"The Stars, My Dear, Are In Your Eyes Now."

28.Michigan.Dreamer.Romantic. "It's as if the leaves falling somehow screamed for me. I wanted so badly to fall with them”

[wolfxofxwars]

I sometimes forget this nagging

Seeping

Darkness that crawls from the back of my brain

Alone I can feel it clawing to get out

With you its held at bay

Like the sun you shine scares it away

[wolfxofxwars]

You’ve walked into my life

Like some kind of romantic comedy

And the idea of it

Has me sick

My heart skips a beat

And I can’t tell if it’s the good kind

Or if maybe I’m dying

[wolfxofxwars]

Hey siri,

How does one fall in love, and not replace the void of grief for fear of forgetting.

[wolfxofxwars]

People look for love

Like it will replace breathing

I look for it

Like I look for poison

I want it

But I don’t want to take it

[wolfxofxwars]

I fear falling in love

Of replacing you

Because what if someone fills that void

The comfort of the loneliness

The knowing that the ache

The ache is yours

The moment love steps in

I panic

Like a caged animal

What if someone loves me

In a way I’ve never been loved

And that void is filled

Will I forget you

Will I move on

I’ve never been ready

For love

But now

I fear it like an apocalypse

[wolfxofxwars]

It’s uncertainty

Like taking that first step into a pool

Early summer

Fear of the water being too cold

But excitement for the possibility it’s perfect

[wolfxofxwars]

I can’t feel my body sitting here. Like a numbness has swallowed me whole. I’m at the point where I can’t even beg someone for help because the aching somehow crept up into my bones and settled there like a mold. If I had one conversation with you, towards the end, would I feel better about all this? Would this aching be this bad? Years of friendship dwindled down to you laying unresponsive in a hospital bed in the living room. Could you hear me? Did you understand? The sorry I muttered under my breath, the Jesus please forgive me, the forget everything that’s happened because you’ll always be my best friend, no matter what? I didn’t get a proper response. I didn’t even get to tell you what I wanted because of the crowd gathering to see you off. To. See. You. Off. What was I even thinking. Did you even want me here? Was there still hatred there in your last moments? Did you want to scream at me? Or yell? Tell me to get the fuck away? Or was there finally peace, forgiveness, understanding? What I wouldn’t give to have that conversation with you.

[wolfxofxwars]

I sometimes wonder

Why I can’t find many photos of us

Just doing anything

And I remember

All the times we had together

We were so engulfed with the moment

We forgot

The phones

The social media

The selfies

And we just enjoyed the moments

The precious minutes

That I’ll never get back

And God do I wish

For a minute

Or a second

That I thought about a photo

With you

Just doing anything

[wolfxofxwars]

Days like today

It’s like the first time getting the news

I can’t stop sobbing

My throat keeps closing

There’s a physical pain somewhere

Somewhere deep in my body

Somewhere I can’t pull it out

No matter how much I scream

Now matter how much I cry

I’m incomplete

A piece that’s been missing

Since the day you died

Without warning

Without a goodbye

And Fuck does it hurt

[wolfxofxwars]

Nights like these

Kisses that taste like salt

Sand between the car matts

Come once in a lifetime

But with you

I create them often

Laughing

Chaotic

And unforgiving

[wolfxofxwars]

The pagans say the wind is cleansing

That standing in a breeze and meditating

Almost clears your conscious

I try it every chance I get

I may not be pagan but the thought

-the mere thought

Of something easing this loneliness

Has my blood pumping like a roller coaster ride

[wolfxofxwars]

