Sam Winchester’s Journal – Entry #19
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, it’s been more than ten … no, fifteen … years since my last confession—if if telling Pastor Jim I drank my first beer with Dean when I was 12 and ended up drunk after half a bottle can be considered a viable confession, of course. I don’t even know how to do … this. The fact I don’t believe you’re listening isn’t helping, to be honest. I’m sure it’s some angel behind your desk who is in charge now anyway, a kind of Heaven’s civil servant who writes down carefully on a form the names, dates and sins of every human who enters this booth before sending the information to the “Absolution Department”. Or maybe you’re making an exception for me, considering I’m the guy who started the freaking Apocalypse …
Anyway, no more ramblings. Here it goes.
Forgive me father for … for … I don’t even know where to start! I should ask to be forgiven for everything, it would be simpler! I did so many things I shouldn’t have in my life, made so many mistakes I will never be able to repair that I don’t think I deserve absolution anyway. Even if I confessed for two weeks in a row and bathed in a pool of Holy Water, it will never be enough to wash away all my sins. And when I say “sins”… I‘m sure you’re more used to listening to husbands confessing about cheating on their wives with their secretary, or to kids telling you they stole candies at the supermarket. But me? I’m bringing things to a brand new level. I’m not here to confess that I’m seeing a hooker every Friday during my lunch break, but rather how I almost reduced the planet to a pile of ash, chose a demon over my own brother, killed Lilith, let Satan out of his box … among other stuff. Not bad for one man, huh?
But you already know about all this. I don’t like boasting but I think you have some idea of who’s the guy talking to you right now, as I’m some sort of “celebrity” up there. And down there too, unfortunately. Not that I asked for it …
The most terrible thing is that I was convinced all this time that everything I was doing was right. All I did was in the name of the greater good, but the more I was trying to avoid catastrophes and to save innocent people from what Fate had in store for them, the more I was rushing Earth one step closer to the Apocalypse. It was like … being in a car and hitting the gas instead of the brake when you see there’s a precipice right ahead. The only positive point I learned from this experience is that I’m a bad driver and that nobody should let me take the wheel. Ever.
What was next on the list, again? Oh yes, losing my soul. I almost forgot about that one. I know I’m not directly responsible for leaving a part of me down in the Pit, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have to face the consequences of my actions. What I did during this year and an half … I think it showed what my true nature was more than anything else. This person I had become, with no boundaries, no sense of good and evil, was still me no matter what. I’m not sure any other person who had to deal with losing their soul would’ve turned into a killing machine and caused such bloodshed wherever they went, like I did. It says more about who I really am more than all the other mistakes I made in my life.
I’ll never be able to forgive myself because I remember everything. I remember all these people, all these creatures I killed indiscriminately and with no mercy whether they deserved it or not, how they were begging for me to spare their lives, screaming at the top of their lungs not to kill them. The distress in their eyes still haunts me, night after night, even more than my memories of Hell sometimes. I never told Dean about this and he doesn’t need to know.
Speaking of Dean … it’s time to deal with the elephant in the room.
I can’t count how many times I disappointed my brother and how many times I let him down. Ruby, Amelia, not looking for him when he was in Purgatory, even leaving for Stanford years ago. All this is just a random list of symptoms that show I cannot be trusted whatever the situation. I know we are family and that we have to stand by each other no matter what happens, but it doesn’t explain completely why Dean is still here and how he finds the strength to face me every day after everything I did. I don’t understand how he can even tolerate me around him, how he can take care of me like he does, still seeing me like the little brother Dad asked him to protect. It’s only a matter of time before he turns away and I won’t even blame him. I mean, how could I? Every time I asked my brother to trust me, to let me “grow up”, we saw where it led to, huh?
Amelia was the last nail in the trust Dean had in me. He doesn’t say anything anymore, of course, except some quick allusions here and there or some mumbles when he’s drunk, but I’m sure that deep down, he’ll never forgive me. When I see how easily he came up with the list of things I had to confess, it says a lot about what he keeps inside.
I’m talking about my future with my brother, how he’ll probably leave me for good because he’s tired of handling me with care, like a bottle of nitroglycerin that could explode at the slightest shock, but none of these speculations really matters now. I know far too well what this last Trial means to me so conjecturing about my future is rather … out of place.
I don’t think I have anything to add, I don’t have the time anyway so, listen, Father: there’s no redemption for a guy like me, but you’ll have to make an exception and forgive me all my sins even if I will never be able to forgive myself. What is at stake here is too important and for the first time in a long time I think we can win and end this for good. Other people will die if I don’t finish this.
So, give me the strength to go through this and forgive me. Forgive me, Father, for what I am and everything I’ve done.
