I remember when I first started questioning my sexuality I was certain I wasn’t a lesbian for a lot of reasons. Of course the first was that I definitely Liked Men :) but I also firmly believed in the “mean lesbian” trope.
It’s taken me a while to identify it but lesbians are often seen as mean, petty, catty, angry, ugly, man hating, illogical, and, well, mean. And I was a Nice Girl, so obviously I wasn’t a lesbian, because lesbians are mean and I liked to smile at people.
And I was disappointed when I admitted to myself that I probably was a lesbian, not only because I didn’t want to be, but because I didn’t want to be associated with lesbians. I didn’t want my community to be one of Mean Lesbians.
And while there are certainly lesbians who are mean, what I actually encountered in the lesbian community was not mean lesbians. I encountered tough lesbians, lesbian who took no shit from anybody, tired lesbians, and lesbians who had abandoned their conditioned femininity and heterosexuality in favor of presenting in a way more true to themselves, lesbians who refused to coddle both men and straight women alike, lesbians who had adapted to their homophobic environment by growing thick skins and self confidence.
And to the outside world, I guess maybe it does look mean. If we pretend that there is no malicious homophobia behind the Mean Lesbian stereotype (even though we all know there is) I’m even willing to admit that those who think lesbians are mean are probably just drowning in their own ignorance.
Realistically, there are a lot of other reasons people think lesbians are mean. Lesbians get a really shitty deal, for the most part, because of society’s refusal to value women or a love of women. And if you’re a trans lesbian or a lesbian of color? You can bet your ass society hates that even more.
Part of me thinks the Mean Lesbian stereotype comes from a hetero-patriarchal world trying to punish us for who we are. If we want to be unapologetically lesbian, then society will make damn sure that it makes an example of us to warn other women off our path and to demonize us as evil people.
Most of me wants to pin down why lesbians are so demonized (beyond the truthful but simplified “misogyny and homophobia” answer), but the rest of me is just glad I was able to break through the bullshit and see lesbians unpolluted. All of the Mean Lesbians™ I’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with have actually been wonderful and kind people - they were just tired of dealing with lesbophobic bullshit and dont have unlimited energy to coddle cis straight women and men.
At the end of the day, there are shitty people in every group, even lesbians, but generally lesbians have been some of the kindest, most genuine people I’ve ever spoken to, and I feel blessed to be a part of this community, even if society refuses to recognize us for the people we are.
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