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Fear of Man.

My freshman year of college a few of my friends decided to become certified in life guarding to make some extra money that summer. I had a good job as a manager working 40 hours a week, but I figured I could replace a few days with life guarding and make a ton more money. Plus all my friends were doing it so why not- life guarding is easy you just sit there.

I paid the 150$ application fee, never practiced once, had no clue what to expect and showed up to my first day with a two piece under my clothes thinking we’d probably not swim the first day. There’s always an orientation day. Mistake number 1- so I had to wear a shirt in the water. What ever I can do this I thought until I was told we had to swim 16 laps- 4 laps of each stroke- there and back counted as 1 in an olympic sized pool. WHAT THE HECK. No one else seemed alarmed by this, but I was standing there in fear...trembling... wondering how to leave...but I rode with my friends there and I already paid the money with no refunds given... so I was trapped. I figured if I just went first I could get it out of the way- so I volunteered to be in the first group and strategically placed myself next to people who I felt I could out swim. About lap two my body was DONE.

Seriously I was dying and had no clue what all those other strokes even looked like that I was supposed to be switching to. I don’t even remember the other 14 laps...I think I somewhat blacked out... but I do remember thinking the whole time this is it God...this is how I die from exhaustion...or I quit...but I can’t because it’ll be so embarrassing...but I want to SO BAD. I resorted in the always faithful back stroke to finish the 10 of 16 laps and finished last...behind the second group who went after our group.

I got out of the water and it was so awkward. It was clear I’d never swam any type of stroke before and didn’t practice, so I’m sure they were thinking we can’t pass this girl. But I finished..and they said there was no time limit so I had an argument ready just in case.

I thought that was it for the day until we were told to move onto phase two. A 10 pound weight was dropped into the deep end. We had to swim across- dive down- grab the weight and swim on our back to the others side with it on our chest. I think I shed a tear when I heard that and chose to go last. I breathed more water then I did breath air just trying to get to the other side.

The training was two weeks straight- 9am-5 and I ended up completing the whole thing in which the trainer said she was very proud of me, and I quit my first week. I hated life guarding- it was so boring. I actually think I didn’t even set up my payment because I knew I wasn’t into it- I worked 1 shift and said don’t worry about paying me I’m done and never came back.

I was sitting at the park the other day after feeling so overwhelmed for the past week and this story came to mind. I really didn’t understand why and started laughing at how dumb I was. Why in the world did I think I could do this and what kept me doing it when I knew the first day this was nothing I wanted to do.

And so I asked- God why did you bring this to mind...nothing...so I started just looking through my journal I had with me and came to this page.

2/25/2016- I think I was going through Galations and writing some thoughts down. It started with Ch 1: There are some people whose purpose is to cloud and distort the gospel. There is no other gospel. Galations 1:10- For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If i were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Then I wrote God is above Man...in order to know you must know what pleases the Lord.

1 Cor- “being filled w/ the knowledge of God’s will in all spiritual wisdom & understanding > bearing fruit in every good work.”

The weird thing was this day was 2/25 too- 1 year later.

I heard the Lord remind me of weight I felt on my chest as I was struggling to swim after I was so tired from the other laps and the thoughts I had of why in the heck am I doing this the whole time just to prove I could and not look weak and like a failure.

And I heard the Lord say Kayla this desire is so deeply rooted in you- you’re swimming on a path right now that feels like that because it always runs up current- you are trying to please man and fear disappointing people and you will always feel this overwhelmed and weighed down unless you die to that fear and desire. There are times you do please people and succeed but it wasn’t without so much time and effort because essentially you do disappoint people- man will never be pleased. They demand more... they expect more... and command more, like the pharaoh in Egypt...but I am pleased in you as those baby ducks over there that are following their mother I want you to follow me and rest in my power and provision.

How many times do we make decisions based on fear that we do not even realize it anymore? It has been so engraved into our identity that we do it habitually- thinking we are making a sound decision, but not realizing the fear driving it.

It could be in an attempt to keep self preservation- not wanting people or circumstances to affect or hurt you. It could be for control- not wanting any surprises or things to pop up that could leave you helpless or appear weak. It could be not wanting to disappoint people. It could be not wanting people to see the real you and so you work so hard to maintain this Christian facade. It could even be fear of getting your hopes up or believing things can change, so you wallow in your struggles and feelings and don’t fight or ask Christ to free you from them.

Living in fear is like quicksand. Restricting and painful.

I realized lately how much I operate in fear. Living to please man will crush you and you will constantly feel crushed by the weight because you are not made to bare it.

When I took a step back these last few weeks it’s been really hard but eye opening. Fear of people leads me to do a lot of things I “Should” but never things I really want to do. It is restricting me from expressing my feelings sometimes, my ideas, my thoughts and essentially myself.

A few areas I found in my life are I fear my relationship with God will suffer so I should spend time with him at this time. I don’t want people at church to ask me whats wrong and fear they think I’m always a mess, so I’ll smile more this Sunday and stay silent until I’m passed the mess and can explain it logically and not emotionally. I’m fearful to admit I’m incapable or doing everything asked of me, so I’ll pile more on my plate and schedule to show I can do it. My friends and I don’t get to talk or hang out much as we used to, so I send texts out of fear to check in and still feel connected and make sure we’re “okay.” I’m fearful of failing so I’ll set the bar really low inside so I know I’ll surpass it. I’m fearful of failing so i set the bar super high knowing I’ll never reach it anyways and it was unrealistic. I fear my inlaws or parents are upset if too much time passes between me seeing them, so I should send a text or schedule a dinner- to keep the peace. I fear I’m spending too much. I fear I’m too stingy. I fear I’m out of balance and can’t maintain everything and every relationship I have.

