Spock's Raised Eyebrow

Science. Fandom. Other. Sandman blog over at www.tumblr.com/blogoftheendless

[bucksaiga]

Ilya Rozanov: #1 Best friend and Only Husband EVER.

[lavenderprose]

Shane thinks it's soooo sexy when Ilya busts out those English vocab words btw. Listen to the way he says "When did your English get so good" and tell me he's not wet. He thinks it's so sexy that he is married to a bilingual baddie who knows what the word pedantic means despite English being his second language and he has a sexy accent when he says that shit. Shane can't even be mad at being called pedantic because he liked the sound of it in his husband's voice so much. "I'll show you pedantic," says Shane Hollander, as he plummets to his knees in the kitchen.

[setulose]

Not to sound like a broken record but does it make anyone else viscerally angry how we realized in the very recent past that we can successfully eradicate devastating human-specific diseases (smallpox) yet now there's a million people telling you not to vaccinate your kids against measles. I know I know "everyone will not just" but also for real we could never have measles again if everyone would just be cool

[cloudabserk]

snugglebugs

[myfairynuffstuff]

Erika Toliusis (b.1969) - Pacific Angel. 2022. Oil with palette knife on canvas.

[boringmenace]

Ilya thinking he’s about to embark on a sexcation only to be bombarded by cutieful Shane Hollander with plans to spend the rest of their lives together which effectively alters Ilya’s brain chemistry to be The Boyfriend of all time is straight up the funniest thing about heated rivalry

[penandinkprincess]

I read your fic of Tuna Meltdown being averted because Shane didn't want to tell his mom he broke things off with his "partner" and. That is the FUNNIEST possible opening for the most chaotic Fake Dating AU of all time. Please please PLEASE be my fake boyfriend so I don't have to tell my parents their son is having meaningless sex. Nothing has to change, I swear, we'll just pretend to be chaste and polite and affectionate when my parents are around and have debauched and meaningless sex when they aren't. This will be so fine and normal and is totally a thing we can do.

GOD

yuna and david were supposed to go to this game but thought they would have to cancel because they'd already agreed to going out to dinner with some friends who canceled last minute and then david had to work late, so yuna decided to drive up to montreal after all, and SHANE! WHO THOUGHT THIS PLAN WAS ALREADY CANCELED! THUS DIDN'T CHECK HIS PHONE WHEN HE AGREED TO LET ROZANOV COME OVER THE DAY BEFORE THE GAME, WHICH THEY DON'T ALWAYS DO.

which means yuna lets herself into shane's apartment (because why wouldn't she? shane's not texting back, which is strange, but maybe he's sick? it is flu season. and she has his key anyway.) ONLY TO FIND! SHANE AND ILYA ROZANOV SHIRTLESS ON SHANE'S COUCH AND ALMOST GIVING EACH OTHER BLACK EYES WITH THE SPEED WITH WHICH THEY SCRAMBLE OFF OF EACH OTHER.

and like??? really only ONE FUCKING THING they could have been doing!! very obvious what she just interrupted!!!

and oh...OH. all of this talk about how it's complicated and how shane can't openly be with his partner and yeah. yeah she gets it now. (yuna, oh my god). it ALL makes sense now. (yuna, please.) and yeah, kind of a mindfuck that her son's partner is the man?? who is supposed to be his greatest rival?? but she's already had a year of knowing shane was seeing SOMEONE. sooooo uh. hello, i'm yuna, we've met before but not under these circumstances, it's so nice to meet you finally for real, and-

and meanwhile ilya?? no fucking idea what's going on. kind of having a heart attack because jesus FUCK does he have a lot to lose if this gets out, but also?? she's shane's mom?? so she can't out him without outing shane and he's pretty sure she's not going to do that-

and then he registers that shane is Fully Freaking The Fuck Out. like straight up looks like he's about to pass out. and he doesn't know what's going on, but he knows shane looks like there is nothing happening in his head but aol dial-up noises and car wreck noises. and like. listen. ilya is also thrown for a loop, but he's not actually an asshole. he can tell shane is fucking TERRIFIED, so he's going to try and do what he can.

and what's the easiest answer to give when he doesn't know what's happening? agreeing with everything yuna is telling him.

yep. he is indeed shane's partner. he doesn't FULLY know that he understands exactly what that is, but he can figure that out when hollander doesn't actively look like he's going to pass tf out on him.

