I love rats. Always have. My dad loved rats. His pappy loved rats. Itâs in our culture. You could say they passed down their appreciation for rats through wholesome family traditions involving rats, but the truth is, I would have been obsessed anyway. Rats were always on TV growing up, and I can barely think of a video game I played as a kid where my avatar didnât wield a rat. Now, it is certainly no secret within the Liberal Media that some people find my devotion to vermin to be âperverseâ or âsadisticâ -- especially in light of the many dozens of rat-bite massacres over the last thirty years that have killed hundreds, including children and teachers in American elementary school classrooms. But their ignorant judgment is beside the point. All that matters is this: my personal affinity for hoarding rats, breeding rats, and advocating on behalf of rats as if the rats themselves had the capacity to agree with what I argue is protected by the United States Constitution. And nothing will ever change that, because worshipping rats just makes sense. âNow,â you might say, âthis is America so youâre allowed to feel however you want as long as itâs not too negative about Marvel movies, but your rat-love is bad for society.â And I will say: WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH IF IT DOESNâT AFFECT YOU? And then you will say all snooty, âBecause every year in said society unacceptable numbers of people are killed by rats--â And that will be the first place where you are wrong and refuse to acknowledge it! Because THE FACT is, itâs THE PLAGUE that killed those people. Just because the rats injected Plague into those people via rat-bite does not mean the rats are responsible in a prime-causality sort of way! If you are so concerned about this non-problem, then why not address Death Himself instead of Deathâs Messenger, The Rat? I mean: have you ever asked yourself why you arenât drafting legislation to ban the Plague instead of hassling God-fearing rat-loving Americans about their Constitutionally protected beliefs? Are you sure youâre not acting as a Useful Idiot for Big Plague? But thatâs another rat-fact you fail to understand: Most rats donât carry Plague and some rats donât participate in rat-massacres at all! More often, rats are used for family traditions, like hunting (rats love carcasses) and posing for photos on social media about how rat-owners are marching for their rights. Rats arenât just animals -- theyâre a symbol with vicious teeth and disgusting claws and you canât control a symbol! Because really: if the practice of hoarding rats served as such an easily identified red flag about a human-personâs value system, then why am I arguing that itâs Good, Actually with such a rat-fink grin? Once youâre finished scream-crying you will inevitably say something like, âThis makes no sense. We need to limit the number of rats in society in order to stop the damage caused especially by rats.â And once again you will have fallen into a peanut-butter logic-trap that would easily be avoided by a rat, which is a cunning animal with an evolved sense of wisdom! Because you have no idea how many rats are really out there! Who is to say that banning the sale of rats will reduce the number of rat-bites delivered to ankles that should be wearing kevlar at all times if they donât want a little nip? You canât know the number and the CDC wonât study it because that would mean theyâre biased! Next argument, Willard! And you will say what you always say, which is: We know for a fact that the United States is the only nation with a rat-death problem, and itâs the only country that allows citizens to buy, sell, collect, hoard, deify, and post continuously on social media about how great rats are. The widespread rat-love is both a symptom and the disease. But those facts signal the true answer like Master Splinter pointing silently atop a warm cheese pizza: We have good rats among us! They must rise up and stop the bad rats wherever they are, which can apparently be anywhere at any time for any reason (particularly white supremacy). The only way to stop a bad rat with plague is to bring a good rat with plague to the same location and let them claw it out! More rats, not fewer! That speaks to maybe the greatest problem I see with arguments trying to ban rats: Felidae-enslaving coastal elites wouldnât know a Rattus norvegicus from a Bandicota. For me, caressing my rats, cleaning their fur, and constantly talking about them to people who agree with me before I speak is a soothing, wholesome activity that doesnât raise uncomfortable questions about what it means to love an entity that is frequently associated with death. My Haters, on the other hand, know only rumors and headlines about rats, and therefore cannot participate in arguments where I suggest not having memorized rat physiognomy disqualifies their opinion that began as a reflection on deadly rat-massacres. In the end, the Framers solidified my rights as a rat-owner in the Constitution because they understood what America is truly about. They understood, better than my peers who experience the rat-massacres in real-time, the signal importance of establishing arcane processes that legally protect the entirely inexplicable but never-questioned love that millions of Americans feel toward a killing machine that does not know they exist. It just makes sense. Always has.
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