If Only | Eris x Reader
Eris x Reader ft Azriel | Azriel is there to comfort you after winnowing you both from Day Court.
a/n: This is pt 9 & takes place right after you asked Azriel to take you away, approx 3.3K words. Also, I have no idea how maternity care goes in Prythian, given we got little insight with Feyre so I'm just going with whatever I can think of lol. This is kind of a bit of filler part but we do get a little gender reveal in this <3
warnings: angst, reader is pregnant/ hidden pregnancy trope, reader has a panic attack
Behind you, you heard the sound of Eris breaking.
Not aloud. Not with screams or fists or flame.
But you felt it through the bond.
The wind kissed your cheeks as Azriel’s shadows dispersed, having winnowed you away from the room you stood in. You landed in a clearing somewhere deep in a forest. The canopy of the trees above swayed and you could hear the faint sounds of insects chirping and buzzing.
It sounded peaceful…and you were anything but.
Azriel released you slowly, his arms hesitant. They remained extended around you, in case you stumbled. He was speaking but you couldn’t make sense of his words, your arms wrapping around your stomach. Your body curled in on itself as if you could hide from the emotions screaming through the bond.
Desperation, longing, regret.
All his.
It felt like a dam had opened inside of you, Eris’s emotions and pain crashing through to you in intense waves. You felt like you couldn’t breathe.
Azriel’s shadows danced around you, swirling anxiously like they wanted to help but didn’t know how. He rubbed the back of his neck, his face twisted with guilt. He could only blame himself for your current state. He had been the one to let your secret slip.
A single shadow brushed against your arms. It grounded you back to the present, making you straighten up and look at Azriel.
“I’m sorry,” you heard him say through the pounding in your ears. “I didn’t know he didn’t… I assumed, I never would've—”
You shook your head, biting your lip. That was the least of your worries. Yes, you were upset Azriel had told Eris. You weren’t planning on telling Eris, you didn’t know how. But maybe, deep down, part of you wondered if Eris finding out had been inevitable. Maybe even necessary. And if that was true, maybe there was some small silver lining to be found in it all.
You were so confused. You wanted to cry. You didn’t know what to think, what to feel.
You had wanted Eris to find you. You’d imagined him coming, falling to his knees, begging for you back. And when he finally did, amber eyes burning with torment, you hesitated.
Why?
You loved Eris–still love him. But…no matter how much you loved him, love alone didn’t erase what he had done. You were hurt, left aching and angry. His rejection had hollowed something out in you.
Did he want you? Or was it the bond? Was it the child?
You’d heard the stories—how mating bonds could make males possessive, even obsessive. Some believed the magic behind them was tied to legacy and bloodlines, to the power of offspring.
Was that what brought him back?
A wave of nausea rose in your throat.
Or worse—what if he meant it? What if he truly loved you, and you had just walked away from the only chance you had at a family? At mending what had broken?
You had been prepared to do this alone, facing every single fear and pushing forward on your own. But preparing to face motherhood alone was different from actually doing it.
And you didn’t want to do this alone.
Eris’s emotions were raw and unguarded, still pouring through the bound and flooding your senses. They bled into your own until you couldn’t tell where his began and yours ended. It was too much.
The tears finally came down.
Your knees buckled and Azriel caught you in an instant. The moment his arms wrapped around you, you let yourself fall apart. Your hands were balled into fists against his chest, face buried into his leathers as your body shook with the sobs you had held back for too long.
Everything spilled out. You cried for the love you felt, for the pain, for the fear of raising a child in the middle of a storm you hadn’t meant to start. You cried for the past you couldn’t return to and the future that now felt like a cliff’s edge…
“Take me back,” you were suddenly whispering. “Az, take me back.”
But there was no confidence or certainty in your tone. Even Azriel could pick up on it.
“Y/n.” His voice was low, grounding. His hands came to your face, lifting it gently. Thumbs swept away the tears streaking down your cheeks. “Breathe,” he instructed softly.
Your chest tightened, the air caught in your lungs as panic rose again. “What if I made the wrong choice?” you gasped, your eyes wide, your pulse frantic beneath your skin.
Azriel’s heart twisted with guilt and sympathy. “Hey,” he murmured, bringing you back to him. “Nothing is final. Just breathe with me.”
