.｡･ﾟara ｡･ﾟ☆ @whoisaras-world - Tumblr Blog

ONE LOOK

pairing: actor!Satoru x fem!reader

summary: you're the only one that can't see the love blooming and Satoru takes the step to make you fall for him.

warnings: mostly fluff with a hint angst, kinda 'stalker' Satoru (but nothing you have to worry about), MDNI. Mentions of sexual, child/domestic and psychological abuse, toxic industry, slight self-harm, OCD, anxiety and depression, mentions of suicide attempts, suggestive.

note: to be honest this is my favourite chapter because i can show you a 2 vulnerable versions of Satoru like him asking us out in a super romantic date, but i also take him out of the 'perfection' he 'lives' in through his past, it was so thrilling to write this side of him even when it broke my heart a lil bit.

But with this chapter i BEG you to proceed with caution, it has themes that even when they're not explicit, it could be disturbing/distressing for some of you, i put dividers where the sensitive part is, so if you don't want to read that part you could skip it and read the rest of the chapter, as always lemme know what you think and enjoy!

wanna see rockstar!Choso? or maybe object!Satoru?

series m.list

<prev chapter - next chapter> posting every Wednesday!

m.list

It's been 4 months since the shooting of the movie ended and you started having dates with Satoru, but weren't still dating.

He was the one that took the steep and reassured you everything between you would be alright, all sunshine and flowers.

Satoru took you to different places, at first all of them were private dates in restaurants and places only certain people could go in, people that had strict contracts and didn't let them slip a word out of their mouth.

Slowly, he took you to places ‘less’ private, because you still had to make reservations or be part of some ‘club’ only rich people could be part of, paying an awful amount of service charges.

You felt out place, the idea that you didn't deserve him or that life was deeply engraved on the depth of your brain, whispering ‘you don't belong here, you don't have the right to date him’, but every time Satoru saw your eyes losing their light, he was quick to bring you back, and make you remember why you gave him this opportunity.

Without exception, Satoru looked dazzlingly stunning after it, a halo of light behind him with your heart in his hands, taking the most softest and beautiful care, as if it was the most precious thing in the world.

After 4 months, you were sure this was your heart beating for him, it wasn't for his looks, nor his money or the places he took you to.

You forgot a long time ago about the idea of running away from what you had with Choso, you didn't even realise when you stopped running to stop and stare at Satoru, ready for a new start with him.

But maybe you weren't too obvious about it, maybe you had to talk with him about it, tell him how you feel and that you were ready, ask him to finally ask you out.

The first month you were patient, maybe he was nervous or shy, maybe he was being a total gentleman, waiting for you to give the green light. But either those gorgeous eyes were blind or he was so oblivious about your position, cause seemed to refuse to see the obvious clues.

The second month you convinced your mind that he was courting you the right way, the old way but still were nervous.

The third month you were pissed and ready to speak your mind, if it was your time to take the step, well, you'll have to do it.

The sleepless night you spent on his place didn't help, especially because it wasn't the sleepless night you wanted. Only tossing and turning around on the bed of his room, his smell making you dizzy but confused at the lack of his presence, he said he would take one of the ‘spare rooms’ he had on his big house, with a knot on the pit of your stomach, the clear indicator of your anxiety, the next morning you'll date him.

But, oh well, life was determined to not give you what you want, huh?

That morning you heard him moving in the kitchen, a delicious smell came to the room you were in, checking the reflection for the last time you gave yourself a small path on your shoulder, giving you the courage you needed.

When you opened the door, you heard him talking, whispering to be exact, he was on a call for what you could catch on the way to the kitchen.

“No, no-, listen, no, let's say i'm… hey, listen, it's a friend, okay? I'm just spending time with a friend” he wasn't talking about you right? you weren't ‘just a friend’, he didn't friendzone you just weren't slipped out of his bed, right?

Right?

You still weren't official, but you were about to throw yourself at the pool to realise it was actually empty?

