Whispers Into the Dark

A Diary

[whispersintothedark]

if sadness is a wave i’m drowning in it's riptide

[whispersintothedark]

when i say i'm a light sleeper i don't mean waking up from alarm-clocks and banging doors i mean the light patter of feet or the opening of fridge doors i mean the flick of a light switch or the quite whispers i hear all of them ever time you clear your throat every time your phone buzzes my mind become restless

[whispersintothedark]

roommates

you probably don't realize this but the mess you see, the clutter in this small shelter i call a room is a pretty good represntation of my state of mind and even though it looks like im just messy the truth is my life is a mess right now the clothes that i step on clean dirty they are all i hate about the way i don't fit or smell quite right next to everyone else and the piles of paper plates and forks and bowls they are how much i want to just throw up every time i eat and the ratty looking papers off my desk so i don't have to see them they are my fear of failure and disapointment

my only solice is an unmade bed

i dont smile when im alone in this room i dont ever smile

[whispersintothedark]

and then I came across a man more loved than i had ever witnessed 

they leaned in and listened intently like his word rang with perfect truth

and when he spoke bamboo shoots grew from the ground at his feet

[whispersintothedark]

It's only when his sporadic coughs turn into rhythmic snores

that my mind allows itself to even consider sleep.

[whispersintothedark]

I killed someone in my dreams last night. It was me. It didn’t look like me but I knew it was me. And the me that killed me wasn’t actually me. I knew this but I still gripped the blade and plunged it into the space bellow my 10th rib. Then I was no longer in control of the not me but an omnipotent entity viewing from the third person.  I was filled with dread and fear from the sight of the blood. Fearing my own actions, I fled. Sometime later I realized where I was and woke up. It should have affected me more than it did.

[whispersintothedark]

I'm dying,

slowly,

tirelessly 

[euo]

Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata 

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here

[relateforteens]

[bodddah]

i drew a venn diagram of you and i in my sleep i didn’t dare label the microscopic overlap as “us”, but instead “someday”

i slept through all my alarms that morning

[icanrelateto]

[barfola3000]

[observando]

[allswellthatends]

“I poured everything I had into you, and you were still empty.” by Iviva Olenick

[whispersintothedark]

I think what hurts the most

is knowing I mean so much less

to you

then you do

to me

and if I were to disappear

would you wonder about my absence?

would I cross your mind at all?

because every night I lay awake thinking of you

and wonder why I do this to myself

[whispersintothedark]

Heart beats counted

by the arteries

in our wrists, 

through the veins

in your eyes.

[whispersintothedark]

silence like a fist

sometimes people say:

"i feel like i have no friends"

"all i want are friends"

"i feel like i just annoy everyone"

and i know they are saying these things

out of self hate

and they plaster on disclaimers like

this isn't everyone just most people

"don't take it personally"

but how can i not?

when i give myself so little worth

and all i want is your friendship

it feels like an un-winnable battle

for your attention and affection

and i so easily fuck up

but i love you enough that

i can't seem to let go