Thoughts from an Enigmatic Mind

Prose and Poetry. Hopeless Romantic. The other side of me.

[wiccanpoet14]

Mixology

I’ve learned that vodka and heartaches don’t mix well It leaves you with a hangover that lingers until who knows when Stays even though the throbbing early morning headache has already stopped I don’t know if it’s just me But my body is wired to wake up early whenever I can Even when I’ve drunk myself silly

Funny... Coz I only drink ‘til I’m sleepy. Never a complete blackout. I’ve always had control of every shot I took But this time, you were a habit I need not shove down my throat A ringing in my ears egging me on, “Chug! Chug! Chug!”

This time, I did drink myself to the moon Crash-landed back on soft pillows the morning after Without memories to recall Except summer rain on my cheeks waking me later than usual With the taste of barf trying to crawl out of my mouth Like the words I’ve long since kept from you... The flavored beer I spilt last night. And the only thing I can remember. Sweet and fruity with good intentions But still a whole lot of bitter vomit. A great effin mess!

I always knew from the beginning that you were an absinthe illusion A concoction of my own making Green poison both shaken and stirred Served in glass with lips of chocolate liquor One I was willing to take You were gin on the rocks so cold and clear I mistakenly thought I could handle it with just a ring of salt or sugar.

So I told the bartender, “Sir! Keep it coming!” Serve this fantasy of mine on frozen cocktail glasses Spray it with just a hint of lemon So my lips are numb and I cannot breathe in the smoke slowly suffocating my soul

Wait! Better yet… Just serve me seltzer water in a wine glass instead. Splash it on my face Maybe all the dampness will finally give me clarity And wake me from this crazy drunken dream. Salute!

[wiccanpoet14]

Ang Panimula

Ito na Ito na ang simula Ang aking panimula Ng paglalahad at paglalathala Ng mga liriko at taludtod na inipon Itinabi Pinakaiingatan

Para sa iyo…

Para sa mga nakaraan Para sa tatahaking kinabukasan Para sa kasalukuyang dinaraanan

Isang daan.

Isang daan Pilit isusulat, aabutin Bago matapos ang taon sa huling takip silim Ito’y aking paraan Isang panalangin

Para sa kanila…

Para sa umibig at inibig Para sa patuloy na lumalaban Para pag-asang kahit nakarehas ay di nawawalan

Dito

Dito tayo magsisimula Sa pagsambit ng mga unang salita Gamit ang alab ng isip at damdaming makata Sumabay man o makidigma Sa agos ng tadhana

Ito’y aking tatapusin

Hayaang madalang kritiko’y kutyain Mga titik na iaalay sa dambana Pilit pa ring Ibubulong Isisigaw At sasabihin

Hanggang sa huling hininga Babasagin ang katahimikan sa hangin

Dahil ito Ito ang aking panimula

[wiccanpoet14]

A Work of Fiction

Do you like comics? Anime? Perhaps books? I do. But I’m not an otaku Nor am I a member of any fandom. Well… Maybe just a smidge of a Potterhead…

I just like it when… The abstract sprouts reality in front of my eyes From words sown in finely woven fabric Where a city of glass and gold can be built just before moonlight is spent And towering marble halls ordinarily levitate thousands of feet above the ground Where unremarkable water-damaged doors of ancient oak can transport you And you find yourself in the most curious of places

Because here… The boy in the cupboard under the stairs can be the chosen one An orphan can gain remarkable power to save or even destroy the world And you can die and live again And again… And again… And again…

For a time, I tried to plant beanstalks that could reach the clouds Cultivated barren pages with an ink-tipped plow Hoping to grow dragons, mages, and princes somehow To nurture something wondrous and unbelievable Yet seems so real

And then came you… You The greatest work of fiction in my life I always knew I was the author of my own story But the characters who are in it are not always my choice

I was so proud For I have drafted my own Superman Made you as badass as Sasuke Scribbled in a kind heart and beauty as fair as my dear Kagome Crafted you to be lustfully sexy as Black Widow Gave you wit unmatched as Sherlock I have done it. I have written a deity of my cosmos All that and more…

But it is not you. Not really.