“Yeah, i'll call you later” he said before hanging up, letting a sigh out of his lips before looking at the pan on the stove again, he hasn't seen you yet. Your body was in protection mode, arms crossed over your chest, with your index finger tapping on your bicep, your eyebrows up as you looked at him suppressing the lump on your throat.

“So i'm a ‘friend’ you're spending time with?” You didn't want it to make it sound like that, but the harsh tone on your voice didn't help, it was your way of protecting yourself.

“No, i-” Satoru jumped startled at the sound of your voice at his back, turning to see you slowly.

“No? I heard you, Satoru, you're gonna deny it now, huh?”, you walked to him, getting close to the kitchen in big steps, closing the distance between you, “if you don't want this anymore, I would be thankful with you to tell me, so i can stop my feelings before i fall harder and became your plaything” you said with tears pricking your eyes, your voice wasn't harsh anymore, it was weak and with a hint of fear.

“No! No, it's not that i don't want to be with you, but…”, you saw him searching for a place to hide in, “but what, Satoru? what?” you said as you put your hands on the bar of his kitchen, “there's some things i haven't told you before we started having dates and it will make me sound like a creep, and i don't want to-, ugh…” he covered his eyes with palms with his fingers buried on his hair, it was weird seeing him with out his black dark glasses, and he looked with a different aura, a pure one.

Usually you felt like he could see through you, but now you feel like you're the one that can see through him, every little secret he tried to hide deep in his chest, appearing before your eyes like neon lights, his eyes expressed worry and tiredness.

His mind was into a big dilemma, either telling you the truth or breaking down one of his walls for you to see more of him.

Satoru was a well-known actor, famous for his impeccable character interpretation, he could hide the biggest of his secrets right in front of everyone's noses like a magician entertaining 4 year olds.

How could you read him as easily as reading a magazine? It wasn't worth it anymore, he had to show you the dark side he hadn't let anyone see before.

“If you want all of the story, you'll have to sit”, he waited for you to sit to take place, “well then, we have all of the time” you took a seat on his sofa, but Satoru sat on the other side of the sofa, not at your side like usually, leaving 2 seats that created an abysmal space on the expensive sofa of his.

Satoru was always trying to protect himself, but nothing left him this unprotected, nothing made him feel this exposed, not even his father's death made him feel like this.

He took a deep inhale to take the courage for whatever he was about to say, curling up on the sofa, hugging his knees tight to his chest, like something was about to hurt him psychally, and you realised that you have never seen him like this, with this level of vulnerability.

The lack of his fun and bright personality take you out of place, and at your sepulchral silence, he started.

“I didn't have the usual and normal life everyone else had, since my mother got pregnant i was only a mere spectacle between two famous actors, the proof of ‘their love’ but i will not talk about that, they basically didn't love each other, nor me” a big sigh left out his lips, “it was my fate to become an actor, i am their legacy, be as good as them, so as i grew up, well… it wasn't bright and warm, and after my father's death i felt guilty because i was happy he wasn't finally controlling me or my life, my mother never moved a finger for me” he left his extended arms hanging on his knees, playing with his fingers out of nervousness.

“I was used to having my life all planned and together when i found this video of two crazy guys ragging on everything on their music video and i got really curious, maybe it was staged but it couldn't be real. How could anyone act like that on something that thousands of people would watch? who would be this crazy to produce and shoot that? and then i found your name on the credit roll as co-director and…” a breathy laugh left you with the memory of the crazy duo and their awfully savage ideas.

“And then i found more of it, of you, cause none of the directors were that solid as you were, the authenticity not only with this duo, but with more artist under this label and you were the only constant with those artist and the music videos” he was staring at the scenery, you noticed he did that particularly when he wanted to disconnect and run away from his pain.

“And i don’t know… i guess i got obsessed with you and your work, i watched the videos over and over again till i couldn't notice any other detail, i felt like i personally met you, like we were close friends, i tried guessing what would you do with the next mv, and got excited when you changed to some other concept, especially with that last band you were with” his eyes started to look red and glassy, like if he was about to cry at any moment but was holding back.

