If you cannot accept that I cannot immediately answer messages, or that I sometimes disappear for weeks on end, we cannot really be friends. Because you got to understand, I have anxiety in social situations. I have AVOIDANT personality disorder. I AVOID people, it's in the name!! I am convinced that I am inherently worthless and that my presence is a hindrance to others,and this is why I don't reply so fast and end up ghosting people. I am afraid to hurt them, and then my absence causes that fear to come true, because they take my absence to mean that I hate them, when the opposite is true. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then when they lash out at me and say they don't wanna be friends any more, all it does is lead me to the conclusion that i was right. I am WORTHLESS and a BURDEN, or else I wouldn't have been dropped like a hot potato.
Fuck humans. Fuck human relationships. The only beings who love you without prejudice will always be animals - even the most vicious dogs seem to like me and not judge me. Wild Crows flock to me. Pigeons sit on my shoulder. Rats boggle when I hold them. At least they see me as worthy. At least they don't complain about feeling "attacked" because I chose to self-isolate for a while. While humans always do.
Too many people I considered friends end up dropping me, and you still tell me I am supposed to TRUST? To open myself up for another round of hurt that will come FOR SURE? Fuck that. I'd rather be alone, and kill the last side of me that still yearns for connection with others of my species. No one cares about me, so why should I give a damn? And yet I want to love, and I want to care, and I DO. Even if it seems like I don't because I am gone for a while, I DO. I just have this expectation that even if we are apart for a while, we can still take it up where we left off, you know? I have the expectation that you won't take it as a personal attack when I don't answer for a while. I expect that you won't take my absence as hatred. In my eyes it is love - I spare you having to deal with a burden like me for a while.
The neurotypical people won't understand this at all. And the social media and being connected online 24/7 has made so many people think that you now have to ALWAYS be available. But I can't. I just can't, my personality disorder doesn't allow for that. Leave me alone, I need to be alone, having to reply immediately or you will explode in rage will make me upset.
Or maybe all I find are abusers and people who wanted to use me for my goodwill. I sent them presents. I drew them pictures, taking time i don't have out of the busy day. And what do I get in the end??
"EWW, you are too old for me, you are creepy. You are unhealthily obsessed with fictional characters!"
- YES, maybe I am, but you know WHY? BECAUSE THEY DON'T BREAK MY HEART AND STOMP IT TO THE GROUND. They are the only safe haven for someone who fails at social interactions. And they will STAY the only safe haven for as long as I get rejected over and over again. As long as I keep losing friends, they will be the only constant I have. Can you really blame me for that? All humans have to have SOMETHING to rely on in their core. And the fictional characters, as sad or unhealthy as it may be, are that thing for me. So don't go around and blame me for it or call me cringe. I would have died at age 11 if they weren't there, for I would have had NOTHING. But of course, people who have a loving family, or a normal upbringing can never understand this. They have a support system to rely on, a net to fall into. I only have a bottomless abyss with no net beneath me. If I fall, I'll die.
And you don't understand the agelessness of it all. My body may be 33, but my mind is stuck at a younger age, perpetually. I don't have a clue on how to navigate social relationships. I don't know how adults can do it. No one showed me and thus I never learned. My narcissist mother only taught me that this is a "shark eat shark"-world and I am just a small fish. Even if I have one PhD or a million, that doesn't teach you anything about relationships either. Intellectual pursuits may not make up for the emotional black hole in me. I understand why I do what I do, intellectually, but I am unable to DO something to change it.
"Then just stop being avoidant and get out there!"
- I can't. I want to,but I can't bear even the CHANCE of being rejected again. Of opening myself up only to be discarded like so much trash. Even 10+ years long relationships aren't safe, that is what I experienced. You go through so much together, sacrifice so much of yourself, only to be told "Hahaha, you are so pathetic, to think I have ever loved you." How often can this happen to you before you are entirely jaded? How many times before you say "fuck this shit, I'm out, I won't play a game i cannot win" ??
If you don't want to be my friend any more because you outgrew me, all the more power to you. Congrats, you get to be a neurotypical normie. And maybe it is good you left me behind, the perpetual burden. Go on and thrive and don't look back at me!!
But for me, all I got is myself. And the question:
Is just surviving on my own really enough to live?
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