@white-sun-scattered - Tumblr Blog

went to the dentist for the first time in ~4 years and my teeth/gums are completely Fine B) just needed a little extra scraping to remove calcium buildup around my permanent retainer. i also got a new bite guard made. it was almost six hundred american dollars tho, so i will be delaying personal enrichment purchases for a month. hopefully this upcoming holiday/weekend pay will help offset the cost.

i do blame myself for growing attached to the idea of having people in my life. it's entirely my fault. i had barely nine months to myself, free from caregiver responsibilities. i don't know why i assumed there wouldn't be another disruption. i should be grateful i wasn't able to make friends. i should be grateful things are coming to natural conclusions. i know what to expect. there will be no surprises this time.

trying to pull myself out of a panic spiral (mom has cancer; got ghosted by someone i like very much) and feeling pathetic about it. i got just barely 1 year of feeling free to live my life and now it's over. i didn't do much with the year i was given.

maybe i'll dye my hair when mom gets her results back and is done with staging. maybe i'll bleach my eyebrows. maybe i'll buy some nail polish. maybe i'll learn to play the bass at night, very quietly, to avoid bothering my neighbors. maybe i'll keep making excuses to stay stagnant for another year.

i'm running out of my meds, but i can't get a refill because my new insurance card was never mailed to my apartment. i can't call to get it sorted out because i work nights and the insurance phones are only operated during day hours. i need to just stay up late enough (as in, into the morningtime) to call. but i haven't been able to force myself to do it.

i accidentally outed myself as someone who dates women to a coworker and now a separate coworker's behavior towards me has changed. i love working in a female dominated field. i love workplace homophobia.

found out the man who abused me received some kind of terminal diagnosis back in march. i am not feeling the joy i imagined i would.

i have once again fallen in love with a grad student who who will move away after six months. because i am an Idiot.

i accidentally took my evening magnesium with my morning meds so now i'm in a weirdly soft caffeinated not quite focused state. i need to go to the grocery store. i need to keep doing my laundry. i need to make quiche for my breakfasts for my mon/tues/wed shifts. i need to text this guy back on the pervert app to tell him how cute his cats are. it's hot today, cold tomorrow. on friday night i went to a drag show with a coworker who casually referred to the lovers he met at his old fire station and i admire his comfortable use of the word. my cats are snuggling in the windowsill in front of my desk. i have really delicious bite mark bruises on my inner thighs from tuesday. i might have to return to my bed for a nap.

it's none of my business, but i think someone i follow has relapsing remitting ms that has gone undiagnosed by every physician they've seen due to the genders delaying diagnosis as usual

why did i decided to get my shit together the year the standard of living in this godforsaken country drops off a cliff?

found out the coworker who hates me posts on tiktok about how she and her husband have gone through "hard seasons" but still "fight for each other". and now i feel better about myself :)

titrated a drip wrong (by 1.5 instead of 2.5) and i'm waiting to see if icu files a complaint. patient was fine, so i don't really care personally. oh well!

my problem is that i'll be doing Okay with social interactions at work and then get a little too comfortable and say something deeply fucking incorrect and ruin the mood for the next few shifts

white-sun-scattered

for reasons of workplace social bond formation i reduced my mask wearing by about half. i have since contracted some kind of illness and am sick on my couch. i go back to work wednesday for three twelves in a row. i caught strep from a clinical instructor last summer. my last illness prior to that was in 2022. i Hate this

white-sun-scattered

skipped my attention deficit meds for two days d/t concerns about raising my heart rate while sick and lol, lmao. how did i live like this before medication. i did a load of laundry and left it in the machine for >24 hours. i have a kitchen sink full of dishes. i keep walking away from tasks to start a new task or investigate a sound. every time i walk past the litter box i go to get a bag to clean it and then promptly get distracted. no wonder my life went the way it did.

for reasons of workplace social bond formation i reduced my mask wearing by about half. i have since contracted some kind of illness and am sick on my couch. i go back to work wednesday for three twelves in a row. i caught strep from a clinical instructor last summer. my last illness prior to that was in 2022. i Hate this

locking the fuck in to be thrown in to working in the ed during a horrific flu wave without proper orientation let's go i'm built for this

gonna be honest i do not like the move from "primary partner" to "nesting partner". when you all abbreviate the term to NP i immediately read it as "nurse practitioner" and have to pause to reorganize my thoughts.

parents who call their boy children "bubba" and girl children "sissy" are my enemies

last night i spent some time mapping out a fun little craft instead of studying. i wish thrift stores weren't super overpriced locally bc i need to get some scraps and bits and bobs. i want to get cheapo acrylic paints, too.

i am feeling consistently better after reintroducing electrolyte beverage into my daily routine. i need to suck it up and make a bulk purchase.

i almost booked a proper haircut, but after doing a minor trim yesterday i think it's looking okay. i need to trim my bangs in a few days. once my first few paychecks roll in i'll be able to think about hair dyes.

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