call me crazy but I think it'd be easier if surgeons learned how to operate on fat bodies instead of expecting every single fat person to lose weight before getting surgery
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@wiliecoyotegenius
call me crazy but I think it'd be easier if surgeons learned how to operate on fat bodies instead of expecting every single fat person to lose weight before getting surgery
i actually have a different, angstier idea for a pale lady/captain vampire crossover
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context under the cut:
you know what. fuck it. new pinned post. it's time. *clears throat*
hey, you. the tumblr user reading this. do you like:
vampires?
reading fanfiction from fandoms you're not in?
fictional men suffering and being tortured?
learning about obscure french literature?
cool monster women?
The Horrors?
read my webcomic
"what's it about?" glad you asked! it's a crossover of two books approximately 4 people have ever heard of, The Pale Lady (1849) and Captain Vampire (1879), with a bonus cameo appearance from the play Le Vampire (1851), which approximately -2 people have ever heard of. this gives it a vanishingly niche target audience but I Don't Care, this comic is my baby and i want everyone to read it.
set in Romania in 1877, it follows sad gay and recently dead Romanian army conscript Relia Comanescu and his best friend Ioan Isacescu, who are raised from the dead by a smokin' hot bandit vampire prince so they can fulfill their dying wishes: get revenge, and go home. unfortunately for them, neither of these goals is as simple as it sounds. what is home, when nobody wants you? how do you get revenge on somebody who can keep coming back from the dead? and just what does this mysterious prince want with them, anyway?
note: this thang is very much intended for mature audiences. we're talking graphic violence, torture, rape (offscreen but heavily alluded to). read at your own discretion
for something less dark and less obscure you can read my other webcomic, League of Extraordinary Gentlefolk. It's like if League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was good.
Dr. Seward: So... you suffered a complete break with reality
Jonathan: yes
Dr. Seward: But you are no longer in need of hospitalization
Jonathan: that's correct
Dr. Seward: explain
Jonathan: the sanatorium I was at treated me until I got better
Dr. Seward: ...define "treat"
Jonathan: they let me rest, gave me good food, and provided a safe and kind environment that allowed me to heal myself
Dr. Seward:....
Jonathan:
Dr. Seward:....
Jonathan:
Dr. Seward:....
Jonathan:
Dr. Seward: but when in the process were you studied like a bug??
I think people often misunderstand my position on the Habsburg incest thing as "no, don't make fun of the royals I like!"
When really it is "I find it unnerving how fast people make fun of physical disability and equate it to moral goodness when you make it slightly ok to do so in context."
You wouldn't believe how many history books sound like they want to say slurs when they talk about Ferdinand I having hydrocephalus and epilepsy. Conditions, I must stress, can be caused by other things. Conditions other people have.
Well, you see, I'm talking about them as real historical people with real disabilities and not the Targaryens.
But yes, I'm making the point that people are looking for a situation where it's ok to be abelist.
Look, if you want to critique the politics of the Habsburgs and the idea of the empire and the whole structure of monarchy, go ham. I will help you in that endeavor if you want.
However, there's so much going on with that approach to it, so here are my thoughts in no particular order:
This idea presumes so much choice that just did not realistically exist for so many people. Archdukes and Archduchesses more often than not had no say in their marriage partner, because marriage wasn't about what they wanted. You, woman in this family, have to marry your cousin because it's what is best politically, and how you feel about the concept doesn't matter one way or another. This happens to men too, though less so, but off the top of my head you can look at Crown Prince Rudolph's marriage being more or less decided over his head. So, preference to marry a cousin you barely know really isn't factored in at all. You're lucky if your parent cares about you being happy in the marriage.
It's not about purity, it's about politics. The rule isn't that you had to marry a relative, it's that you had to marry a Catholic from a ruling dynasty. Add in the idea that this was chosen for you from a set of politically advantageous matches, because daughters and sons are assets to be used strategically, and you get a lot of marriages into the same set of families. As crass as it is, letting your children marry downward is wasting a bargaining tool. For the Habsburgs, the religious bar is also important and pretty constraining, especially when they aren't on good political terms with the other major Catholic powers (France and Spain) so you get Italian state and Bavarian marriages. If you keep reinforcing those alliances through marriage, that also means you're probably marrying a relative. Look at how quickly they leap at having new options when Belgium is established as a friendly Catholic state.
The above problem is complicated when someone in your family becomes Grandmother of Europe. Maria Theresa's extensive marriage politics means that a lot of the possible marriage candidates are almost certainly related. This is also, by the way, how we get Victoria's hemophilia being so widespread in the Courts her children married into, and everyone seemingly being cousins by World War I.