it's also at this point that yuna clocks back in enough (listen, sue her, okay, she has been DYING to know for a year now, so yeah she got excited and single mind tracked for a bit) to realize that her son and her son's partner are both still shirtless and she CLEARLY just interrupted Adult Alone Time, so she 180s and is like, "i'm going to go get some coffee, honey, you two can...*vague handwave* and oh! actually! your dad might miss the game, but he can still drive up tonight and we can have dinner here and-" and she is full Yuna Hollander Full Steam Ahead.

and then yuna is gone and it's shane and ilya.

and shane just. slooooowly curls up on his knees on the floor because What The Fucking Fuck Just Fucking Happened.

and ilya is also still a little ???? but puts a pin in that to talk hollander down from the ledge because man looks Bad.

and now they've got like. MAYBE 30 minutes to try and come up with a fake ass story for this dinner they're apparently going to have.

AND THEY STILL HAVE TO PLAY A FUCKING GAME BEFORE THEN.

and shane is just, "i know this is so weird. i am so sorry. trust me, i would willingly walk into traffic if i thought that would fix this. please just go along with it and i will explain whatever i can explain later-"

so they end up having dinner and managing to pull this act out of their ASSES. and they nearly fumble when shane starts to call him rozanov, but he can't do that with his partner, can he? that feels weird. so he calls him ilya, and ilya feels a little !!! zip inside him because oh!! that's!! new!! and oddly nice!! so calls him shane back.

so now they've broken the seal on first names. apparently. some fucking how.

and because yuna is yuna and DID HER FUCKING WAITING, she is inviting ilya to come to ottawa for the easter long weekend since they'll have time and it's not a couple's holiday anyway and he won't be going back to russia with such a short turnaround time-

and. listen. does shane feel great about this? no.

but it still feels better than having to look his mother in the face and say his partner is actually just a guy he fucks sometimes with no strings attached (jesus christ, shane.)

and ilya...is kind of just. going along. this is weird and also potentially complicated, but now gets to put his arm around shane? and call him shane? and he gets to pretend to play boyfriends because they have the understanding that This Is Fake? tbh? kind of ideal. the fun of playing boyfriend without having to admit ANYTHING to himself.

and the easter weekend ends up being the first time they share a bed because!! they get to ottawa!! and of course yuna assumes they'd be sharing!!! oh my god!! there was only one bed because his mom just assumed they wouldn't need another!!!!

[penandinkprincess]

laughing about them both simultaneously thinking they're running a con and getting away with something because they're both SO dedicated to playing boyfriends (for SURE not real boyfriends!! just pretend!!! ilya is doing shane a favor and shane just REALLY wants his parents to buy it!! it's ALL fake, though, guys, don't even WORRY ABOUT IT).

like shane isn't actually bold enough to really initiate anything, but ilya (at least from what he would say) has no horse in this race and tbh? kind of fun to play boyfriend. it's SO OBVIOUSLY FAKE OF COURSE, but like. sitting next to shane. and holding his hand. and kissing his cheek. and even putting his arm around him. and doing things like grabbing him a ginger ale if he's already up. it's all of the stupid daydream things he's *thought* about. and now. he gets to do them.

BUT IT'S ALL FAKE. IT'S JUST FOR THE SAKE OF LYING TO YUNA AND DAVID. THAT'S ALL.

and meanwhile shane?? is getting cuddles?? and gets to offer affection in return?? and ilya is attentive and responsive and even texts him often now?? because they need to have their story straight with each other and what's going on?? so they talk pretty often now?? and they've even cooked together a few times because shane panicked a little when trying to come up with Shit Couples Do when talking to his parents about what he and ilya do and just threw out "COOKING" because his parents cook together (meaning yuna gets to watch like it's her personal food network show and play taste tester), and then yuna and david who both know that shane has allergies and is a little particular about things with texture, etc. are just ?? ilya knows how to cook in a way you like??? and shane is just. Yes That Is Absolutely A True Fact About My Relationship With My Very Real Partner Ilya Rozanov.

and i'm laughing about these two IDIOTS both feeling like they're getting away with something and both enjoying it and feeling guilty about it AT THE EXACT SAME FUCKING TIME.