So I believe a lot of times this fear is rooted in lies we are believing about God and ourself which flows out to others. A few I’ve spotted personally are:

You are not the most special, complex person in the world. God made you and He loves you and understands you. You can not figure out yourself so stop self analyzing everything you do and why you do it and comparing yourself to other women all in an attempt to control yourself and your environment more. Fear is a lot of times a very selfish way to live. We expect everyone else to tip toe and be aware of your fears and insecurities. You put expectations on people and yourself that aren’t meant to be there or you numb yourself have no expectations so no one can disappoint or affect you. You get your feelings hurt so easily at the thought of perceived failure or disappointment. Constant Anxiety, depression- worry- anger- blaming all in an attempt to establish yourself higher and stronger then you were created to be. You are not God. You do not have the weight on your shoulders to save mankind. You are not people’s savior. You do not have to spend hours filtering your coffee instagram photo or documenting every second of your life on snap chat. You do not have to smile always or laugh always or cry always. What pressure are you putting on yourself to be perfect or fit some cultural mold?

You do not have to conform to the world and I fear that we are blurring the lines between being a Christian and creating some sort of edgy Christian that contains SO MUCH PRESSURE. The world will never love us. We are not meant to appear all put together.

You’re messy..breathe it’s okay.

“I’m good” mindset.

When you have a “i’m good” attitude, it’s not that we should fear when things are good, or not enjoy or share that we are in fact in a sweet season of our lives. Those are real moments and so sweet when they occur, and yet, quickly fear of whats next can creep out as we brace for the blow we expect to be around the corner that quickly robs us of the joy that was destined to be blessed to us in those moments.

We should though take a step back, and ask ourselves a few questions. Are we still being teachable in these seasons or has pride consumed our hearts and hardened them around our own carved self idol? Are we still wanting to learn and surrender and serve in this “i’m doing good” season, or is it really even a “good” season? Are we merely portraying it as one as a defense mechanism of not wanting to admit we are in fact not doing “good?”

It is dangerous when we become unteachable and our curiosity is stifled...when we think we know all we can know and understand how best to do everything and feel the need to verbally express everything. Our sinful hearts scream louder then we realize. We are blind to our own faults, but aware of everyone else's.

Quickly we can start assigning too much weight to our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Our reality because skewed as we become our own God and our own measure of checking ourselves -and others against very quickly.

We need community to engage in our skewed thermometers. The one that we built with temperatures either we can always reach or never reach. I think we go both way in attempts of trying to reach this “balance” I’m not sure the Lord has called us to strive for. Could it be that our striving for balance is masked in a desire for control too?

Marriage is also good for this. It places a thermometer you can’t skew. You feel when something is off so quickly and realize when things are not in fact “good.” And you have a choice- put up the front and pretend it doesn’t exist or surrender and be authentic in the mess- most of the time repenting for some selfishness you didn’t realize seeped through... because well we were measuring ourselves to our own skewed thermometer.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Disappointed- I deserve something else.

I think it hit me last night what word to put on what I've been feeling lately and it's disappointment. Disappointment my life doesn't look the way I thought it should have by now. I'm not as put together as my timeline said I should have been by now. I should have had a full time career, pretty established in it already not sitting here at square 1 again. Or maybe I should have had my own company by now, this dream I struggle with so I plunge it deep in my heart to crush any hope or expectation I have and hopefully become numb to it one day... But i'm not numb- it's not working and when it floods up, man it hurts. & I am feeling deeply right now. Maybe it's disappointment my friends aren't all in one place anymore and I don't feel as close to some as I used to. Disappointment that I have disappointed people and can't meet their expectations all the time- that I have flaws I can't master- that I am an ordinary human incapable of never hurting someone's feelings and always doing the right thing. Disappointment that some of my childhood aspirations haven't come true like I was told they would because well I could be anything I wanted when I grew up. Disappointment people don't act the way I think they should sometimes. Disappointment that it took God until I was 24 to give me a husband- why not earlier when I felt more put together. There is a real loss endured with disappointment and I know for a lot of people it's the loss of a loved one and I don't want to diminish those feelings in anyway. It's real raw emotion you're feeling, but for the case of this post I want to name it control and self for a minute. Disappointment is a thought that leads to a real emotion, but when we choose to only look through it we miss the blessings we do have. It can convince us we were meant for something, someone or somewhere else. It can quickly become the only thing we fixate on and escalate to an anger at God that He isn't doing what we expect or deserve, or that He isn't giving us the life we want...so are you really good God? It is the same temptation Eve was faced in the garden behind a new mask in our land of opportunity and independence. The slight whisper that "this life or that life would have been better, but it's not too late... You can still have it." It's like dangling your favorite dessert in front of you over and over. You feel that God is holding out on you. The truth is this picture of our life and what it should look like is probably not Gods total plan for us and we have to be okay with dying to self and having faith that God has our best in His will and that even includes today- this moment. It doesn't mean we shut down all hope or expectations we have in life to avoid future disappointment and it also doesn't mean we excuse or accept abusive and sinful behaviors in ourselves or others for the sake of avoiding disappointment that it could one day change. (In fact I'm not speaking to abuse in anyway so please don't try and apply this to that.) I think this emotion of disappointment is inevitable, but even in these moments you see people in the bible going straight to God with their anger and frustrations and He restored them with a hope in HIM not their circumstances. Face the truth that right now today you feel disappointment. And hopefully allow this time of going to the Lord allow you to see the life He has blessed you with right now and lead you to dream and wonder again. It might help if you make a quick list because a lot of times we feel so clouded in disappointment we don't even remember why we are feeling it. And please please stop crushing your hope and the hope of others. It is prideful and controlling to try and diminish any hope and expectations you have about things all the time and at the root of it you are fearful that you'll be in fact disappointed again, and you will be inevitably, but lets start here first- do you trust your God is good and has your best always and if not why?

