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This is a writing tumblr, an outlet for when ideas hit :) Main blog is @lovelikeanneh

[wordslikeathunderstorm]

I'm tired.

Is it worth it?

It would be easier to die.

[wordslikeathunderstorm]

Dear you,

I love you.

The end.

[wordslikeathunderstorm]

Tired. I am tired. So very, very tired. Flirting with giving up all the while knowing damn well I won't, but not because of me, but because of others.

Side note: how many times can one tell the same lie before everything goes dark?

[wordslikeathunderstorm]

I wish emotions weren't so big and complicated. I have so many thoughts going through my head every day, a lot of them are some I wouldn't want to share with anyone, but it also makes me lonely not being able to talk about them. I get confused about myself and it's uncomfortable. Some days I'm okay with me and then others I loathe myself and can't look at my reflection in the mirror. I have a good life, and I appreciate it, but sometimes it's like I'm seeing it from afar, as if it was someone else's and I only get to feel the echoes.

[wordslikeathunderstorm]

Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone who would understand what I mean when I say I wonder how it would be to die and be with God and not have to live here anymore. I wish I could tell them I think about it often, but I wish they'd understand I'm not suicidal. I wonder about it, but I won't do anything to make it happen any faster, I just wonder. But I know if I bring it up people will think there's something wrong, that I need some help, but I don't think I do, I just wonder, that's all. I am safe, but my mind likes to imagine how it would be and if it would be better. There's nothing wrong with me, not the way they would think, but I can't talk about it without worrying them and I would feel bad if they worried and were scared because of me, so I'll just keep it to myself and wonder alone.

[vehlorum]

[samantha-evergreen]

[wordslikeathunderstorm]

This.

[shadowofafeeling]

[wordslikeathunderstorm]

Fragment

She came along one day when the sun wasn't shining and the clouds threatened to break open. I would like to say I found her but that would be a lie. She didn't find me either though. She just was, that's the only way to describe it. She was there and I merely happened to be there to see her. Looking back on it, it was a good thing the sun wasn't shining. It would've never been able to outshine her anyway.

She was sitting by the pond with a book on her lap but her head was tilted back and her eyes were closed. I don't know why, but I found her utterly fascinating. The wind started to pick up and flashes of light appeared on the sky above us. She didn't seem bothered at all, and finally I couldn't stay back any longer.

"What are you doing?" I asked, almost whispered as to not to disturb her peace.

Without opening her eyes she whispered back. "Listening to the wind. If you close your eyes, you can hear it call and sometimes, if you're very still, it will tell you secrets."

"Has it told you any secrets today?"

She opened her eyes and looked deep into mine before answering. "I can't tell you, the wind doesn't trust you yet."

I couldn't help but smile at that, her big blue eyes were serious when she said this and I knew she meant it.

"How do I make the wind trust me?"

"You have to be one of us."

It was only then that I noticed the marks on her wrists and hands. Those beautiful patterns were the sign of her people. She was one of the dark angels.

[wordslikeathunderstorm]

Letter to myself:

Dear me,

I know you are not okay, but you will be. I know waking up is hard and you've been thinking too much about things you're not supposed to. But I can promise you this: it will pass. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know it will happen. Listen to the wind. Sit back and listen every once in a while. Cry, it doesn't matter if you've already cried today, go ahead, your soul is needs it, just make sure you don't drown, that would be bad. Trust a little more. You're always there for people but you're constantly terrified of sharing for fear of them thinking you're too messed up to be their friend. Have a little faith. Pray, pray a lot. Even if your prayer turns to blabbering and you're crying more than praying. Stop hiding. You don't have to, it's stupid, even though I know it's easier said than done. Most importantly, don't give up. Life is hard and even though it seems like everyone else has it all together, chances are, they don't. The same way you're good at hiding it, they're probably good at it too. Give yourself some grace and love yourself a little harder, you deserve love too, whether you believe it or not. Remember God loves you, even if you're mad at Him sometimes, He is still there and He still loves you, no matter how much you mess up. Stay strong. Stay alive and live, remember they're not the same thing.

Sincerely,

Me