Soft-eyed and funny As complex and unpredictable Insensitive Foolish Brutish and sexist A diamond in the rough not meant to be polished by these fragile hands

Where the fine line between heroes and villains are blurred So does what my mind’s eye see in you and the truth As Rick would say to Morty, “Good and Evil are just constructs” Maybe they are. Because I have drawn you in black and white on photo paper When clearly you are supposed to be colored on newsprint

And then I realize…

I am still the playwright and poet. There is much more space left in this finely woven fabric. To write over letters already printed would be such a waste Leaving only unwanted smears and smudges

I’d rather that this script be clear and legible As hieroglyphs transcending time So I may reap of sycamore legends that rise From the ashes of the chapters that once were

I remain a believer Of epic battles deciding fate Of underdogs becoming champions Of love that conquers against all the odds

But fantasies… Works of fiction Like you… Must always be taken with a grain of salt

[wiccanpoet14]

Untitled 3

I know you’re only human But why do I find myself so attracted to you when I know there’s not a chance in the world that you would like me back when I know you already have someone else I even know there’s a logical explanation to this feeling Pheromones, carnal instinct, the psychological need for perfection, The sociological desire for the best partner to end misery and loneliness, The philosophical search for love and meaning. Whatever it is - either one, any or all of these It’s just too fucking crazy and overwhelming to handle in the solitude on my mind

You make me believe in the duality of nature While repulsed at the problems caused by smoking I inhale every scent of you mixed with the smoke of the cigarette you just lit While I condone the stupidity caused by machismo. patriarchal dogma Your “manly” attributes are the reason of my dreams of rapture with you And because there are fleeting moments of your kindness and soft eyes I would forgive you and keep you on this pedestal

I know we’re only human

I guess it’s all illusion and daydreaming If you only knew… But the truth brings out the worst in people Hate, confusion and fear… They have already destroyed a lot I don’t want them to shatter whatever little we have Because it makes me happy To love you even when you will never know it from me

[wiccanpoet14]

Salamin

[wiccanpoet14]

Untitled 2

[Artwork credit to Cindy Aquino and Julius Dimanlig]

Marahan at malalim na paghinga Habang tinututok, sinisipat ng mata Umaasang tama ang asinta At sakto ang pagbatak sa pana Upang tumpak ang pagtama Sa matamis mong pusong matagal nang tinatamasa

Mabilis ang pagtibok Kalooba’y nanginginig Pilit pinapanatili ang mandirigmang tindig Kahit sa totoo lang Ngalay na ‘tong aking bisig Sa matagal na paghihintay sa’yo aking iniibig

Ikaw, na ang galaw ay singsaya ng talipi Damdamin ko’y sasabog, di na makapagtimpi Sapagkat kagandaha’y hambing sa telang hinahabi Walang kaparis sa kahit sinumang pilit itabi

Tulad ng huni ng mga ibon sa kagubatan Tinig mo’y inaangat ako sa kalangitan Payapang wangis sa tubig na tumatama sa dalampasigan Aking ipaglalaban para makamtan

Hanggang ngayon ito’y aking dalangin Mahabaging mga anito aking alay sana’y dinggin Lungkot ng nalulumbay kong puso’y patigilin Na sa malambing na hangin pag-ibig nya’y dito dalhin

[wiccanpoet14]

Sigaw sa Kawalan

May tao ba dyan? May nakakarinig ba sa akin? Hello! Helloooo! Nakakapagod na ito Napupudpod na ang aking mga tsinelas Nakakapagod ang sumigaw Nakakapagod lumakad sa mahabang kalsada Habang boses mo’y pilit pinaparinig, umaasa

Papunta saan ba itong aking pinatutunguhan? Ikaw? Kayo? Alam nyo ba? Habang sinusuntok ang kamao sa hangin Hustisya’t pagkakapantay-pantay sinasamo upang dinggin Puso’y lumalaban, iniinda ang mga sugat at pagkapaos Upang karahasan sa payak na mamamayan ay matapos