Where do you feel He's disappointed you in the past?

Fig leaves...

I in my heart have been rebelling against this season of advent. I don't really care to spend time with God right now and remember- I'm angry inside- so, I've really despised it and feel insecure even admitting that publicly like a pouty child. Despite my Instagram feed- I feel that lately the Lord has stripped me of my busyness and I feel exposed before him- no fig leaves left to cover myself anymore but that doesn't mean I havnt tried in my own attempts to find other fig leaves- other identities. Our church culture even celebrates busyness more then we might think we do, but it's a front most of the time. Sunday morning rolls around and you ask someone how their week was and the #1 word you'll hear is "busy" and it's celebrated- eyes light up and you cling to know what they did this week and then measure it against your own "busyness." But lately I've had nothing to offer- nothing to measure against and I feel pointless. Busy defines me and I've enjoyed it that way- it hides me from my reality and I enjoy that as well- or do I? Bc if I really take a step back the constant busyness makes me an inch deep in a million things pulling my heart and emotions everywhere until I'm exhausted. And then I wake up the next morning still exhausted until eventually I forgot what I was even avoiding in the first place- the hurt, insecurities or shame I'm feeling. Busyness is our present fig leaf and when it is pulled away we flee for more control or another type of leaf to hide behind. We as Christ seeking women shouldn't celebrate it/ I know there are seasons, but to find comfort and create unnecessary busyness is sinful- we are trying to hide from God as Adam and Eve did to hide their shame. What are you hiding from? Come into the light. You're not alone.

"The grass is greener over there..."

This is my mind right now. Literally sitting here looking at this frame I just bought to use at my wedding and I'm not sure if this will make any sense but here we go. Today I've been thinking about work and purpose a lot and how I honestly put so much of my value and worth into what I do. It's the first question people ask you- "what do you do?" I feel like I was more "put together" in college- funny right because some of you are thinking "well you're getting married" and yes it's so exciting and I love Matthew so dearly, but a person or wedding or title like fiancée or engagement does not fulfill this deep longing I have and neither will "direction"- as if it's some concrete plan God's required to give us. Stepping away recently from a job I spent many years at and put my heart into, I feel myself so timid and hurting when the question is asked to me "what's next?" I have no clue and i'm ashamed of it. I know God has called me else where but I feel like I should know where right? I've been watching and wondering a lot. People in the store, people on Instagram- blogs online...everyone- avoiding God because I'm fearful and if i'm honest feel this anger and frustration in not knowing what in the heck He is doing right now & my rebellious timid heart withdraws even at the realization I'm really feeling this way and I logically try to justify I don't or numb myself. I keep asking at what point do you feel like you have it all together and then I hear it's not even the Lords will to be totally "put together." It's such an idol I feel my heart wanting to love, our culture cheerleading, but my soul rejecting. To be still in the chaos and mundane of life- what does that even mean. I feel myself have all of these dreams one day and then insecure and stuck in negative self talk shortly after. And I feel the Lord calling me to be still and present, deeply rooted where I am. And I hate that right now bc well I don't see the point yet, but maybe if I stopped for a second to look down I'd see the grass is green where I'm currently standing at and genuinely enjoy it and just maybe I'd quit longing for another patch of grass. I probably wouldn't like that patch either.

Choose Joy.

Such a fun fun time filled with so many memories, friends, new family and did I say GIFTS!? :) I am recently engaged as of August 2016 and getting married in January 2017- inviting about 325 people. yeah. I’m insane... I know…lol I’ve heard it.

I want to write a few posts on engagement. One because I have a ton of friends getting engaged recently, but two because I feel it is a grey area that we walk into, not really understanding what it is or what to expect, so I hope to shed some light on it! && Share your thoughts too!

Honestly, YES!!! -the beginning of engagement was extremely overwhelming. I was working full time, my grandma had a stroke shortly after, Hurricane Matthew came and a lot of my bridal shower invites got lost (& wedding invites for that matter... I’ve just found this out), my immediate family lives 2 1/2 hours away from me, endless tasks- plus I had Thanksgiving, and Christmas in before my wedding date... my budget- what is it? SO MANY UKNOWNS and many I can’t control..but I want to!!! I’ve worked around weddings for the past two years, so that did help, but I was totally absent from the feelings that encompassed planning one, and became humbled pretty fast.

I didn’t enjoy engagement at first and I think people assume that is normal, but I hope to challenge that. I love my fiancé and was so pumped to be with him, but quickly my mind shifted to my to do lists and decisions to make like “who are my bridesmaids, what date, where, money, COLOR SCHEME <3- this that what uhhhh pinterest, more confusion, venues so expensive- lets elope- no…ok how do I do this then?” Anyone relate?? My mind doesn't shut off. I’d like to say that I was oh so holy to realize I wasn’t enjoying my engagement on my own, but it took the gentle correction of my fiancé and a few bickering arguments to make me finally step back and realize I had a big choice to make- more then the colors of my wedding- more then the food or my dress- “Am I going to choose to enjoy this season of engagement, or am I going to let worry and pressures consume me to the point that I can’t wait until it is over & I look back and hate this season.” & I chose to enjoy it & it has been a sweet battle worth fighting ever since.

