It seems that anytime I pick up the phone these days it is to hear that another friend is pregnant, which is beyond exciting! Mostly because I need more mom friends and second because my little one will have more friends. I kid, I kid. All this talk of pregnancy and new babies coming into the world has me reflecting on my experience. The experience brings with it lots of daydreaming about what’s to come, anticipation, fear and new challenges. I hope this blog helps some women understand they are not alone in this process while also bringing laughs. If you can’t laugh through the crazy nine months, motherhood is sure to be a doozy.
I am not one of those women that enjoyed being pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I loved feeling the baby kick. I loved dreaming of what my baby would look like. I loved the sweet moments my husband and I will forever have while eagerly awaiting meeting our little man. I didn’t love everything else.
The moment you pee on a stick and receive confirmation you are in fact, pregnant, your life changes in an instant. It is quite possibly the most exciting and oddest feeling I have had simultaneously. It felt as though something should change, you should feel different, right? But life as you know it is still the same; I was not quite sure what to do with myself. Once I got over the initial panic of “Am I ready for this?” I began the countdown to my first doctor’s appointment. In the back of my mind I constantly worried that “Ziggy”, short for zygote, was OK. I NEEDED to get to the doctor to hear the heart and confirm there was a baby growing in me. I had no other proof that he was there except for that stick I peed on. This would become a common theme between every doctor’s visit. Until Ziggy started moving, I would drive myself crazy hoping he was still alive. The first time I heard his heartbeat… life changed. That was when I knew everything was about to change.
It is truly extraordinary carrying this little secret around with you. It was something I cherished. At work, I often found myself daydreaming of what the baby would be like. I would search for nursery themes and meticulously plan his room. It was during the first few weeks I came to understand what a distraction this would be. Never again would I walk into work with the same focus on just me. In the back of my mind I would consistently be thinking about my child. While family would always come first, it has been, and still is, a struggle for me to know that work cannot come first anymore. I spent years working long hours and proving myself in the workplace. What would I do when the baby came? Would my career suffer? How would I balance that? As luck would have it, the first time my hormones kicked in was at work. I was eating lunch with a good friend who knew I was early in the pregnancy and out of nowhere started ugly crying (very unlike me!). I was so afraid of how people at work would perceive me once I started showing. Would they think differently of me? Would my changing body be a distraction in meetings? Would all topics of conversation now be about the baby? I wanted to remain an equal in workplace. And this made me very aware that I would be noticeably different. I don’t think my friend knew what to do with this new emotional Berlyn! And truth is, neither did I!
Aside from managing swinging hormones, watching your body change is the weirdest thing. Your boobs get bigger, your nipples darker (and sometimes bigger) and everything just starts to bloat. At first, there is this cute little belly. But eventually, that cute little belly turns into something so massive your lady bits and feet become complete mysteries. You can’t see them anymore.. which is probably a good thing because they become bloated as well, which is crazy weird. Another fun change is your smell. Like EVERY SMELL out of your body is different. Couple that with the fact that your nose has super powers while preggo and you are in for a fun ride. I used to apologize profusely to my OB-GYN during appointments for being so “smelly.” She always promised I was fine but I was horrified. My mom always got a good laugh out of my “smell panic” while waiting for the doctor. She liked to make me more self-conscious by holding her nose to make it seem that I was in fact smelling up the room. Thanks, Mom.
And the poor men! They just have to sit back and watch this mayhem unfold. I often asked my husband what he thought of my changing body. He gave the right answer, “It is beautiful.” But to this day, I wonder what he really thought. Some people told me that pregnancy can be a very sensual time. Well, that is quite possibly the last word I would use to describe it. It really should be a sensual time for everyone because once that baby comes, no one is getting any action for a while. The whole time we were getting it on, I was thinking about how awkward my belly was. My friends and I laugh because the men typically wonder if they will “hit” the baby, which is hilarious. Even with my friendly reminders that my husband could not “hit” our baby there was one time he freaked out and yelled, “The baby grabbed me!” (I mentioned this blog is unfiltered, right?). I am pretty sure it was a muscle spasm he felt… definitely not our child! I laughed so hard I had to run to the bathroom before I peed everywhere. To this day, I can’t tell that story without laughing uncontrollably. One of my favorite moments of being pregnant for sure!
There are many more challenges like constipation, hemorrhoids, raging hormones, hot flashes, sweat attacks and so much more. But the fun parts are: glowing skin, thick hair and feeling something grow in you. There just aren’t words to describe the feeling.
My doctor and I decided for the health and safety of the baby and I, that being induced a week before my due date was necessary. That night, I cried uncontrollably for fear of the unknown. I was so scared I would not be a good mom. I hoped I could be half the mom my mom is. I cried for fear of childbirth. I cried for fear of knowing my marriage would soon be changing. I cried for fear of knowing our life would be changing forever. It was both a nervous and happy cry. I didn’t sleep a wink that night; I cried the entire night. I went to work the next day, completely delirious. I had to tie up all loose ends before I went on maternity leave. It was my last day in the office and I was struggling knowing I had to put work down for the next three months or so. This was a huge part of my identity that would be changing forever - and I was not ready for it.
I’ll end this trip down memory lane with one more story that still makes me laugh. For some reason, this whole notion of knowing when the baby was coming was freaking me out. I almost needed it to be unplanned so I couldn’t think so much about it. My mom and sister went on a rampage to find out how to get this baby to come naturally. They looked up every old wives remedy. That evening, they showed up at my door with Lemon drop cupcakes and castor oil (I am not kidding, look it up). They force-fed, OK not really but kind of, the dozen cupcakes and told me to have lots of sex that night. After devouring the cupcakes, I put the castor oil to my lips and just couldn’t. So, the next option was sex. Sounded great after being bloated from the cupcakes. But we did… and at the moment I thought was my husband’s look of pure joy, I quickly realized it wasn’t. “What is the matter? Why are you making that face?”
“Your water broke all over me.”