[penandinkprincess]

GOD i'm actually extremely emotional thinking about how kind this is from shane's pov. (and it is kind! ilya is doing him a big favor here! he's just also getting something out of this that shane doesn't know he wants and is enjoying). like. he obviously trusts rozanov in bed at this point. that's never been a factor, but any attempts at connection have been dismissed to the point that he doesn't really try anymore.

and yet back to a wall, no way out? rozanov had his back.

and still has his back.

and GOD the guilt of feeling like he's tricking rozanov when roz is already being so kind and doing this INSANE thing with him just so he won't have to admit something to his parents that he doesn't want to. rozanov is over here being the ultimate bro, and shane is the horrible person catching feelings and enjoying lightly snuggling with rozanov on the couch even though it's all a performance and means nothing.

and meanwhile ilya is getting to play happy family and kiss shane affectionately instead of just passionately and get things he wanted but always told himself no to before.

and he just thinks shane is putting up wtih all of this because he's just so golden boy that he doesn't want to admit that he's just fucking ilya casually. like yeah it's a little crazy to be doing this whole pretend boyfriends thing just so his parents won't know he hooks up sometimes, but like. it's shane. this tracks.

which means that ilya is the horrible person taking advantage of this agreement of theirs and playing boyfriend because it feels good and it's fun to be accepted into a family and yuna and david are so welcoming to him. like he is getting this taste of something he wants SO BAD.

and yet it's not his. not really.

and he has to wonder who's eventually going to come along and take this spot from him.

because it's not his.

it never will be.

[penandinkprincess]

GOD the first night at shane's parents' house sharing a room and a bed and it's a little bit awkward because how could it NOT be, and it's kind of ridiculous to feel so exposed in pajamas around someone they've been naked with so many times, but there's that kind of weird shuffle of "this is what i look like relaxed and about to sleep, and you've never seen that before, and i've never seen YOU like that before"

and there is a moment after they first climb in bed where they're just laying on their backs looking at the ceiling and they both think about the first time they hooked up and glance at each other and just KNOW the other person is thinking the same thing and can't help but laugh. and then that makes it all feel more comfortable because like. they've been a little awkward with each other before. they'll survive. and after that, it gets easier. like turning on their sides and talking until shane (who is usually RELIGIOUS about his sensible bedtime) is yawning more and more until he finally drifts off.

and ilya knows he shouldn't. this isn't what they are.

but he can't help edging close enough to put an arm over him and enjoy the solid warmth of him held close. and he plans to let him go! he does! one little snuggle just to find out what it feels like and then he'll be done!

...but he falls asleep instead.

so shane wakes up snuggled up all cozy and is just MORTIFIED. oh god. he got clingy in his sleep. he knows from when he was a kid that his parents used to tease him about being a barnacle and now he's done it AGAIN oh FUCK this is going to be so awkward now.

and they don't mention it. either of them.

but when they go to share the bed the next night, they fall into it a little easier.

[penandinkprincess]

OH GOD THEY GET ASKED ABOUT WHEN THEY STARTED DATING AND GIVE TWO DIFFERENT DATES

internally they both panicked and just went "okay first time i felt attracted to you-" JUST ASSUMING. PROBABLY THE SAME FOR THE OTHER PERSON.

so ilya gives the date they met in that parking lot, when this beautiful freckled talented player came up and SO obviously flirted with him. ilya was interested immediately because of course he was. (but in a CASUAL way. SO fucking casual guys. SO casual.)

but shane goes with their first time in his apartment. two years of leading up to it. so much anticipation. and the interest was always there because of course it was, but that night he felt WANTED. and safe. and like something clicked into place for him for the first time. and it's SO CASUAL OBVIOUSLY, but he felt SO connected and comfortable and at one with ilya that night that if he had to say when they started, he would pick then.

but now they're just staring at each other like "what do you mean" "what do YOU mean" because APPARENTLY this is something they should have fucking REHEARSED.

and then that night OF COURSE IT COMES UP. how could it NOT. and they're more comfortable sharing a bed now so that part isn't so strange, but they're about to sprain something tapdancing around actually answering while still DESPERATELY wanting to know why the other person picked the date they did.

[penandinkprincess]

GOD the angst of shane living this out and his parents not only accepting it but looking so happy about it and enjoying watching him be with ilya. his parents like ilya and ilya at least seems like he likes them back, and they eat dinner together and play board games and it's fucking. it's perfect. and he could have this. he could have all of this.

except that it's not real.

[snowsmoked]

A couple months after Ilya left the cottage, he gets a notification on his phone. He thinks it’s Shane, his boyfriend, who’s been texting with him throughout the day.

Instead, it’s Yuna. But that’s not what catches his attention - it’s the group chat he’s been added to.

