i've touched heaven @wingedaches - Tumblr Blog

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having to shout down a group of 25+ year olds, including your own boss, because they keep saying shit like "big back" and "omg you're sooo skinny!" while at work is fucking ridiculous. like, sorry, but grow the fuck up, get off of that stupid fucking curse of an app, be aware of the people around you, and learn that pushing diet culture and eating disorders is not actually fun or funny in the slightest - especially while at work. <3

#i do not care when my team is having fun i don't care when they're being silly #in fact i enjoy that and i do my best to protect that and allow that for them as long as they are still working #but i swear to god i've given them enough warnings about it being unprofessional and rude it's about to be a write-up next time #sometimes - especially with this certain group - it feels like i'm from a different planet the way i can't understand what the fuck they're #saying #and it's not even their bastardized aave

i just want to be someone who could be worthy of love and safety lol

i just wish that i was enough for even a single person lol i wish i didn't have to spend all of my life begging for scraps of affection and acknowledgment i wish that my friends and family actually remembered me even when my usefulness has dried up i just wish that i could know what it's like to be safe and seen and understood and loved and to know what it's like to not have to live your entire life knowing that everyone will eventually tire of you and leave you behind anyways

#but it's not ever going to happen for me lol #doomed always to never be enough and still somehow always too much <3 #how fucking lucky i am how fucking wonderful it it to have to live with this all your life <3 #not a priority to anyone not important to anyone not ever fucking enough to make anyone stay but still too much #for them to even want to <3

being severely mentally ill queer trans aroace poor and having no help is such a fucking isolating and lonely and scary experience but i can't say anything about it because there are very few people who actually truly understand and to the people who have jobs that they love / have enough money to do more than just survive / have partners and families that love them and support them / graduated and have degrees / have a house / have mental illnesses that are more widely understood and helped / any combination of that it doesn't make sense to them and trying to explain any of it either only gets you 1) disgust and pity, 2) ignored, 3) told you should be grateful, or 4) told to try harder. like actually hi hello i am trying my fucking best but it's still not enough and it never will be because the world is not meant for people like me! even outside of suicidal ideation i don't believe that there's actually a future for me. how could there be when the world does not care? how could there be when i'm already not enough for the people in my life? how could there be when my best isn't good enough for anything or anyone?

like the fun thing about being suicidal all your life but still having to be alive is that, due to severe mental illness and never thinking you're going to make it to the next birthday, you're so incredibly behind in life than everybody else your age because you couldn't handle your first try at college, right, and you can't afford it anyways, even with scholarships, and you didn't have any real friends until age 23 but you've also been poor all your life and you will never be able to escape the cycle of poverty and so a college degree beyond a ba (that is only available to you due to the job that destroys you every day and is another reason why you can't just "get a new job") and a house are not ever going to be an option for you, especially because you're somewhere on both the ace and aro spectrums and past relationships haven't worked out because of that - because you're either too aro or you're too ace - so there's not even anyone to help lighten to load or think about having a future with and you're told to be grateful for the things that you have and you are, you truly fucking are, but when the people around you having fulfilling jobs and master's degrees and have the ability to go back to college and have a house that they can call their own and make it a home with someone they love and who loves them and everyone's going on vacation or taking time off of work for getaways or to travel with the people they love it's hard not to reminded over and over again of the fact that the world is not meant for someone like you.

like i try to not be negative about it because it's not always true for others and i'm very thankful of that fact. but i'm also very aware of the fact that my future is limited and that i will forever and always have to fight for every single thing i have. and yeah maybe that's something i'm meant to be proud of but actually i'm fucking exhausted and overwhelmed and i don't have any help and i have to do all of this on my own and it's so fucking hard and scary every single minute of every day. but i can't talk about it because then i'm being ungrateful or being told that having a partner would help but then it's the fact that no one will ever actually be able to love me cutting at me on top of everything else because i'm too much of one thing and not enough in another thing but i can't say that because then i sound pathetic and like an idiot who thinks that a relationship would fix everything (it definitely would not and 90% of the time i have zero interest in actually being in one again) and then we're back to "well find another job" but i can't because i don't have a college degree and bas don'r really mean shit anymore anyways and i can't afford to go to college without the help of my employer and so i have to stay because i do not have anyone to help or to rely on. and so i'm trapped and i'm lost and i'm so far past exhausted and i'm so lonely and scared that it feels like there's nothing left of me and yet somehow i'm still expected to give more and never complain or talk about it or want anything better for myself.

#but yeah it's whatever because i'm meant to be proud that i'm doing all of this alone right? i'm meant to be grateful only grateful #and never anything else because i'm not allowed to be upset or sad or frustrated or defeated.#and of course ''the only person who can save you is you'' but i'm so fucking tired of being the only person i can rely on.#i'm so fucking tired of not being understood or taken seriously and being left behind and forgotten and shoved to the side.#what a fun thing it is to know that you are not a priority to anyone that you will forever and always love and care for people more than #they ever could you and that if you have a future it's a bleak and lonely one.#but this is what happens i guess when you're not enough for anyone or anything and it doesn't matter that it's killing you.#it doesn't matter because you do not and the world is not meant for you.#but i'm talking to no one so i don't even know why i'm bothering to explain any of this.#it truly does not matter to anyone but myself and even then it still doesn't because it doesn't change anything or help anything and it's #not like me crying about is magically going to solve a single bit of it because there is nothing to solve or fix.#this is how it has always been and this is the way it always will be and thinking and hoping for anything different is pointless #and just leads to another night of me sobbing alone on my kitchen floor and knowing that if i tried to reach out to anyone i wouldn't get a #single response because that's what always happens and trying again will just break my heart even more.

being non-binary, aroace, severely mentally ill, and poor is such an incredibly lonely and hard experience and, honestly, i wouldn't wish it on a single person

#i want to be upbeat and positive and say something like ''i love being non-binary and aroace <3333'' but the truth is is that #i fucking hate it more than half of the time #i wish i could experience love and sexual attraction like others do i wish i could be comfortable in my own skin #it wouldn't fix much but it would make things easier

blackberreh-art

"I am Michael. I was not always Michael. I do not want to be Michael. Being Michael stole the only purpose I have ever known."

