I accidentally ficced a tiny bit?
Show Shane used to drive a Jeep (we don't see this but in my heart it's Canon) as a rookie. His dislike of blocking his windshield view is legendary. There's a viral video (clipped from an Instagram Live of Pike's) going around of one of his teammates putting a wrapped sandwich on the dashboard while he's at a stoplight. The teammate needs both hands free so he can look for something, and it's just a flat-ass Subway sandwich, nothing huge. That day, the world gets a tiny treat as they get to see Bitchy Shane at his finest, talking about clear lines of sight and accident statistics. He actually pulls over to rant about it. It's been shared everywhere. Most of the people watching it aren't even hockey fans, they have no idea who Shane is.
When Shane's inevitably courted by Jeep for a brand deal (after he and Ilya have been outed), Yuna gets to work, because Yuna loves her son more than anything, but she, like Ilya, is possessed of the heart of a troll. A loving and well-meaning troll, but a troll nonetheless. She drags Ilya into it.
Jeep is known for their "yankee ingenuity" - working with what they've got. What they've got is clips of Shane, who no longer drives a Jeep but very publicly used to, being given ducks by Jeep fans, and being baffled and masking annoyance with confused smiles. In one video, a fan finally explains the Jeep-rubber-duck connection, and Shane replies, "But I haven't driven a Jeep since I was a rookie?". They have... Literally hundreds of these videos. The man, assuming he's not throwing the ducks away, must have a giant stash of them somewhere. And they have one viral video about his dedication to driving safety that is inching closer and closer to 1 billion views on Instagram. Gay or not, this man is meme gold. Meme platinum. They'd be morons not to work with that.
On April 4 (2022 probably), which is International Jeep Day, Shane shows up to Jeep Canada to shoot a social media video about him being the new Brand Ambassador for Jeep.
He gets money and a free Jeep, what's not to love?, Yuna had asked him last night, while he was panicking. Social media is the norm but he still hates it. It's also a brand, she tells him, that is associated with Manly Dudes Doing Manly Things, and just because he's gay doesn't mean he's not also manly, so this is a way to show the haters that they're the ones who should fuck off, not Shane himself. Hmmm. I guess it COULD be in 2021 but that would be like. A month at most? After Ilya and Shane's social media outing. Jeep would have had to pivot fast... Actually yeah, fuck it. It's April 4, 2021. This is PR for Jeep AND for Shane.
He walks onto stage and is greeted by Jeep Guy, their in house spokesperson on social media. He's an actor, and Shane will not remember his name.
"Hello, Jeep fans! We're in the studio today to welcome our new Brand Ambassador to our awesome Jeep Family: Shane Hollander! Shane is (insert all of his hockey shit here, I don't feel like looking it up bc I don't wanna read the books).
Shane, we are so happy to welcome you to the Jeep family, and to introduce you to your newest ride."
Shane replies with his scripted response, smiling at all the right times. He's a good actor, good at PR. Jeep Guy brings up a picture of the current Jeep lineup, and then it zooms in on what Shane's getting, and the two go over the specs. Shane will ask some questions, and Jeep Guy will answer. It's all scripted, which is good because Shane doesn't know shit about cars.
Shane's new Brand Ambassador Jeep is a 2021 Wrangler Rubicon 2-door, with a removable hard-top and soft-top ("For whatever the weather is like in Canada," the Jeep guy says, smiling winningly at the camera. Shane resists the urge to roll his eyes), which allows protection and insulation from rain and snow, light protection from wind and light showers, and the freedom of the open air.
The hard-top has an attached horizontal cargo rack, for any equipment that may not fit into the spacious back seat and cargo storage. The soft-top allows you to strap-through cargo directly to the roll bars. The roll bars are a space-age composite material to keep your cargo where it belongs, and to keep more precious cargo, like Shane ("and anyone else," implies Ilya) safe, in case someone causes an accident.
Jeep Guy then talks about how safe a driver he's heard Shane is and plays a little clip of him ranting in the viral video. This is off-script, but Shane has dealt with press junkets before. He can. He can do this.
