with love & courage

I have been irritating people since 1995 😘

[withloveandcourage]

Happy Birthday to me ♡

Was very cute that C made me breakfast in bed. He was like "because it's your birthday, you shouldn't need to do anything!!" and then 10 minutes later he was like "can you go get my tablet for me please?" "can you get me some cereal please?" "can you take my bowl in please?" I was like ah, nice whilst it lasted. A lot of those requests I was like nope, go do it yourself or I'll do it when it's convenient (e.g. going to the kitchen anyway).

I opened my presents from Simon and they're all lovely, can't complain. My favourite is probably the bracelet.

It's got my birthstone on it. Cute.

Close second is the otter key chain. Very cute.

Anyway after all the kids were sorted, I went and got a shower. It was relatively fast but I am now sat on the floor still wearing a towel around my body and another on my head. I wanna get dressed but I can't figure out what to wear.

C is going to his auntie's overnight and R & F will be spending a few hours with my friend so I can go have a quiet meal with Simon tonight. Should be nice.

Or it would be nice and I would be excited if I wasn't experiencing suicide ideation. Like, I was feeling it a lot yesterday and I have been taking myself off the hypothetical ledge. Truth is, I don't want to die. I just feel this like overwhelming sense of dread about the world and also my living situation is very suffocating and I don't know how long it's going to take to move house. We can't fucking afford food at the moment so debt is accumulating because it takes so fucking long for anything to be sorted.

Financially, I thought when we took C on, it wouldn't be as expensive as having a baby. Well, somehow our food shop has DOUBLED and Simon's wage & the additional benefits I get for the kids are not going far enough because his bitch ass ex couldn't just switch the payments she got for C over to us, she had to cancel it so now we have a 6 week interim where Simon still has to pay her child maintenance. Bitch bitch bitch. Bitch.

[pmamtraveller]

[withloveandcourage]

ah yes extra super birthday-induced depression

cant wait for all the Nobody Who Should Love You Loves You tomorrow lol

[kajalcorpse]

you really could be DEPRESSED for MONTHS and the only thing people will notice about you is how easily you get irritated

[windvexer]

IDK who needs to hear this but if there's something in your life that makes you feel better, but you never stick to it,

it's still actually perfectly fine to do it

and you shouldn't stop yourself from starting just because it won't be a permanent change.

Like if starting a new daily planner gives you an amazing afternoon of planning and four days where you feel in charge of your life,

why not do it?

It doesn't matter that it won't be a permanent change - 4 good days is still worth it.

If you ever catch yourself thinking, "I wish I could pray/stretch/prep/plan/do the thing, but I always get started on that and it never lasts more than a couple of days,"

what this really means is, "hey, I can feel better for a couple of days."

if this post is making you think of things in your own life that you wish you could stick to because of how good they make you feel,

just be aware:

you're not thinking of a list of ways you've failed to commit

you're thinking of a list of things that make you happy, and you should give yourself permission to start doing them as often as you want to

[dotykocalenia-deactivated202406]

[withloveandcourage]

I had a visitor in the garden today. She sat for a while and suddenly I didn't feel so sad anymore.

[pmamtraveller]

Clare Turlay Newberry

[carriedawayphotography]

Nature's Elegance

©2026 Carried Away Photography

[withloveandcourage]

The heat today is disgusting. I feel like it's all trapped in F's room and the fan is on max but it's still feels like there's no air. TELL ME HOW MY MEANT TO BREATHE WIT NO AIIIIIRRRRR ahem anyways

It says it might rain on my birthday

Bitch it better

[withloveandcourage]

My sweet postie delivered two birthday cards to me today. I recognised the handwriting on one of them (from my dad) and the other I was like hmm maybe this is my sister.

Anyway I opened the one that wasn't from my dad first. It was from my sister who hasn't spoken to me in like a year or so. I was like "oh, that's a turn out for the books" and then I opened the one from my Dad. It wasn't a Peppa Pig card this year, it was a nice one. That actually stung more.

I opened them today instead of Monday (when my birthday actually is) so that if the card was upsetting then it wouldn't ruin my day.

Now I am sat here with Tiffany's matter of fact birthday card and my Dad's much kinder-than-usual birthday card, and I don't know what to do. It's an Unexpected Item In The Bagging Area situation.

[ghibligif]

[sahlesummerhill]

[glitch--daddy]

Girls with the kindest hearts suck it the sloppiest

[withloveandcourage]

Yesterday was a full on day.

It began with me madly trying to clean everything up before the social worker turned up. Now, she is a lovely woman and there is no way she would have judged any of it but I felt like the house needed to be acceptable at the very least. But she arrived and took C out for breakfast so that they could have a little chat and see how he was getting on in a more neutral location. They were out a little under an hour before she came back to have a chat with me. The chat was promising; about getting C therapy, helping us be rehoused, figuring out if there's anything we can claim because our money situation is pants rn. The problem is a lot of these things have a 4-6 week waiting list when you submit changes/claims, so we are in the awkward financial interim.

But she went, and I put some more washing on, fed us all lunch (minus C who had just eaten an adult man sized breakfast- he had a snack plate later on) and hung that washing out on the airers. Got the kids swimming stuff ready and pretty soon we were all out in the blazing sun. It felt like when you first open the oven and it does that blast of hot air in your face. Disgusting.

