dd writes stuff

and whatever.

[wordsbydd]

it's june

In June I feel like a kid again. The sun rests on my arm while I’m driving with the window down, but it’s June and I haven’t felt the sun in so many months, so I leave it there until the gentle warmth turns to an uncomfortable heat. I don’t move my arm even though I know I’ll get sunburnt. These days they all say to hide from the sun and I say God forbid my sun kissed cheeks welcome a few new spots and wrinkles by the end of August. The signs of a summer enjoyed; a summer lived. The signs that remind me, even though I’m aging and my summers look entirely different than they did twenty years ago, I am still a kid underneath these long work days, family disputes, break ups and make ups, bills and responsibilities. I’m still a kid who yearns for sticky hands from holding a soft serve ice cream for too long, for blistered soles from spending too much time running through the neighbourhood streets, for a summer that leaves me more exhausted than rested because it was a summer enjoyed, and a summer lived. So don’t blame me if by June I’m a little more curious, a little more playful, a little more reckless. It’s June and I feel like a kid again; I feel like myself again. 

[wordsbydd]

your memory

Your memory presses down against me until my longing heaves from my chest and I’m left coughing up your name without a moment of relief But why can’t I seem to empty myself of you? You’ve taken hold of my subconscious, too because even these dreams are infested and I wake up feeling wretched, retching only thoughts of you

[wordsbydd]

broken men have the sweetest tongues

You kiss me and I forget every way you've wronged me Yet I still taste the tequila on your tongue Thirty days without drinking sounds more like a performance than a promise And baby you are so good at performing Was it the performance of your lifetime when you told me we were building one together? And were you performing when you said you’d take it easy on the drinking? We know easy for you isn't easy for me Because only a few weeks later I’m up waiting for you to put down the beer and pick up the phone But the bar’s doors were wide open So of course you strode right in like you do between my legs after you’ve spewed your best lies They tell me broken men have the sweetest tongues So that means I only have myself to blame because I'm the one pouring my heart out But they’re the ones handing the shots out The easiest choice you've ever made

[wordsbydd]

watch your step

I couldn't tell you how it happened if his lightning struck my soul or if his thunder shook my core either way I was hit either way there are pieces of me all over this floor Please watch your step! I think they came from my heart and I may need them for later although I haven't decided just yet

[wordsbydd]

what you said, what i heard

The difference between what you said and what I heard is that I saw your eyes on the door as your fingers loosened their grip on mine and the smell of salt filled the air Yeah, I know I’ll be just fine These tears are part of saying goodbye Even if that’s not what you said But you're leaving either way I guess that’s the difference then and pretty much all I heard

[wordsbydd]

the space between us

The space between us is like a pause between heartbeats like a rest on my sheet music like a breath amidst sobs Why did you come back to fill this space when you promised to stay away? I don't think I can walk away once more possibly because your foot is wedged between the frame and my door and you're pleading for me to keep it open like the space between something and nothing like the space between loving and leaving like the space between you and me

[wordsbydd]

my heart doesn't follow rules

My heart doesn’t follow rules You could easily trick me with your words I’ll feel it, believe it You’ll see that and reach out to twist it I wouldn’t even notice the first knot Where does my heart begin or end? Only you’d know and then you’ll toss it back when you’re done with it But won’t you help me untangle this mess you made? That wasn’t one of your rules, you’d say Oh, I forgot I didn’t make any So you did as you pleased and I’m left here twisted and seized with a heart that didn’t follow any rules

[wordsbydd]

i think i might be human

How do I know? Well I cried three times today. Once in my parents’ guest washroom, just before dinner. Once in my car, right after I parked in the garage. Once on the couch, while watching a show.

Why did I cry? I have no idea. Maybe because I’m lonely. Maybe because I said the wrong thing to my friend. Maybe because my parents are getting old. Maybe because I can feel him pulling away. Maybe because everyone is moving forward, while I’m stuck here with nowhere to go.

Or I guess it could be because my cycle is ending and starting again, in three days. So I guess I think I might be human. Female, to be exact. How unfortunate.

But how do I really know? Mainly because even though everything is slipping through my fingers, my monstera unfurled a new leaf today. Bright green, fenestrated, shaped like a heart. And I realized it looks exactly like my own.

It’s funny because people prefer monstera leaves with those little slits. I think of them as little openings for the sun to shine right through. I feel the same ones on my heart.

So yeah, I guess that makes me human.

