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@wiggenstaffs-wiggenstuff
During finals i walked in on the lime genasi sitting in the annex dorm showers under running water eating a lime, holding crab boys crab, and having a staring contest with one of the cats and like, i get it, but hes been haunting my dreams
The genasi scares me on every concievable level, he haunts us all
Lorraine’s asleep so I’m giving y’all the Forbidden Fuck Tally
just watched a sudent get called on by a teacher and instinctively without looking up he insisted that the teacher call him “sir” djfjgjgjgkgjv the teacher was not impressed lol
Fucking Crab Kid
i recently got a heat lamp for my tropical plants and many times i have caught my dragonborn roommate moving the plants so they can sit under it,,,,, how do i get them to stop??? my plants need that light???
Just make a schedule. Designate time for your roommate to sit under it, and the rest of the time can be for your plants
it feels like pretty much everyone on campus knows about the Potato Method,,,, literally anytime anyone mentions having a crush, a “USE THE POTATO” always follows,,, hell yeah bro
It’s like,,, the catch all
Someone has been stealing literally all the limes and the staff has done NOTHING. It’s just completely unacceptable to let your students be so open to scurvy. #bringbackmylimes2020
Sleepwalking Genasi, is this you? Scurvy... isn’t a problem at school. You are actually the one stealing all the limes and we are just retrieving them
I’ve been incredibly insulted by the fact that the crab kid has dethroned me as campus cryptid. I worked hard for that title, it’s not easy to walk crop circles into the snow at midnight in the dead of winter, but this dude just comes in with a glittery crab and all my hard work is out the window! I did NOT tell all the freshmen that people shit on the floor so one of them could dethrone me. It’s hard work being the best villain, but I do it for all of you. -Changeling Cryptid
Crab kid who makes people call him sir and changeling who made crops circles at midnight in winter, fight for the title of true campus Cryptid. I’m rooting for you changeling friend!
h-how did your roomates get the butter in our dorm vents..... hoW DID IT GET THERE???? HOW????
They’re both mages and Marlena is very small and angry
The Horrific Wonder That is the Butter Mine
We’re back! Sorry about the long break, but we had some stuff going on. HOWEVER! Over said long break, we took a trip that was one part roommate bonding, one part research, two parts gluttony, and one part hubris. That’s right folks, we went to the butter mine! It was probably the weirdest thing any of us have ever done for this newspaper, so of course we had to share it with you.
Okay, so we did some preparation for our trip to this odd sounding mine. We stayed at a nearby inn. The night before, we had a small dinner, packed a change of clothes, and turned in early. As it turned out, that last bit did nothing for us and we all overslept anyway. We put on some messy clothes, Emi grabbed her worst notepad, and then we were ready to go.
When we showed up to the mine, we were escorted by some tired sounding staff past a diner looking building, and into a locker room. We were allowed to leave our backpacks and change of clothes in the locker room, they gave us hard hats, buckets, and shovels, and then we were led into the mine itself.
The actual mine was... weird. Emi wrote “weird” down in her notes, so I think it’s okay to say that. Butter was everywhere. It coated the floors, oozed from the walls, and dripped from the ceiling. Right off the bat, a glob of butter fell directly into my ear, and I yelled fuck at the top of my lungs, which I think was a very tactful response to the sensation of butter sliding through my ear canal. Emi started a tally called “how many fucks said per person at the butter mine,” which Lorraine has requested not to attach to this article, likely because she considers herself a somewhat polite person, and was at the top of the list.
While I was freaking out about the ear butter, Marlena was going to town with her shovel. It was insane. She’s a gnome, and I honestly figured that her arms were too short to be very effective at it. Lorraine mentioned this out loud and got a shovelful of butter to the face for her trouble.
After filling up two buckets, it became routine. Pick up the bucket. Walk to a particularly buttery spot. Lift shovel. Scoop it in. Repeat. I stopped thinking about what I was doing and instead thought about the homework in Mr. B’s class that I wasn’t doing. That faded away after I’d worked out the details. I lost track of time. There was only the butter mine. Pick up. Walk. Lift. Scoop. Repeat. It became rhythmic. Then I fell flat on my ass, my horns got covered in butter, and I yelled fuck even louder than before. I got three tallies for pure volume.
At this point, we were told that our butter would be waiting for us in the diner, and that we should shower off and go eat. I think the staff wanted us to leave.
The pancakes were good, and the butter was amazing. We scarfed down multiple plates of food before finally declaring ourselves to be full. We still have a disgusting amount of butter, and Lorraine and Marlena have been placing it in odd places for people to slip upon by accident.
So that’s how our trip to the butter mine went. It was... weird, and you really should go there yourself. Let us know how it went! Also let us know where you find our surprise butter!
Villain-track halfling here. I’ve decided to dye my hair in an attempt to look more intimidating. Color and fantasy dye suggestions welcome, especially if I can pick them up in last hope. Or magic? Anyone have a hair color spell?
I personally think that purple, crimson, and black are all good colors, but you If you do black, use the metallic hair enchantment so that your hair matches your spikes.
Crab kid may be an asshole sometimes but he is hot and i love him
God everybody here thinks either Crab Kid, Rainier, Mr. B, or Hernandez is hot
How do you ask out the Firbolg? I gave him a potato, and he just ate it raw (instead of eating me out raw, lol.) How do I flirt with this big beautiful boy?
I think the key to talking to the accounting firbolg is to say exactly what you, as clearly as possible. If you dont, then he does shit like eat ornaments, and raw potatoes too i guess
i saw a dude who i thought looked interesting and so i did a quick sketch and decided to show him,,,,, he said i got his nose wrong???? that his nose simply wasn’t “knightly enough”????????????????????????? help?????
It was the Fucking Crab kid, campus Cryptid, he’s kind of an asshole so like, dont pay him an attention, I’m certain that it was lovely
ok so trial three: we decided to give the firbolg a break and give him some plain, delicious, hot cocoa. With milk and everything. the Good Shit. brought it to him and he took one sip, ONE. FUCKING. SIP. and told me he didnt care for this one??????????????? is my grandma’s recipe not good enough for you???????? I try to be NICE and THIS is what happens?????? fucking good thing im enrolled in the villain program idk how the heroes do it tbh
Wild. I guess Firbolgs are just Like That. ALSO. NON LACTOSE INTOLERANT PEOPLE WHO MAKE HOT COCOA WITH WATER WHEN MILK IS AVAILABLE ARE WRONG.
I'm going out on my first assignment soon and I'm really nervous - is it gonna be like, dangerous? The upperclassmen keep telling me stories but idk if they're fucking with me or not
Mostly they’re just fucking with you, but the assignments Have varying degrees of danger. Marlena got hexed by a long acting sleep spell, but we’re all juniors.
Help I rolled a message potato at a cute guy, and now he's talking to me? To make matters worse ( better?) My roommate sent me a message saying he found a potato asking me outtt. It was good advice I suppose, but now me, a socially awkward bard, is going out with the man of my dreams? Help!?
That’s awesome! Just be yourself. That sounds cheesy, but if you tell corny jokes and that makes you laugh, tell the damn joke. If he’s the man of your dreams, then live your fucking dream. Go on cute dates to coffee shops. Steal Bartholomeus’s quills. Banter. The sky is the limit!
I need to find the crocheting dwarf! I crochet too, maybe we can get a club going. Anyone else who wants to join, let’s meet for breakfast, I’m a halfling wearing lots of spikes
FUCK YEAH, CROCHETING CLUB! I DONT HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR IT, BUT LORRIE DOES, SO SHE MIGHT JOIN YOU!!