His eyes met yours, urging you to focus as he inhaled slowly. You followed his lead, the two of you exhaling together. One breath. Then another.
“Don’t make any rash decisions now,” he continued, his voice calm in an attempt to soothe you further. “You’re safe. Your baby is safe. If you want to return to him after, I’ll take you to him myself. But for now, keep breathing with me, okay?”
Azriel was right. The bond between you and Eris was loud and confusing. And you didn’t trust your own thoughts when they weren’t fully yours. All you knew for certain was that the child growing inside you didn’t deserve to be born into chaos. It needed some clarity, some stability.
“I don’t want to do this alone,” you said, voice trembling.
Azriel’s hand moved to cradle the back of your head, gently bringing your forehead to rest against his shoulder. “You don’t have to.”
You wanted to believe him. By the Cauldron, you wanted to. But anxiety rose again like a wave, cresting too fast. “I don’t have anywhere to go…”
You thought you’d had more time to plan. You hadn’t expected for Eris to turn up so suddenly. All the money you’d been saving from selling your jewelry, your belongings…it was all still in Day. You had nothing with you now.
“I know a place you can stay.”
**
Your feet touched the ground and though it was more comfortable winnowing with Azriel’s shadows, it still left you a bit disoriented. Some of his shadows stayed with you, soothing you gently. You blinked your vision clear, finding yourself standing in front of tall, iron gates.
Azriel touched the handle and after a moment, the gates opened on their own. He turned to you, motioning for you to go first. As you walked past the gates of the estate, you were immediately hit with the sweet scent of roses. Beautiful blue roses were in full bloom, their petals catching glimmers of the fading twilight.
The house beyond the blooms was quaint and modest in size, despite the amount of land surrounding it. You didn’t know who the house belonged to, having trusted Azriel completely. But you could tell whoever lived here built this home with love.
A low meow pulled your attention to the side. A small black kitten darted from behind a bush and rubbed against Azriel’s leg, its bright eyes blinking up in slow adoration at him. He chuckled softly and crouched to greet it. Shadows slipped from his shoulders and gently patted the kitten’s head, coaxing it into a playful chase.
When you looked back up, you noticed more cats lounging in the garden, their curious eyes blinking back at you. The door to the house opened before you could reach it.
A tall woman stepped onto the porch, her wings smaller but unmistakably Illyrian. She was strikingly beautiful. Long, dark hair fell in soft waves down her back, and those familiar hazel eyes were framed by a face that mirrored Azriel’s. They had to be related and you could only assume this was his mother.
Her gaze found the male beside you, her face brightening.
“My son,” she breathed, confirming your thoughts. She rushed down the steps and wrapped him in a tight, fierce hug.
You watched as he melted into her embrace. Since you’d known him, you’d never seen him look so at peace. His shoulders dropped, and his arms wrapped tightly around her in return. It brought tears to your eyes—tears you quickly looked away from.
Here I go crying again, you thought. You hoped your child would look at you the way Azriel looked at his mother.
When she pulled back, she gave Azriel a lingering, affectionate pat on the arm before turning toward you. Her smile was still warm but a little curious now.
“Hello, I’m Rosanna,” she greeted, extending her hand. “You must be Morrigan.”
You felt Azriel tense beside you. You offered a small, polite smile, even as your cheeks heated. “Um, no.”
“Oh!” Rosanna blinked, then laughed, waving a hand. “Sorry, sorry. Elain, then?”
“Also no,” you said, shaking her hand. “I’m Y/n.”
There was a flicker of something in her expression. Not judgment, just… interest and a mild surprise. And then she was smiling again, genuinely. Her other hand came to rest on top of yours, enveloping it in its warmth.
“Y/n,” she repeated, as if tasting the name. “It’s lovely to meet you. Forgive me. Azriel’s never brought a girl here before but I’ve heard of plenty–”
“Mother,” Azriel said, interrupting her with a slight wince. “Can I talk to you in private?”
Rosanna nodded and beckoned you both inside. You followed hesitantly, your fingers twitching at your sides. You felt awkward and out of place all of a sudden. And somehow, they both sensed it—Rosanna, who gave you a reassuring nod, and Azriel, whose shadows gently nudged the small of your back.
“Make yourself comfortable,” Rosanna said kindly. “Would you like tea? Or warm milk?”
