i’m okay. tbh thats an understatement. i’ve never been so happy as i am. university is everything i would’ve hoped for if i hadn’t been so afraid.
i’m doing things i love surrounded by people i’m growing to love and i’m slowly beginning to love myself. for so so many years i thought that being who i am would mean having to be lonely and mostly alone. by the end of school i was finally prepared to make the sacrifice and to choose integrity over company. now i know expressing yourself doesn’t have to be lonely, and that you’re never alone. even if its not right now, there will be a time when you are united with people who love what you do. patience is everything, it really is. i think the triumph i have now is all the sweeter for the fact i had to go through years of shitty stuff to reach it. there are over 7 billion people on the planet and you are not the only one who loves this, who thinks that, who does that, i promise you.
everything that made my life difficult at school makes it wonderful now. my commitment to making the world a better place, my poetry, music, veganism, all of that - caring, deeply, makes me likable and even admired. its taking some getting used to tbh.
its not all easy going. i get the panic attacks still. i am confused sexuality-wise (again). i need reassurance from people a lot and i worry that its misread as arrogance.
but the happiness is coming. at times i’m scared to feel it because i’m so worried its going to leave me but then i look around and i don’t know how i ever could withdraw and be unhappy. i’ve unintentionally built myself a wonderful support network. for months i’ve been ‘faking it until i make it’ -acting confident until the confidence is there and believe me when i say it works. i’ve become the person i pretended to be, who is the exact same as me, but a little more outgoing. all the other things - my kindness, my humour, my maturity - are as before, but they show more clearly when i’m actually talking to people.
i’ve finally had time to breathe, despite being busy than i’ve ever been, and my head may not be clear but its clearing.
on the off chance that anyone wants to keep in touch with me, send me an ask and we’ll figure out the best way for us to keep talking. i formed some really great friendships on here and i woud like to keep them, but i wanted to be certain i didn’t get sucked back into that pattern of withdrawing (which was partly facilitated by tumblr, as great a website as it is) and despairing about having no irl friends them withdrawing further.
:)