Here are a few pieces of advice or learning lessons I’ve experienced along the way that I really hope encourage you too!

#1-Your fiancé is your partner- He is not your enemy & YOU are not his task master. Write this on your mirror.

He might want to be really involved in the wedding or he might not want to be. Ask him & don’t assume! Be cautious how you are speaking to him. I learned oh so painfully to not always just make a decision and then ask for his input and disregard it anyways, because the decision was already made & this obviously is the BEST way right? lol wrong. Ask your fiancé what he sees his involvement being and be honest if you do want more or less help on things! It’s okay!

Tasks…endless tasks and to be honest I so enjoy sitting down and cranking things out but my fiancé is the complete opposite. He wants to have fun while we do things, and this anger inside of me rears up full force when I have my mind set to crank out my list, and he wants to hug me for a minute…yes even a minute or watch a cool youtube video for a few minutes… or take a break... because when I’m in the zone... I’m in the zone... so either join me or get out of my way-- Amen? No. haha man I so wish I was right, but WE are not right. In fact get rid of that language- it isn’t about right or wrong. You’re not justified ever for getting angry when someone or something interrupts your plans.

There are so many tasks to planning a wedding that in a weird way make my heart happy with these mini goals, but tasks can quickly turn into idols in which you are willing to compromise or dismiss any relationship or emotion involved with them as you are going to battle with these tasks.If your plans triumph over the people involved in them-you are a slave to your plans.

“We fail to realize that these interruptions are God’s plan for us and His good for us.” So- chill out!! Some things really can wait until the next morning or 5 minutes and consider God’s design of joy. I know this one seemed so lame to me too because joy is rarely a lens I consider to look through, but at the end of the day, your tasks will get done and you know why?... because you probably can't truly rest until they are haha which is another post, “so either you can have fun with them and include others and it will take a bit longer, or you can become a task dictator in which everyone dreads speaking or working with and get them done in one day, at one time, in your controlling way, and eventually be alone with them” (as my fiancé so clearly painted out to me haha.)

So bluntly>>> you choose.

#2 The first step of Wedding planning: Define your budget & values together.> Notice I did not say to choose your vendors yet! Dream for a minute. What do you both value? Do you want a beautiful space? Do you want amazing food? Do you want a really cool DJ? Nice dress? Do you want beautiful flowers and greenery? Inside or outside or both? A photographer? Videographer? Location? All of these matter more then you think. For example we both chose we valued all of our people being able to attend & a beautiful space in the woods with dancing & I really wanted nice photos, which he didn’t necessarily pick as a high value, but met me in it. This seems simple, but it has helped us know where to spend our money and where we were not going to compromise when we were choosing vendors and breaking down our budget.

**Oh and download a pre made wedding budget chart> it will help you!!

#3 Everyone has an opinion of how you should do something.> Listen, pray & remember you have freedom to choose!

At first and throughout most of this season the pressure I have felt has been people I love or acquantiances telling me what I should or should not do, and my own voice of- “what is tradition and something I have to do and what isn’t- what I’m doing wrong or disorganized about and what I need to fix and do better at,” and to be honest we decided very early on that we were going to do what we wanted, not in an attempt to be rude to others and shut their voices out, but at the end of the day in the midst of all of the opinions, we want our wedding day to be a reflection of us- inviting and thanking those who have been apart of our story to celebrate OUR story- and we feel that it is uniquely crafted by God and we want our wedding to be a reflection of that and yes that even means shutting down Pinterest a lot.

I find this interesting that people express their opinions as a matter of fact lol when really wedding ceremonies tend to be a cultural thing and there is no ultimate wedding law God says we must follow when it comes to day of the week or morning or evening or invites or venue or food or colors ect. I think we have freedom with those things. The number one advice I have received from past brides & friends is that they wish they would have used their voice more and did some of the things they wanted to do, but instead they let their mom plan it solely- or they let tradition and the voices of “should” rule.

I know you care about certain people’s voices, but they do not rule you & how you choose to engage in those conversations takes prayer, patience and you initiating it sometimes. It might even mean you saying no to money with expectations on it. It sounds silly to pray about your wedding planning, but seriously do it because I firmly believe that Satan attacks us through engagement heavily from angles you will never see coming. Being consumed by busyness, relationships strained during it (bridesmaids or parents), so many things that just go wrong haha. Think about it though why would Satan want you to enjoy something so so good and blessed by our God?

And if it’s any encouragement as you were probably filled with anxiety of those voices you might have to be okay with disappointing or being bold and approaching, more people have expressed how they love some of our unique features such as custom invites or RSVPing online (thanks to the knot.com highly recommend it) & even how we chose to share our stories on our website too. Many people are extremely shocked and say its refreshing when I answer I’m not super stressed and enjoy our engagement. So, if you have an idea- GO FOR IT! Nothing is off limits guys >Ultimately your wedding is supposed to be rejoicing to our Lord- a celebration!!! So REJOICE!! :)

Engagement can be enjoyable- fight for joy.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-

#engagement #wedding #engagementadvice #adviceaboutengagement #wedding advice #weddingplanning #beforeyousayido #trustgod #pray #christianadvice

Why wedding planning isn’t overly stressful

Hi!