“Some friend told me she knew someone that worked with you and that you were interested in the cinematography field and… i only said that ‘it would be amazing if i can work with her one day’ and let her pull the strings gently” the corner of his lips started to go up faintly, “i didn't thought it would actually work, but i wanted it to let if flow, it the production was interest on you, great, i would finally meet you, if don't, well maybe i wasn't destined to know you” he shook his head and hugged his knees “but you did it amazingly and even the managers got nervous when they saw your name and curriculum, i swear i was jumping out of happiness when the staff told me you would be working with us”.

“When you first talked to me and asked for a photo i felt like a ‘fan’ for the first time, and it was a ‘dream come true’, my ‘distance friend’ that didn't know about our friendship was asking me for a photo? my ego went to the moon and back, i didn't realise when i started seeking more of your attention, trying to do ‘small chat’, but you answered me with an unusual truth that got me trapped instantly… and then you questioned me back and dared me, with things i didn't even think about before, and i comprehend i fell in love with you many months ago”.

He tried to get smaller on his spot, this time covering his head with his arms, but you saw the redness on the back of his neck, shame run all over his body “but then i discovered you were with that rockstar and well, my hopes died soon” his voice sounded more and more muffled on his next start “to be honest i was happy when you broke up with him, but i didn't like to see you sad and miserable, with your heartbroken, and well you know the rest of that”.

He turned to see you, “the thing is… this now seems planned, like a perfect plan i orchestrated and i feel awful, cause why if you don't love for what i am? what if you only like me because i made it happen? what if you don't like me anymore because i basically stalked you?” he said with a more strangled voice with each word that came out of his mouth, you saw fear in his blue eyes, this time they weren't a light shiny blue, this time they seemed with a deep blue and dull, maybe it was the indirect light that turned them off, but Satoru still looked like a mess and out place, his perfect persona no longer in sight.

“I will understand if you're not interested on me anymore, and-”

And that sight made your heart skip a beat, making your throat uncomfortable, but you couldn't hold back your smile back anymore, nor your soft laugh “oh Satoru, but i already knew that”. Satoru was sure you were playing jokes on him, playing with his feelings when he heard your answer, you were saying all of that time you knew about his ‘obsession’ with you and you were still willing to date him?

“What?” He asked with a perplexed look, “i don't understand i-”

“You're not too smooth about it, you know?” you sat closer to him when you saw the tears falling down his cheeks, cupping his face in your hands “i'm… i'm glad it's because of that that you didn't ask me out before, and not because of anything else” you gave him an eskimo kiss, his nose against yours, he was trying to hold back his whines and cries.

As you caressed his cheeks, you gave him a more elaborated answer with your perspective “you noticed the small details that not even the fans figured it out, because you were seeing me through the artist i was working with, noticed how i always connected something between the mv's, and told me about it with a super excited face, the first time i thought it was pure coincidence, but it didn't happen just one time, it happened more than 3 times, that was my first hint” you lower your hand to his shoulder, gracing your fingers on the bare skin of his arm till you reached his hand, making slow circles on his palm.

“You also tasted the waters about my relationship with Choso, like if you knew something previously, and you didn't try anything even if you “didn't know i was dating him”, but i didn't see any surprise in your eyes when i told you about it, maybe you knew it because of the media, maybe because you saw him on the set picking me up, or maybe because you paid enough attention on me” shrugging your shoulders as you looked at the ground, “so yeah, i already knew, toru”.

Your other hand left his cheeks and flew to the center of his chest, feeling his heart beat faster at your touch. He placed his hand over yours with his eyes closed and tears still falling down his cheeks, enjoying the moment. “You really don't want to end this?” he asked afraid of your answer, “cause if you change your mind now i swear I would go in my knees and beg for you to stay” the corner of his lips started to go up, “uhm, no, i'm sure of my decision, i've been for a long time, all i want is you” you heart was also beating fast, this was the first time you spoke without any filter after months of holding yourself back.