“I’m okay,” you murmured and after more reassuring, they disappeared into the kitchen.
The inside of the house was as lovely as the garden that surrounded it. The furniture didn’t exactly match yet it went well together. A soft, knitted blanket was draped over the back of the couch, and a few well-loved books sat stacked beside a reading chair.
Your eyes caught on a framed painting above the fireplace.
It was unmistakably the work of a child. Two stick figures with wings—one tall with long hair, holding the hand of a smaller one. Wisps of black trailed from the smaller figure’s wings. In blue paint, scrawled beneath them: I love you mom.
Your heart clenched, mouth forming a silent “awe.” You turned away before you could cry again and sank onto the couch. A couple of minutes passed as you sat there, watching the shadows lengthen across the walls, before Azriel returned.
“So,” you said, rising to your feet. “You must have a lot of girls, huh?”
“She was exaggerating,” Azriel replied with a casual shrug but his ears flushed slightly.
You found it too amusing to let it go. “Sure she was,” you said, dragging out the words with a small smile. “Most males don't have a lineup long enough to confuse their own mother. Sounds like player behavior…”
Azriel’s shadows danced around his shoulders in a teasing manner, almost like they were agreeing along with you. He gave them an accusing glance, swatting at them. “I’m not,” he said with a small huff.
“Well, player or not, I hope your love life is faring much better than mine,” you said.
Azriel was quiet for a beat too long.
“It’s not,” he then admitted.
“Oh,” your smile immediately dropped, taken off guard. “Sorry, I didn’t mean–”
“It’s alright,” he said quickly, gaze dropping. “I do get a bit of female attention but...I have a habit of falling for the ones I can’t have.”
You looked at him then, really looked at him. His shadows curled around him like they were trying to comfort him, so different to the way they had been moving earlier. You had no idea you were both hurting in different ways and suddenly you felt bad.
Azriel has been such a good friend to you–your only friend, actually. And now you felt like you had neglected your end of the friendship that been brewing between you, too caught up in your heartache to notice his.
Before you could say something meaningful—or worse, sappy—you heard Rosanna’s voice call from the kitchen.
“Come on, you two! There's some tea and also sweet bread…I heard it pairs well with troubled hearts!”
You and Azriel blinked at each other, the same small, understanding smile tugging at both your lips. “She’s not wrong,” he murmured. “Her bread does make one feel better.”
**
Azriel had excused himself after finishing the entirety of his mother's sweet bread, earning a small scolding from her for not leaving any leftovers for tomorrow's breakfast.
That’s when you found out he didn’t live here with his mother but in another city within the Night Court. He would return in a couple of days with a healer to properly assess you. Before leaving, he had also assured you that no magic could trace you back to this place. Wards had been layered here by his High Lord himself, all to protect his mother—and now, you.
Rosanna had been nothing but kind and welcoming, but after learning this was her sanctuary, that intruding feeling crept back in. You were a pregnant stranger with a confused heart and a million fears. Of course, she had assured you that she didn’t mind, adding in that she longed for some company.
The days of waiting for Azriel to return passed slowly. You kept to yourself at first, making yourself as inconspicuous as possible in Rosanna’s space. You took to speaking only when spoken to, offering polite smiles and helping with small tasks around the estate.
Rosanna didn’t seem to mind your silence. In fact, she had a way of making space for you without demanding anything in return. She had a few quirks that reminded you of Azriel. You found it endearing and her warmth infectious.
Then, just as promised, Azriel returned with a healer, a female with warm eyes and silver streaks in her hair.
The moment you saw her, panic and worry stirred in your chest. You hadn’t had a single official check-up. You didn’t even know how far along you were. And there had been so many sleepless nights, clutched around the ache in your chest, thinking of what you had lost and everything you were now responsible for.
What if your sadness had soaked into the child? What if your heartache had done something wrong?
“Y/n, this is Madja.” Azriel said as he approached where you sat on the bed. “She’s the best there is. She’s brought me back from the brink of death more times than I’d like to admit.”
Madja arched a brow and gave Azriel a dry look. “And yet somehow, he still insists on throwing himself into danger like it’s a paid hobby.”
“Because it kind of is.” Azriel replied with some humor in his hazel eyes. “Perks of being the Night Court’s spymaster and all.”
