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Love this show.

Been doing a lot of reflecting lately. I’m coming from a pretty dark place. Between anxiety about my life course and general frustration about my living situation and all the normal life stress on top of that, I’ve been a static mess. But it’s going to get better. I keep saying, “tomorrow will be better.” I’ll be better. I’ll try harder and I’ll grow from it. Lots of thought on that, actually. That even the shitty days where I do nothing are actually opportunity to grow. Everything is, if you look at it in the right light. You’re just constantly becoming the accumulation of every moment you’ve survived thus far. Therefore better, or worse if you’re letting it beat you into the ground rather than climbing on top of it. And I’ve had a lot of the latter in the past. Fortunately, it’s really never too late. It can all just click together one day and suddenly all make sense. And it’s funny that it’s not going to be the same experience for everyone. Feeling “better” won’t even fit into this metaphor for someone else with different experiences. Ah, everything is so...shit, I can’t remember the word. Different for everyone, anyway. I’ll revisit this later.

I probably won’t go to school. I don’t have time. I’m too easily frustrated and I’m worried I’ll have a breakdown with all of this on my plate. So, that notion is indefinitely on hold. I did, however, design a loose schedule. A lot of people have been telling me that a routine will help me get a handle on things and feel better in the process. I was going to start with a strict regime, but I realized that I was setting myself up for failure, so I just outlined some of the things I already do, and hopefully I can refine it as time goes on. And if not, oh well. I’m not one for routine. I am communicating better. I still have a bit of an edge to what I say because I am a mean bitch. But, I’m trying. I’m taking a lot of steps back so I can gain some perspective. My anxiety has been on the rise because I feel like I have to do all of this stuff or I won’t be happy. But, in that thought process, I’m actually not happy because I feel like I have to do all of these things. Catch 22, huh? Anyhoot, I had this crazy moment of clarity while watching my son play. I raised a pretty cool little dude, and he’s only getting cooler by the day. And my girl will be just as cool. So, I’m doing something right, at least. This is my focus. These little turnips let me know I’m on the right path.

Gorgeous day, today. It’s still a bit chilly and windy, but there are these storm clouds building, even though it isn’t supposed to rain today. The sun keeps peeking through and gives it this eerie dreamlike look. I guess like an uncanny valley vibe, in that everything looks like it’s sculpted by the perfect shadows and highlights. Like a stop motion film of a miniature world, I guess. And the fresh air smells amazing mixed with the scent of the blueberry muffins I just put in. Anyway, today is a good day. My son is with my mom, giving me time to do all the housework things that seem to keep getting out of hand. Although, it has gotten better this past week, balancing everything. My sweet little one month old is asleep in her swing...which I worry about, but it seems impossible to get her to sleep in her crib during the day. Days like this aren’t so bad. I am alone and it’s peaceful. I don’t feel too much pressure to be doing something more than being. But it’s still in the back of my mind. I’m just me today, and that’s enough.

I am a terrible mother

Not really though. I do all the right things. I shower them with affection, implement learning experiences into play, and feed them healthy...ish. My son eats more spaghettio’s than I’d like to admit and who knows what the amount of caffeine I consume is doing to my breastmilk. (I do. I know. I’ve done all the research and it’s below the “excessive caffeine” line, don’t worry). The “terrible” is my ambition. I feel like all of these uncharted dreams I have are far out to sea and unobtainable now that I’ve docked my adventure, seemingly permanently. And this adds to my anger, which leads to guilt. That guilt is as polished as a clam’s pearl, pressed way deep inside and shining through in little passive aggressive actions and words. I rein it way in for my children, but it’s there, poisoning me. But what should I do? I want to go back to school, I want to go back to work, I want to be able to provide and thrive. What path is best? What won’t I fail at? There is also the added stress of living with my ex. It’s not completely unreasonable, these are his children, but I am losing my mind. I want to slap him every time he does his Tarzan yawn. I avoid being in the same room as him, just in case reflex takes over. I hate that he meows at his cats. I hate his cats. I’ve grown less fond of my own because he adds to the plural “cats”. He doesn’t help AT ALL with the kids. The ex, not the cat. He’s gone all day, from the time he wakes up until he comes home to sleep. I buy all the food with my savings, which is going to run out eventually. Up until recently, I bought all of the diapers, clothing, essentials to keep my kids alive. I don’t leave the house anymore, so I can’t do that. This was so much more eloquently written the first time I blasted it out. My computer froze and I lost it all. The gist is: What do I do? Go back to school when I have no set career path? Get a full time job and hate my life for the rest of time? Find an apprenticeship? I just want to make over 20k a year. I want my own home. I want a semblance of happiness. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask for.

#momblr #rant #save me from myself

How difficult would it be to become a full-blown minimalist who lives with a horder? Sounds like a good idea for a self help book. Or a sitcom.

#me

No one can make me feel guilty for my mistakes. I see such beauty in what they've created.

I have the sweetest little boy. I picked him up from my mother's and got big hugs and kisses. She told me how good he was and how much fun he had. I wish my mom didn't work so much so she could watch him more often. How lucky am I to have such a sweet little duckling and a mother who cares for him so. I really need to stop being so negative, because he is the happiest little boy and I need to preserve that for as long as humanly possible.

I made this because I've become a burden to my friends and family. All I do is complain and jump to the next wild life goal as a means for escape. I just want out of this unhappy stage in my life. Pregnancy is part of it, yes. Being pregnant sucks. I've hated it both times. Love my squishy biscuit as I'm sure I will love this little squid growing within me, but the process of their gestation is like being dragged through broken glass for 9 months. I've alienated myself. I have no idea where to turn. No one will help me if it doesn't adhear to their terms. I am absolutely stuck. I'm trying to be patient, but I have this fear life will only be that much more difficult once the squid arrives, and I won't be able to move forward.

#life #fuckingsigh

Or maybe I'll do the old dream and be a tattoo artist. Who the fuck am I, anyway?

I want this mess sooooo bad.

#someonelendme40k #home

A couple of months ago, I wanted to be a teacher. The past few weeks, as I've been digging and digging for any shred of hope towards owning a home, I've theorized being a real estate agent. And now, with prospects on the horizon, my new career choice is *drum roll* a real estate developer. Every one of them takes time and money to achieve. I want so much, so soon, it's very hard to focus on one goal. I'll be leaving my current job in a month. I'll have to strip my savings to stay afloat. I'm going to lose my mind living in this house with this person I can't stand. Hiding in my room, growing ever more round and angry. I need a focus. I need something to aspire to.

#life

I lead such an uncomfortable life. I live with a man I hate, work a job I dislike, and struggle with all of my misgivings. All I do is dream of leaving. It keeps me up at night. Alas, I am virtually broke, minimal savings, and soon I won't have a steady income. I have to keep going though. For my children. For myself. I sometimes wish I had faith to drive me, but instead rely on sheer will.

#life

What the heck?

#idkhowigothere

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