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skye

My therapist taught me how to work on coming out of dissociating but idk if I want to work on it which is a bummer to admit I guess

This week/past couple have probably been the worst in a long time Let's go to a funeral and hope none of my family asks me why I have a giant bandage on my arm lol luv how I've just been in a constant state of panic attacks

I relapsed What a fucking idiot lol

I stopped using tumblr a while ago and it evolved into a Very Serious outlet for the occasional Super Sad Time so maybe I should stash this all somewhere else instead

I had the most intense therapy session of my life today which I'd already thought had happened but there was one point my therapist asked me a question and I straight up said I didn't want to talk about it anymore I've spent the entire last week in bed even moreso than usual because my depression has been so bad after being triggered by something during PAX weekend and its been really hard to not relapse and hurt myself so instead I've been sleeping a lot and generally just wanting to die and feel useless when I was about to sign back up for school so, This is Great! PTSD is Super. Also found out that I dissociate almost constantly unless I'm with Daniel or v good friends so that's like Neat. I Feel Like I'm Dying but I can't talk about it at home because my sister's deal is Bigger than Everything right now so like......... Time for me to Keep Everything Inside Uhh basically I want to die and I don't know how long I'm going to last until I cut myself again

Finally talked to my newer therapist about my ex and she told me some info that is wild, it turns out before working here she interned at a place specifically advocating for abuse survivors, so this V Useful

Needless 2 say I cried the whole session and it is hard to constantly think you’re over something and then ur not and then u remember o yea I have PTSD and u feel broken and want 2 die

like I started dating him when I was 14 and got stuck for 3 years of abuse hell and then when I was 17 I got cancer and basically I just want 2 feel carefree again one day like give me bills or whatever to worry about instead of what I worry about Daily because every day I Want To Die

She made me take down the crisis line and all these hot lines on my way out because she's worried about me over these next couple days and I feel like p00p

High key want to die

i had intense therapy today and i learned EFT and have to practice it now to try to get rid of my intense guilt

crie

Meow meow switching antidepressants is always really hard because I really get close to relapsing re: self harm and every day I wake up and see my scars and get miserable and I don’t want to make that even worse and I’m just v sad v miserable and now that my sister is home from the hospital my brain is just being very selfish and seeing all of these cards and all of these people that care about her and what she is going through and wondering why nobody cared about me when I was dealing with my cancer like they all freaked out w her at the thought of her possibly having cancer but when I actually had cancer for 5 years and went through treatments nobody cared except for 1 card that I held onto and I’m kind of struggling w this like am I just unlikable or just like too miserable like probably since this is one of the things I’m thinking about when my sister is home instead of being excited that she’s home like obviously I’m excited she’s home and getting better and I’m here for her and I’ve cried w her since I was the one there with her when she fell and broke her leg and directed all the ambulances and EMTs and everything but all I can think about is when she yelled at me a couple years ago for what I put the family through by getting cancer

I know I’m just extra sad because of switching antidepressants and because I’m a hormonal mess after getting an IUD four days ago bu t this is awful and all I want to do is slice my arms open to make all of these thoughts stop for just a little bit at least I can’t even sleep again lol

I’m always going to be that ‘secret abuse survivor’ in my family and it kills me inside

Fuckjj you Luke

hi tumblr world uh update on my sister, her biopsy came back and it’s all benign, so that’s cool, she’s getting surgery, we might actually be in the hospital at the same time since i’m getting hospitalized on monday for my migraines finally so that’s exciting, idk how i feel about the actual hospitalization tho, it’s mostly just to get IV medication and apparently i just get to sleep a lot and :-( the food in that hospital sucks ass so i’m not pumped about that but whatever ugh godddddd this is my first time being hospitalized w/out having a surgery so this is unique but apparently a somewhat common thing with “”””””””migraineurs”””””””” I hate this lol but they said the stay could be anywhere from 1-3 days so wtf that’s like kind of a big range when ur in the hospital hooked up to shit being miserable cries

w/e gdi

I found the migraines reddit yesterday and it’s really validating imo I found a post about topamax (the daily medication i take to try to ward off migraines/make them less severe if they do happen) that was like “I have a complaint about topamax .. but I forgot” hahahakeroajethg it me

i did get to get myself some stuff tho so I got yog log, snowcastle soap, snow fairy body conditioner 1 for me and 1 for my sister, and some fairy dust because i decided iwant my whole body to sparkle like im from the early 2000s

this year’s lush boxing day sale was the most chaotic time i’ve ever had in my life and it also happened the be the time that i was mostly shopping for another person (my sister who is in that terrifying situation in the hospital) so that was just so fun, so zen, so calming, no yelling at my computer involved

it’s not cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there’s 3 other different types of tumors it cfan be and they think it might be a certain kind that can be reoccuring for the rest of her life but manageable with meds and she’d have to have her leg immobilized with a forrest gump type contraption for a while but according to my mom its non life threatening but it still sounds terrifying esp with our bleeding disorder but im not going to google it to find out much else about it right now because i wont’ sleep again tonight i mean i probably won’t sleep because i haven’t started wrapping presents because i didn’t expect my sister to come home so soon but they said she’ll be discharged tomorrow so we will all get to have christmas together which is like a huge surprise so like, this all really really really still sucks but, it’s not cancer, which is gr8, we find out at the end of next week what it really is

im really exhausted mentally ive cried a lot today

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