Words For Casey

[wordsforcasey]

It Really Wasn’t About Grounding at All

Have you ever sat in the middle of your home, turned off all the music, shut off all of the chattering from the TV, shut the windows, opened the blinds, and just sat in the natural light and background noise that the world gave to you?

It’s soothing.  And calming.  But more so, it’s very grounding.

Sometimes when the world feels like it is closing in on you, and seems as if suffocation is a better option than disappearing, an exercise I like to do that has yet to fail me, is to do something grounding.

If you live by a highway, it could be focusing in on the cars passing you by, moments otherwise gone, with people that never actually interacted with you.  It could also be listening to the sound of the wind if you live in the country side, and paying close attention to the prayers they’re whistling to you on your front door.  Or zoning in on the thousands of conversations standing outside your window should you live in a city.  Trying your best to grasp on to the many different types of voices, both low and high pitched, depressed and ecstatic, sad and enthusiastic. 

And all the while you’re just sitting there.  Paying attention.  Sitting there, giving your ears to those who will never know you heard them.

Sometimes the loudest voices are the quietest ones.

This blog was written for an English 300 level course, with a dear friend who lost her battle, but not her fight, to suicide in 2018.  We live on for those who are no longer here, and carry them with use no matter where we go.  Mental health advocates are an essential piece to the heart of a human life.  Life is like a relay race.  And I’m just carrying the baton she didn’t know she passed on to me.

Words I wished I had to give to her back then: It’s okay to not be okay.  What’s not okay, is turning and walking away.

Take that metaphor however you’d like.

[wordsforcasey]

Reason to Be Here

The other night I was sitting in the car with my significant other, and we were discussing the fundamentals of life, alternative pathways, the what if’s of our worlds, and how we came to be exactly where we were sitting side by side with one another.

I communicated to him that I felt I’d lost the purpose I was supposed to have with the world-- whatever that actually means.  I started off by saying, “Lately”, *pause*, we’ve already started the sentence off with a lie.  “My whole life, I’ve felt my course has always been a little bit off.”

And he explained to me, he used to feel the same.  *Used to*.  He went on to say that he used to wait for the opportunity pass him by, stop, turn around, and grab his hand and take him on the course he was always supposed to go with.  But that as time went on, he realized, he had to set foot in places he wanted to be in, he had to understand himself better than he ever did before, to even begin to know where those places were, and he had to choose to be part of that bigger picture we always talk about.  I knew what he was saying was insightful, and wise.  But it didn’t connect with me.

So I’ve come up with a temporary conclusion: having a reason to want to be here, is a reason to be here.  We are all filled to the brim with curiosity.  Aren’t we just curious to see what another day will bring?

#WordsForCasey #MentalHealth

[wordsforcasey]

Power and Vulnerability

This morning I thought about something I think will make you sit back and ponder the fields and depths of your mind, too.  Who are your safe-haven people?  Who are the ones you feel you can be 110% you, talk freely with, and be completely vulnerable without having to worry about whether or not they will abandon you after you spill out your heart on the table before them?

When their face, and name come to mind, now I want you to ask yourself, why them?  Because at least for myself, I think I have an answer that makes sense to me.

Drawing your weapons, and laying down your sword is a vulnerable thing to do.  By surrendering your thoughts and feeling to someone, by sharing the pressures that you carry, the weight of your heart, and your challenges on someone else’s shoulders to rest on, so you that you can take a minute to rest, can feel utterly, and completely, vulnerable.  You are giving power to someone, trusting that they will not hurt you.  Whether hurt looks like abandonment, judgment, or disapproval- whatever the case may be, you are giving them power and trusting in them that they will still choose to be here for you at the end of the hard conversations you feel comfortable having with them, whether or not about them specifically.

When I think about why-- well, that answer is a different story.  I don’t believe I yet have one.  But I’ll sit here and wonder, like you, and come back when I’ve found something worth writing back about. 

