white wall, sky high.

[whitewallskyhigh]

10th Eid Later.

An AI-generated image inspired by the art of Studio Ghibli— a soft tribute that captures how I like to remember our last Eid together.

This marks the tenth Eid without you, Abah. A whole decade. Somehow, that number feels surreal—a milestone I never imagined having to count.

There’s something about Eid that always brings you back to me in the quietest, yet most powerful way. The sound of the takbir, the chaos of everyone getting ready to head out—and especially that warm buzz when the house slowly fills up with your grandchildren coming home. That was your favourite part. You were always the most excited one whenever we gathered for Raya, the one standing by the door, grinning as each family member arrived. That image of you—joyful, proud, content—never leaves me.

I know I don’t talk about you a lot these days. But that doesn’t mean you ever slips from my mind. In fact, it’s in the quiet wins, the moments of growth, the milestones reached, that I feel and miss you the most. Every time I achieve something, there’s a part of me that still whispers, “I wish you were here. I wish I could share this with you.”

There are so many things I’d tell you now—not for validation, but just to see the pride in your eyes, to hear you say you’re proud, to feel that rare kind of unconditional love that I’ve yet to feel again from anyone else. Ten years—And still, there are days when I’d give anything just to sit with you just for a few minutes.

To anyone who read this, if you still have your parents around—cherish them. Truly celebrate them while you can. Let them know you see their efforts, their love, their presence. Don’t wait for a milestone, or a perfect moment. Sometimes, the only thing that matters is knowing you made them feel appreciated while they were here.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my Muslim friends. I hope your Raya is warm, filled with meaning, and spent with the people who matter most.

[whitewallskyhigh]

A new era of life.

We all have had those goals that start with "by thirty I will..."

I've met some of them. Some I definitely haven't.

I just entered into my 5th year of practice recently. Yes, the robe is still on and so does the mask 😷

I got promoted to a senior associate early this year which took me by surprise ngl.

I took a mortgage, bought a house, and it’s a work-in-progress 💸

I have three cats that depend on me, they’re spoiled brats tho.

I completed my vaccination and I have a huge itch to travel ✈️

All I want to say is that adulting is a journey -

embrace the high highs and the low lows.

appreciate the littlest things in life.

it’s okay to be boring.

there is no societal pressure that should dictate how you live your life.

choose what makes you happy, whenever possible, however possible. 

Thank you for your well wishes, here’s to a new era of life 🥂

[whitewallskyhigh]

Hey. Apologies for my absence of late: incredibly long work days and personal matters leave little left to share. I hope you are doing well and good, and I want you to know I think of you often. Hope to return steady soon. Me.

[whitewallskyhigh]

A scab will never heal if you keep picking at it...

and the same goes for emotions and hurt. I am a serial offender of doing this to myself. I go over situations in my mind, replay those moments, analyse every movement and what does it do to me? - absolutely nothing!

Moral of the story: you can’t heal a wound if you keep picking at it.

[whitewallskyhigh]

I have scars all over my body, my mind, and my heart.

4AM thought

[le-immorte]

[whitewallskyhigh]

life, love & sorting it all out.

Honestly, I feel like everything is back on track in my life. I know I don’t post as much as I used to and that really comes down to one thing - my career. I’m trying to build a life for myself that has longevity and to do that I have to put in the hard yards.

Things are going well, and if I have anything to complain about, it is that I’m still torn up about what I had to sacrifice in return. But then again, I’ve been through worse though. So, I shall get through this! It’s nothing in comparison, really.

All I can say is that life is pretty much... dizzy. It’s a dizzy blur of laugher, tears, sickness, concentration, hugs, and just enough anxiety to keep me from getting overly confident. I guess I’m content, and that’s all that matters.

[le-immorte]

[whitewallskyhigh]

write4U.

[whitewallskyhigh]

only a father’s love.

I consider myself very lucky. I was blessed with an incredible father for 24 years—one whose love and influence will live on in me forever. I’m not going to be hateful, I’m not going to go all “fuck stroke” on the world. That’s not what I am here to do. My father wasn’t a hateful person, and neither am I. It’s a tragedy that happened to someone who had a heart of gold and a strong reminder that life isn’t fair.

You know when you watch movies, or speak to people and they say “I held his hand until the end, I slept in the hospital all night”... I’m sorry, but no. That’s not the reality. One thing they never tell you is that it’s absolutely horrible sitting in that hospital room. I’d be in there for 30 seconds before the thoughts of leaving entered my mind and consumed me. It was my own torture that I had to endure for my father, because I love him so much.