Kayla here, and yep I’m getting married…if you know my story it could be shock because I never wanted to and well now I’m marrying Matt…who was my best friend…only friend- for 5 years. Jokes on me…lol and so I’ve got this incredible man right- engaged and enjoying it, but find this cloud over our heads sometimes called a wedding.

Culturally I think engagement isn’t enjoyed. It’s a time designated to planning a wedding, so naturally the relationship that this wedding is about is put on the back burner. And I guess I’m not sure if engagement is “biblical” or not…I don’t think it is a right or wrong thing- maybe a neutral concept, but I do think that it sets the tone for your marriage a lot.

What I've found so far is that when I get into my task mode it is at the expense of my fiancé- and he has challenged me to chill out and enjoy cranking out these tasks and include others in that. I don’t want to look back on engagement and wish I enjoyed it. There is so much beauty to be found in engagement, but you have to look up from the to do list sometimes in order to engage in it.

When I have gotten stressed it is because I feel so much pressure from pinterest, family and friends and people I’ll probably never meet again who feel the need to express every thought or question or opinion they have which can make you feel incompetent, more stressed, or well sometimes want to turn around and walk away and say lets elope…I've already come to this place a few times.

But what I’ve found rest in is my wedding is about Jesus. It is a time to celebrate two becoming one. It is about Matt and I inviting people who have influenced us and that we love dearly to celebrate and delight in the Lord with us! It can be fun! It can be unique! It can have little things in it that who cares what people think and you like and he likes and you enjoy it. Fill your wedding with things and concepts and people that give you life and make you smile & pray for the people attending that they see the gospel through your story. Give your self GRACE- at the end of the day if somethings a wrong shade or this flower is wrong who cares. Honestly…who. cares. It is about your marriage not a wedding.

#wedding #wed #beautiful #beauty #love #tasks #daily fun #engaged

The Art of Caring.

Live beautifully what the heck does that mean. I have to work I have stuff to do, I need to work out, go here, do this. Beauty has never really meant much to me at all and I never understood the point of spending time to make a space beautiful, which is funny because I’m an artist.

But I bought plants recently. To try to learn how to care haha. A couple of them…actually 7 to be exact. A mixture of inside and outside plants. oo and a blueberry one which I really hope lives. No significance at first honestly, but my past consists of plant massecres for sure. I’ve killed every plant I’ve attempted to buy, or deer come and root them out of the pots. Either way. They were unsalvageable. And yes I even tried a cactus! You don’t even water them really, but yeah it died too. And to be honest I gave up and thought I was cursed for sure, but then I realized it was MY lack of care that caused them to die especially when I read the directions on these new plants and saw “How to Care” written so clearly.

Caring is a weird emotion. It’s hard to explain why we care about some things and don’t about others, and then to turn to Betty Sue over here who cares about all the things you could care less about and you get insecure and care less, but for me caring stirs a lot of anxiety and fear. So here are a few thoughts I’ve had the Lord nurture this week and well maybe they’ll make some sense to you. I convinced myself to not care about a lot of things because if I don’t care about them then when they die or let me down it doesn’t hurt because well I didn’t truly care. I cared on the outside but I didn’t let it or them genuinely get close to me. Just close enough. I also fear the moment I care about something God will take it away because to care meant it was an idol and it took time and attention from God right? Caring also hurts. Caring means releasing control. It means opening your heart and life to something or someone who can well manipulate your care which I’ve had happen too. So I hardened to the idea of caring. I convinced myself I didn’t care when things hurt me. I tried hard not to think about something I did care about a lot so that God wouldn’t take it. As if I could trick him haha. So twisted guys.

I stumbled upon these thoughts after meeting with a dear mentor Lisa Jamison a few weeks ago. Her topic of choice is: “Kayla I want to teach you how to pray.” Great. At first of course my pride answered about how I’ve been a Christian for a while now and so of course I know how to pray…teach me how to start a non profit or something, but then I started being honest and realized you know I really don’t. I pray, but it isn’t to spend time with the Lord first- most of the time it’s to get an answer to something. And I just kept thinking about why I don’t enjoy praying and God showed me so clearly that I don’t pray that much because I’ve hardened my heart to caring. I know prayer can lead to caring for sure- pray for your enemies right, but to care and then pray is honestly foreign to me.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.

The act of survival alone dismisses any cares. You do what needs to get done at the time and move on to the next thing and honestly I just thought that is what God wanted. I received Christ and was told to go share the Gospel. Bring people to church. Serve. Pray. Read your quiet times. Go to camp. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. And that isn’t wrong necessarily, but then you learn about this idea of Rest and it throws your whole task list off.

I was subconciously operating out of a posture of trying to justify myself and not of being justified. God wants my heart first. He wants to spend time with me first. He loves me first. He provides REST for me out of his CARE for me. He speaks care to us in the quiet still moments of rest and prayer. It’s pride that we don’t allow the Lord to care for us, we think we’ve got it. And honestly how do you know how to care for others if you’ve never let the Lord care for you?

But if we receive it from him we then will thus give it away and go forth sharing the Gospel- loving deeply, and caring genuinely because we are the beneficiaries of much.

Fear of the Unknown.

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“...And know that your vision for this will never be perfectly clear because as you move toward clarity, new horizons will appear that will keep you moving forward. That means you can't wait until it's all neatly wrapped up with a bow to start. Start.

Blessings, Ruth”

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A few weeks ago I had the honor to sit down with Wycliff’s Chief Culture Coordinator Ruth, and ask questions about what makes a companies culture and how to preserve it over different seasons and I feel compelled to share what I’ve been reflecting on since we met. The words above is what she sent me after our meeting.

