n

i write scattered thoughts.

[wordsunkept]

After Dawn

Call me when you're having three am thoughts.

a message you always left before you went to sleep.

you witnessed how bad my late night thoughts were, how my anxiety struck as the night gets deeper and my battles with the voices in my head became harder—

when three am strikes and the demons in my mind are scarier than the ones lurking out in the open.

you knew how to calm my raging thoughts, my overflowing emotions, your silly confessions and our conversations were my only escape and distraction.

Tonight, the clock struck three and I called but you were sound asleep and I was left with the monsters in my head.

I was left sleepless for what felt like the longest of nights tossing and turning waiting for morning to come when all this is over.

my mind overflowing with thoughts I did not long to hear but were screaming like beasts trying to tear me up.

I called over and over even if it was way past three but you didn't answer so when dawn came I never called again.

[sky-ewrites]

It’s all dull, cold, gray

But why do I fight

As if something is there for me to hold on to,

As if someone wants me to stay,

As if somewhere I’m still needed

As if there’s a reason to.

It might be because of you

Because you were so determined

The words “I believe in you.”

Came from that lips. And I believed

And then I believed

And then I didn’t.

-lm

[edelfernando-blog]

The Next Life

Maybe in the next life, I can forgive you.

When we’re reincarnated as someone else with no memories left from the past and all of our mistakes were wiped away by our leaving.

Maybe in the next life, I can forgive you.

When we can meet each other again for the first time under better circumstances.

And you will tell me, you look familiar.

And I will tell you, strange, you do too.

Maybe there, we can claim what was never ours in this life.

Yes, I think maybe in the next life I can forgive you.

When I’m oblivious of how it feels like to lie on the cold bathroom floor wondering why you didn’t choose me, and perhaps I will never have to remember ever at all that somewhere in our past lives, you chose differently.

Maybe in the next life, I can forgive you.

But not in this one.

Not when your sins burn brightly across the letters of my own name and yours simply became something that I truly hate.

But maybe in the next life, I can forgive you.

And we can just smile at each other the way we can never do in this one.

Or maybe in the next life, we never have to meet each other again.

Edel Fernando

[wordsunkept]

After

It hurt right – when it ended? They asked.

No. I replied without hesitation, without any second thoughts, without a doubt. It’s funny how I actually wished that it would end already – the storm. I added.

The storm boiling inside me all this time, waiting to be released. Feral, destructive yet devastatingly beautiful. The storm that had no calm before it – because the calm was after. The calm after the mess on the street was washed by the flood. The calm that made everything so much better, eradicating the toxic mess inside of us.

There’s always a calm before a storm – I think. Because if there wasn’t then there wouldn’t be something called a storm. However, serenity after the typhoon is a choice people make. They could either sulk on what they lost or get back on their feet and continue to live, despite the damages and fatalities.

I didn’t choose the latter. I didn’t have to. I loved the rain, I always thought of it as a way of people to start over, it doesn’t bring destruction but it signifies a beginning – starting from scratch.

It’s not about the calm before the storm. It’s about the calm after.

[wordsunkept]

I loved her atom by atom, one single cell at a time.

Beautiful Darkness

[wordsunkept]

People always ask me why do I read? simple; Books are my escape, from the pain, from the problems, from the dark, from the hate, from reality.

[wordsunkept]

To The Girl Who's Never Okay

If you ever feel like you don’t deserve to be loved; Please, each individual posseses a trait that is lovable, it doesn’t always show but there is, love isn’t just about being loved by the opposite gender, it’s not about having relationships, think of it’s technical meaning, Love is about having family, a good relationship with God, and friends. Don’t ever say that you are not loved just because nobody notices you, or just because you don’t feel it, there’s always someone out there willing to love you.

If you ever feel like you aren’t good enough; No. Just, No. You can’t be Perfect okay? nobody can be! as cliché as this may sound the saying “Nobody’s perfect” is true, the only way for you to have a meaningful life is to be worth it. Stop saying no, I’m not good enough why not say I am myself and who I am is good enough if they don’t like me then who cares? I’m not saying you shouldn’t listen to what other people say; What I’m saying is stop caring too much to the point where you become the person who’s everybody’s ideal friend but not yours.

If you say I hate myself; Don’t because who you are is beautiful, yourself is beautiful, inside and out, who cares if people hate you as long as you know you’re not doing anything wrong then they are the one with the problems. Negativity? think about this metaphor “A whole ocean, a bunch of water doesn’t sink a ship unless it gets inside” That’s pretty much what pessimism does to you once you let it get inside you it brings you down. Think Proton not electron.

To those who say I wish everything is okay; It will be, maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but someday it will be, you know what? you’re never gonna feel happy if you don’t feel sad, why? think about it, when you get sad and something good happens to you that is what happy feels like; if you’re always happy what’s the point? My friend once asked me “Isn’t it okay to have just one perfect day? rather than be just okay for the rest of your life?” this question made me think a lot, and then I realized it is true because I’d rather much have a perfect day than be just the simple okay for the rest of my life, I want to feel what perfect feels like even for just one day. So don’t expect that everything is always going to be okay because there will always be hardships in life, just be strong and think that you can overcome them.

I’m not a perfect girl but I do know that there is no such thing as never okay, just be yourself, if life gives you problems deal with it everybody has them, if you don’t think people like you well, you can’t please them all but always know that there is someone out there. Please start thinking positively, optimism is always the best way to solve all these problems, if you keep on saying “this is too hard, I can’t do this!” then you’re never going to get anywhere. Just do what you have to and keep going strong.

[wordsunkept]

She was too stuck in her fictional fantasies to remember what reality felt like.

Nikka Rellosa

[wordsunkept]

Generally speaking, books don’t cause much harm. Except when you read them, that is. Then they cause all kinds of problems.

Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name Of This Book Is Secret