[wordsforcasey]

No Permanent Solution is Worth a Temporary Problem

There is so much weight put on events, situations, predicaments, and circumstances that are happening in any given moment.  In one moment, someone could feel on top of the world, in another, like they’d rather be buried beneath it.  With mental health, at least for me, it can all feel like a big game of Tug of War that I never asked to be a part of.

With that said, there is a saying that was once said to me, that went something like this: “Don’t make a permanent decision to a temporary problem.”  I think this is important to focus your heart, and your mind on.  Both simultaneously will make you think.  It is so easy to feel like everything is falling apart, but this is just during a moment.  One singular moment, that makes up others, that feels like it’s everlasting.  Here is a little spoiler, I apologize in advance: it won’t.

Just as the feelings of happiness fades, and we come down from that high, so does that of sadness, depression, anger.. they all won’t last forever.  These moments will come and go and it is important to remember that when they’re taking place. 

Life is a combination of moments.  Remember this. #wordsforCasey #bewell

[wordsforcasey]

Wise Mind

The thing about BPD, is we have a great fear of abandonment.  Our perception of life, situations, things that happen to and around us can be skewed in favor, or against what is actually happening in reality.

There are three types of mind that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy references.  They are: rational mind (facts), emotional mind (fueled by feelings), and wise mind (a combination of both) to put in extremely short terms.  (The full diagram can be looked up and read into much more depth and detail, as it deserves).  But for the sake of this blog post, and the length of it, I will leave it at that.

Sometimes when practicing my DBT exercises, I will allow myself to sit on a bridge between wise mind, and rational mind and let my mind wander where on Earth I could also be sitting, if the fear of abandonment had not led me into choosing to do the exact things I’ve decided to do, that led me to exactly in this spot, right here and right now.

I know, I know.  That is a risky move, playing the “What-If” game.  But enlighten me.  Where could we be?  Would you still be here?  Would I still be sitting on this chair, writing blindly to a long distance friend linked together only by another screen?

Could these decisions re alter the conclusions to lives that were short lived? 

I overheard someone in passing talking about an opportunity to work in England for a 4 and a half month period of time, and that got me thinking about all of this.

Words for Casey, I know she would have appreciated these little wild thoughts.

[wordsforcasey]

The Brightness

Did you know that humans are not meant to be alone?  Now, don’t quote me on that, I read it somewhere in an article many years ago.  It’s funny how when you try to recall something, you can’t remember exactly what was said in its’ entirety, but you can remember the way that it made you feel.

Reading that piece made me feel enlightened, different, changed almost.  “We are not meant to be alone”, I remember mouthing quietly beneath my breath as I scrolled through the page. 

Yet, here we have depression, anxiety, other mental health challenges and disorders that make us feel cornered into a room where no door or windows exist.  Why? 

Did you know all it takes is a small piece of light, to lighten up an entire room?  Well, something like that.  Don’t quote me on that either, I’m just here writing blog posts about my emotions.

But genuinely, if you sit in the middle of a darkened room, and all you had was 0.000000000001 nm of space to shine light through, it would penetrate your entire darkness.  That is what our friends, our family, our loved ones are.  They are our small piece of light.

The challenging part is: allowing them in.

[wordsforcasey]

We Really Are Not Alone

Casey and I shared the same mental health disorders: we both have Bipolar II, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes, I wonder, what would have happened if we both knew it at the same time.

All too often, life events, traumas, experiences both good and bad, including challenges and obstacles we find ourselves facing, feels like we are battling them alone.  I know how it feels to want to ask for help, but to not want to show any sign of weakness.  What would my friends, then really think of me?

I understand the challenge in trying to gain a hold on emotions that seem to be flying out of nowhere straight into the center of my heart, and like the best thing I can do in that moment, is to let them all hit me at once. 

Why are we afraid to lean on someone’s shoulder?  Is it because we are aware of how much we are drowning, and don’t want to take others down with us?  Who’s to say they wouldn’t help us learn how to swim?  Can we swim?

I view my emotions as a scene in the ocean.  When there are too many negative ones, I am drowning under water.  When there are many positive ones, I am floating above the surface.  I wonder what would have happened if I only turned my head slightly, and noticed Casey had floating been right there next to me all along.

