closure I guess
the other day I got a package from a Kickstarter I forgot I backed, a trans pride enamel pin, and for the first time in a while I saw those colors without having mixed feelings
the only thought I had was, "yeah, that's the egregore that people drove Isabel Fall to the brink of suicide over"
and the shock at realizing I felt no personal connection at all, at realizing I no longer saw the love Monica Helms put into those colors, made my entire life hit me all at once
there's no fixing this and no way to move forward
...
I saw the page of someone who insisted, "do not gender me or anything I do", rejecting any gendered language or implied relationship to gender, including "masc", "femme", "enby", "agender", whatever, excepting only "trans" and "nonbinary" for pragmatic reasons, but not identifying with them or their communities. they know gender hurts people and they know trying to fix a structure designed to hurt people only makes it hurt people differently, so they remove themself from it. doing something like that is tempting
but I only ever had the one dream, and even if it was too incomplete to chase for long and it's not really workable anymore I don't know how to give it up
there are some things I have to give up, though
