☁️

16, fem, vegetarian. • height: 5’1. SW: 150 lbs. cw: [N/A] lbs. ugw: under 100 lbs. • hopefully things will get better for all of us soon. just here to post about myself, i do not endorse eating disorders.

[white-sockss]

august 30, 2019. 4:49 am.

tw: bulimia hand.

shame. my hands were healing. tried to do better. :-/ planned on water/liquid fasting. felt good about my body. friend’s birthday and she just got her license and she wanted to get mcdonalds at like 11 pm. had a large fry, oreo mcflurry, and diet coke. we then decided on taco bell, ended up getting a cheese quesadilla. came home, binged slightly on mom’s cooking and a slice of pizza. 12:30 am. spent 2 hours trying to purge (maybe 20%) and then spent an hour working out (300+ cal). i was super fucking thirsty for some reason so i drank so much liquid, i’m now regretting everything. we were doing ok. we were doing alright. i thought i was okay, but y’know. god. my throat hurts so fucking bad. so bad. my nails probably cut the fuck out of my throat :-/ tried new methods, but it didn’t do much. three days in this binge/purge cycle really fucks you up, man. i need to stop before everything goes to shit (it’s already down the fucking drain but ok). i’m not going to laxatives. i’m a week clean and i don’t want to rely on it. 4 more days until school starts. i’ll do better and i will get control back. i promise.

[white-sockss]

about me. august 29, 2019.

realized that y’all probably don’t know anything about me so my posts really don’t make any sense. here is a quick introduction without giving anything away.

16. i’m a junior in high school.

female, she/her pronouns. 

minnesota, united states. 

vietnamese.

vegetarian. 

lgbt+ friendly. i like both genders. 

live with parents, only child, middle class.

height: roughly 5′1. 

sw: 150 lbs.

cw: [redacted] for now. 

ugw: under 100 lbs.

bmi: last time i checked, about 21. 

currently struggling with:

bulimia (about half a year now).

binge eating (currently discovered it).

anorexia (about half a year).

possible depression + anxiety (for many years. thought i got that shit resolved, but i recently had some revelations). 

likes: art, drawing, anime (bnha, haikyuu, mp100, opm, etc), music (indie/alt), fashion, games (animal crossing, don’t starve, minecraft), youtube, and writing. 

nobody in my life knows about my ed. took me a long time to realize i even had one, myself.

i’m new to ed in general. never thought i would develop one. i guess i’m still in denial about it. but i do have a ed blog so.... uhh..

i do not plan on getting treatment. i will stop when i feel like i can/should. i do not want anybody to suffer through an ed - and i am not “pro” anything. i simply just want to rant and talk about what i’m going through.

but i am pro recovery!!! everybody deserves to live a happy life. if you think you need help, then do so.

pm/dm me if you would like to talk. :-) i would like to have a friend through all of this. please at least be 16 and interested in some of the things i like! makes things easier lol. would love to get to know some of you guys more. loneliness does come with ed, so let’s fix that. you’re not alone and i don’t want to be either. i’m also open to chatting on imessage, discord or kik! 

[white-sockss]

august 26, 2019. 7:00 pm.

sorry for disappearing for a couple of days with no updates. my bad. but i’m back!! i was in a weird/bad mindset for a couple of days and i didn’t want to project negative energy but i’m alright for now. today is a monday. on friday, my cousin wanted to go shopping because he was bored so i tagged along. i felt fat because of the small binge i had the night before but i missed hanging out with him so i sucked it up. i knew i would be eating with him so i just has to prep myself for it. looking at myself in the mirror was difficult when i was getting ready. i looked gross and fat. we shopped for a couple of hours but we got bored pretty fast. we caught up and talked for a bit, then around 7/8 we got hungry so we decided to try out this american malt shop that everybody was hyping up. i could feel myself becoming more and more anxious as we got closer to the place, but i continued to talk to my cousin as normal as i could. when we got there, i got an oreo malt (or like a milkshake) and it was fuckin huge but SO fucking GOOD. i got a grilled cheese with honey glaze, fries and onion rings. since i’m vegetarian, the selection was already small but this place offered some vegetarian options which i was happy about!! i was craving grilled cheese for the longest and oh my god... was it worth it.... but the grease.. the calories... me and him shared a big thing of onion rings and my meal came with fries. while we ate, we didn’t talk much because we were so hungry so it allowed me to think about each bite i was eating and the guilt that followed each swallow. but i couldn’t stop. my fat ass kept eating until i felt 9 months pregnant. went home, ate a little bit more and then tried to purge with no results. i felt horrible. i tried to exercise even though it was like 10 at night and i couldn’t move for the rest of the night because it felt like i had a huge lump in my stomach (i technically did lol). i regret to say this, but after i couldn’t purge, i took like 6 laxatives. then 2. then 4. i ended up taking 12 laxatives in a span of about 6-8 hours. and i’m still feeling the effects today!!! like fuckin 3 days later!! 12 is the most i’ve ever taken and my god did it fuck me up. i would not recommend.

