Fear of Man.
My freshman year of college a few of my friends decided to become certified in life guarding to make some extra money that summer. I had a good job as a manager working 40 hours a week, but I figured I could replace a few days with life guarding and make a ton more money. Plus all my friends were doing it so why not- life guarding is easy you just sit there.
I paid the 150$ application fee, never practiced once, had no clue what to expect and showed up to my first day with a two piece under my clothes thinking we’d probably not swim the first day. There’s always an orientation day. Mistake number 1- so I had to wear a shirt in the water. What ever I can do this I thought until I was told we had to swim 16 laps- 4 laps of each stroke- there and back counted as 1 in an olympic sized pool. WHAT THE HECK. No one else seemed alarmed by this, but I was standing there in fear...trembling... wondering how to leave...but I rode with my friends there and I already paid the money with no refunds given... so I was trapped. I figured if I just went first I could get it out of the way- so I volunteered to be in the first group and strategically placed myself next to people who I felt I could out swim. About lap two my body was DONE.
Seriously I was dying and had no clue what all those other strokes even looked like that I was supposed to be switching to. I don’t even remember the other 14 laps...I think I somewhat blacked out... but I do remember thinking the whole time this is it God...this is how I die from exhaustion...or I quit...but I can’t because it’ll be so embarrassing...but I want to SO BAD. I resorted in the always faithful back stroke to finish the 10 of 16 laps and finished last...behind the second group who went after our group.
I got out of the water and it was so awkward. It was clear I’d never swam any type of stroke before and didn’t practice, so I’m sure they were thinking we can’t pass this girl. But I finished..and they said there was no time limit so I had an argument ready just in case.
I thought that was it for the day until we were told to move onto phase two. A 10 pound weight was dropped into the deep end. We had to swim across- dive down- grab the weight and swim on our back to the others side with it on our chest. I think I shed a tear when I heard that and chose to go last. I breathed more water then I did breath air just trying to get to the other side.
The training was two weeks straight- 9am-5 and I ended up completing the whole thing in which the trainer said she was very proud of me, and I quit my first week. I hated life guarding- it was so boring. I actually think I didn’t even set up my payment because I knew I wasn’t into it- I worked 1 shift and said don’t worry about paying me I’m done and never came back.
I was sitting at the park the other day after feeling so overwhelmed for the past week and this story came to mind. I really didn’t understand why and started laughing at how dumb I was. Why in the world did I think I could do this and what kept me doing it when I knew the first day this was nothing I wanted to do.
And so I asked- God why did you bring this to mind...nothing...so I started just looking through my journal I had with me and came to this page.
2/25/2016- I think I was going through Galations and writing some thoughts down. It started with Ch 1: There are some people whose purpose is to cloud and distort the gospel. There is no other gospel. Galations 1:10- For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If i were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Then I wrote God is above Man...in order to know you must know what pleases the Lord.
1 Cor- “being filled w/ the knowledge of God’s will in all spiritual wisdom & understanding > bearing fruit in every good work.”
The weird thing was this day was 2/25 too- 1 year later.
I heard the Lord remind me of weight I felt on my chest as I was struggling to swim after I was so tired from the other laps and the thoughts I had of why in the heck am I doing this the whole time just to prove I could and not look weak and like a failure.
And I heard the Lord say Kayla this desire is so deeply rooted in you- you’re swimming on a path right now that feels like that because it always runs up current- you are trying to please man and fear disappointing people and you will always feel this overwhelmed and weighed down unless you die to that fear and desire. There are times you do please people and succeed but it wasn’t without so much time and effort because essentially you do disappoint people- man will never be pleased. They demand more... they expect more... and command more, like the pharaoh in Egypt...but I am pleased in you as those baby ducks over there that are following their mother I want you to follow me and rest in my power and provision.
How many times do we make decisions based on fear that we do not even realize it anymore? It has been so engraved into our identity that we do it habitually- thinking we are making a sound decision, but not realizing the fear driving it.
It could be in an attempt to keep self preservation- not wanting people or circumstances to affect or hurt you. It could be for control- not wanting any surprises or things to pop up that could leave you helpless or appear weak. It could be not wanting to disappoint people. It could be not wanting people to see the real you and so you work so hard to maintain this Christian facade. It could even be fear of getting your hopes up or believing things can change, so you wallow in your struggles and feelings and don’t fight or ask Christ to free you from them.
Living in fear is like quicksand. Restricting and painful.
I realized lately how much I operate in fear. Living to please man will crush you and you will constantly feel crushed by the weight because you are not made to bare it.
When I took a step back these last few weeks it’s been really hard but eye opening. Fear of people leads me to do a lot of things I “Should” but never things I really want to do. It is restricting me from expressing my feelings sometimes, my ideas, my thoughts and essentially myself.
A few areas I found in my life are I fear my relationship with God will suffer so I should spend time with him at this time. I don’t want people at church to ask me whats wrong and fear they think I’m always a mess, so I’ll smile more this Sunday and stay silent until I’m passed the mess and can explain it logically and not emotionally. I’m fearful to admit I’m incapable or doing everything asked of me, so I’ll pile more on my plate and schedule to show I can do it. My friends and I don’t get to talk or hang out much as we used to, so I send texts out of fear to check in and still feel connected and make sure we’re “okay.” I’m fearful of failing so I’ll set the bar really low inside so I know I’ll surpass it. I’m fearful of failing so i set the bar super high knowing I’ll never reach it anyways and it was unrealistic. I fear my inlaws or parents are upset if too much time passes between me seeing them, so I should send a text or schedule a dinner- to keep the peace. I fear I’m spending too much. I fear I’m too stingy. I fear I’m out of balance and can’t maintain everything and every relationship I have.
So I believe a lot of times this fear is rooted in lies we are believing about God and ourself which flows out to others. A few I’ve spotted personally are:
You are not the most special, complex person in the world. God made you and He loves you and understands you. You can not figure out yourself so stop self analyzing everything you do and why you do it and comparing yourself to other women all in an attempt to control yourself and your environment more. Fear is a lot of times a very selfish way to live. We expect everyone else to tip toe and be aware of your fears and insecurities. You put expectations on people and yourself that aren’t meant to be there or you numb yourself have no expectations so no one can disappoint or affect you. You get your feelings hurt so easily at the thought of perceived failure or disappointment. Constant Anxiety, depression- worry- anger- blaming all in an attempt to establish yourself higher and stronger then you were created to be. You are not God. You do not have the weight on your shoulders to save mankind. You are not people’s savior. You do not have to spend hours filtering your coffee instagram photo or documenting every second of your life on snap chat. You do not have to smile always or laugh always or cry always. What pressure are you putting on yourself to be perfect or fit some cultural mold?
You do not have to conform to the world and I fear that we are blurring the lines between being a Christian and creating some sort of edgy Christian that contains SO MUCH PRESSURE. The world will never love us. We are not meant to appear all put together.
You’re messy..breathe it’s okay.











