oh the woes of being a middle child
lmao kidding im an attention whore
i figured out that the reason im so loud, dramatic, over the top ect is bc I want attention. i want my parents to stop forgetting im not in my room, i want to be the topic of the conversation instead of my sister, I want to be the one casting shadows instead of trying to crawl out of them. i think it all started in primary school. my older sister was well known, not always for the right reason but everyone knew of her. I was just her younger sister. people would come up to me and call me "kristas sister" i was not my own person. then as soon as i got to high school, it was the teachers. "Oh you're kristas sister?" they would ask, trying to hide a wince. She was a menace to the teachers, so that meant i was. screw the fact that i got higher grades, screw the fact that i was the quiet person that sat in the back silently doodling in my book. but now she's not at school. she dropped out and im still here. my teachers dont know who she is anymore. so why am I still being compared to her? "oh thank god you're not like krista" my friends say. MY friends say. These people barley know her. "but you're acting like krista!" my mum yells when i go without uniform. How crazy. Krista, the girl who made teachers quit? Krista, the girl who skipped so much teachers stopped asking if she was in class? Krista, the girl who was buying weed in an alley next to the school? im the same as her because i dare want to wear a comfortable t shirt? Yet, when i compare myself to her, point out that ive made it to my last year when she didn't, point out that ive never touched drugs, point out that at my age she had a baby, im in the wrong? Its alright for everyone else, just not me?
sometimes i fantasize about getting sick. I don't mean getting cold, i mean i wonder what my life would be like if i found out i had cancer. would my parents finally care? would they worry about me without brining krista into it? would i finally be the one that gets away with bending the rules? or what if i got into a car crash. would they finally let me have time to rest? would they finally spend money on me? I don't actually want cancer or to get hit by a car, but i do want the attention it would give me. I cant get it any other way. the last time i had my mothers full undivided attention, i was breaking down on the kitchen floor, choaking on my own tears. I win awards for my writing and get nothing, i lose my friends over petty arguments and get nothing, i make it the farthest in education in my family, and i. get. nothing. Krista got an A on an assessment and we went out for a celebration dinner. Krista called her friend a disgusting pig and she got hugs. Krista got suspended for calling a teacher a bitch and my mum took her out for fucking ice cream.
she has no expectations piled onto her, and yet she still gets every reward possible. I have every expectation, i am the one thats ment to graduate and become a lawyer and make all the money. i hate law. i hate it with a passion. i dream of being a writer, of my words and the hidden meanings in them making people i will never know feel seen, but my parents only see the successful one. the one that needs no help, the one that efortlessly gets the grades the first one couldn't.
every day is a desperate plea for attention. every breath, every word, every forced laugh, is me fighting to be seen, fighting for someone to see Jada, the Writer, not Kristas Sister.