Hollander Family Chat Jane's mama: Hi Lily! Jane: Mom! Lily can’t have this chat name on her phone. Jane’s mama: Sorry, honey! I’ll fix it. Jane’s mama changed the group name to: Family ❤️ Family ❤️ Jane: That’s better. Just make sure her name is Lily in your phones. Jane’s papa: Done and done, kiddo! Jane: Thank you. Jane’s mama: Anyway, Lily, do you have thanksgiving weekend plans? Because I noticed you and Jane are both free that weekend and I thought…

Ilya put his phone down as Yuna detailed their thanksgiving plans. He could not tear up in the Bear's locker room.

He never imagined himself having this, never let himself consider it. Being in a family group chat. Having a family. He was pretty sure he buried that dream with his mama.

But the Hollanders welcomed him so comfortably. Even after he caused their son to lie to them. Even after all the things he’d done. They never even wanted an apology, would probably be confused if he gave one.

He’s afraid if he moves wrong it’ll all disappear.

But he has to respond because he wants to spend with holiday with them so much.

And the texts don’t stop there.

Family ❤️ Jane’s mama: Great game today, Lily! What a comeback. Lily: You watched? Jane’s mama: Of course! We watch all your and Shane’s games. Jane: Jane. Delete that text. Jane’s papa: And if we miss it, I have them on the recorder. Lily: Thank you.

~*~*~

Family ❤️ Jane’s papa: Lily, do you have any allergies? Lily: Russians do not get allergies. Jane: Yes they do and no, dad, Lily does not. Jane: Also, don’t mention being Russian.

~*~*~

Family ❤️ Jane’s mama: Lily, could I get the forwarding information for your agent? Jane got a proposal that I think will work out perfectly for you. Jane: Please call about this. Lily: Not only hockey players get proposals maybe I am famous model Jane. Lily. Jane’s papa: You could definitely be a model, kiddo! Lily: Thank you 🥰 Jane why are you unsupportive of your girlfriend. Jane: Boyfriend. Jane’s papa: Now I’m confused.

~*~*~

Family ❤️ Jane’s mama: I can’t believe the ref let Adams get away with that hit! Jane’s papa: . . .

Ilya gripped the phone waiting for David’s response. The metros had been obliterated 1-5 and Shane, fresh off a bruised wrist, didn’t play his best.

Jane’s papa: How’s your wrist, son? Jane: It’s fine. Jane’s papa: Lots of ice and elevation! You played great! Jane: I didn’t. Jane’s papa: You’ll get them next time!

Ilya breathed out, shaking his head. Shane didn’t know how lucky he was. And Ilya was so grateful he didn’t.

Eventually, Ilya even began initiating the conversation.

Family ❤️ Lily: Are you guys coming to MTL / BOS game today? Jane's mama: We are! Jane's papa: I know we can't wear any Boston merch, but we'll be rooting for you! Jane: Dad! Jane's papa: We'll be rooting for both of you! Jane: You can't root for both of us. Jane's mama: No comment. . . . Lily: I was wondering if you all wanted to come to my house after? Lily: After the game, I mean Lily: Only if you want Lily: Or don't have other plans Jane's mama: We would love too! Jane's papa: Need us to pick up anything before we come over? Lily: No, thank you. I have things to make dinner. I will send address. Lily: Thank you. Jane's papa: Of course! Have fun tonight, girls! Jane's mama: Play hard! Love you both. Jane's papa emphasized this message

Ilya could not stop smiling as he got all the ingredients together to make pelmeni. He separated the dough and the meats and sauce into separate little containers so it would be easier to make once the Hollanders arrived after the game.

He imagined doing this for years to come. Maybe when he and Shane had their own home together, making food for his in-laws, for their friends and teammates. Maybe even for their children.

For the first time in a very long time, Ilya couldn't wait for the future.

[gaynehollander]

Shane at 45 years old, watching some punk-ass rookie on screen beat the All Stars speed record that he's held for over a decade now: Baby, do you think I can come out of retirement for next season?

[mutinsfromthemoon]

a lot of the centaurs learning that shane fucking hollander hockey robot is a YAPER. some of them are walking towards the locker room and as they get closer they start hearing very animated voices talking loudly and they recognizes ilya and shane’s voices and shane is explaining something to ilya and ilya is laughing hard at that and they’re just going back and forth about this topic and having fun with it and then the teammates finally round the corner and walk in and see ilya sitting on the bench half dressed fishing to putting his hockey gear and shane standing up gesturing with his hand talking very animated and still in his compression clothes and then it hit them that they genuinely didn’t know nothing about shane outside his PR image and they learn that not only shane talk loudly and a lot but shane and ilya are genuinely best friends on top of being married. and of course ilya wouldn’t be wiling to marry someone that doesn’t make him laugh or understand his type of humor. the chemistry of hockey husbands are in and out of the rink. that’s soulmates shit fr