on saturday, i spent most of the day on the toilet. i decided to do a fast for a couple of days because i felt so horrible and guilty about the past 2 days (and the fact that i couldn’t get rid of my mistakes). and then me and my mom went grocery shopping. i bought about $65 worth of food (mostly drinks and low cal shit). the laxatives hit me so fuckin hard at the store and i had to cut the shop short lol. when i got home, i literally had no energy to draw or to do anything. i just watched mukbangs and binge/restriction videos for the entire night. on sunday, i has no energy to get out of bed, so i just stayed in bed for the entire day. woke up at 5 pm and just continued to sleep. everytime i was awake, i was constantly thinking about food. i was craving pizza so fucking BAD and i just wanted to order it and binge, but i didn’t. i wanted the halo top in the fridge so bad. i wanted to binge so bad, but i had no energy to get out of bed and when i did to go to the bathroom, i felt so faint and dizzy that i couldn’t be fucked to stand up for more than 2 seconds lol. i couldn’t sleep because i was thinking of food. i just wanted pizza. that was all that was on my mind. i then just went on tumblr and scrolled through ed tags and felt slightly better. it feels nice to know i’m not in this alone. i wasn’t able to slee until 6 am, and woke up today at 2 pm.

i felt better today then i did yesterday, but i was still faint and really weak. i couldn’t even keep myself upright in the shower. it was weird. i haven’t weighed myself since thursday. so i decided it was time. i still have fat on my stomach, and i knew i wouldn’t be pleased with the number but whatever. let’s just say i wasn’t pleased with the number lol but i could deal with it. i then wanted to break my fast because i didn’t feel too good so i went upstairs to eat. open house for my school is tomorrow and i don’t want to feel weak/want to pass out while walking around. i was also going to hang out with a friend afterwards, which might lead to eating fast food/just food in general so i wanted to prep myself in a way. guess who ending up chewing and spitting the entire kitchen?!?! this bitch. “ate” some vietnamese desserts, rice, green beans, peanut butter, some fruits, like 3/4 of halo top, 6 taro buns, etc. i can’t remember what else but i c/s most of it but i did swallow somethings. i literally filled an entire grocery bag filled with food i chewed. i had to get rid of the evidence so i went outside in bum clothing and chucked that shit in the trash can. during my binge. i was literally checking out dominos and pizza hut and tempting myself to buy a pizza but i was worried my dad would come home and see me pigging out so i didn’t order it (but i really fucking wanted to!!!). after i finished eating, i felt sick eating all that sugar, but i wasn’t overly filled like i usually was when i binged. i still wanted to get rid of some of the food because i felt kinda bad about eating so i gave it an hour. i know the calories already set in, but i just don’t like the feeling of food inside of me. my dad came home around 6:30 and i was kinda scared to purge but i did anyways. loud music + running water. i was actually able to get stuff up (which made me so happy?? that’s so fucked up to even say but it’s true) and i just kept on going but i was so paranoid my dad was going to catch me, so i stopped after 20 mins. i still have good inside of me, but i’m ok with it i think. i don’t feel sick or anything. just. fine. for the rest of the day, i might just drink some low cal drinks and water and then we’ll see about tomorrow. hopefully i’m not bloated and fucked up tomorrow. i want to be looking decent for open house and i’m hoping i can purge tomorrow’s food if i eat. fingers crossed. i hope you guys are doing ok. :-) or better than me at least lol

[emtional]

me: *loses two pounds a day*

me: can u like….. go faster

[honeycloverz]

[thinspothinn]

[white-sockss]

quick question.

tw: purging.

does anybody know how to throw up easier/ trigger their gag reflex easier??? like uncommon purge tips?? i’ve recently been struggling with purging out my food. i used to have a really sensitive gag reflex so it was easy for me to purge but for some reason, for the past couple of days i can’t seem to trigger it or barely anything comes up. i’ll wait a couple of days and it’s still pretty hard to get anything up. i want to stop taking laxatives to get rid of my food. can anybody help me lol google isn’t being extremely helpful. i’ve tried a couple of tips i’ve seen online but so far, it has yielded nothing. i hate taking laxatives but i just want to get rid of the food as quickly as possible. i don’t really are about the calories, just that it leaves as fast as possible. any help would be helpful. i’m tired of heaving and crying and seeing that nothing has come up.