[wordsbydd]

trust is a foreign concept to me

The sun rests gently on the leaves by my window, as they soak up all her rays

The forest of my heart watches in awe, as their stems fearlessly stretch for more

And even on days when the sky is covered in grey, they trust there is something left for them

[wordsbydd]

stop overwatering

The flower was dead And I still watered it What does that tell you About the love I have to give? About the hope I still hold? About my inability to let go? You want me to toss out the pot Fine. What about the next one? Don’t you think I’ll drown that one too? But you tell me I need to be patient That love can grow in quiet spaces And I need to wait for it to show me a new leaf Because it’s growing, you say, even down at the roots And what if the roots are rotting and I just can’t see? And what if they’re not? You say: What if you wait to see what’s above the soil? Let the roots prove their strength Let the roots prove that you don’t have to die with them

[wordsbydd]

saying goodbye

Tonight I say goodbye to my home

This home where I grew my roots Like a leaf cutting that forced life into a tiny plastic cup of lukewarm water Like a bulb planted in a new garden that needed years to acclimate to unknown soil Like a bud in the rain waiting for the sun to unfurl its petals to the sky

Tonight I say goodbye to my home Where my tears soaked the floor Where my laughter vibrated against the walls Where my feet danced across the room Where my sighs echoed late into the night Where my heart broke countless times Where my heart was patched up again, and again

Tonight I say goodbye to this home Where I blossomed, Where I wilted, and finally, Where I bloomed.

[wordsbydd]

believe me (you)

I know she has a hard time with love, and herself She feels like she's never had it Everyone is so lucky she whispers, late at night with no one to wipe her tears away I want to tell her: You're beautiful, you know? But she never listens I hear people wonder the same They tell her: Darling, you have it all But they know better than I do they know she never listens I'm sorry, she can't hear it Frustrated, I cry: Why don't you believe them? Because there's no one here to love me, she cries back So please tell me, how can I make her believe it? I'm thinking of ways to make her see it Every day she looks in the mirror and I tell her: I love you, please accept it But she rolls her eyes and walks away Fine, I'll tell her again tomorrow and the day after that, if I need to until she listens until she believes it

[wordsbydd]

december told me so

I have to let you go now I know, I know But where did the time go? It’s December now Did you know? Last December it was all a different hue Last December you said I love you And you knew what you did to me You knew, you knew Now a new December has come I’m crying for the sun Some warmth on my skin And your touch again But you’re gone now I know, I know December told me so

[wordsbydd]

two augusts ago

Remember when I told you that we met two Augusts ago? You said okay like it was the most insignificant thing you ever heard. But you saw it in my eyes, the way you let me down. So you kissed me on the forehead and changed the topic. Two weeks later you promised to never text me again. This isn’t fair to you, you told me. I said okay like I believed you. And now, two months later, I’m listening to your voicemail begging me to message you back. Well fuck, is that how this goes? Maybe you should’ve cared, like I cared, about meeting two summers ago. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. I lose anyway. Because it’ll take you two new girls to forget me. And it’ll take me two more Augusts to let you go.

[wordsbydd]

my final act

I promise you you will never see me again Call this my final act of love And with this final act I will show myself love instead You can call me, text me, look for me in the faces you pass on the street but you won’t see mine again You won’t breathe my scent again You won’t feel my warmth again You won’t taste my skin again You won’t hear me whisper your name again I promise you that my final act of love will be loving me instead

[wordsbydd]

almost

I think the hardest part about mending this heart is trying to accept that I never even got the chance to love you. You know, I really felt it. It was all here waiting for you. I wanted slow mornings with you. I wanted to share my day with you. I wanted to sleep soundly next to you. I wanted to miss you, tenderly. Not in the way that leaves me anxiously waiting to hear from you. The ‘almost’ makes this unbearable. That I almost got to love you. Maybe you almost loved me back. We almost had something. Not quite. Very close. Almost. Now I’m left here grieving you, and what we almost had.

[wordsbydd]

there's no one here

The world is burning all around me while they’re asking for my grace Be gentle with yourself when you fall How can I be gentle in this world when I feel the flames at my fingertips? I reach out my hand but there’s no one here to pull me to safety I’m calling out for you to help me Can’t you hear it? My feet are on fire now and I’m screaming for you to save me Why can’t you hear it? Can’t you see me burning? How can I escape when the flames are all around me? Be gentle with yourself when you fall How can I be gentle when I know there’s only concrete below me? Maybe you just don’t want to hear it but I’m still here screaming There’s no one here to catch me There’s no one here to save me