Shane groans. "Comeau knew not to put sh- uh, stuff! on my dashboard! And Pike shouldn't have been streaming!" Jeep Guy giggles a little, sounding a bit hysterical (probably because Pike and social media is... A Topic), but he quickly segues into some of the videos of Shane being given ducks. Shane is getting redder and redder.
"Did you keep all of those ducks?" Jeep Guy asks. Completely off-script and, it's not technically a contract violation but it's not awesome, either.
Shane blushes even worse. He'll just be honest. It's not damning or anything.
"Well, the ones that were decorated I kept. They're cute, and people put work into them. I appreciate that they wanted to give me a gift. The ones that were plain and new, I gave to kids at games. I'd sign 'em. The... well-loved ones... I didn't feel right just throwing them out, because I'm not sure how to, honestly? Are rubber ducks biodegradable? I don't know! So I just kept them in boxes... until that one woman told me about Jeep owners and rubber ducks. Then I signed them all and keep them with me. Whenever I see a Jeep in the wild, I leave one on the hood. I'm almost out of them now! I think I have maybe 20 of the signed for leaving on Jeeps left. But I really love the idea of a ratty duck, signed by a random hockey player, showing up on your Jeep hood. I thought it was funny."
(Shane inherited some of Yuna's troll heart.)
Jeep Guy laughs. "Where do you keep the decorated ones? How many do you have?"
"Oh. I. Uh. Maybe a hundred? Hundred fifty? I've got a big dvd shelf in my trophy room for them. It's not the Stanley Cup, but if it weren't for the fans we wouldn't even have a Stanley Cup, so." He laughs. "I don't feel comfortable blocking my view of the road, so they'll never be in the car, but I still enjoy the fact that people thought of me while makin' 'em."
Jeep Guy laughs again. "Well, about that. We've been working on something for you."
A curtain peels back to reveal the Brand Ambassador Jeep. It's Shane's favorite color (whatever that is, insert that here. I'm imagining cobalt blue).
And... It has suction cup (and other affixatives - hooks, slime, removable plaster, command strips, etc.) plexiglas rubber duck displays all over it. Along the hard top roof (inside and out), along the less-important window areas, and in special recesses in the dash.
Jeep Guy explains: There are special duck-holders inside that rely on pressure rather than glue, so no ducks are permanently held and they can be swapped out. There are innovative ways to mount ducks, in temporary and permanent ways, that have all been specially devised for Shane and people like him, with the help of maker communities around the world.
(Jeep had been working on this for a while, and they weren't gonna let a little thing like being queer Jeep-ardize their plans. And hell, the gay thing? They can use that to their advantage. Advertisers are great at using tearful emotions to drive sales.)
Shane is given a lot of these duck holders, and even though he's kind of irritated that he wasn't told about this (autism! And surprises! Aren't awesome!), he's also touched, because he can interact with fans in a clearly-directed way, AND be a safe driver.
He is less touched when a gleeful Ilya shows up towards the end of the social media recording with his contribution: ducks MELTED TOGETHER, made to look like TruckNutz.
Ilya theatrically hangs the monstrosity from the trailer hitch while Shane facepalms. Ilya then grins and waves goodbye to the camera, and blows a kiss to both Shane and Jeep Guy.
The Jeep spokesperson laughs and says, "Hey, you chose him." It's literally the only acknowledgement of Shane being gay. It's a no issue - the perfect way to handle it.
Then Jeep Guy segues back into the features of the latest models of Jeep, with the pre-scripted commentary from Shane.
At the end, there's a brief recap about how these duck-innovations were all licensed through the makers that helped invent them, and will be available for sale on Jeep's website. This is both to improve traffic safety for duck-loving Jeep owners everywhere, and to encourage this playful hobby among Jeep enthusiasts. All of the proceeds after cost from April through the end of June will be evenly divided between the Irina Foundation and (insert your fave LGBTQIA charity here), in honor of Shane and Ilya. After that, Jeep will split profits with the maker community members, but every year, June will be a fundraiser for LGBTQIA orgs and the Irina Foundation.
Shane wasn't told anything about the duck stuff and inside, he's a mess by the time he's done.
Ilya is waiting for him in the green room of the filming studio. Shane cries into his shoulder. It's gonna be okay. He has Ilya, he has his mom, and he has a Jeep that's gonna be so full of ducks.
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