You were afraid to fall in love again, you were afraid of getting heartbroken again, you were afraid things ended up bad again, but Satoru gave you hope, and made you feel comfortable and in constant search of his presence.

Satoru felt like he was falling in love with you all over again, erasing the paths of his tears from his cheeks he started to laugh, just a little, but it was the most real you have seen him really laugh “lemme prepare something to ask you out, okay?” you only nodded in response.

The rest of the day you spend it talking about what you wanted for the relationship, at first it was weird, you never imagined talking about those things, but some things should be changed if you wanted different results, and Satoru made it easy for you.

3 days after you talk, he made you stay with him the night and woke you up pretty early. You whined and complained when you saw the hour on your phone “3:27 am, really Satoru?” but he didn't fight you, just told to get ready with the things he prepared for you.

It was unusual he stayed silent all the way to whenever he wanted to take you “are you sure we're going in the right direction? cause Satoru this looks… suspicious” you said as you looked at the deserted road but he kept going on for another hour.

When he told you you finally arrived, it was 6:06 am, a bunch of people were already waiting for you, and while you seemed nervous, Satoru looked like he was fighting for his life.

The nervousness became stronger when you saw why you were in the middle of nowhere at almost dawn. Satoru planned a ‘hot air balloon date’, just to ask you out.

If he doesn't ask you out on this date, then there's anything else that could beat this.

You doubted at first, but Satoru never let go of your hand, giving you the necessary courage to go into the basket, the fear soon forgotten when you saw the sun rising in the sky, golden rays sneaking through the clouds and the whole scenery. The higher the balloon went, the colder it was and you understood why Satoru bothered to bundle you into heavy clothes.

You felt your cheeks and eyes burning when you turned to see Satoru, and saw him contemplating at you instead of the sky, he held your hands and squeezed his body against yours “maybe you think this is dramatic and exaggerated, but i don't think you deserve less than to get a proposition like this, if you ever doubted about my love for you, please keep in mind that i think that not even the earth deserves you, and that's what i'm asking you in the air, so... will you do me the honour to be my girlfriend?”.

If you weren't 600 meters above the ground, you would jump on him and climb him like a raccoon on a tree, but you had to hold back just enthusiastically nodding ‘yes, yes, yes, yes Toru”, wrapping your arms around his neck and shoulders, with the morning sun witnessing your love, Satoru finally kissed you after months of waiting.

When your small ‘trip’ above the sky ended, Satoru gave you a big bouquet of flowers, and a small gift. A delicate ring with a blue heart stone-shaped, pairing up with the necklace Satoru was wearing, the same shape, the same colour, his eyes colour, but he only showed it to you after you said ‘yes’.

You already acted like a couple, but after you started dating officially Satoru never left your side, the days on the new set were short and with more ‘break’ days because the budget was lower, and Satoru didn't have any other film to shoot, just promotions, so it wasn't unusual you spend all of the week on Satoru's apartment or going out to different places, and he showed you his version of ‘fun’.

Like the golf camp, which if it wasn't for the little car you begged Satoru to drive, you would be bored to death.

He taught you how to play and some tricks he was a specialist on. The first 30 minutes were interesting as he taught you and showed you the place, but you really doubted Satoru had fun playing golf, making you roll your eyes when you saw him yawning.

The shine and bright sun of the afternoon didn't help either, burning your skin and making Satoru look like a tomato.

“Lemme drive the cart, we'll have a lot more fun”, you said as you looked at him pleading, “please, it's one of my dreams to drive one of those things”, Satoru took his time thinking before nodding “okay, but you have to be careful, sweets”. It took you only two seconds to drive to max capacity of the little cart, turning and drifting in the way of the golf camp, making Satoru bury his nails on the seat, as both of you jumped when you passed a big bump on the road, taking a laugh out of you when you both gravitate over the seats and almost turn the cart to the side if you didn't stop at the right moment.