Nights like these procured a specific nonchalant emotion. Sadness engulfed her body like a cold hug on an even colder day, but she wouldn’t cry, she felt at peace. Like the sadness that had been weighing her down was embedded into her skin-weightless. The wind rushed through her car window and she pulled the lever on her seat to lean back further. The car was off, she should’ve gotten out an hour ago, but this feeling was consuming. Like she was the main character in some fucked up movie of her life. This was the part where the sadness just stopped and her life began to turn for the better right? Where things magically fell into place and started looking up. An actual laugh escaped from her lips. If her life was a movie it was the kind without a happy ending. She wanted someone to hug her. To hold her until she felt warm on the inside again. It had been so long since she felt that kind of embrace. She accepted the fact that she may never feel the kind of warmth she felt when her father hugged her again. The pain of that realization shook her to the core at first, she would weep at the thought alone, but now it was more of a fact. There wasn’t anything she could do about it, except wish on shooting stars that maybe it wasn’t true. She’d have to look up the next meteor shower and plan to watch it. She wished for the same thing every-time now, that kind of love. It didn’t need to be romantic, just the kind that you knew you were safe in, the kind that you would just let go and feel comfortable. The kind that lasted longer than a normal hug because even in the moment you were afraid you’d never get one like it again. She often hugged people like that now, because she knew the feeling of the dire need for that kind of support. The reactions she got out of people were shock, or confusion, but every time there was a misty look in peoples eyes. The kind that makes you reach up and realize you were about to cry or were crying and you weren’t entirely sure why.

[wolfxofxwars]

I can’t watch sailor moon anymore

It’s tainted

Like a dirty glass that someone tries to serve you a 200 dollar glass of wine in

I can’t eat right anymore

It’s ruined

Like a sore throat and a hot pepper going down

I choke

On memories

On life

On my own damn breath stuck in my lungs

[wolfxofxwars]

one hundred and six

One hundred and seven

one hundred and eight

Days

2592 hours

155520 minutes

They all tick by like normal

I age like normal

My memory fades like normal

Thirty eight

Thirty nine

Forty

960 hours

57600 minutes

Fly by

Like I wasn’t even looking

Like I didn’t even realize

I drive alone

I eat alone

I workout alone

Then suddenly it hits me

Why I’m counting the days

And the hours

And the minutes

And I scream

I cry

I yell

I lost you

I lost you both

And the pain inside my chest is unbearable

I thought I was doing better

I thought I felt better

So why

Am I counting the days

And the hours

And the minutes

Since I lost you

Since I lost you both

[wolfxofxwars]

Her bottom lip cracked as her teeth dug into it. This was the type of pain she could handle. Physical, fixable. The tears streaming down her face were another story. Her screams at night could wake the dead, seeing his face over and over was worse than torture. How could she ever fix this? It wasn’t a bandage or an ointment. Everyone said time would make things better, but time keeps moving and she can’t. It’s like her heart was ripped out with one phone call. She physically felt ill thinking of it all again. Regardless of the time that passed the pain was still there. It use to be that when this type of pain hit she felt numb, she hurt herself to feel anything at all. She’d kill for that kind of power now. To shut it all off. All the healing she’d done made her feel, made her weak. Her insides rotted as she felt the loss all over again. She was bitter, and angry; but she didn’t want to be this person. Had she spent all her time fixing snd healing her wounds just to be dealt with a blow like this? Just to be ruined and soiled by something even more painful? Her fist clenched. The only thing she could do was fight it, fight the anger and sadness consuming her every thought. Everything done out of kindness was now viewed as pity. How dare the world look at her as weak after all she’d fought to obtain and become. Even this would have to be dealt with. Maybe they were right, time heals all wounds, but for her, time didn’t heal the wound, it just made her stronger, able to fight back with more tenacity than ever imagined. She would fight the anger and bitterness like an enemy Inside her own head until that enemy was no more than a fly buzzing in her ear. Annoying and irritating but nonetheless a fly. Until then, the people around her would suffer the volatile anger that seeped out of her like a poison. The only solution was to push them all away. It was the only way she could get out of this without causing anymore harm than caused to her.

[wolfxofxwars]

It was like riding a bike

-A bike I never actually learned to ride just somehow knew

-The balance

-The speed

-The feeling of familiarity

That’s how it is loving you

Before you it was messy and clumsy,

With you it’s easy and familiar

Like knowing how to ride a bike

Natural.

Fluid.

Familiar.

[wolfxofxwars]

There’s a pit in my stomach

It’s been growing since the day you died

Anger branching off like roots

And loneliness seeping through my pores

Like a toxin

I can’t cry anymore

I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t have the tears

Or because I’m angry

At the world

At the health system

Or at you

For giving up

For leaving me here on my own

I’m not sure how to cut it out

This pit growing in my stomach