Kailan kaya titigil itong tagtuyot? Tigang ang lupa sa katotohanan Isang sitwasyong masalimuot Sapagkat iilan lamang ang may kapangyarihan Ginagamit sa sariling palalo at baluktot na daan

May tao ba dyan? Naririnig nyo ba ako? Hello! Helloooo! Nagmamakaawa ako Kumakalam ang kanilang mga sikmura Gabi-gabi na lang, walang matulugan Lumuluha para sa mga biktima sa daan Takot at pangamba, hihinto ba kailan?

Hindi Hindi sasapat itong aking tinig Sama-sama dapat upang maramdaman ang pintig Pagkakaisa tungo sa kapayapaan ating tindig Upang tatsulok ay tuluyan nang mayanig

[wiccanpoet14]

10 Songs I Will Play One Last Time. And Erase.

“Dessert”... the thrill of your company

“God Gave Me You”... is what I thought you were

“Please Don’t Ask Me”... is what was overwhelming my mind

“Pare Mahal Mo Raw Ako”... is what all I wanted when I told you

“I Don’t Want You To Go”... but you did.

“Help Me Get Over”... is what I really needed

“Where Do Broken Hearts Go”... when you lose yourself

“I Can’t Make You Love Me”... is what I realized

“Fools”... is what I was becoming

“Haven’t Met You Yet”... is my resolve (but it isn’t you).

[wiccanpoet14]

Salamat Ina

Ayoko… Ayokong magpasalamat Ina Ayokong magpasalamat sa iyong pag-aaruga, sa kalinga Ayokong tumanaw ng utang na loob Sa pangangalaga at buhay na iyong ipinagkaloob Mas lalo nang ayokong bigyang puri ang iyong malasakit Na hindi matutulog kapag ako ay may sakit Ayoko. Ayokong parangalan ang iyong kadakilaan Na minsan Kahit ako na ang mali Ay pilit ipaglalaban

Ayokong magpasalamat Ma Ayokong sabihin na mahal na mahal kita Ayong ihayag sa mundo ay iyong ka-martyran Na uunahin lagi kami kasya sa sariling kapakanan Ayokong ibahagi ang iyong natatanging misteryo Na ikaw ay sisidlan ng mga pagkataong higit pa yata sa tatlo Tanglaw, ilaw, tagapagpayo Pulis, abogado at sabay na ring husgado. Kulang na lang ay itangi ka bilang isang santo.

Higit nang ayokong magpasalamat Nay Sa mga taong walang kamalay-malay Noong tawagin ka nilang “Puta!” Dahil pinalaki mo ako nang mag-isa Ni hindi nila alam ang iyong salaysay Ang mga pasakit na dinanas Mga sugat na di lamang sa katawan ang latay Ayoko. Ayokong ipakita na ako’y mahina Na tatanggapin na lamang ang kanilang panghuhusga

Ayoko! Ayoko! Ayoko! Hindi…. Ayaw ko. Ayaw ng puso ko. Dahil magdurusa lamang ito Na hanggang dito na lang Na ngayon Ngayon lamang Ang aking pasasalamat. Alam kong kailanma’y hindi ito nararapat At lalong-lalong hindi sasapat Na bigyan ng korona at pagpupugay Ang isang bayaning tulad mo sa aking buhay Na sakripisyo’y di matutumbasang tunay At ngayo’y hindi ko na makakapiling Sapagkat mahimbing nang nahihimlay

[wiccanpoet14]

Tears

And all I can do is weep

Weep For I dare not speak anymore Of matters you deem unacceptable On double standards Of this goddamn discriminative society Where I could not love you Without shattering what you believe in Without bringing about disgust Without you leaving me again

I am happy. That I'm able to speak to you again That I'm able to laugh at your jokes That I'm able to see you smile That I'm able to get a handshake or A tap on the back from your strong hands Without malice. At least that’s what I tell myself

But then again...

