Hi friends. All I've been posting of late is pictures of my noms (which I'm totally not sorry about, because noms make the world go round). BUT! But, there's so much more going on 'round these parts. For starters, I have an engagement party this weekend thrown by my future in-laws, and the following day, I'm going for my very first dress shopping appointment(s).
So, so, so excited and so, so, so terrified at the same time. For anyone that's ever been overweight, trying on clothes can conjure up painful memories. Especially if it's trying on clothes for a specific purchase--the pressure to find the 'perfect' fit can be harrowing when it's hard enough just to find something that fits PERIOD.
Although I'm rounding out 2-years of being around my goal weight, there's still a lot of insecurity surrounding growing up overweight. 1.) You just don't outgrow the mental anguish of being a fat kid. and 2.) Being a 'former fat kid' is a challenge in and of itself. Of course, the accomplishment of losing a significant amount of weight and becoming healthy is AMAZING, but I've found myself landing in a strange sort of middle area. I'm not skinny... I'm not fat... I'm not even 'chubby'. I'm a strange sort of in-between that happens to the once-overweight crowd upon losing weight.
I have a slim frame with some bony, angular parts, and other super-squishy-fleshy parts. For the most part, I like the way my body fits in clothes and am proud of my new figure. But my birthday suit still makes me cringe big time. The truth is to have a "normal" body that has a skin-suit that fits my frame, I'd need a tummy tuck. I'm stretched, and sagged and...squishy. It limits the types of clothes I can wear, and makes me self conscious in a lot of things--but it's all stuff I can usually work around. For every cut of clothing that does not flatter my flabby middle, there's at least one or two others I can wear instead. No biggie.
How-ever. I am so incredibly. anxious. about wedding gown shopping. Dresses are one of the clothing items that are hardest to fit to my new body, and I have extreme fear that even after all of my hard work, I will be a flabby, saggy, awkward bride. My fear is strictly paranoid thinking, as I've never tried on a gown even remotely similar to a wedding dress--but I'm still so, so nervous. I'm nervous that I will look big, and all of my efforts to become a 'skinny adult', a beautiful bride, a healthy mom and an all-around successful person will fall short.
When I began my weight loss journey in my senior year of college, I had an eye-opening experience of realizing I was on this strange precipice of adulthood. Not turning-eighteen-adulthood. But REAL, getting a job, building a foundation for the future, aging adulthood. I started going grey when I was sixteen. A simple, but significant sign that the resilience of youth and the human body is a fleeting treasure. I realized that at only 21 years old, I had so much life ahead of me, and yet--was running short of opportunities to seize my future and be the best version of myself. I knew that with age went the nimbleness of health and energy, and came to the realization that if I was to change my life, and to leave obesity behind me, I had to act fast.
I have always had an understanding in my mind that 'someday' I would lose the weight. I never pictured myself as an obese parent, limited by my own physical challenges. Terrified and inspired to not be an older version of my depressed, self-loathing teenage self, I made a commitment to change. And each day moving forward, I found a compounding sense of pride and purpose. I was renewed in my vow to become my own positive force of change, and I soon went from believing in that power to BEING that power.
And now, more than two years later, here I sit. Proud, and empowered. Yet still scared and uncertain. In this one seemingly small act of a much greater and emotionally significant process of wedding planning, I am paralyzed by the worry that I will not be good enough. That in this one, ultimate moment of becoming a bride, and, crossing that bridge into womanhood, I still fear that I am not what I hope to be. And while there are many factors that contribute to my sense of being at this point in time, the concern over the superficial... of beauty... and of 'good enoughs', I find myself feeling challenged in a surprising and existential way.
Because though I have conquered many battles, this road of life brings many more. And in these moments of vulnerability, it is challenging to think not of my flaws, but of my accomplishments and my determination to move forward in creating the best version of myself. Every day is a work in progress.
And I bought a really high-quality girdle yesterday. So there's that.