A lot of times we have a tendency to not move towards something God is calling us to because of being fearful of the unknown. What if we fail? What if it isn’t accepted?

We doubt God’s will. We doubt His provision.

We doubt His voice.

We’d prefer a perfect roadmap with every danger and obstacle pinpointed so that there are no surprises when we arrive to them or so we can strategically find ways to avoid or conquer them displaying our strength and knowledge and thus glorifying ourselves. We fail to acknowledge that God calls us to surrender and follow Him. He calls us to the unknown over and over again in our lives and that He never calls us to go alone relying on our own strength and understanding. He calls us to walk by faith and not sight- trusting He is our sight and our strength. So I leave you with this- Why don’t you trust God and why do you allow your fear of the unknown keep you stagnant or even mobilize you in the opposite direction?

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Feelings are weird.

Right? There is no other title I feel for this thought on feelings. They are just weird. You feel something and then feel like it’s wrong…. but it might not be…you might actually be right…. but you’re not entirely sure how you feel so then you try to rationalize your feelings to see if your feelings are even valid but then you’re not sure because you feel like they are but then sometimes they’re not…and then you become embarrassed by them sometimes or try to dismiss them or you fully uncontrollable become controlled by them…it’s so frustrating.

Feelings are something I’ve tried to understand lately. First it was a self centered effort to conquer and control them, and that quickly turned into numbness and a cold hard heart that the Lord has been softening and well I still have no clue what feelings are. They’re a mystery, but I do believe confidently that they are God given and not meant to be dismissed because they’re not solely a logical concept we can grasp.

I think for so long I’ve struggled with this concept of feelings. I can’t understand it fully and I think we have to be okay with that and that the Lord doesn’t expect us to understand them. They’re impulsive sometimes. They’re misguided sometimes, but they make us feel alive. They make us human.

Without feelings we would be well merely robots. I think our culture celebrates the numbness of feelings and shames the efforts to show them, but then celebrates the boldness it took in that moment when someone does choose to go against the grain and share a raw emotion. To be authentic and vulnerable is to show and express your feelings and that doesn’t mean they have to dictate and control your ever waking moment and thought. I think its easier to become cold and numb and it’s more normalized then to live acknowledging your feelings as well as logical rational thoughts.

I hated feelings. With everything in me for the first 3 years of being a Christian I prayed for God to take away feelings and I put every effort of my being into controlling them so that I could be more righteous before the Lord. A works based mentality which is no different then me doing external good works to prove my worth and value to the Lord. This mental self righteous mentality only drew me more and more into a pit of despair with every failed attempt to control my mind and feelings.

“Just don't think about it” was the advice I heard the most & “thoughts are the same as actions to the Lord.” So I saw them as something to be conquered but here I was drowning in my own failed attempts that I thought every other Christian had mastered.

And then the Lord freed me of myself.

He graciously has been showing me feelings have value and that they matter. They’re not meant to be dismissed and they are not always solely sinful. For example the feeling of anger is not the sin- it’s the thought which could lead to action behind it of wanting revenge on a person or even death. It’s okay I’m not this overly “girly” woman (what ever that means). You don’t have the be a constant crier to be a woman and if you are a crier more than other women that is okay! We need you...you remind us more logical based women to find truth in our feelings sometimes and we help remind you of the logical concepts of truth behind those feelings when you feel so wrapped up in them sometimes. Women in and of them selves make up the body of Christ as well. Some of you are the leg, some the arm but equally important. I just want to encourage you to feel. It is okay.

He is good. And if God is good and everything He makes is good than that means feelings are good first and not evil first and they are just sinful sometimes like our actions are, but they’re not meant to be feared and avoided just because we can not control them.

We have a God big enough to handle them- He made them. He will discipline and correct our misguided feelings and teach us to be founded on his truth first and solely before our feelings, but that doesn’t mean they have zero value. He made us to have feelings of affection towards him too- not merely logical thoughts like the Pharisees clearly mastered.

Join me in this fight to feel again in the midst of growing in our knowledge and understanding of the Lord.

Counseling.

You know it’s crazy. I never wanted to go to counseling or had any desire to be apart of it. It’s for the weak. It’s for people that really have problems, but here I am finding myself attending counseling for the past 8 months and my heart is hurting.

It shocks people if I share I go to counseling. I see it in their eyes- they take a step back for a second and either think it’s the weirdest thing ever or they automatically jump to something really horrible must have happened to me. And thats normal I suppose because in reality most people will never attend counseling and that’s fine, and I get it because I’m hurting so bad.

Right now this is how I feel…in the middle of this wave. My heart is just there in the middle and one wave is shame and fear and hurts and one is grace and love and acceptance and my heart is fighting the battle between both waves that are always going to be there but choosing which one to let soak into the cracks and which one to not.

"You're so good."

Man those words should feel so good to us right? Most of us drown ourselves in anything just to be seen as good, but today when a coworker told me after we were discussing a vision I feel the Lord is cultivating in me she said those words… “You are so good,” wide eyed with honest and pure intentions and it’s caused me to take a step back because good is not really a word I want to be defined as ever because nothing in me is good and I know that right? And so out of fear of being perceived as prideful in anyway I resulted in the “humble” Christian answer of I’m not good at all I mess up all of the time and sin and don’t trust God a lot and well I think might be what God wants but yeah ok I'm super doubtful a lot and all of that is true too and not a wrong response. I meant it. And you can be quick to say “oh you care what people think so that’s why you said that.” And maybe actually yeah that’s partially true, but there’s more to it… I felt fear when she said that statement. This feeling of shame and wanting to hide.