There is a lot of "might" going on with how disability works here. Ferdinand I's Wikipedia page ("citation needed" all over the place by the way) is littered with how his disabilities "might" be caused by heredity. But they could also be caused or compounded by many of the other things that caused birth complications or disability to be more common historically, like insufficient medical knowledge about prenatal care, insufficient maternal nutrition, or infections during pregnancy or after birth. Epilepsy certainly isn't constrained to just when your parents are related to each other.
Look me in the eyes and tell me that historians routinely acting like this man (who actually functioned pretty well in a world without anti-seizure medications) had no sentience because he had a disability from birth is schadenfreude.
Even if it was the product of their parents willfully having a preference to never marry the lower nobility or the bourgeoisie because they think they're gross commoners or something, do we really want to reinforce the idea that disability is a moral punishment?
It wasn't just Habsburgs who married cousins, people, until just a few generations ago, most of the human race lived in small villages and married within them about half the time.
Yes, things are different now, we know what lethal recessives are and also we get more opportunities to travel and meet people from different families. Just like we know more about hygiene and nutrition. But that doesn't mean people who knew less were bad, or didn't care about their children.
the vourdalaks introduce themselves
millie <3
momento dracula now on ao3!
3 entire chapters of it, even!
Featuring:
A truly staggering number of literary vampire cameos
Everybody dunking on that old man
Me dunking on the concept of the Carpathian Guard
Ruthven dunking on the concept of him becoming prime minister
Jack Seward entering his villain arc the way he SHOULD have done it [glares at Kim Newman]
Justice for Arthur Holmwood, Kostaki, Count Vardalek, and more
A Horla
Chapter 4 is up!
they should do emmys for gifs
A Brief Account of Why Vampires Are Romanian (or Rather A Not-At-All Brief Account of How They Actually Aren’t)
So, in the 1720s-30s, some villagers in Vojvodina (which is now a part of Serbia but was then a part of the Hapsburg Empire’s Kingdom of Hungary) had what they perceived to be some vampire-related problems and some Austrian military doctors came by and documented their decisions to solve these vampire-related problems by digging up dead bodies and attempting to violently de-vampirize them via beheadings and stakings and other sundry forms of mutilation. Some of this documentation came to be published in newspapers and periodicals across the rest of Europe, and suddenly the rest of Europe was all like “Whoa! Vampires are a thing!” and they found said vampires terribly interesting and promptly wrote political satire about the parasitic upper classes metaphorically sucking the blood of their underlings. As one does.
Eventually, in 1746, a French priest named Augustin Calmet wrote a big treatise on demons and ghosts and all manner of other spooky stuff, in which he included a lengthy discussion of vampires. He called it Treatise on the Apparitions of Spirits and on Vampires or Revenants of Hungary, Moravia, et al., which you will probably observe as not containing any reference to Vojvodina or Serbia at all. Like pretty much everyone else writing about these events, Calmet just categorized the experiences of the Serbian villagers as being a thing that happened in Hungary because technically they did happen in what was Hungary at the time even if they didn’t involve any Hungarian folk beliefs.
And so for the next century and a half, vampires were Hungarian. While Lord Ruthven (”The Vampyre,” 1819) is something of a fluke, given that he’s just Lord Byron if he were an immortal hemophage, a very sizable chunk of the vampires that you actually see throughout the nineteenth century’s literary vampire tradition are debauched Hungarian nobles. You might not recognize names like Alinska (La Vampire ou la Vierge de Hongrie, 1825), Marfa Sergeyevna (“The Vampire,” 1841), Marian Gregoryi (La Vampire, 1875), or Count Vardalek (“The True Story of a Vampire,” 1894), but they are all Hungarian vampires, and they probably all irritated the actual Hungarians of the day who tried very hard to explain that -no- they didn’t actually have any vampire myths (apparently Arnold Ipolyi was cheesed off about this as early as 1854).
Now, while you might not have read any of those obscure vampire texts I rattled off, you probably do recognize names like “Carmilla” and “Dracula.” But wait, what’s that you say? Dracula!? Isn’t Dracula supposed to be Romanian? Isn’t he Vlad the Impaler, vovoide of Wallachia (AKA old school Romania)? Doesn’t he live in Transylvania, which is in Romania?
Well, here’s where things get interesting.1 First off, back in 1897, when Dracula was published, Transylvania was -you guessed it- in the Hungarian part of Austria-Hungary, and like Vojvodina, people just tended to round Transylvania up to being “some part of Hungary” even if the vast majority of people living there were Romanian. Romania existed, but at the time Dracula was published, it had only been an independent state for fifteen years and Transylvania most decidedly was not in it. Bram Stoker, who never went to Transylvania in the first place and did most of his research via really condescending/racist travelogues, constructed the fictional Transylvania within Dracula by copy-pasting in bits and pieces of books that were not only about Transylvania, but about Hungary and the area near the Carpathians in general, nabbing whatever he could find that sounded cool so long as it was nebulously in the region he was describing.