Though these battles feel like war zones within ourselves, we are not alone in fighting for a similar outcome: peace, and happiness.

[wordsforcasey]

Stress and Mental Health

This morning, I sat on the cold hard floor of my school building, and revisited the same slides, photographs and notes laying out before me as I did the days leading up to this very moment.  Actually who am I kidding, I’ve been so busy with life, and work itself, I only took time to look at the material for the last two days.  The grade is what it is, and I got what I got. 

I think time is a very unique concept.  It’s measured by intangible pieces of units we strung together in order to create something of value that we as a whole, would all be able to understand.  But what is really a “day”?  What is an “hour”?  Is it an “it”, or is it a feeling, or is it an experience by which we feel rushed or slowed down by?

Ten years ago when I was a freshman in college, I put such weight on time, that I became tunnel visioned in fitting anything and everything down to the millisecond that I forgot to slow down.  I prioritized what I was doing, over how I was feeling.  Receiving a failing grade was momentum to take away more freedom from my already jail cell I’d felt I had been living in. 

Now, at 28 and old (Just kidding!  But it feels that way), I don’t put so much weight on that.  I do my best to manage my time between my full time career, relationships, being a full time student again, and simply existing.  That last one seems to have always been the most difficult, but I’m still learning. 

So there I was.  Doing the best that I could.  The grade on the other hand that I ended up getting, well, we won’t talk about that one.

-- Words for Casey

[wordsforcasey]

A lot of the times, it’s easy to let someone know, you’ll be there for them.  I have found in my own experience that words tend to escape the tips of tongues like water at the edge of a fall.  But it isn’t until we realize that sometimes, maybe, we can’t always do that.  Whether we are occupied by something else, or time becomes challenging to give to someone during a sensitive and vulnerable period in their life...or if we ourselves might be triggered by what is going on in and around them.

With Casey, it was the second one.  She had this aurora about her that emanated a type of glow that only those who knew her would soon come to understand only shined in the front, and was cold, dark and empty in the back.  She lived in two worlds; one with light, and one full of complete darkness.

I didn’t know how to be there for her when I sometimes drove through the same cross roads.  So I researched through NAMI on what I could do in order to help her, while also making sure that I, myself, didn’t crumble. 

I chose to continue the conversation.  I chose to try and build a better connection, find things in hers and my life that overlapped that we could bond over.  She was very responsive and didn’t let me know for one second, that she was still sitting in the dark.  It is easy to miss the signs of depression, especially when it is accompanied by other mental health disorders and challenges.

My goal since the last time her and I spoke, has consistently been to make sure that those I know, and even those I don’t, is that you matter.  Whether that looks like a “hello, how are you today?  No really, how are you?” to the barista at the local coffee shop you frequent every now and then.  Or, a “good morning” to the mail person delivering your letter and packages.  Or a, “Love you,” text message with oogles of emojis (because what is 2022 without them) to your mom or dad.  Little pieces of You Matter, matter.  It can make the world of difference for someone going through a rough day.  Everyone wears their challenges differently.  Let someone know today, in your own way, that they matter.

[wordsforcasey]

I’d like to introduce you to my friend. She isn’t pictured above, or here in the comments. She’s somewhere between the gentle kiss of the gust of wind that hits your face during the end of October, and the warmth of the Sun that shines in through your window in the early morning hours, every single day.

She was the epitome of bravery, courage, and strength. I just wish I had the same amount of each to have been able to recognize the signs. What do signs really look like, for someone who is struggling? Are they loud? Are they quiet? Do they look sad? Or are good at playing clown, drawing smiles where really there are frowns?

NAMI said it best when they wrote, “sometimes signs don’t look like signs at all.”

My friend’s name was Casey, and today is her birthday. She would have been 25 years old.

Mental health is a serious, and very real thing. It shadows our light and acts as the dark cloud we feel as though we can never get rid of. But we can. With darkness comes light, and with bad weather brings out the sun. Together, we will learn to ride the wave. We will brave this weather, together. To all of the Casey’s out there, you are not alone.