[kingnamjoonssi]

Me: *gained weight*

Also me: *pretends as if nothing happened and doesn’t change stats in my bio*

[vanashingthing]

does anyone else do this?

[fitting-into-a-beautiful-world]

Let’s be real…We all know him😂👌

[white-sockss]

honestly??? i’d let christian body the fuck outta me. y’all see him in the newer seasons??? that man could EASILY get it. PERIOD. 😳🗿

[puppyxxprince]

Low cal starbucks drinks (under 200):

“x” means over 200 cals.

Refreshers: (tall, grande, venti)

Strawberry Açaí (80, 90, 130)

Very Berry Hibicus (50, 70, 90)

Mango Dragonfruit (70, 90, 130)

no lemonade keeps these low in calories, but you can add 0 cal sweetener for more sweetness.

Teas: slashes are without/with lemonade

Chai tea latte w/almond milk (140, 190, x)

All of the brewed teas are 0 cals by themselves, the ones i’m listing have cane sugar sweetener.

Blueberry Black Tea (70/90, 100/120, 160/180)

Guava White Tea (80/100, 110/130, 160/200)

Peach Green Tea (80/100, 100/130, 150/190 )

Matcha Latte, almond/coconut/nonfat/ 2%/ soy. (x/110/110/140/150, 100/160/160/200/200, 140/x/x/x/x)

Matcha Lemonade (90, 120, 170)

Royal english tea latte. almond/coconut/nonfat/ 2%/ soy. (50/90/110/110/140, 70/120/150/150/180, 100/150/190/190/x)

London Fog tea latte. almond/coconut/nonfat/2%/soy. (100/110/110/140/140, 130/150/150/180/180, 160/190/190/x/x)

Shaken teas- slightly sweetened. without/with lemonade. (30/70, 45/90 60/140,)

Nitro Lemon Fog (180, x, x)

Coffee:

Nitro Cold Brew regular/sweet cream/ cold foam. (5/70/60, 5/70/80,not available.)

Caffè Americano (10, 15, 15)

Caffè Latte. almond/coconut/nonfat/2%/soy. (80/100/110/150/150, 100/140/130/190/190, 130/170/170/x/x)

Caffè Mocha- no whip, same format as above. (170/190/190/x/x, x, x)

Cappuccino- same format as above. (80/100/60/90/100, 100/140/80/120/120, 130/170/110/150/160)

Carmel Macchiato- same as above. (130/150/150/190/190, 170/200/200/x/x, x)

Flat White. (70/100/100/140/140, 100/130/130/180/190, 120/170/170/x/x)

most frappuccinos are over 200 cals, but if you get coconut or almond milk it’s usually pretty close to 200. My go to starbucks order is a venti strawberry açaí refresher (no lemonade) with extra ice, double blended. it creates a sweet strawberry slushie for only 130 calories, and it’s big so i can’t drink it in one sitting.

[sknnyscale]

reblog if:

- you have an eating disorder but youre not professionally diagnosed

- your starting bmi is considered overweight

- you’re afraid of food

- you’re looking for friends to support you

- you’re really fuckin hungry

i’ll follow back everyone that reblogs and hopefully we can become friends.

[white-sockss]

august 23, 2019. 2:14 am.

just binged after water fasting for about 2 days. i feel horrible. i chewed and spat most of it, but i still full and fat. i don’t know what i binged but it has to be high as fuck for me to be feeling this way. i tried to purge but nothing came up. i feel fat and disgusting. i just want to fucking get rid of this feeling. i know i already absorbed the calories, but i want the substances out of me. i want to feel empty again. i don’t know. i could always try again but dude does it hurt. i don’t think i can even weigh myself tomorrow. i feel too ashamed to. i’m going to fast again even though it’s a friday and i think my dad’s home for today. :-\ wish i never ate, but i felt lethargic and weak so i guess i gave in and i really wish i didn’t. i really do. i also hit my lowest weight today but that didn’t last very long. we’re gonna starve again, boys. school starts in like 2 weeks. gotta get my shit together if i want to be skinny for school. i’m going to try and fast/restrict for a week. not sure how that’s gonna work, but i’m gonna try and see what it brings. i just have to be lowkey about it because my parents are on my dick about eating. dad yelled at me today for not getting out of bed and eating. i’m going to do better so i don’t have to feel this gross, full feeling ever again. so i can live off of being empty. hope you guys are doing better than me.