I weep in the nights when I am alone In my room Thinking of love that will never be Thinking of your innocent face, your warm voice, your soft eyes How foolish and naive I was to fall And how, still, I would love you Even if my mind already decided it’s too tiresome to do so

I weep in the nights when I am alone In my room Thinking of the all girls that you think about fucking Or those you are actually fucking while I sleep How easy for you to play with fragile hearts and carnal games To satisfy your orgasmic machismo desire And how, though I would willingly surrender my soul and flesh to you This is not enough

I weep in the nights when I am alone In my room For my emotions and intellect are clashing They never reconcile Am I going crazy? Am I losing my mind?

It’s not wise to linger in such nonsense I always rationalize that it's your life You don’t want me to be part of it You can live it how you please How you choose it to be

I want to stop caring But I don’t know how How much time do I need to be stone cold?

I guess it’s a mistake to place you in such high regard

But then again...

This is my love.

One that paints a chivalrous canvass over the imperfections One which accepts that I am loving one who has demons inside him For I too am a monstrous being Anxious, Confused, Desiring.

A love that faces the truth that we will never be together, Nor will you ever love me back But would still be unconditional

For I am limited to just this The intangible. The restricted. To prevent the restored pillars from falling again And turning into dust

And now, All I could do is weep To find my peace And pray for you in silence

[wiccanpoet14]

Notes on Privatized Education

As I look through the tinted window There They march in a single file Like wind up dolls Following the unheard orchestrated music In their pristine uniforms of brown and white And shiny leather shoes

And they settle No sound, no stir Keeping the arm-length distance between them Obedient. Compliant. Law-abiding. Submissive. Docile. Tame. Meek. Passive. Listening to the voice of authority As they speak the oath and sing the usual hymn Hardly knowing what they stood for

And I watched them As they go to their designated cells Following orders Learning the standards Rules. Codes. Canon. Dogma. Rules. Codes. Canon. Dogma. What the f**k! Is this equivalent to Merit? to Excellence?

To be deviant is to be a sin. To shift paradigms is unethical, immoral. To question authority invokes immediate punishment. For what? The prestige of ranks? An honorary title? To be decorated with shiny metals that eventually rust?

As they stay abreast with internationalization Corporate capitalistic commercialization With grandeur advertisements mask privatized education Where we are to be part of this global society But sacrifice most of our individuality

I look again through the tinted window There They march in a single file Like unknowing soldiers ready to die Programmed automated humanoids Manufactured not educated To maintain the cogs of the superstructures In their pristine uniforms of brown and white And shiny leather shoes

[wiccanpoet14]

Untitled

Malamig ang gabi Habang pumapatak ang mga butil ng ulan At hindi sila tumitila Dumadaloy sa alulod, kumakalansing sa mga yero Kumakatok sa salamin ng bintana

Masarap sa ganitong panahon ang mainit na kape Pero para sa akin, syempre, mas gusto ko ang tsaa Yung mabangong amoy at sakto ang timpla Sabi nga nila, three minutes dipping time daw

Kaya ngayon ako’y naghihintay Sapagkat nais ko rin ang bumabalot na init At ayokong mapaso sa sarap ng isang saglit Kaya kong magtiis para sa linamnam ng tamis at pait Pero natatakot din ang aking puso sa maaring masapit Na pagkatapos ay biglang iwawaglit Tulad ng lalagyan ng tsaang tapos nang magamit

Masarap sa ganitong panahon ang magtalukbong ng kumot Na yayakap sa iyo upang malimot ang takot at lungkot Na dulot nitong piniling pagkakataong masalimoot Nagpapanggap na ang mainit na tela ay ang kanya ring mga brasong umaakap sayo Habang nasasamyo sa bawat hibla ang kanyang naiwang bango Kasama ang pangakong balang araw ay talagang magiging kayo

