WidmerWrites

Writer of Speculative Fiction. WidmerIndustries.com

[widmerwrites]

Well, let's see what kind of dippin' sauce they serve with this turd sandwich.

[widmerwrites]

Woke up sick. Got out of bed to see how bad it was.

And I was mostly okay. My body just felt generally confused and unsure about the future. No big deal.

Then I was like, wait… that's brain stuff.

Body should not be feeling stuff like that. Body probably needs to lay down.

[widmerwrites]

Ya know, interstellar archaeology was a lot more interesting and mysterious before the universal translator was invented. I mean, we flew all the way to Alpha Centauri and discovered an ancient mine below the surface of a moon, right? And we find all this amazing graffiti, scrawled on the walls by workers well over 50,000 years ago. 

Then we flipped on the translator, and it turns out most of it is like, “Jason Freund is a lying bastard who smells like ass.”

And the more symbolic art we found? Paleoxenobiologists now think they’re… alien dick doodles.

[widmerwrites]

So the bad guys got away, but it’s okay because the good guys put a tracking device on their ship...

Wait, sorry, they used a ‘Locator Spell’. Forgot what genre we were in for a second.

[widmerwrites]

Toenails: The Musical 

…think about it…

[widmerwrites]

Turns out cheating the system works.

[widmerwrites]

Just following up on my previous messages about your car's extended warranty. Are you interested?

[widmerwrites]

Crazy that having payphones everywhere and actually having to use coins to pay for every single call somehow feels more appealing than whatever the fuck we have now.

[widmerwrites]

Got scammed yesterday.

Pretty sure the best way to get through it is to assume it was my fault somehow.

[widmerwrites]

Went to see Finrod the Fantastic Fire Drake.

Turned out to be a skinny horse with wings strapped to it.

[widmerwrites]

Shakin’ like he’d had too many gas station dick pills.

[widmerwrites]

How many countin’ fingers can I fit in my mouth at once?

Less than I thought, actually.

[widmerwrites]

Weather Forecasting and Divination are essentially the same thing.

CHANGE MY MIND.

[widmerwrites]

Thinking about doing one of those new ‘parasite cleanses.’

Not sure if the demons will fit through my ass though…

[widmerwrites]

“Wait, hang on a second, I have it right here.”

“...you’re just gonna pull a middle finger out of your pocket aren’t you?”

“No…”

“......”

“Sike! DOUBLE MIDDLE FINGERS!!!”

“Eww! I thought at least they’d be yours! Where did you get two extra middle fingers? They don’t even match…”

[widmerwrites]

Just gonna click my claws and waddle away like a sassy crab.

[widmerwrites]

Further up my ass than a park bench splinter.