untagged vent post because my I think my brain is melting :) (feel free to insult me in the reposts)
god this is just like that ONE IMAGE where it's like, there's one dog behind a fence that only one picket removed so the dog can see what the other three are doing. They're playing. It's titled "Here's the life I always longed for" then we see the behind the fence's POV, where turns out it's leash is a chain that connects to a fence post thats out of sight. "The life I've always longed for"
Then it shows the dog happily playing with the other three, it being a circle now. It escaped. It's still wearing a chain collar or broke out of it (as evidenced by a darker patch of color around it's neck) but it's not connected to the chain. It's free. The caption is "I will make it mine."
But what if the other three dogs stop playing entirely and growl at the fourth. Urging it go back to it's life behind the fence as it's unwelcome as it doesn't understand the game at all? They tell you to go back behind the fence, because you don't know the rules of the game, because you showed up late, because they already have their circle and it's full. THAT would be titled "They will not allow me to make it mine." and what if the dogs bite if the fourth insists because it swears it'll be good? That's basically my situation. It becomes a "You will never have the life you have longed for." which is awfully depressive.
It's a realistic ending, frankly. Maybe it's just pessimism again but you don't know the social norms. You can fuck it up and you can feel like you are in a hopeless situation where the only real solution is to realize that your the problem, the flaws aren't fixable in you as a person, and try to strangle yourself with the chain as the only solution as you tried and tried and tried and realized that your just a Bad Person. You're a bad dog. And some human notices that some dog is trying to literally kill itself and doesn't notice what's beyond the fence, undermining the problem entirely. And you end up in the pound for examination. Maybe i'm just taking the metaphor overly literally but the way a singular tumblr post sent me into this spiral is not healthy. It then devolves into a "I do not deserve to make this life mine. Good Riddance."
I rewrote it just to be a brutal story where despair is the only option. There's a comment on the pintrest post where I found this where it's like "my favourite part is how not only is the fourth dog happier and benefited but every single one of them is healthier, and fuller. When you find the right people they will need you just as much as you need them" Optimistic bitch. Grow up. Reality doesn't work like that and it never will.
… maybe thats why im alone. I literally insulted someone over being optimistic. I'm disgusting. I'm grieving something i'm physically incapable of doing after a certain age and now I take it out on other people. I think I was optimistic once. I believe I was. When I was young, I would "make friends everyday". Friends with random kids I would meet in the park or a theme craft or something. But then reality sunk in. Undiagnosed neurodivergence that wasn't fully understood and accommodated happened. Elementary school happened. And I just…. gave up? I gave up. At 17, I am in a country that is failing all of it's citizens (america) and will never become something that everyone wants. There is war.
Humanity is a scorch on the earth. And being a home-body parasite who can't write functioning adults without adding age regression or making them sound like teenagers and quietly rotting away in a bedroom without a proper sleep schedule or reason to do anything isn't helping.
"Here's the life I always longed for" "The life I've always longed for" "I will make it mine." "They will not allow me to make it mine." "You will never have the life you have longed for." "I do not deserve to make this life mine. Good riddance."
Wow. I'm such a depressed POS. Six sentences that tunnel into despair.