Masarap sa ganitong panahon ang isang lumang libro Na ang bawat pihit ng pahina ay maglilipad sa iyo At itatakas ka sa kakaibang mundo Dahil minsan masakit manatili sa realidad Na hindi ikaw lagi ang bida sa naisulat na nobela At ang tangi mo lamang inaasam ay muli siyang makapiling, makita Kahit alam mong meron kang kahating iba

Malamig ang gabi Habang pumapatak ang mga butil ng ulan At sila’y bumubuhos, rumaragasa Dumadaloy sa alulod, kumakalansing sa mga yero Binabasag ang salamin ng bintana At hindi ko sila matahan Ni masabing tama na Hahayaan ko na lang silang tumulo Dahil mamaya ay umaga na

[wiccanpoet14]

Sumusulat ako

[wiccanpoet14]

World Poetry Day [Yesterday]

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved / in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

'Sonnet XVII', Neruda

[wiccanpoet14]

Rant.PDF

[Insert name here], naiinis ako sayo. Bakit ka ganyan? :'( 

Akala ko iba ka sa kanila. Akala ko hindi mo ako huhusgahan ng basta-basta. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was too blinded by how I felt for you. And Oo! Maybe my text was really meant for you while I was drunk. Pero I honestly tried to follow lahat ng rules and restrictions mo kasi gusto ko masaya ka at hindi ka lumayo. Pero akala ko rin na bibigyan mo ako ng konting pangunawa sa maliliit na bagay na di ko masunod. Mahirap kasi. Madaling sabihin pero mahirap gawin. Madaling sabihin na ok lang ako nung sinabi mo na tropa lang tayo. Mahirap na hindi ako pwedeng magpakita ng kahit anong concern kasi you’d always take it the wrong way Kahit sa totoo lang eh masaya lang talaga ako na mag-effort at magbigay ng walang kapalit sa mga pinapahalagahan ko

Dati pinagdarasal ko na, if we can’t be lovers, sana bestfriend status na lang Yung tipong bestfriend na alam nya na crush ko sya pero that mere fact would only make our bond stronger and not tear us apart; Yung bestfriend na pwede ko pagsabihan ng kahit ano nang walang pagaalinlangan Pero kahit yun ayaw mo. Ayaw mo ng expectations. Ngayon, I’ d settle kahit ano pa man yung gusto mong ibahaging parte ng buhay mo Kahit kapiranggot lang yun kasi at least di mo ako iniwan Hanngang sa matulungan lang sana ako ng panahon na ibaon sa ibang alaala yung nararamdaman ko para sayo Pero kahit yun di na pwede. Sobrang nagsisisi ako kasi alam kong kasalanan ko kung bakit ganito na tayo ngayon. :’(

Ok lang naman sa akin na di tayo mag-usap at pilitin ko yung sarili ko na wag kang kausapin unless hindi work related. Pero for you to shun and block me completely feels like hell. Masama na ba akong tao [Insert name here]? Kasi that’s how you make me feel right now. I lie awake in bed at 2 AM in the morning and go questioning myself coz I feel so shitty. Nababalisa ako araw-araw kakaisip. Naririndi na ako pag napagpapalit nila yung pangalan natin o kaya nababanggit yung pangalan mo.

Alam kong mali yung hindi ko napigilan na mag-text sayo. Pero nakakasuka at nakakapandiri ba na dapat mo akong iwasan at layuan? Masahol pa ba sa hayop yung hindi ko kayang tumingin sa pinagkaiba ng babae at lalaki kapag umiibig ako? Mamamatay ka ba dahil may nagmamahal at nagaalala sayo? Wala naman akong hiniling kailanman na kapalit. Gusto ko lang maging masaya ka. Iniisip ko nga sana hindi na lang ikaw ang nakita ng puso ko. Sana wala na lang akong nararamdaman na kahit ano para kanino. Kaya nga ako laging nakangiti kasi ayoko maramdaman ang lungkot at galit ng realidad ng mundo.