And one cool thing he found? From one book, titled An Account of the Principalities of Wallachia and Moldavia, we know that he took notes about a historical Wallachian voivode whose name was given as “Dracula.” This book doesn’t, however, mention much else; it certainly doesn’t mention any of those completely metal stories about a guy impaling people or nailing turbans to emissaries’ heads; it doesn’t even use the words “Vlad” or “Impale” anywhere near this Dracula’s name; and the whole story of this Dracula (and his father, also a Dracula) takes up all of three pages. Don’t believe me? Go check. Right here. Through the miracle of GoogleBooks, you can experience the entirety of Bram Stoker’s known sources on Vlad III in the next minute or so.
So yeah… there’s not much there. It is seriously not outside the realm of possibility that Dracula is called “Dracula” because Bram thought it was a pretty cool name that he erroneously thought to mean “devil.” As for the tiny snippet of historical context that got shoved into the book (that part where the Count mentions somebody who “crossed the Danube and beat the Turk on his own ground” and had an “unworthy brother”) this definitely does refer to the itsy bitsy, super small blurb on Vlad III that’s in Wilkinson, but it’s not in any way clear that Dracula is actually meant to be identified with this personage. I could go into more as to why this is so murky, but it’s something that has already been hashed out in sort of awkwardly excruciating detail here by Hans de Roos.2 The short version is that there’s a historical “Dracula” mentioned in the text who clearly isn’t Vlad, who doesn’t seem to have a real world equivalent, and who makes an awful lot of sense to read as being the Count.
In any event, we have a bunch of stuff that points to the Count being yet another Hungarian or Hungarian-coded evil vampire nobleman, and some of this stuff isn’t all that subtle… like Dracula literally telling Jonathan Harker that he is a member of a Hungarian ethnic group. The Count also makes a point of mentioning his use of Hungarian linguistic conventions and, if you look in the novel’s original typescript, you can see that the woman with the stolen child was supposed to have referred to her persecutor as “Hungarian” rather than “monster” at one point in the drafting process. Even with all this rather blatant evidence that Stoker was working within the “Hungary=vampires” paradigm, however, Drac’s Hungarianess still isn’t 100% neat and tidy. It can’t be. Stoker’s culturally insensitive collage of whatever spiffy-sounding factoids he could find about an ethnically diverse region with incredibly complex, intertwining Romanian and Hungarian histories just does not result in a well wrought Hungarian character, and we’re left with a confused hodgepodge of Romanian and Hungarian elements. The thing is, though, that said hodgepodge just so happened to become the most famous vampire of all time.
So what happens post-Dracula? Once the stage play and film take off, people start to take elements introduced in Dracula, even ones that didn’t have any precursors in literature or folklore, and decide that these are 100% ironclad things that real vampires™ do. Suddenly vampires all lack reflections; they cringe at crosses; they need to be invited into your home; and they all suddenly live in Transylvania. Also, TWO WORLD WARS HAPPEN, and at the end of them, Transylvania is actually in Romania, and as Dracula increasingly becomes a topic that nerds and academics and academic nerds like to nerd out about, some people examine the sad little dribblings of history Stoker dropped in the text and get the impression that maybe Dracula is supposed to be Vlad III.3 This was a pretty understandable thing to do, given that most people in those days didn’t have access to all the neato primary sources relating to Dracula that I mentioned somewhere above in describing how dinky the Vlad III evidence actually is.4 It makes sense to seize onto tantalizing historical hints within the text and assume that they might be a part of something grander, and eventually Harry Ludham’s completely bibliography- and source-free biography of Stoker lent the claim some additional credence by giving it out as a completely source-free fact.
What really got things going, however, was Raymond McNally and Radu Florescu’s 1972 In Search of Dracula, which really really really really tried to sell the Dracula is Vlad III angle and succeeded tremendously, all while describing the authors’ investigation into Vlad as it played out in their own visits to historical sites in Romania. The book, in addition to telling everyone very firmly and enthusiastically that Vlad III was totally Dracula, went to the trouble of explaining that its readers could and should totally go to Romania and see all sorts of rad Dracula things there, all while giving some cringey advice on how not to alert the locals as to the fact that they were weird vampire novel enthusiasts who wanted to gawk at historical sites’ relating to one of the country’s cultural heroes because some Irishman ostensibly wrote a book about him biting people. While I’ve come to regard as unnecessarily mean-spirited some of the later scholarship pointing out how crap McNally and Florescu’s scholarship was, their scholarship really hasn’t held up well, and by the time other scholars started noticing, the notion that Dracula=Vlad and Romania=vampires had become pretty firmly entrenched. By the late 90s, there were several books, movies, and even very legitimate and influential scholarly articles working from the premise that Stoker had had Vlad III in mind as the Count and wanted him to be a uniquely Romanian character, and owing to Bram’s strange, patchwork fiction of Transylvania, there were -in fact- a lot of Romanian elements within the text to support this idea. Vampires, which used to be Hungarian before Dracula, and who are even Hungarian in Dracula, eventually became Romanian because Dracula became such a landmark vampire text that people began to take Stoker’s weird blend of cultural elements as evidence of both Dracula’s and vampires’ Romanianess.