“Perks,” Rosanna said with a huff, both her and Madja fixing him with identical unimpressed stares. Even his shadows paused mid-drift, their inky tendrils hovering above him in silent judgment. If your nerves weren’t on edge, you might’ve laughed at the scene before you.
Then, Madja turned to you with a small smile. “May I?” She asked, motioning to the space next to your bed.
You nodded, unsure if your voice would work even if you tried. Azriel and Rosanna took the cue to excuse themselves, slipping quietly out of the room to give you privacy.
Madja sat next to you, her movements steady and practiced. She pulled out some ointment from her worn leather bag before settling it down on the floor. She gave you a kind look, the kind only time and experience could carve into a healer’s face.
“You’ll feel some pressure,” she said as she applied a bit of the glowing salve to her hand. “But it shouldn’t hurt.”
You forced a breath into your lungs. “Okay,” you managed, your voice barely a whisper. You couldn’t tell if your heart was pounding from fear or excitement or something in between.
Madja motioned for you to sit back and you followed her instructions, lifting your gown up to expose your stomach to her. She placed a firm hand on your stomach and you could feel her magic pulse beneath her fingertips, a warm sensation spreading over you.
There was a beat of silence. Then another.
Then—movement.
Your breath caught in your throat. You had felt your baby move before but not like this. This felt stronger than the usual, delicate flutter you’d feel every now and then.
“There,” Madja said softly. “Did you feel that?”
You nodded again, stunned. The life inside of you, moving eagerly beneath Madja’s touch. Your baby was very much alive and growing. Maybe, just maybe, despite all your sadness, your baby was okay.
But then Madja’s expression shifted. Her brows furrowed faintly and your heart skipped a beat. “What is it?” you asked, fearing the worst.
Madja didn’t answer at first. She was still, palm still flat to your belly. Her gaze was distant as if she was sensing something. She exhaled slowly, her eyes lifting to meet yours.
“The babe has fire in their blood.”
“What…," you struggled with the right words, too many worrying thoughts clouding your mind. "What does that mean?”
“It’s not a bad thing,” she said carefully. “But to feel that kind of magic pulsing through this early…” Her voice trailed off as her eyes moved over you again, her gaze calculating. “It means the baby will be strong and gifted. Like the—”
Madja stopped herself, sensing your growing unease.
But she didn’t need to finish. Like the father, she was going to say. Like–like Eris.
Madja hadn’t known but she knew it was not you who was able to wield fire. There was no reason to tell her about the father. Or at least, you didn’t think there’d be. You could see it click into place for her, who the father must be, for the child to radiate that kind of power. Her eyes lingered on yours with a silent understanding.
“As for your progress,” she continued, shifting her tone to something lighter, more clinical, though the wary look hadn’t left her eyes, “you’re nearly at the halfway mark.”
Your thoughts reeled, scrambling for the math. Your heart plummeted as your suspicions were confirmed. It was that night. The night Eris broke your heart. The night he pushed you away and you’d been too distraught to remember the tonic the following morning.
You swallowed hard, the ache pressing behind your eyes.
“But the baby is okay, right?”
“Oh, yes.” Madja’s nod was immediate, certain enough to ease some of the weight off your chest. She pressed her hand a little more, and your baby stirred again in response. A soft, gentle smile curved her lips. “Would you like to know the gender?”
“Yes,” you breathed.
“It’s a girl.”
“A girl,” you echoed in wonder, tears pricking your eyes.
You were having a girl. A daughter.
You could already imagine her, soft and perfect, curled in your arms. You felt yourself smile, even as tears slipped free. The words lit something in your chest. Something so tender and bright. You hadn’t realized how much you needed this–this moment of peace and hope.
You were so overwhelmed with emotion that you hadn’t realized you’d sent them down through the bond until you felt a response. A tug. Eris. You felt the flicker of his confusion, maybe even concern.
Your chest tightened, your hand resting protectively over your stomach. Would he be as happy as you were, knowing the life you carried inside was a daughter?
a/n: I debated on waiting on revealing the gender until reader gave birth but decided why wait? Eris, however, can wait a little longer to know. How do we think he'd react to a daughter?
I dropped some hints for the next part 👀
Also, I am just as bad as SJM with names, so I figured Az's mom name should be related to Rose, considering she lives in Rosehall. Hope you enjoyed me including Az & his mom being cat lovers ❤️
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