I was on my way home from a semester break and the last words he spoke to me before stroke took away his consciousness were “Drive safe & I’ll be waiting for your arrival”. I spent that nightdrive telling myself how proud I am of him, how hard he has fought, how much I see himself in me. I am blessed with my father’s strength, determination, resilience, loving heart, sharp mind and obscure humour.

I am glad to say that when it happened, when he took his last breath, my mother was right beside him.

Abah, Jamaludin Jaapar, my father… I love you. I am incredibly sad of your passing, but I’m equally relieved. No more fighting. No more suffering. You’re at peace now.

I know that he will be with me always. I’ll carry his legacy, living my life to the fullest, with love and laughter, just as he would have wanted.

While the heart beats, hope lingers. Happy Father’s Day, Abah - al-Fatihah.

[tryppi]

Beam | Moonassi

[whitewallskyhigh]

3id.

Tomorrow marks the third Eid since my dad passed away. He died of a stroke, and in many ways, I began losing him the moment he was diagnosed in 2013. So—for all intents and purposes—I’ve been missing him for nearly five years now. We planted a tree on his grave, hoping its bloom would remind us of the love we shared and brighten the quiet emptiness he left behind.

I’ve made peace with most things in life. I try to swallow hard truths and do the right thing even when it’s difficult, just to avoid living with regret. But one regret lingers—the arrogance of youth I once showed my father before he fell ill. It wasn’t out of spite. Just some misguided need to prove myself worthy of his greatness.

What truly blindsided me after his passing was the loneliness. Despite being surrounded by love, there’s a void that nothing fills. It feels indulgent to admit, knowing not everyone had what I had—but I didn’t appreciate it until it was gone. That’s the truth.

There will never be another who loves me as purely and unconditionally as he did. I know this—and he knew it too.

I don’t share this to elicit pity (remember, I was spoiled!). I share it to remind you to appreciate the ones who love you. If you care about them, show them. Let them know what they mean to you. That’s all—it’s not rocket science.

On that note, to all my Muslin friends, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin! I hope you spend your time meaningfully with your loved ones.

[sivankarim]

The Kiss

A love between two is no one else’s business.

@sivan.ka

facebook

[whitewallskyhigh]

missed-a-match.

A toxic relationship does not necessarily mean that either person is bad - sometimes it’s just the pairing that is bad. I mean you don’t pair a scoop of vanilla ice cream with a glass of beer - it’s possible but not so popular for pairing, no?

Here’s a deal, find someone that really gets you! It’s like a game of mix-and-match, oftentimes you miss it, but sometimes if you’re lucky enough, you might find your perfect match!

[whitewallskyhigh]

“white wall, sky high. turned 3 today!”

Happy birthday to me. Tumblr has notified me this blog is three years old. I’m like a toddler - maybe like the terrible three’s!

Thanks for allowing my thoughts and rambles and vents to cross your board. I really appreciate you. I hope you have a great day, today and everyday.

[whitewallskyhigh]

my soft spot.

They love you with an honest tongue, devoted heart and exclusive eyes.

They are family.

[whitewallskyhigh]

when you finally let that walls down...

As a human, you wonder why so many people have intimacy, trust, reliance and relationship issues. Tonight it dawned on me for the reason why. Once you finally let your guard down; the big wall that protects you from the rest of the world, you’re completely defenceless. It’s like putting down your umbrella hoping the rain won’t start again, and then it does.

I think the trick is to let your guard down but be a hard bitch. I don’t care if it rains on me. Because people get rained on all the time. At the end of the day, if it all falls to pieces, then obviously today wasn’t your day - they weren’t the right person.

Everybody gets their day sooner or later, you just wait for the sun to come out.

[whitewallskyhigh]

fall 4 U.

Some people have asked me what makes me fall for someone. For me, it’s almost an instant crush thing, however it’s more complicated than that.

Every person has their one catch point; the one thing a person really needs to have to catch their eye and stay there long enough to fall. Some need someone with fire and spark, others need someone to inspire them, a gentle nature, unconditional love, or even feistiness. These attractive qualities alter just as much as physical attraction. What I want isn't necessarily what you want in a person. What I am may not be what you want, and vice-versa.

For me, I need to be amazed by someone. I like to look at someone and be blown away by their ability to exist. It may be the way they think, the way they live, they way they interact, how clever they are, how beautiful they are, the things they do, their talents, or simply just who they are. It’s a person’s outstanding qualities that get my attention. I have to be amazed by them. I like to be bewildered, ya know - like a deer in the headlights.