[mollysfedup]

I can literally fast all day but the minute I eat anything I just can't control myself

[white-sockss]

august 20, 2019. 4:13 pm.

just came back from orientation and my dad took me to arby’s. haven’t been there in a while because i asvoid fast food places like the plague. he made me eat some fries and got me a vanilla shake and tried to persuade me to eat something. i have a rule to only eat before a selected time and it wasn’t time. i didn’t want to eat but he sat me down and made me eat. he pushed his fries that came with his meal and told me to eat. i got a coke zero and told him i wasn’t hungry, but he still made me eat. “you need to eat. you’ll get sick if you don’t.” he said. “you’re already losing so much weight, it’s not healthy.” and that kinda fucked me up so i guiltily ate some curly fries. i could feel the calories in them, the grease, everything. i ate the smaller ones, but i slowly gave into a little more but i held back. i’m supposed to be hanging out with a friend today and i know we’re going to eat some unhealthy shit so i prepped myself for that, but not this. i drank some of the shake and i guess my dad just assumed i wanted it so he took my coke zero. fuck, dude. just drank some more of the shake, but maybe i’ll give some of it to my friend when he comes. can’t purge rn because i have makeup on and he’s coming in a few. shit. hope i can purge this tonight when i get home, but the calories will already be done with. i just want it out of my body, i guess. :-/

[white-sockss]

here’s a quick update. went out with my friend and had a fucking blast. we got smacked as hell in his car and we ended up dicking around for a few hours. we then got food at applebee’s and since i was high as shit, i ate a lot. i don’t remember what, but i was straight up yomping. i think i had fries, mac and cheese, mozzarella sticks, mash potatoes and some of my friend’s pasta. and i guess i was craving wendy’s so i got me a frosty. got home, binged slightly on more food (japanese yam, dried mango and more ice cream). ended up not being able to purge much out, but strangely, i didn’t really care?? i probs has like 2000 cal yesterday, but for some reason, my ed didn’t really affect me??? i did pop like 5 laxatives and called it a night though. (and then i took like 2 more later on.. oop-) maybe it was because i was smacked out of my mind or it was because i didn’t consider it a binge, rather than just me hanging and socializing. i don’t know, but goddamn did i regret taking those laxatives. horrible nights sleep. probably pooped out enough shit for a family of 4. didn’t realize i ate that much but ok lol. i had to get up so many times to go to the bathroom. thank god i have my own bathroom and i don’t currently share with anybody. my body currently doesn’t feel too great but hopefully tomorrow will be better. i water fasted today, august 21, and exercised slightly. just some slight yoga. i don’t think i’d be able to keep food down with all of the laxatives i took. can’t imagine what my body would do if i introduced solids. anyways. back on track for now. schools gonna start in a couple of weeks. gotta keep it slim for the first few days. stay safe, folks.

[white-sockss]

august 20, 2019. 4:13 pm.

just came back from orientation and my dad took me to arby’s. haven’t been there in a while because i asvoid fast food places like the plague. he made me eat some fries and got me a vanilla shake and tried to persuade me to eat something. i have a rule to only eat before a selected time and it wasn’t time. i didn’t want to eat but he sat me down and made me eat. he pushed his fries that came with his meal and told me to eat. i got a coke zero and told him i wasn’t hungry, but he still made me eat. “you need to eat. you’ll get sick if you don’t.” he said. “you’re already losing so much weight, it’s not healthy.” and that kinda fucked me up so i guiltily ate some curly fries. i could feel the calories in them, the grease, everything. i ate the smaller ones, but i slowly gave into a little more but i held back. i’m supposed to be hanging out with a friend today and i know we’re going to eat some unhealthy shit so i prepped myself for that, but not this. i drank some of the shake and i guess my dad just assumed i wanted it so he took my coke zero. fuck, dude. just drank some more of the shake, but maybe i’ll give some of it to my friend when he comes. can’t purge rn because i have makeup on and he’s coming in a few. shit. hope i can purge this tonight when i get home, but the calories will already be done with. i just want it out of my body, i guess. :-/

[white-sockss]

august 19, 2019. 3:44 am.

today (or yesterday lol) was weird. cried in a car for about an hour. going through a mental breakdown for no reason. getting my parents all worried and worked up. watched more binge videos. binged and purged. you know, the basics.

food diary:

10:30 pm - i c/s most if not all of the food today so, sorry if the estimated calories are wonky.

english breakfast tea - 0 cal.

watermelon - 100 cal.

3 ice cream cones - 900 cal.

3 croissants with honey - 920 cal.

jackfruit - 300-400 cal.

strawberries - 100 cal.

peanut butter - 120 cal.

dried mango - 200 cal.

blue tortilla chips - 200 cal.

red pepper hummus - 50 cal.

