one final health update and wip list.
I am very burnt out again. my back pain has spread to the rest of my body over the last year (which is why I have been inactive for multiple months at a time). Iâve kept quiet abt the extent of it but itâs constant now and itâs getting worse. I think itâs a chronic issue, but my doctor thinks Iâm too young for chronic pain! so that routes a dead end.
honestly itâs been hard to write or be creative when my body is constantly in pain. I havenât been to the gym in two months. I feel like Iâm deteriorating despite doing everything right and yet Iâm still in pain and nothing seems to help.
I know the lack of updates and fics and âIâll post soon i promise!â has been frustrating. I am equally if not more upset that I canât post or indulge in my hobbies. Iâll be back eventually, which I know sounds like another empty promise but Iâve booked a chiropractor appointment as a last resort for some kind of diagnosis.
âyou shouldâve done that before!â I believe the chiropractor is a scam and I didnât have health insurance before but now I do. Iâve had routine xrays for years and nothing shows up on my scans bcs the primary focus was my back. I had back pain. now itâs just bone pain everywhere.
that aside, Iâm mentally struggling to accept that I might actually be physically disabled as well. I know that itâs internalized ableism and Iâm working on it, but the magnitude of my pain has always been neglected by doctors. for me to even admit that Iâve had back pain for ten years,,,,,, and that it wasnât indeed all in my head, that Iâm actually in pain,,,,,, took so long. to attach that to a disability? this is a lot to work out in therapy.
I think Iâve issued myself an ultimatum too with this situation. either get it sorted out or deactivate. and as much as I donât want to do that, there is so much pressure that comes with being a writer online. âwhen are you coming backâ makes me want to never come back sometimes. especially because this has been so out of my control. and I know everyone means well, but itâs frustrating to feel forced to write.
Iâve been writing but itâs nothing Iâm proud of. nothing I would ever want to put out. things manufactured out of pressure never work. that being said, here is the final wip list of things to be posted for the remainder of the year:
tell it to my heart series to completion
resume kinktober in october
woozi hockey player au ft goalie brother hoshi for the holidays
zombie au (at least prologue) will be posted at some point as well. i need to coordinate w shaya on this one.
Yeah. okay. thatâs all. Iâll try n figure this one out but idk itâs looking a little rough. Iâm also on a waitlist to get my human producing organ removed so. Iâll have free time when that happens. I have missed tumblr ngl sigh. Iâll be back whenever. idk when that is yet but. also band fic coming early next year