So even if all that has since been debunked on paper, this nevertheless sort of brings us to where we are now. Obviously, there’s a lot of changes in the depiction, perception, and reception of vampires that have occurred in the past twenty years, but we’re still at this weird place where most westerners generally think of vampires as belonging to a country that doesn’t actually have a folkloric vampire tradition… and the reason that we think that is directly related to the fact that for the better part of two centuries most westerners thought that they belonged to another country that doesn’t actually have a folkloric vampire tradition.5 It’s honestly all pretty zany, and while I sort of thought that I’d have a wise, profound, or otherwise satisfying end to this stupid long ramble about how weird vampires’ shifting geographic location is, I don’t really… other than -as always- nobody should really be a tool about vampires. This is not only because one shouldn’t be a tool in general but because there’s a non-zero chance that whatever deep-held truths you hold regarding them have been wrong since before you were born, and it is not impossible that you will live to see the day when somebody totally insists that a supernatural entity you’ve never heard of just lives in your place now and your fave historical figure always was one.
1. Or where they get interesting if you haven’t heard me give this spiel before. It’s that time of year, kids. | 2. Hans is a really nice/chill guy even if I don’t agree with all of his analyses in that document. You might recognize him as the individual who recently brought us the majestic pinnacle of high weirdness that is the recent translation of Powers of Darkness. | 3. Interestingly enough, it might be that the first person to do much with this was Dracula’s first Turkish adapter, who re-imagined Dracula in 1928 as a story about a marauding occidental foreigner from the West coming to get the decent, upstanding citizens of Istanbul… but that’s another story. | 4. They also didn’t have GoogleBooks and thinking of that reality makes me very very sad. :( | 5. Romanian folklore has strigoi, which sometimes are dead and sometimes drink blood, but are really more akin to evil ghost-wizards than vampires from what I’ve heard. Hungarian folklore has the lidérc, which also goes blood-drinking sometimes, but is apparently sort of more like a succubus that is also a chicken… I think. I do know that pretty much every article I’ve read (Florescu excepted) and account I’ve heard from Romanians and Hungarians on the topic of what people typically conceive of as vampires has been roughly "No, we don’t actually have those. Plz stop.” I’m of neither Romanian, Hungarian, nor Slavic extraction, however, so I’m more than willing to be corrected.
Everyone else in Whitby: Experiencing the horror of the supernatural storm and watching the Demeter almost crash, but miraculously make it to shore, only to realize there are no survivors left on the ship at the gruesome sight of the Captain’s long dead corpse on display
The Anonymous Correspondent, doing the absolute most to get this report down:
It seems that people most affected by Dracula, for a time, cannot speak freely. Renfield basically tries to spell that out while begging to be taken away from this asylum, but he says he is not "my own master on the matter" and cannot say that if he stays, he will let Dracula inside. Lucy also seemed unable to speak freely to Mina or Arthur, and arguably the same could be said about the Transylvanians, who would try to prevent Jonathan from going, but were not be able to tell him why. Try as they all might. And Renfield really really tried.
Dracula is meant to be an unspeakable monster and that's the key word in this sentence. Silence is a very effective tool and silence can be used as a form of oppression too.
Dash simulator when you follow a bunch of random blogs to add to the ecosystem:
mutual-1: had eggs for breakfast today
mutual-2: this post contains blocked tags
one-smeemble-figure-a-day: Smeeble with Strawberry, Happy Fun Company, 1997
fandom-mutual: does anyone ever think about blorbo’s oedipius complex
fantasy-nouveau: the most gorgeous illustration you’ve ever seen from some book published in 1903
retching-ribcages: a bunch of pictures of a sculpture collection depicting various household objects as meat
mutual-3: i hate this show i hate this show i hate all of you this place sucks
birds-are-cool: Splendid Fairywren (Malurus splendens), Native to Australia
blog-you’re-trying-to-impress: snorkum does NOT give good head hes gonna bite your shit and then start crying
fandom-polls: Who gives better head? (blorbo) (snorkum)
pretty-colors: #857ef4
mutual-4: just snorted a line