that I didn't realise for a very long time. He stole food, money, clothes, whatever had some value so he could go to the pound and get money for it. Alcohol and cigarettes where never safe, he'd take that too, and weed if available. When he got his fortnightly payments it'd be gone in minutes, not even contributing to our joint rent or bills. You see, he was a lot more manipulative than I had realised, and he knew I'd pick up all these pieces and work it out. And work I did, fucking hell, work, work, work.... Then he'd still complain that we weren't intimate enough cause I was never home, or that I was always tired when I came home after a long day at work. He never cleaned, so I had to do that too. Because I was 'never' home, surely I had to be seeing someone else, clearly someone at work, so he would spy on me at work. He would spy on me if I went out with my friends. When we finally did have sex, he'd say that clearly I had had sex with someone because my vagina was too loose. It became a habit apologising for him, for us, and soon enough we had nothing left but detest. He'd told me that weed, cigarettes then alcohol was the top 3 on what was important in his life, I came after that. I realised, when I had a month of work, that he was secretly drinking a lot, the majority of his money went on weed, so he had these other problems I didn't see cause I wasn't there, and he was good at being a 'sober' drunk. Now.. How is it I can trust again? We are over, but for the future. My intuition failed me, and now I'm left wondering. How do you learn to trust again?

[whiningweezer]

Ok

"Ok" is such an unfuckingsatisfying answer!

[whiningweezer]

Why do I keep trying?! As the tears run down my hot cheeks yet again, I almost welcome the hurt, the ache in my stomach and the clenching feeling around my heart. Maybe I'll learn to not give my feelings away so carelessly, to someone so undeserving, someone who really made me feel so much; happiness, love, frustration, lust, beauty and acceptance. You took me to far away lands with your stories and your music.. I'll heal, but damn I'll miss you.

[wnq-writers]

I just need the feeling of your lips back on mine and your hands firmly roaming me because even though I’m falling apart, at least I’ll be in someone’s arms.

undefinedescapist (via wnq-writers)

♥ I do really miss you.. All of you!