2 string cheeses - 60 cal.

mango - 100 cal.

madeleine cookie - 130 cal.

total: 3280 cals (?)

amount swallowed: 500-600 cal (?) most came from the ice cream lol hard to c/s out liquid.

like i said, i purged so i don’t know how much i actually retained. i also filmed like 20 mins of me just binging but i deleted that video so fucking fast lmao. it’s already embarrassing enough to be binging like this but no way in hell i’m going to rewatch that shit. i also had to c/s into a plastic bag and it was so fucking heavy! i had to run outside at 1 am to dispose of it... the ghetto 😳 hopefully tomorrow will be better, but i highly doubt it. hope you guy are better.

[white-sockss]

august 17, 2019. 11:30 pm.

woke up around 11:30 am and felt like i was going to shit myself with all of my movements in my bowels. went to the bathroom 3-4 times in about an hour. felt bloated as fuck and still grossly full. went to sleep a little more until 3:30 pm because i had nothing to do today, woke up and got ready for the stupid day. took my vitamins (15 cal), worked out (don’t know how much i burned, it just makes me feel good to move), drank some of my water, did some laundry and then sat down and watched some binge/restriction videos until about 11.

food diary:

11:05 - matcha green tea.

matcha green tea powder - 20 cals.

water + ice - 0 cals.

two packets of stevia - 0 cals.

honey - 5 cals.

almond milk - 50 cals.

soy milk - 50 cals.

total: 140 cals (?)

don’t know if i’m going to finish it or not tbh because the soy milk i’m trying out makes it taste like shit. :-/ need to go out and buy the brand i like. also ran out of almond milk and kinda wanna try out cashew! also need to go to the store to pick up some more low cal drinks and other little things but parents have been pretty busy recently. maybe tomorrow. haven’t moved or done anything productive for the last couple of days due to my renovations happening and i guess i’ve just been focused on my weight more than anything. i’m hoping tomorrow or later tonight i get some art done. haven’t drawn in almost a week and it feels horrible. but my mood has been pretty calm/stable for the last couple of days, even though i haven’t done shit. summer’s almost over and i’ve done pretty much nothing. whatever.

[white-sockss]

august 17, 2019. 12:40 am.

just binged so fucking hard. my stomach is huge. i feel sickly and i regret everything i did. i don’t know why i did it. i ate so much, but i also chewed and spat out so much. i feel like a failure. i’m now trying to get rid of my mistake, but it’s not working. no matter how much i gag, nothing’s (or barely anything) is coming out and i’m starting to freak the fuck out. i ate so much - please.. please just let me get all of this shit out of me before it ruins me. i hate when shit like this happens. i eat too much and can’t purge it out for some reason, and then i end up wanting to kill myself because i put myself in this and i’m going to ruin my progress. just sitting here and writing this, i can feel the disgusting fullness of my stomach and what it’ll bring tomorrow. i don’t care if my throat bleeds or i end up hurting tomorrow. i’m going to get this shit out of me. i’ll spend all night doing so if needed. iright now, i’m letting it sit before i try it again. maybe i’ll drink more water. ugh. and i was actually making some fucking progress. fuck. i hate it when it doesn’t want to come out. i hate it. just fucking come out. just let me eat and regret. no matter how much i gag and shake, nothing will follow and it makes me so fucking frantic and scared. it’s going to come up. i’m going to get as much out as possible. i don’t care if it takes me all night. i will do this.

[white-sockss]

1:59 am.

aftermath. barely got anything out other than tears. i still feel disgustingly and painfully full. i feel disgusting. i haven’t used my fingers in a while since i wanted to let the scabs heal, but that wasn’t the case today, sadly. my hand will never have time to heal and look normal. i used the salt and water method, which made me feel nauseous, but otherwise did not do anything and stayed in my full stomach. i worry about swelling/water rention for tomorrow. i just hope i don’t gain, but knowing what goes down after a binge, i suppose i’ll see the numbers rise. i took 4 laxatives in hopes that maybe i can remedy it, but we’ll have to see. my throat burns from stomach acid and salt water. my tummy feels like someone’s stepping on it. it hurts. i hate feeling full, especially when i know what’s going to happen later on. i sat on the floor of my bathroom trying to calm my frantic hands and my rapid heartbeat. i just sat there, gut filled with calorific foods and guilt on my conscious. i’ll go on a liquid fast after this. i need to teach myself discipline if i want to continue to lose weight. i’m just hoping my body will be normal when i wake. i’m hoping those laxatives will be the unspoken hero of this tragic tale. i really do hope.