One of your hands was still holding the wheel and the other went to grab the arm Satoru put in front of your torso to ‘protect' you, neither of you could breath with the loud laugh you couldn't hold back, “you're never gonna drive again” he said half laughing, half coughing “oh please, we needed that laugh" and before Satoru could ‘argue’ back, one of the members of the staff was walking towards you.

You weren't supposed to do any of that, the rules stated that you couldn't exceed the speed limit, nor the noise of your voices, and more shitty rules that were pure bullshit.

A skinny and languid boy with a dark green shirt got close to you “excuse me, i hope you and your husband are having a great time but unfortunately we got a notification that this cart was exceeding the speed limit and a lot of-” you smiled as the guy stopped watching his tablet and turned to look at Satoru, his bored voice turning into a nervous one, his eyes stopping on Satoru's white hair, then to his eyes under his glasses and lastly to the smug smirk on his face “ah… Mr. Gojo, we didn't-, i'm sorry, i will notify my superiors that there is any problem here, and i beg you to please accept my apology for disturbing your precious time”, he was an inch away from going into his knees if Satoru gave the poor boy that look again.

“You should stop doing that” you said as you watched the boy go as quickly as he could, talking through his monitor, “do what? I didn't do anything, i didn't even say a word” he answered making you sigh, starting the cart again, this time driving on the average speed limit to the exit of the camp, “it's my father’s fault” Satoru said, he wasn't looking at you, he pretended looked at the scenery, but you noticed him staring at nothing, “everytime he brought me and my mother here, he was very clear he didn't want any interruption, sometimes he was… pretty rude with the staff of the place, but no one could ever dare to say anything because of the influence my parents had, if they decided this place didn't fit their liking anymore and decided to not come back, it would be the ruin of the club” in his voice appear that hint of grudge he always had whenever he talked about his parents, but some notes of sadness also appeared.

“You know, shareholders, exclusive members and all that shit” it wasn't usual he opened like this about his family, so when he did, you listen carefully, making sure not scaring him or cutting his inspiration, this special memory looked like a bitter one, Satoru was chewing on his lip before continuing “all of the paparazzis waited at the entrance of the camp, waiting for us to make our apparition… every 3rd sunday of the month we came here, looking like the perfect family while the other days the forget i was their son” his voice sounded with more grudge with each word that left his lips, before you took his hand, pulling it on your lap when you stopped the cart, intertwining your fingers making him snap out of his memory “but today i had a great time, even when we didn't play any golf at all” he said now looking at you with a small smile “yeah, i knew it, you don't like golf!” you recriminated and saw his face and shoulders relax.

Satoru didn't talk about his parents or his sensitive side till 4 months after you started dating. Just tiny things like “i only talk with my mother when it's my birthday or hers”, a hint of “oh, that surely was fun” when you told him details of your childhood, maybe a “mmh no, i only have 2 close friends, my parents controlled that too” after you told him about Nobara and Yuji.

But the straw that broke the camel's back was one afternoon on his bed, it started with you kissing him a little too intense, running your nails along his arms muscles, giving him shivers but relaxing him, his hands gripping on your hips pulling your closer, but your hand going under his shirt made him jump in fear, also scaring you “oh, did i hurt you? sorry”

You knew Satoru was careful with the intimate touches, his skin was susceptible and maybe you were too used to being rougher. But Satoru shaking his head confused you, “i- i think we should stop, i'm not ready and-” he tried to justify it but you saw him all pent up down there, with a blush on his cheeks and his blown out pupils also gave him away.

“Okay, it's okay” you told him, trying to reach from his cheeks before dodging your hand, “Toru, what's wrong? if i hurted you, you can tell me-”, he shook his head again “no, it's not that, it's not you, it's-” the deep blue eyes came back again, as if they were lifeless.