So I’ve been thinking…does Christ want us to portray ourselves as scum filthy rags all the time either? To live in shame and bondage because we do sin? To deny the wholeness he is creating in us- our sanctification. Isn’t there some sort of beauty in the growing pains? And didn’t he die to set us free from sin and shame?

If we are new in Christ and have been given a new heart then we bare his glory and his name and his light will shine to people and that is nothing to try and diminish or hide when it is noticed. We can become prideful and claim it as our own, but God will convict and correct us when needed. But He has entrusted us to bare his image and we are his physical vessels of choice too and that is appealing to some people and appalling to others.

I feel this feeling a lot actually. Of just emotionally detaching or detaching all together if I can. My story is filled with so much shame. I’ve been going to counseling for almost a year now and lately it’s been the most frustrating hurtful freeing experience because we are just starting to even hint at shame. I didn’t really realize that shame was the root issue along with fear of why I am so scared to love and be loved. Or why I’m so scared for one second to think God could remotely see me as good? I don’t even believe that He is good yet. I know it and scriptures, but that hasn’t resonated with my heart yet.

Why? Why is it my tendency to deny everything “good” about me and fully accept everything “bad” about me? Why did the church preach this message for so long as well? This false sense of humility. I actually think it’s extremely prideful to deny your God given gifts and live in this bondage mentality. You’re essentially denying the unique and beautiful way God created you/ your identity and the power of grace.

So idk honestly. These are kinda more thoughts currently then they are all put together words with a bow on top. This is the journey I’m on. Trying to face my shame and hurts and fears and allow the Lord to pour his love into my beginning to crack dessert heart. And I don’t think I’m alone.

Single and ashamed.

I have been pretty regularly single for about 5 years now and the Lord is shining on one of the most hurtful parts of my heart and revealing that I feel so much shame in my singleness. Silly right? To feel shame in being single. I'm only 23, so why should I feel this way? In the midst of being single I have experienced the tensions that prolonged singleness tends to carry in the church. Of course the awkward 3rd and 9th wheel situations or couples only groups, but that isn't what I want to address. I'm going to try and be as truthful as possible speaking to both sides of the spectrum- married and unmarried Christians in the church. I'm aware some of my shame is feelings of insecurity brought upon me by my own mind, but honestly a lot of this shame I have experienced in the church. I don't think we as the church are aware of how loud we are yelling to be content in singleness to singles, but displaying another message. We are hypocritical in regards to singleness. I'm so nervous posting about singleness because I'm afraid to be perceived as either a) desperate or b) a pro woman only men are the worst kind of woman. Truth is I want to be with someone. And I've tried to dismiss this longing. I want a patient kind man who is imperfectly struggling, but striving to love the Lord too and finds me worthy of loving and tries to pursue me. I've cried over it, I give up on it sometimes, I've prayed for it and I'm hopeful for it, but I'm not promised and its not my security and I understand that. Thats where the tension is with the church. Most of us as singles understand that we are not promised a spouse and fighting to understand what this contentment really feels like that you're preaching about- so the comments of- "you're so beautiful/mature why don't you have someone? Or have you really looked...there's no one? Or God is just preparing your spouse/you must not be ready yet." are really old. They hurt. I know you're trying to stir up conversation sometimes or help but these types of comments are creating discontentment in our hearts if we are content in that moment and screaming to us that we shouldn't be content and must be doing something wrong or missing God's will or need to preform/be more holy for God to bless us with marriage- which is not the truth. You didn't state that word for word, but that's the implications. There's passage after passage about both singles and marriage and yet the church does not still know what to do or how to engage with singles and we feel it. I feel it the most being a young single woman constantly in leadership positions around married individuals or couples in Christian realms. I'm not saying all are like this, but enough to write a post about it. The glares, snide comments, the passive aggressive statements of not understanding what marriage or family could remotely be like to elevate your status. Being made to feel guilty for using the extra free time I have sometimes to travel or engage in hobbies. Constant questions of asking if I have someone in my life or assuming I don't want anyone because I've been single for so long to sometimes exploit the fact that I don't and validate your insecurities. Projections of your worry that I might flirt or start liking your man or engage in an unhealthy codependent emotional relationship to fill this huge void you see that I must have in my heart and be desperate to fill because of my singleness. It needs to stop. I'm not saying this just on behalf of me, I'm saying this after speaking with so many women in all stages of life who have admitted to feeling the same thing at some point and admit to noticing it in the church. It creates division. It hurts our souls and it doesn't point us to Jesus what so ever. To feel so burdened or worried to engage in any even surface level conversation with a taken man in the church sucks. I understand there are boundaries. I understand being respectful. understand lines have been crossed in the past.

Catalina Cafe - Talli

This wonderful coffee shop is in a side shopping plaza located on Capital Circle.

Filled with plenty of seating, a diverse customer group and artwork on the walls, I’ve really enjoyed sitting in here to work on this Thursday morning.

The staff is extremely helpful and very engaging and love their products. They grind all of their coffee fresh and today featured “The Lost Coffee” L hacienda Esmeralda Geisha which was very good. I personally enjoyed a pumpkin spice latte which featured a very clean smooth coffee compared to a few other shops that feature a more citrus coffee with their syrups. How to become a featured artist, I’m not sure, but I plan on finding out.

I also enjoyed for lunch a tomato, basil, goat cheese panini which was incredible with their homemade pesto. I throughly enjoyed this quiet shop. Thank you Catalina!