I dropped F off at my friend's house and took C and R to their swimming lesson. I always sit in the viewing area just aching to jump in the pool, it looks so inviting! I love swimming, though I'm not the strongest swimmer, it's just such a lovely feeling being in the water.

The kids got changed and then had their diet coke and crisps on the steps outside before we walked back to my friend's house (she lives like 5 minutes from the leisure centre) and waited for Simon. Both C and R tried to convince me to come home as they didn't want to deal with F crying for hours like he did last week, but I stuck to my guns. The only reason F was crying so much is because his bond with his Dad isn't very good because they need to spend more time together. My friend was like ah no guys, your mum needs a break and she must have reasoned with them pretty well because they left me alone (for a while).

The kids were picking apples from her tree having a great laugh (whilst I desperately tried to recover from the heat as it was also warm af in the leisure centre) and soon enough, Simon had picked the kids up so I could have a few hours off.

F was upset. His face when he realised I wasn't getting in the van had me choking back tears, he was distraught and I feel so guilty. R said "can you at least come back before tea time?" and I was like lol no? My friend told him that that wasn't even possible. But yeah, when Simon drove off with them, I was like fuck sake this is hard I feel really *bad*.

My friend has been there years ago with her grown children and reassured me the kids would be fine & that I need a break - and that once F and Simon develop a better bond, this won't be so difficult. I'm like yep, true.

Next thing I know she's like "come on, I'm taking you out to eat" and I was like omg!! Awesome!! We ordered some Pina Coladas and some picky plates (as she's had a gastric bypass and I'm on the mounjaro so neither of can eat the sort of meals we used to), we had a laugh and took the pizza home with us in a few napkins because all the waiters were MIA. We had a good giggle about that.

Back at hers, we got into the hot tub and we had a few hours of drinking this orangey-peachy fizzy mixer type drink, chatting and having a laugh. It was almost half 11 when we called it a night, I took a shower at hers and then she dropped me off at the end of my street.

It was a lovely night. And then when I got home I noticed Simon had successfully put all the kids to bed, washed up, brought the washing in and put the bed up. He was waiting for me and I was like aw babe thank you so much. Very tipsy. Very loving lol.

[withloveandcourage]

Yesterday was a full on day.

It began with me madly trying to clean everything up before the social worker turned up. Now, she is a lovely woman and there is no way she would have judged any of it but I felt like the house needed to be acceptable at the very least. But she arrived and took C out for breakfast so that they could have a little chat and see how he was getting on in a more neutral location. They were out a little under an hour before she came back to have a chat with me. The chat was promising; about getting C therapy, helping us be rehoused, figuring out if there's anything we can claim because our money situation is pants rn. The problem is a lot of these things have a 4-6 week waiting list when you submit changes/claims, so we are in the awkward financial interim.

But she went, and I put some more washing on, fed us all lunch (minus C who had just eaten an adult man sized breakfast- he had a snack plate later on) and hung that washing out on the airers. Got the kids swimming stuff ready and pretty soon we were all out in the blazing sun. It felt like when you first open the oven and it does that blast of hot air in your face. Disgusting.

I dropped F off at my friend's house and took C and R to their swimming lesson. I always sit in the viewing area just aching to jump in the pool, it looks so inviting! I love swimming, though I'm not the strongest swimmer, it's just such a lovely feeling being in the water.

The kids got changed and then had their diet coke and crisps on the steps outside before we walked back to my friend's house (she lives like 5 minutes from the leisure centre) and waited for Simon. Both C and R tried to convince me to come home as they didn't want to deal with F crying for hours like he did last week, but I stuck to my guns. The only reason F was crying so much is because his bond with his Dad isn't very good because they need to spend more time together. My friend was like ah no guys, your mum needs a break and she must have reasoned with them pretty well because they left me alone (for a while).

The kids were picking apples from her tree having a great laugh (whilst I desperately tried to recover from the heat as it was also warm af in the leisure centre) and soon enough, Simon had picked the kids up so I could have a few hours off.

F was upset. His face when he realised I wasn't getting in the van had me choking back tears, he was distraught and I feel so guilty. R said "can you at least come back before tea time?" and I was like lol no? My friend told him that that wasn't even possible. But yeah, when Simon drove off with them, I was like fuck sake this is hard I feel really *bad*.

My friend has been there years ago with her grown children and reassured me the kids would be fine & that I need a break - and that once F and Simon develop a better bond, this won't be so difficult. I'm like yep, true.

Next thing I know she's like "come on, I'm taking you out to eat" and I was like omg!! Awesome!! We ordered some Pina Coladas and some picky plates (as she's had a gastric bypass and I'm on the mounjaro so neither of can eat the sort of meals we used to), we had a laugh and took the pizza home with us in a few napkins because all the waiters were MIA. We had a good giggle about that.

Back at hers, we got into the hot tub and we had a few hours of drinking this orangey-peachy fizzy mixer type drink, chatting and having a laugh. It was almost half 11 when we called it a night, I took a shower at hers and then she dropped me off at the end of my street.

It was a lovely night. And then when I got home I noticed Simon had successfully put all the kids to bed, washed up, brought the washing in and put the bed up. He was waiting for me and I was like aw babe thank you so much. Very tipsy. Very loving lol.

[sanseterrer]

Along the old linden alley