The dim light of windows hitting on the bed and his skin, making him look like an angel without his wings “i don't feel comfortable with sexual interactions because i don't have a ‘pretty’ past with it” he said trying to avoid looking at you, scratching his skin in clear indicator of his anxiety “oh… well, we don't have to do anything, and you don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to”, you said with a small voice, feeling guilty for wanting to do more.

“I want to do more, and i want to tell you about it because i don't you to think that i don't desire you, i've been waiting for this moment for so long, but my mind keeps bringing up those bad memories and mixing it when we try to do something and i'm so frustrated that i feel dirty everytime you touch me, i don't want to feel like this" each word more broken than the other as he tried to explain himself, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

You reached for him, slowly gracing your knuckles with his cheek, “c'mere, put your head on my lap”, laying your back on the headboard, and getting more comfortable on the bed.

His feelings eased a bit when you started scratching his head, almost making him fall asleep “the industry i grew up in was a total nightmare, i never had a family besides the last name, none of my parents took care of me no matter how much i cried when i was little, appealing to hurt me with rough words or hits to make me keep quiet, but being careful none of them showed in case the cameras could catch it, it was worse as i grew up, telling me how ‘useless' i was, and it didn't stop till after my father's death” he closed his eyes “without my father close, my mother finally turned a blind eye on me, sometimes playing like the ‘poor widow’ and the 'poor single mother', i got the habit of scratching till i draw blood whenever my anxiety hit me, it happened after each time i saw her, but even if my parents weren't exceptional ones, they always protected me in some way or another in the industry, but my desire of being loved lead to wrong decisions”.

“In some way i feel responsible and stupid about it, cause i accepted everyone that showed me a bit of kindness or admiration” his sigh made things set heavier. You knew where this path was going to take you, but you never imagined how much it would hurt your heart. “I refugiated into collecting and spending money on games, but soon wasn't enough, especially after i felt like my life wasn't worth it, not too brave to end it, not too brave to keep going as usual, not too valuable for my parents to love me… the first time it happened was after my father's death, this woman was my ‘close friend' and showed me support while i was grieving, but some things led to another, and i was too drunk to think more about it when she was already above me and-” his voice broke into a hurt whine, you kept running your fingers into his head “Toru, you really don't have to keep going” the knot on your throat didn't let you say more, neither the shake of Satoru's head.

“After that I fell into a toxic spiral of bad friendships, decisions and people that only used me like a stepping stone” he grabbed one of your wrists and brought it close to his lips, giving a small kiss like if you were the one exposing your soul, “i thought that that was the freedom i waited my whole life, but i was wrong, the media and the people around me just were close to see through my weakness, pouring more salt on the wound, hitting my soft spot over an over again to see how much i could handle before snapping, calling me awful names, exposing the sexual life i didn't like nor want it, mocking on the characters and productions i worked on”.

“It didn't help seeing some of ‘my friends’ that also grew up with me falling into drugs, and even dying because of them, ruined by stupid rumours that led them to suicide” his Adam's apple bobbing up and down, tightening the knot on your stomach.

“For some time i forced myself to feel good, like if it was supposed to happen like that, like everyone experienced the same things, but i didn't like it, everytime i hate deeply, and after years of abuse, i decided that love wasn't made for me… i wasn't made to love or be loved”.

He then open his eyes, looking at you straight in the eye “and then i found you, making my heart beat fast and strong, making me yearn for you to only look at me, giving me hope when you said you were interested on me” he then started playing with you fingers, kissing each one of your fingerpads and lastly your palm.

The light of the afternoon now looked warmer when you saw the small smile on his lips, his eyes were glassy but now with the bright blue back, “and looking so freaking pretty when you tell me you love me” his voice pouring honey, full of love, you couldn't hold it any longer “can i kiss you?” you asked, he laughed and nodded, his soft lips made you melt with him, he put your hand on his chest when you broke the kiss “i'm not gonna hurt you, Toru, i swear, you're safe with me” you said before giving him another kiss, this time he broke the kiss “mmh… i know, that's why i choose you” he answered with a smug smirk.

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