#catalinacafe #tallahassee #coffee

Asia Journal Entry.

Fighting to disconnect from work mentally to be present where I am is tough and not encouraged in our typical western world but so pivotal. I want to live alive. To fully encompass what God has for me and not scrounge around for answers when someone asks me or gives me the disappointed look when my answer obviously did not meet their expectations or over exceeded them. I’m single, 23, an yes I want to marry, but I don’t know to whom or when and I want to fight to be okay with that. This idea to have a plan feels like an umbrella with holes over my head. Pointless. I don’t mean be careless but I don’t believe for one second God doesn’t want us to be intentional or not have dreams and goals and pursue them but when they become the object of our affection we become misguided. This plan that robs your joy. It can hinder you. It can control/consume you and it can be so misguided even if its something good. This morning I’m done. I don’t know my life plan. I don’t know what He’s got for my life but I’m in.

Asia.

This was my second time going over to Asia and I don’t think i will ever get used to the unique food items like duck head and century old eggs being offered, but I do love how driving rules are suggested. Makes me want a Moped really bad.

To be apart of this now sustainable business helping women earn another income is so humbling. I think before going over there this time I had this glamorized perspective of what over seas missionaries do. You only tend to see them at their best when you’re there and you hear about all of the great things going on, but not the everyday life and struggles that they face multiplied. The constant anxiety of changes in what ever organization they're being sent by, the constant changing of team members sometimes resulting in you being the only one there. Not being able to be fully known by anyone sometimes. The magnified longing for something familiar even if it’s just language once in a while as comfort, but having to rely on the Lord when you endure extended amounts of time uncomfortable. It’s so hard and I don’t think we realize it over here because we surround ourselves with so many comforts.

While I was there I was able to help with business and marketing- which I thought would be my main goal going over. I soon just wanted to serve and do dishes or encourage and help where ever was needed not just in the areas I loved to serve. I love these people. So much. I can’t even explain how much they mean to me and it’s worth every cent to be able to encourage them to not grow weary in doing good, because it is so easy to become discouraged.

Below is a journal entry-

10/27:

“Today I say no to “the plan.” The one I’ve constructed in my heart even if I don’t want to admit it. The one other people told me it was supposed to be. The one if absent or not eloquently explained is shot down quickly with harsh glances or unanswerable questions. The one that has probably not been fully thought through or thought through so much that any change sends this control freak into a spiral. I can’t anymore. Here I lay in Asia, about to explore this country all day with 2 girls who were recently rescued from the brothels here and now follow God. This was not in my plan. In the middle of the busiest time of work year for me He called me to say no to money and yes to him and remember he gives me what I need. No to my contentment in comfort and yes to going. No to my comfy bed and yes to a 22 hour plane ride which I still can’t say I’m used to or enjoy. It takes alot of BBC (british tv…yes I’m obsessed), sleeping pills, goldfish and praying that I don’t get the dreadful middle of the middle seat. None of this was in my plan and yet I am overwhelmed with joy and honor to be here…

The thing I love about being away from my culture is every comfort is stripped from me. Currency, language, my home, books, music, reading, transportation, christian things, direction. I become 1000% dependent on Him. Like a child again. I never feel more free then in my lack of control and uncomfortableness over seas. Even family and friends, church are gone. So far I’ve spent most of my time in countries where you can’t even say God’s name out loud. It makes you become meek. No stores blaring Christian music with cute coffee cups, nothing. You become intimate with your creator again because its all you have. Most places I’ve gone have had no plan. You arrive, live, learn, listen, service and pray your heart out. And I don’t realize I love it until I am back in the states.”

I worked in the bakery almost the whole time I was there organizing and making expresso coffees and cakes which I miss making! I also helped them create a marketing plan and help design new menus and encourage their team.

They are in need of a few more supplies, let me know if your interested in helping further!

The last day was the worst. I got pick pocketed and didn’t realize until I was about to leave for the airport alone with a train and multiple taxis to catch. I did have a break down in the middle of the train station as I became so frustrated having to lug two 40 pound suitcases up and down flights of stairs to always be told it was the wrong way, but never told where to go. So yeah I bawled for a few minutes haha, but it’s kinda funny now. If you new my previous track record with phones in general or having items stolen, it’s starting to get a little easier every time lol.

Thank you for believing in this cause and being so supportive with words and finances not only to me, but to these missionaries and church family that lives over there.

Singleness

It’s not a disease it’s not a curse and I think the church needs to redefine how they look at it.

A few months ago I was in my best friends wedding and one of their groomsman who I didn’t know is married expecting a child-really cool guy and we started talking at the reception and he asked what I did in life so I casually explained my job and that I was still in school and then he asked if I was dating anyone and I explained no and he immediately jumped to oh so you want to be one of those career women and focus on that. And my feelings were instantly hurt because no thats not what I want. Just because I’m working in the corporate world and I am single does not mean that I do not desire to be married. I always joke and say that 23 is like 40 in Christian years because people are married in the “Christian world” by now and it creates this feeling of isolation that I know they are not intending but nonetheless it is there.

People tell us to be content but then they always ask us if we have “special someone” in our lives. I think we’d tell you believe me if we did. It sucks sometimes. This longing- this anxiousness- this trying to trust God but constantly seeing reasons we feel we shouldn’t. And we need to be able to be honest if we long to be married that it’s okay to hurt about this. It’s okay to cry out to God for a spouse and pray for one and we aren’t needy or desperate, but we also have to know that our identity is not completed when we receive a spouse. We need to use this time in the midst of crying out to be content in Jesus.

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