[byjove]

hares look like nefarious rabbits. hares look like normal bunnies but with malice brimming in their beady little eyes. if you had never seen a hare before, you would look at one and say “wow, this bunny fucking hates me”

[mymoonandmyshane]

its obvious to the centaurs when shane and ilya are fighting. not because theyre arguing and yelling at each other all the time, but because they are perfectly cordial to each other during practice. they dont chirp, bicker about plays, or roll their eyes at the other’s antics. they bring valid criticsm and advice just like they would any other day, but its all perfectly professional.

im imagining theyre doing drills and shane’s like: your speed’s good but you could be sharper when turning

and ilya goes: okay thanks for the feedback, you could be more aggressive during a board battle for the puck

shane: will do, thank you

all the centaurs internally: fuckkkk theyre saying “thank you” to each other for correcting their hockey, do we need a marriage counselor?

crucially their fights usually only last a day or two, so one day the centaurs are at defcon 2 trying to force them into a closet to make out up, and the next theyre breathing sighs of relief at shane calling ilya an asshole

[hollanov-words]

New headcanon that even though Shane is a millionaire, his parents still technically pay his phone bill because it's cheaper on the family plan and it's a pain to change phone plans and deal with phone companies and the plan they're on has good coverage in Canada and the US without roaming charges so it's just more convenient to stay on his parents' plan.

They insist he doesn't need to pay them back, it's only like $40/month, and it's only a drop in the bucket compared to the money Shane's spent on them so Shane lets it go. When Ilya gets settled in Canada, the Hollanders find out he's paying like $200/month for some fuck-ass phone plan he picked out at 18, so he gets added to the Hollander family phone plan too.

[darkkittyart]

Go back to your books… and your armchair. Plant your trees. Watch them grow. 🍁☕️

(The whirlwind with which these two characters have cemented themselves into my psyche. I adore them so much... l'd like to think this takes place in the depths of Erebor. While they have a still moment together. Soft, shy confessions before the raging storm.) 🥲

[jadziacore]

TOS fem!Spock vision board

[jelliedlimes]

I should do this to her sometime

[jelliedlimes]

Some quick fanart for this concept

[persephatta-crescent]

Mr Darcy: So I have learned from Elizabeth that Jane is in fact in love with you.

Mr Bingley: Oh my gosh, that's wonderful! When did Elizabeth tell you this?

Mr Darcy: When I proposed to her.

Mr Bingley: ...

Mr Darcy: ...

Mr Bingley: You proposed to the sister of the woman you said I shouldn't marry because of her family's unsuitability?

Mr Darcy: If it helps... she said no

Mr Bingley: *tackling him to the floor*

[angusbeefiestick]

Sometimes you are searching “snake hollander” to see the Spaghetti-verse beyond the people you follow and are reminded Hudson Williams has a snake tattoo, the siren is calling me to play in the sandbox.

Anyways, post TLG maybe once his series on the Centaurs socials gets some good feedback Shane does start looking into getting Spaghetti tattooed on his body (i know spaghetti is the first immortal corn snake), so Spaghetti is always with him. It is actually quite an involved process for Shane he goes to multiple artists (he loves Luca’s art but he just could not capture Shane’s dear friend/son in all his glory) , gets multiple sketches but nothing fits his vision or expresses the weight/importance that a friend like Spaghetti has had on Shane’s life.

When Shane brings it up in a video (not even one of his snake videos it is a “Get to know the lineup” type video for the start of the season and everyone is answering random questions and they are asked what their dream tattoo would be), his DMs are flooded with people who want to tattoo “The Shane Hollander”. However, he does get some great recommendations from the fans of his snake videos so of course Harris convinces him that maybe the people would like to come along for the ride.

The video(s) includes meeting the artist, the sketching process, them going through different placements, and of course Shane sitting like a stone statue for the tattoo. They do bring Spaghetti for the tattoo cause the little noodle is the true star of the series but Ilya has to hold Spaghetti/keep him in the traveling tank (don’t know if they exist honestly Shane is rich enough and dedicated enough to get some guy to make it) the whole time. The final instagram post is the healed tattoo and Spaghetti covering the tattoo perfectly cause obviously it is life size and how Spaghetti prefers to wrap around Shane.

Ilya is conflicted about the tattoo mainly cause he thinks it is so hot that Shane has a tattoo (and sat like a tank) but that is Spaghetti his adopted son who he loves and cares for but kinda creeps him out.