#relistening to tmp and got emotional over celia's ''things that sliced my who from me with claws like scalpels peeling away my layers first #then my memory'' echoing michael's ''even sharper than the joy of becoming is the agony of being opened and remade.#to have your who torn bloody from your what and another crudely lashed into its place.'' ):#which then lead to me getting emotional over gerry and michael's statements echoing each other with ''it /hurts/.''#and now i'm just emotional over the entire series lmao #body horror -#my favorite little freak of nature entity of insanity incarnate ❤️#ch: the distortion / michael #m: tma

polartss

She'd laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and gotten drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.

The first of 4 endpapers I got to illustrate for Illumicrate’s special edition of Six of Crows!! So happy I finally got to draw this scene!!

#i'm so sad that i missed out on the illumicrate editions #i wouldn't have had the money for them anyways but this is what i get for being so disconnected 😭#god i miss them #every time i catch sight of my inej tattoo all i can think of is how much i miss her and need to reread the series #but then i never do lol #ch: inej ghafa #ch: kaz brekker #s: i would have come for you. and if i couldn't walk i'd crawl to you. and no matter how broken we were we'd fight our way out together.#s: kanej #lit: soc

one of my favorite things about having chinchillas is that they will absolutely let you know when they think you're being a dumbass

#got my baby a new hammock but had to move one of his shelters to make room for it and the way he just stared at me for at least #a full minute before getting into the shelter and shoving it back to where it was before. . .#like okay i'm sorry 😭 i was trying to be nice and make sure your hammock wasn't in a place where you could fall off from and hurt yourself #so right now the shelter is shoved under the hammock rendering the hammock somewhat useless but that's okay for tonight #as he clearly is unimpressed and i don't want to actually stress him out #but goddamn i just know he was cussing me out in his mind 💀

it truly is astounding how, even when i try as hard as i possibly can, i am still not enough

#i've been crying since i woke up this morning lol #and i haven't been able to eat or get out of bed and i just wish that i wasn't like this and that anything i've tried to do #to help myself actually helped but i don't know what to do anymore #i've tried my fucking hardest in all things but it is not enough and i just don't understand where i keep going wrong #i want someone to hold me and tell me that it's all right that i'm hurting and that it's okay and that someday i'll be okay #but there isn't a someday for me and there isn't a person for me and so i'll just spend another day crying alone in my apartment #unable to help myself or explain myself and desperately trying to reach out to others but still not being good enough for any of it anyways #i just don't know what to do anymore #i'm so fucking scared all the time and i'm so lost and i'm so fucking lonely and my heart breaks ever single day and i don't why i'm still #alive and and i just really fucking wish i could do something right or well for once and that i could be enough for anyone #but as always: i am too much and still never enough #i don't know why i think anyone could love me or understand me anyways #because it's not really self-deprecation or being a cry baby when this is all your life has ever been is it?#but it's embarrassing and pathetic anyways and so i don't know why i can't get it through my head that it's always going to turn out like #this no matter how hard i try #it's always been like this and it will always be like this and i need to stop acting like there's actually a chance or hope for me

lunamonchtuna

— Unknown (via lunamonchtuna)

wanting to tell the people in your life that, yes, it is actually that serious and, yes, it is actually that bad and, yes, i need help and support and reassurance and comfort vs. knowing that there's no point because you've tried so many times before and it didn't matter then and it won't matter to them now

#what is it like to be understood? what is it like to be seen and loved and wanted?#what is it like to be safe?#just once i want someone to see me #just once i want to not have to beg for scraps of affection #just once i want to be important to someone #just once i want to know what it's like to be safe and know unconditional love

lovelornnn

GRIEF.

-LOVELORNNN FEBRUARY 2020

anxeious

junglejim4322

At the end of the day you have to understand some people are mentally ill like really really mentally ill on a level you can’t understand. I see this a lot when someone does something weird or incomprehensible and people are shocked trying to figure out their intentions and why they’d do it and it’s like there’s people who are psychotic or delusional or have rapid mood swings you’ll never be able to comprehend and very often people with other mental illnesses who are able to function more acceptably have a bad lack of understanding of that and compare what they can do and act like as the standard not understanding that’s not the same playing field

junglejim4322

People facing addiction, eating disorders, abuse, etc as well will do things you’ll never understand. Getting in the habit of not judging or at the very least not making the lives people who aren’t harming you worse, is actually, a pretty good thing to do

#and maybe actually rather than judging you should be thankful that you do not understand

flythesail

You should automatically get time off work until the light returns to your eyes and you feel like a real person again

goldensunset

per my last desperate howl at the heavens,

luxlightly

Having depression is fun because one of the main symptoms is that you want to kill yourself and one of the side effects of the meds is you want to kill yourself but if you at any point even IMPLY you want to kill yourself to your doctors in charge of making you not want to kill yourself, you are forcibly put in "wanting to kill yourself jail".

And I have news that may not surprise you about how "wanting to kill yourself jail" affects your mental state and what it may make you want to do.

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i've touched heaven