[winter-and-respite]

i drove a stake through the holes that they left

[winter-and-respite]

i give up, alright? i can't get this fucking knot out of my hair. I can't get anything done that i need to.

im tired of trying just to end up feeling shamed wherever i go. yea, i know it's my fault. that's the fucking problem.

my therapist gave up on me. she doesn't know what to do. im starting psychiatry again, but i know it won't help. i just don't know what to do anymore.

I've been homeless for awhile. I haven't eaten in days. I sustain myself on energy drinks.

I hope my body fails. Let me die.

[winter-and-respite]

i have a rat's nest in the back of my hair and no money to have it fixed or pay someone to help me, not any friends. (a rat's nest is a mess of tangled, matted hair)

ive spent so many hours trying to get it out in the shower or with olive oil.

i hate it. im going crazy and i feel like crying.

anyway that's what im up to. it's killing my drive to do anything else because i spend all my energy on saving my hair.

ugh. (may post a picture of it tomorrow, but it's difficult since it's on the back of my head.)

im should be looking for a job, but im too ashamed of my appearance to go out anywhere.

fucking kill me

[winter-and-respite]

am i only a product of my senses? an amalgamation of what i perceive? does everything i touch, hear, and see create me? all i am is inescapable destiny. a slithering feedback against the void. there's no motivation for living nor dying, no respite for refreshment.

my nails break on endless vacuum; a space to rip or black hole savior.

[winter-and-respite]

to my very soul, i am exhausted. do i even know how to relax?

[winter-and-respite]

i feel so alone i want to die

[winter-and-respite]

can someone please fucking care about me 😭

[winter-and-respite]

my entire chest and ribcage quivers and aches. i shake and wait, hoping maybe someday it will go away.

[winter-and-respite]

i feel trapped between a long, lonely, unhappy life -- or killing myself.

this isn't fair

[winter-and-respite]

sorry for being so worthless

[winter-and-respite]

i haven't eaten for three days now. at this point I might as well just starve myself to death

[well-after-all]

i am sick of life. i appear human, but belong nowhere. there is no acceptance to find. id rather be dead.

no one wants to be around me, not even me.

i yearn for deep, emotional, intense companionship. i will never have it. i will never even be able have a partner again.

i am alone. homeless and dying.

i am unable to socialize effectively anymore. i am unable to trust. i am unable to bond. i can't learn these skills alone, yet i will always be alone.

it's like living your entire life wanting to be a superhero and everyone gaslighting you as a child and teen that you can. then you realize it's all bullshit eventually. it hurts and you don't want to accept it. i cannot exist or pretend as an adult, a person of any kind really in my opinion.

this is the kind of alienation and utter societal abandonment that leads one to suicide or something worse.

what's the fucking point, you know?

---

this isn't even an original post. my suffering isn't creative. i don't even know why im writing it.

im eternally alone. there seems to still be some lingering hope that isn't truth that's hard to process. obviously right? id be dead already if there wasn't.