And the worst part is, kahit anong rant ko dito ngayon, Kahit ano pang galit ang sumasabog sa puso ko ngayon, At the end of the day, I still care for you and I just want you back. Sana mapatawad mo ako. Sana makausap na ulit kita.

[wiccanpoet14]

Pagdurusa sa Kalooban

Sinabi mong walang galit sa iyong puso Ngunit bakit ramdam ko ang poot sa iyong mga mata Noong saglit tayong magkitang muli Pilit kong tinatanto ang mga salitang iyong binitawan “Iwas muna.” Di ko maintindihan Umiwas? Umiwas saan?

Dahil ba sa takot… Takot na hindi ko mapigilan ang aking sarili sa nararamdaman? Dahil ba sa pagkasuklam… Na hindi tama ang pag-ibig ng isang tulad ko para sayo Sa mata ng nakararami Na tila ako’y may karamdamang dapat layuan Dahil ba sa pagkainis… Na dinaragdagan ko pa ang magulo mo nang buhay

Akala ko iba ka sa kanila Kaya ako nagtiwala Ngunit ngayon, Nagugulumihanan ako’t balisa habang dumadaloy ang patak Ng mainit na mga luha mula sa aking mga mata para lamang sa iyo Lungkot at hapis lamang ang nadarama ng aking puso’t isipan Sa bawat sandali ng katahimikang hindi kita kausap Sa bawat sandali na pinili mong hayaang nakakalat sa kawalan Ang mga basag na piraso ng ating pagkakaibigan

Bakit pa ikaw? Sana iba na lang. Bakit ko hinayaan na sa unang pagkakataon May taong magparamdam sa akin ng ganito Walang saplot at nagdurugo ang kaluluwa at buong pagkatao Nais kong maging manhid na lamang Kung saan nababalot ako ng lamig Lamig ng mapagpanggap na ngiti at saya ng sandaling hindi kita naaalala

Wala akong ibang ninais kundi ang iyong kaligayahan Pilit kong tinatanggap na wala akong puwang sa puso mo Ngunit sana’y bigyan mo ako ng pagunawa Na kahit isang butil ng palay lamang ng iyong buhay ang sa aki'y ibahagi Pagpapahalagahan ko ito na parang natatanging natitirang biyaya Sa lugar na nakatutuklap ang init at sa uhaw ay walang pumupukaw

Sana’y hindi ka lumayo, Hindi ko pa kayang mag-isa na wala ka Sapagkat nakakarindi ang mga salita binibitiwan lamang ng hangin

[wiccanpoet14]

To You Whom I’ve Loved

I shouldn’t have dared to ask 

If I expected a reply that would just open up scars I’m already trying to heal How foolish of me. I never thought I would feel this way ever I always thought that I could just stay in my bubble of reservations To always smile, be happy and polite To just focus on my career and materialistic goals

Who could have known I would meet someone like you Who would turn my notions upside down Who would make me feel that what I have now is incomplete

I thought I’d be over it already That I would find closure in our conversations of compromise For a professional friendship I mean... I knew beforehand what your response would be I thought I was ready… to just shrug it off and move on But I guess I’m not coz’ I’m still pretending to be ok.

To keep my revelation to you between just the two of us is torment Maybe things would have been different if I kept it to myself? Maybe it’s just bad timing? Or maybe not? I would still have felt these emotions I’ve long hidden away Whether or not I did what I did But at least the suffering of my soul was mine alone I could have avoided all the awkwardness between us

You’re the only one who made me cry again You’re the only one who tarnished my sense of reason For me to think of doing actions despite them being so obviously irrational You’re the only one who continuously shatters my heart with jealousy Even though there was never anything between us to begin with How selfish of me, right? And now I don’t know what to do. I’m still confused. I don’t know if the decisions I’ve made to move forward is real or just an escape.

So I write... I write again during the darkest time of night before the breaking dawn of morning light. I write to jot the pain away. Hoping that each word would be panacea to my bleeding soul. All I can do now is wait and hope. For hope is all I have in this moment of melancholy and spiralling sadness.